滑稽人物（2009）

打电♥话♥给美国运通公♥司♥ 说你的卡丢了
Let's call American Express. you lost your card,
而且你忘记了卡♥号♥♥
And you don't know what the number of it is.
这主意不错
That's a great one.
假装是老太太
Do the old lady.
我的卡丢了
I lost my card.
你的口音变来变去的
Your... your accent went in and out on you sometimes.
先是南方口音 然后
I went southern and then...
美国运通公♥司♥ 我是丹妮拉 能为你做什么
American express. I'm Danille, how may I help you?
我的确需要帮助
I certainly need some assistance.
很抱歉 我这么语无伦次
I'm sorry to call you in such a frenzy,
我太愤怒了 我的美国运通卡被偷了
But I'm very shook up. I got my American Express card stolen.
好 请告诉我你姓什么
Okay, can I have your last name, please?
好
Yes.
你姓什么
What's your last name?
好
Right.
告诉我你的名字 我才能查到你的账户
Okay, can you give me your name so I can look up your account?
好 我叫海轮
Yes. Helen.
拜托 你姓什么
What's your last name, please?
艾沙凡
Easafawn.
什么
What?
海轮·艾沙凡
Helen Easafawn.
E-a
E-a

S-a-fawn
S-a-fawn.

杰里熟食店 我是辛迪 能为您做什么
Jerry's famous deli. This is Cindy. May I help you?
喂 我没有腿 我要和经理通话
Hi. I have no legs. May I speak to the manager?
如果我收到你们的账单或其他东西是因为
Now, if I get a bill and it's something, like, for...
我连续吃了两份该死的烤牛排
But two times in a row I eat the damn roast beef and I'm...
结果一直上洗手间
I can't stop going to the bathroom!
对不起 我无能为力
Well, I'm sorry, but there's nothing I can do for you.
妈妈
Ma?
我儿子觉得我疯了
And my son thinks I'm crazy.
妈妈 你在和谁打电♥话♥
Ma, who you calling?
杰里熟食店 别告诉我不能打给他们
It's Jerry's. And don't tell me not to call them.
天呐 把该死的电♥话♥挂了
Jesus christ, get off the fucking phone!
不要这样和我说话
Don't talk to me that way!
快把该死的电♥话♥挂了
Get off the fucking phone!
怎么了
What's going on?
老戏码了
Same thing as the last time.
她 她和你说了什么
Did she... what'd she call you about?
-烤牛排吗 -是的
- The roast beef? - Yes.
好吧 她刚刚在厨房♥吐了
All right, she just puked in the kitchen.
没关系 我建议她不要再吃烤牛排了
That's all right. I suggested that she doesn't eat roast beef
烤牛排不适合她
If it doesn't agree with her.
谢谢你的建议 可我很爱吃烤牛排
I... I appreciate your suggestions, but I love roast beef.
味道美极了
It's delicious!
去把那堆脏东西清理了
Go clean up the mess!
我不去 放开我
I can't. Get off of me!
你这个混♥蛋♥
You son of a bitch!
乔治
George?
你好 西蒙斯先生
Hi, Mr. simmons.
你们好 女士们
Ladies.
乔治·乔治 老兄 能和你拍张照吗
George Simmons, man! Can I get a picture?
是的 准备好了吗 好了 拍吧 宝贝 好了
Yeah, yeah. You got it ready? All right, hit me, baby, all right.
快 贴紧一点
Get a little tittie in there. Come on.
-你好吗 -你真有趣
- How are you? - You're really funny.
谢谢 你更有趣
Thank you. You're funnier.
先生们 先生们 你们好
Gentlemen. Gentlemen. Hey, what's up?
你们好
Hey. How are you?
-你好 帅哥 -医生
- Hey, handsome. - Doctor.
你好 孩子
How are you, kid?
你好 宝贝
How are you, baby?
安♥定♥片♥很有用 宝贝
The lunestas are working, baby.
药效温和 没有副作用
Those are smooth. No hangover.
入睡很快 骗人 为什么要吃安♥眠♥药♥
Fall asleep, bam. fucking what was the deal with the restorils?
你为什么让我服这些
Why did you give me those?
你要和我上♥床♥
You trying to fuck with me or something?
乔治 你的血常规报告
George, we got the results back
出来了
From the follow-up of your blood count
结果不是我们所希望的
And it's not what we hoped for.
我之前提过 你的血球数不正常
As I mentioned earlier, the CBC was abnormal.
白细胞数是
Your white blood cells were four times
正常值的四倍
The size that they should be.
而血红蛋白又很低 每100毫升只有七克
And very low hemoglobin, seven grams per deciliter.
我不明白你在说什么
I don't understand what you're saying right now.
你能说得简单点吗
Can you speak how people speak?
你得了重病 急性骨髓性白血病
You have a very serious disease. It's called AML.
白血病的一种
It's a form of leukemia and
我不知道病情会如何发展
I can't predict how this will play out,
但我知道你前途布满荆棘
But I feel you have a rough road ahead of you.
那是乔治·西蒙斯
That's George Simmons, right here.
乔治 乔治 乔治·西蒙斯
George! George! George Simmons!
老兄 你怎样 我是你影迷
Hey, man! How, how you doing, man? I'm a big fan of yours.
抱歉我不得不告诉你
I'm sorry to say we're past the point
以你目前的状况
Where traditional structures
化疗和放疗都没用了
Like chemotherapy and radiation would be effective at all.
我想最好是去找还在试验中的疗法
And I think it's best for us to pursue an experimental course.
给你 女士 这是你的达玛雷斯(一种食物)
Here you go, ma'am. Your tamales.
-谢谢光临奥托 -嘿 恰克
- Thanks for shopping at Otto's. - Yo, chuck,
我要去喜剧魔术俱乐部表演单口相声
I'm going up at the comedy & magic club doing stand-up.
你该来看我表演
You should come watch me.
别被他说动了 他不是个幽默的人
Don't let him suck you in. he's not funny.
他说得对 老兄 我不去 那太痛苦了
Nah, he's right, man. No way, man. That shit was painful.
看你在台上受难太痛苦了
I mean, it was hard watching you suffer up there.
看过那以后我一直做噩梦
I had fucking nightmares after that.
很久前的事了 好几个月前了
That was a long time ago. That was months ago.
那以后我幽默多了
I've gotten a lot funnier since then.
你还让我老婆无聊得睡着了
Then you bored my wife to sleep.
害我那晚没得做♥爱♥ 老兄
I couldn't get no pussy that night, man.
这事不能怪我
Don't blame me for your pussy issues.
-他们付你钱吗 -付钱 没有
- Are they gonna pay you? - Pay me? No!
刚开始是这样 刚开始拿不到钱
That's just how it starts. You don't get paid in the beginning.
你得一级一级往上爬
You gotta, you know, work your way up through the ranks.
朋友 妈的你无一技之长
My nigger, how the fuck you in show business
怎么还会在演艺圈里混
When you got no business to show?
我本来该写笑话
I'm supposed to be writing jokes.
该去演喜剧
I'm supposed to be doing comedy.
而不是在这做通心面沙拉
I'm not supposed to be making macaroni salad.
我讨厌这个 太令人沮丧了 奥托不是好公♥司♥
I hate it, man. It's depressing. Otto's sucks!
老兄 你根本受过他妈的挫折
You don't know about no motherfucking hard time, man.
我有前科 老兄 只有奥托肯雇我
I'm a ex-convict, man. otto's the only place that would hire me.
你优秀到奥托请不起了吗
You too good for otto's now?
我没那么优秀
I'm not too good for it.
我只是不 它不适合我 对不起
I just don't... it's not for me, you know, I'm sorry.
看看这假牙 1200美元
See that bridge? 1,200 bucks.
好吧
Okay.
都是奥托付的 老兄 奥托就是我的乐透(彩票)
On the house, man! Otto, man! Otto's my lotto.
别这样 老兄 我没法在这儿继续工作了
Come on, man, look. I can't work here anymore, all right?
你要上电视还是要干什么
What, you gonna be on TV or some shit like that?
我要上电视
I am gonna be on TV.
演个矮胖的服务生还是其他屁事
The chunky guy on survivor or some shit?
不 我要像宋飞一样
No, I'm gonna be like Seinfeld.
想得美 老兄
Get the fuck out of here, man!
你不可能像宋飞那样
You ain't gonna be like seinfeld.
我他妈的大爱宋飞
Seinfeld's my motherfucking man!
还是像克莱默
Now Kramer,
克莱默还不错 他是我朋友才这么说的
Kramer gets a pass from me 'cause kramer's my nigger.
你可真博爱
Well, very forgiving of you.
身为你的朋友 老兄 我告诉你
Look, as a friend, man, let me tell you something.
-你不幽默 -我觉得我挺幽默呢
- You're not funny. - I think I'm funny.