十字剑

这天简直比地狱还要水深火热
It's hotter than Satan's asshole.
我要造一个水上乐园
I'm building a water park.
虽然我很喜欢跟同僚们一起泡澡
As much as I love soaking in the soup of my fellow men,
我恐怕我们没有预算去造一个水上乐园
I'm afraid there's no room in the budget for a water park,
梅里曼国王
King Merriman.
水上乐园可以赚回造价
Water parks pay for themselves!
听到了吗
You hear that?
不造水上乐园是不负责任的表现 闪烁石英
It'd be irresponsible not to build a water park, Blinkerquartz!
钱在哪 除非我们抵押城♥堡♥
With what money? We'd have to mortgage the castle!
说到抵押
When it comes to mortgages,
我知道城♥堡♥违约互换一词会让人产生误解 但是
I know the term "castle default swap" sounds misleading, but--
成交
Sold!
你的发型带给了我信任感
Your haircut makes me trust you.
你拖欠抵押贷款
You defaulted on the mortgage,
现在城♥堡♥归银行所有
and now the bank owns the castle.
我们只好削减军事预算
We'll have to slash the military budget.
谢谢你把军队的剩余物全都卖♥♥给我
Thank you for selling me all your military surplus.
最好不要适得其反
This better not come back to bite me in the ass.
土匪刚把牛都偷走了
Bandits just stole all the cattle
以及一大堆军队剩余物
with a shitload of military surplus.
抱歉 我紧张的时候都会甩绳子
Sorry. This is just a thing I do when I'm nervous.
好吧 要有一顿时间没有牛排吃了
Okay, no steaks for a while,
但我们可以用那个牧场来种谷物
but we can use the grazing land to plant grain.
不会有人挨饿 一切尽在我掌握中
Nobody's gonna starve. I've got this under control.
我会用这些魔法豆来交换你所有的谷物
I'll trade you all your grain for these magic beans.
-成交 -我了个去
- Done. - Holy fucking hell.
问题终于解决了
Finally. Problem solved.
我和懒人河有约
Now, I've got a date with a lazy river.
居然不动
Come on!
我推你吧
I've got you.
所以我烧毁了水上公园
And that's why I burned down the water park
为了获取保险金
for the insurance money.
水上乐园有保险吗
Was the water park insured?
该死的魔法豆
Fuckin' beans!
十字剑
第一季 第七集
可算找到魔法豆了
There you are, beans!
喂 小子
Oi! You, boy!
吃屎去吧
叫国王吃屎去吧
Tell the king to suck me balls!
我们要饿死了
We're starving out here!
好的
Okay. Will do.
很好 谢谢你
Great. Cheers, mate!
那些可怜人
Those poor people.
也许这些不是魔法豆
Maybe you're not magic beans,
但是现在我们也需要一些普通豆子
but at this point we could use some regular beans, too.
你们只需要有人帮助你们起步
I bet all you need is a helping hand to get started.
我相信你们 豆子
I believe in you, beans.
我也相信你
I believe in you, too.
豆子 是你们吗
Beans, is that you?
你总是跟泥土说话吗
Do you always talk to dirt?
晚餐又喝鸡汤
Chicken soup for dinner again.
但愿土匪没偷光我们的牛
Wish the bandits hadn't stolen all our cows.
你好 我叫帕特里克 我是侍卫
Hi, I'm Patrick. I'm a squire.
我叫斯隆 在厨房♥工作
I'm Sloane. I work in the kitchen.
我来帮你抓鸡
Let me grab that for you.
那
So,
你经常在这里砍鸡头吗
do you, behead chickens here often?
其实这是我最后一次
Actually, this was my last one.
因为经费削减 厨工要被解雇了
With the budget cuts, kitchen staff's getting laid off.
我本来打算去我姑妈那住的
I was gonna stay with my aunt,
但那场神秘的水上乐园大火把她的公♥寓♥烧毁了
but her condo burned in that mysterious water park fire.
不是吧 太惨了
No. That's terrible.
也许现在我要完成我的小说了
Well, maybe now I'll finish my novel.
故事讲的是一个沮丧又无法养家的厨房♥女工
It's about a depressed kitchen maid who can't feed her family.
情况比我想象得还要糟
Things are worse than I thought.
简直是灾难 听说接下来轮到侍卫遭殃了
Yeah. It's a shitshow. I hear squires might be next.
但别听我瞎说
But don't listen to me.
我只是个沮丧又无法养家的厨房♥女工
I'm just a depressed kitchen maid who can't feed her family.
原来你是小说的女主角
The novel's about you.
平头小子
Oi! Haircut!
别再撩妹了
Stop talking that girl's tits off,
赶紧去和国王说 叫他去吃屎
and get busy telling the king to suck me balls!
看来你有很多事要做
Sounds like you have a lot to do.
不管怎样 很可惜我要走了
Anyways, too bad I'm leaving.
不然能更深入了解你 帕特里克
Would've been nice to get to know you, Patrick.
拜 斯隆
B‐bye, Sloane!
你听到了吗 豆子 她希望能增进对我的了解
Did you hear that, beans? She wishes she could get to know me.
你说得对 也许我可以挽救她的工作
You're right. Maybe I can save her job.
我要去找国王
I'll talk to the king.
我爱你 小伙伴们
I love you, little buddies.
陛下 晨间简报会要迟到了
Your highness, we're late for the morning briefing!
我们有很多事要讨论 全都是不好的事
We have much to discuss, and it's all bad.
简报会上有蛋糕吗
Is there cake at the meeting?
我们必须削减蛋糕的预算
We had to cut the cake budget,
如果你出席简报会 你就会知道了
which you would know, if you came to the briefing.
没有蛋糕就没有国王
No cake, no king.
你不能躲一辈子 陛下 你的人♥民♥很愤怒
You can't hide in there, forever, sire. The people are angry.
他们在说些什么
Wha‐What are they saying?
吃屎去吧
她是我见过最漂亮的姑娘 布洛斯
She's the most beautiful girl I've ever met, Broth.
没人割鸡喉咙能像她这么美艳动人的
Who knew someone could look so sexy slitting a chicken's throat?
天呐 城♥堡♥美女
Boy. A castle smokeshow.
我等不及看看这个艳物
I can't wait to lay eyes on this broad.
她就在那里 快看
She's right there. Look!
在哪 那个平庸的土豆侍女挡住视线了
Where? That extremely average potato maid is in the way.
-女士 别挡着视线 -什么
- Hey, lady! Quit blocking the view! - What?
闭嘴 就是她 她简直是美若天仙
S‐shut up. That's her! Isn't she gorgeous?
两只眼 一张嘴和一个鼻子
Two eyes, a mouth, a nose.
脸上该有的五官都有
I mean, her face has all the parts.
我知道
I know.
-我不能让她被人炒鱿鱼 -帕特里克
- I can't let her get fired. - Patrick.
把国王带出他的房♥间 他不能整天躲着
Get the king out of his room. He can't hide all day.
如果你需要助力 这里有点芝士和饼干
Here's some cheese and crackers if you need backup.
有时你必须一路扔芝士
Sometimes you have to make a cheese trail
然后躲在角落里
and hide around the corner.
然后我和闪烁石英说
And then I told Blinkerquartz,
没有蛋糕就没有国王
"No cake, no king."
你是天下最聪明的国王 快亲亲我
You're the cleverest king in all the land. Kiss me!
你这个追星族
Now, now, you little starfucker.
快亲我 不然我就自杀
Kiss me, or I'll kill myself!
先别着急
Let's not be hasty.
我要从窗户跳下去 为了爱情
I'm throwing myself out the window. For love.
搞什么
What the hell?
我的老天 我的魔法豆
Merlin's merkin! My beans!
我的魔法豆
My magic beans!
我不断言语谩骂 羞辱植物终于起效了
My sustained verbal abuse and plant‐shaming worked!
怪事了 有人撒了一地的零食
That's weird. Someone left a trail of snacky food.
谁会吃呢
Who will eat it?
陛下
Sire?
什么 魔法豆
What? The beans!
我就知道它们只是需要一点点爱
I‐I knew they just needed a little love.
国王陛下
Your maj-Sire!
再也不回来了 混♥蛋♥们
Be back never, motherfuckers!
老天呐 他在徒手爬树干
Jesus Christ, he's free‐soloing the stock.
他的上肢力量不够
He doesn't have the upper body strength for that.
我得去追他 或者我应该去吗
I've gotta go after him. Or do I?
如果他回避自己的问题 也许我也该这么做
If he's running away from his problems, maybe I should, too.
但如果国王死了
But if the king dies,
王国的问题也许只会更严重
the kingdom's problems might only get worse.
吃屎去吧
天呐 回来 王国需要你
God. Come back! The kingdom needs you!
去他的王国 我自♥由♥了