十字剑

Here, get used to kicking something with a face on it.
我要接受教育了 这是我爸爸的遗愿
I'm gonna be educated! It was my papa's dying wish!
-好极了 -她爸爸是我最后处决的一个人
- Oh, great. - Her papa was the last guy I executed.
这 令人难以忘怀
That's... haunting.
完美转接
But perfect segue:
我听说我被安排去执行明天的处决
I heard I've been assigned to the execution tomorrow.
我深感荣幸 但我或许不是最佳选择
I'm honored but maybe I'm not the best choice.
为什么
Why not?
好吧 我觉得死刑是不对的
Okay. I think the death penalty is, uh, wrong.
孩子 我双脚赞同 我们不能把每个囚犯都处死
Kid, I am so with you. We can't put every prisoner to death.
-是啊 -处决是偶尔放纵
- Exactly! - An execution is a "sometimes treat."
-就像冰淇淋 跳舞 塞菊花 -对 等等
- Like ice cream, dancing, butt stuff. - Right! Wait.
所以我明天不能处决一个普通的混♥蛋♥
And that's why I can't execute some average schmoe tomorrow.
你到地牢里给我选一个全明星
You go down to the dungeons for me and pick out a real all-star.
你懂的 一个真正的人♥渣♥
You know, a true shitball.
你想要我决定谁死吗 我不能扮演上帝
You want me to decide who dies? I can't play God!
上帝永远不会知道 上帝连你叫什么都不知道
God'll never know! God doesn't even know your name!
这是完美犯罪
It's the perfect crime!
西瓜 西瓜 西瓜
Watermelon! Watermelon! Watermelon!
别胡闹了
Stop fucking around!
我们得在三小时内搞定
We have to finish in three hours
我们还没开始修热水浴池呢
and we haven't even started the hot tub!
我去 国王终于要处决我了
Holy shit! The King's finally gonna execute me!
我还没准备好 我知道自己是个大人物
I'm not ready! I knew I was a huge deal,
但我没意识到自己岌岌可危
but I didn't realize my life was in danger!
我很怕但同时也受宠若惊
I'm terrified but also... so flattered.
我能看到了
Oh, I can see it now:
崇拜的粉丝们叫着我的名字
adoring fans chanting my name.
鲁本 鲁本 鲁本
Ruben! Ruben! Ruben!
我的遗言
My final words.
人人都盯着我 满座皆泣
Everyone staring at me. Not a dry eye in the house.
鲁本 听上去你想要被处决
Ruben, it sounds like you want to be executed.
操 德克 我不想被处决
Fuck, Dirk, I don't want to be executed.
我希望他们想让我被处决 意味着我成功了
I want them to want me to be executed. It means I've made it!
他们要处决我
They're going to execute me!
你似乎不介意 这很反常
You seem unusually okay with it.
椰子 他们永远抓不到我
Coconut, they'll never catch me.
你知道对于一个女人来说
But do you realize how rare it is
在这行里被认可有多罕见吗
for a woman to get recognized in this industry?
是真的吗
Is it true?
连一个可口精灵都不敢吃的侍卫
The squire who couldn't even eat a delicious fairy
现在掌握了生杀大权
now holds power over life and death?
你在这干什么 小雨
What are you doing here, Sprinkles?
我现在根据精灵法是你的主人吗
Do I own you by fairy law now?
不 我要纠缠到你死的那天
Oh, no. I'm haunting you till the day you die.
你所有朋友吃了我朋友
All your friends ate my friends!
我看到我未婚夫像玉米棒一样被吃掉
I saw my fiancé get eaten like a fucking corn on the cob!
我们刚刚发出我们的婚礼请柬
We just sent out our save-the-dates!
我们雇了一个书法家 也被吃了
We hired a calligrapher, who was also eaten!
你是想让我哭吗
Are you trying to make me cry?
幼儿收♥容♥所♥
今日处决
奉国王之令
城♥堡♥里一阵骚动 街谈巷议
Big commotion at the castle! Oh, talk of the town!
听说他们要处决一个重要人物
Hear they're executing someone pretty important!
一个大亨 人人都想给他口
Kind of a bigwig. Everyone wants to blow him.
-真想知道是谁 -还没宣布
- I wonder who, though. - Ain't been announced yet.
作为贴传♥单♥的人 我会是第一个知道
As the flier guy, I'd be first to know.
我赌是流氓鲁本
My money's on Ruben the Rogue.
-没听过 -流氓鲁本
- No. Never heard of him. - Ruben the Rogue?
在森林里打劫 穿很多绿色
Robs people in the forest, wears a lot of green,
帽子上有羽毛 帅气的小胡子
feather in the cap, real panty-dropper of a mustache.
-拜托 -听上去像是罗宾汉
- Come on, man! - That sounds like Robin Hood.
去他妈的罗宾汉 那是因为他坑骗鲁本多年
Fuck Hood. That's because he's been ripping off Ruben for years!
盛大处决啊 我赌是海盗女王柯萝尔
So, big execution, huh? My money's on Coral, the pirate queen.
滚 柯萝尔 你屁都不懂
Piss off, Coral! You don't know shit.
今年是属于我的 鲁本年
This is my year! I mean, Ruben's year!
真是胡扯
That's crazy talk!
你觉得谁是最棒最坏的罪犯 传♥单♥小哥
Who do you think is the best worst criminal, random flier guy?
要我说的话 最棒 最坏
Well, if you ask me, best, worst--
其实就是人气竞赛
it's all a big popularity contest, ya know?
就是个处决行业的马屁大会
Just a big execution industry circle jerk that--
他们走了
oh, they're gone.
裸女岛
要走在一起
Stick together, people!
-老天 -旅行指南说是裸体海滩
- Jesus! - The itinerary said nude beach.
没有旅行指南
There was no itinerary.
内有裸女
各位 我找到她们了
Guys! I found them!
爽
Hell yeah!
裸女 有人吗
Uh, naked ladies? Hello?!
各位 我从没见过裸女
Guys, I've never seen a naked lady before.
她们是会发出嘶嘶声吗
Are they supposed to... hiss?
看啊 巴里石化[硬]了
Look, guys! Barry's rock hard!
布洛斯 闭嘴 快跑
Broth! Shut the fuck up and run!
好好享受团队合作练习
Enjoy the teamwork exercise!
搞什么
What in the blue hell?
柯萝尔
处决研讨会
他们知道我负责处决吗
Do they know I'm in charge of the execution?
不知道 人人都有
Oh no. Everybody's getting them.
鲁本
处决研讨会
大海从来没这么可怕过
"The sea has never been scarier."
这感觉完全是在浪费钱
This seems like an enormous waste of money.
大家伙 我有好消息和坏消息
Hi everybody! I have good news and bad news.
好消息是 我带了棒棒糖 耶
The good news is, I brought lollipops! Yay!
坏消息是 我需要一个人 志愿牺牲
The bad news is, I need a volunteer... to die.
有人想拿一根吗[为了集体牺牲个人]
Anyone wanna take one for the team?
有人得了绝症吗 或许就是难过
Anyone feeling terminally ill? Maybe just sad in general?
我觉得我们都很难过
I'd say we're all sad in general.
看来只有来硬的了
I guess we're doing this the hard way.
菲利普·斯墨菲斯[小脸] 纵火犯
Phillip Smallface? Arsonist?
我来给你解释下
Let me break it down for you.
如果我点燃了一个教堂 然后没有下雨
If I light a church on fire and it doesn't rain,
我问你 那是怪我还是怪耶稣
I ask you, is that on me or is that on Jesus?
好了 查尔斯·莱茵霍德 又名精明小贩
Okay. Charles Reinhold, AKA Chuckster the Huckster.
这上面说你偷了上百个外婆
It says you stole the life savings of hundreds of grandmas,
娭毑 奶奶 祖母 阿嬷 阿婆和欧巴桑的毕生积蓄
meemaws, nanas, abuelitas, bubbies, babbas, and obaasans.
是的 我用那些钱给我未成年情人买♥♥了一艘黄金游艇
Yes, I used it to buy a gold yacht for my underage mistress,
他们都沉到了河底
and they both sank to the bottom of the river.
好惨 好了 英格伯·廷克珀
Yikes. Okay, Engelbert Tinklepaw,
你 吃了你♥爸♥
you... ate your dad?
我不是故意吃他的 他掉进了烧烤炉
I didn't eat him on purpose. He fell into the barbecue pit.
很悲剧 但从某种程度上来说 是一次滑稽的失误
It was a tragic, but in a certain light, hilarious mix-up.
好吧 帕姆
Right. Uh, Pam.
-你是女巫 -我不是女巫
- You're a witch? - I'm not a witch!
我只要求男女同工同酬
I'm just asking for equal pay for men and women!
女巫 女巫
Witch! Witch!
这边这人呢
What about this guy over here?
布拉尼 你怎么在这儿
Blarney?! Why are you here?
帕特里克
Hey, Patrick.
我没法再生活在那桥下了
I couldn't live under that bridge a second longer, man!
我室友是个小臭妖
My roommate's a real troll.
他老是在网上散布关于我的谣言
He kept posting lies about me on the web.
布拉尼吃自己的鸡♥巴♥结痂
好的 我漏掉了谁
Mm-kay. Who did I miss?
这里面有谁
What about in here?
什么鬼
What the...?
你好 欢迎来到皇后的性♥爱♥地牢
Oh, hi! Welcome to the Queen's sex dungeon,
也就是"玩乐地牢"
AKA the "fun dungeon"!
基本准则 安全词是"69"
Now, a couple of ground rules. The safe word is "S! Xty-n! Ne."
不过拼写要大写S i用感叹号♥替代
But spelled out, capital S, and the I's are exclamation points.
-所以谁是大赢家 -这是我最糟糕的噩梦
- So, who's the big winner? - This is my worst nightmare.
扔硬币吧
Eh. Flip a coin.
我要去"玩乐地牢"里探索一番