十字剑

My family's dead from plague, but your problems seem equally hard!
关于国王镇的第一课 不要把你的想法说出来
Okay, first lesson about Kingstown: don't say your thoughts out loud.
是真的 我们讨厌那样
It's true! We hate that!
讨厌鬼
Fuckface!
你要一个你永远用不上的新颖酒杯吗
Can I interest you in a novelty shot glass you'll never use?
我像国王一样喝酒
不了 谢谢 我不要垃圾 摇头娃娃
No thanks, I'm not in the market for garbage. Whoa, bobbleheads!
梅里曼国王 我要这个
Wow, King Merriman! I'm gettin' this!
这是谁
Huh? Who's this one?
那是我们最有名的本地妓♥女♥ HPV[人乳♥头♥瘤病毒]安妮
That's our most famous local hooker, HPV Annie!
她传播HPV
She spread HPV?
不 她治好了这病
No, she cured it.
她靠着做♥鸭♥子拿到了生物化学博士学位
She whored her way to a biochemistry doctorate.
她当然有HPV 笨蛋
Of course she had HPV, you idiot!
你这个销♥售♥员太无礼了
You're a pretty rude salesman.
抱歉 我刚得知我有HPV
Look, I'm sorry. I just found out I have HPV.
小子 你肯定是室内装潢师吧
Kid, you must be an interior decorator,
你打量这些雪人毛皮地毯的方式
the way you're eyeing these yeti pelt throw rugs!
雪人不是白色的吗 怎么这些是黄的
Well, I thought yetis were white. Why are these so yellow?
有趣的事实 你开枪打雪人的时候它们会吓尿
Fun fact, yetis piss themselves when you shoot 'em.
还会一直叫妈妈
They also scream, scream, scream for mama,
但妈妈不会来
but mama ain't comin'.
没人会来
Ain't nobody comin'.
除了我和我的剥皮刀
Nobody 'cept me and my peltin' knife.
我能看出你喜欢黑光艺术 朋友
I can tell you've got an eye for black-light art, friendo.
半兽人要打扑克 有点俗气
Orcs playing poker? Kind of tacky.
-你对半兽人有意见吗 -没有 我
- You got a problem with orcs? - No, I--
那那些为了追寻梦想而搬到大城市
What about orcs who move to the big city to pursue their dreams
最后却发现艺术圈子保守和势利的半兽人呢
only to find the art community insular and snobbish?
你在说你自己吗
Are you talking about yourself?
我 我绝对不是一个
Me? I'm definitely not an orc
成就低于自己预期的半兽人
who turned out to be way less talented than he thought.
-好吧 -请买♥♥一幅画
- Okay. - Please buy a painting!
好了 这是我的申请书
Okay, here's my application.
很好 我只需要你缴纳申请费
Great! I just need your application fee.
新人吗 我可不是
Newbie, huh? Not me!
俗话说得好 八次出奇迹
Eighth time's the charm, as the saying goes.
没人这么说 你好 我是帕特里克
Nobody says that. Hi, I'm Patrick.
我叫布洛斯[肉汁]
The name's Broth.
它是任何汤里的精华 也是俗话
The best part of any soup, also as the saying goes.
-没人这么说 -如果你忘了我名字
- Nobody says that. - So if you forget my name,
就想象一碗尝试一件事八次的汤
just picture a bowl of soup attempting something eight times.
我从来没参加过这比赛
Hey, I've never done this before.
你介意我跟着你吗
Do you mind if I tag along with you?
一点也不
Not at all!
别担心 人人在开赛之前都会感到紧张
Don't worry, everyone gets butterflies before the tournament.
你看到那边那个灌木丛了吗
You see that bush over there?
我连续八年在它后面呕吐
I've puked behind it eight years in a row!
好恶心 有人把他们的东西放在了那里
Oh gross, someone set their stuff in it.
那是 我的东西
That's... my stuff.
好了 请缴纳费用
All righty! I just need your fee.
棒
Great.
你觉得有人能看出我的盔甲9成的成分是铝箔吗
You think anyone can tell my armor is 90 percent aluminum foil?
不能
No.
你看到那边那个盔甲了吗
You see that sweet armor down there?
里面的傻缺叫霍尔顿
The dildo inside is named Holden.
-他是最被看好获胜的人 -还有赔率
- He's the odds-on favorite to win. - There's odds?
姓名 赔率 胜 负
帕忑里克
布洛斯
他们拼错了我名字
They misspelled my name!
看样子是对的
It seems accurate.
热烈欢迎梅里曼国王陛下
All hail His Royal Majesty King Merriman
以及图莉璞皇后殿下
and Her Royal Highness Queen Tulip!
我跟国王和皇后呼吸着同样的空气
I'm breathing the same air as the king and queen!
真想知道他们在说是
I wonder what they're talking about.
肯定是要事
I bet it's something important!
那些郁金香看上去像是已经见过红毯了
Those tulips look like they've already seen a red carpet or two.
我们现在开始回收它们 因为太贵了
We're recycling them now because they are fucking expensive.
以这破比赛的价格
For the price of this stupid tournament,
我们可以买♥♥好多郁金香 多到能从我屁♥眼♥里冒出来
we could buy so many tulips I'd have tulips coming out of my asshole.
梦想成真
It's a dream come true!
告诉他会是噩梦成真
Tell him it's going to be a nightmare come true
我会把他揍出渎神之屎
when I get done kicking the unholy shit out of him.
霍尔顿说祝你好运
Yeah, Holden says good luck.
跟他说谢谢
Tell him thanks!
他说操♥你♥妈♥
He says to go fuck yourself.
还有人觉得那些郁金香不够标准吗
Do those tulips look subpar to anyone else?
预备 瞄准
Ready... aim...
护卫
squire!
混战
就是现在了 是时候发光发亮了
This is it! Time to shine!
不要脸 不要脸
Low blow! Low blow!
那违反了规则
That was a rules violation!
立刻给那人扣掉五分
Deduct five points from that man at once!
抱歉 抱歉 希望不会对你的精♥子♥造成永久性损伤
Sorry! Sorry! Hope the damage isn't spermanent!
老天 那孩子的蛋蛋就像是皮纳塔
Jesus, that kid's got a piñata for a sack.
天 我的童年阴影又回来了
Oh God! It's my childhood all over again!
打蛋
Nut shot!
打蛋
Nut shot!
海盗风
Pirate-style!
这不公平 女生没有蛋蛋
It's not fair! Girls don't have nutsacks!
女生没有蛋蛋
Girls don't have nutsacks,
没有蛋蛋
don't have nutsacks.
我记起来了
I remember now!
打蛋
Nut shot!
挡住了 傻♥逼♥
Countered, motherfucker!
怎么会这样
But how?
我的鸡鸡和蛋蛋都安全夹在了我的双腿之间
My penis and balls are tucked safely between my legs!
棒
Yes!
魔术
欢迎来到下一级 笨蛋们
Welcome... to the next level, fools!
谁要和皇家魔术师闪烁石英斗智斗勇
Who will dare match wits with the royal magician Blinkerquartz?
我等不及要见他了
Wow, I can't wait to meet him!
就是我 傻♥逼♥
It's me, fuckhead!
你以为我穿成这样是为了好玩吗
What, do you think I'm wearing this outfit for shits and gigs?
你的语气说"不是"
Your tone says "no."
做好准备 你们要面对什么魔术
Prepare yourselves! What magic will you face?
闪电术 你们的剑会变成蛇吗
Lightning bolts? Will your swords turn to snakes?
也许 但我们先慢点开始
Well perhaps, but let's start slow.
一个金币就能看到闪烁石英能做什么魔术了
One gold coin is all it takes to see what magic Blinkerquartz makes.
赌注不可改变 谁想变富 是你吗 是你吗
All bets final. Who wants to get rich? Is it you? Is it you?
等等 那可不是魔术
Wait. That's not magic!
布拉尼 我要我的午饭钱
Blarney, I need my lunch money!
你想要让你的午饭钱翻倍吗
How'd you like to double your lunch money?
找到A 你就能吃到无数的油炸土豆丸子
Find the ace and you'll be up to your crack in tater tots!
这里面不该有张牌是A吗
Uh, isn't one of those supposed to be an ace?
我是和骗子一起长大的
I grew up with cheaters.
没人有我这么了解骗子 那是我的优势
Nobody knows cheaters the way I do! That's my edge!
就差一点 再来试试
Aah, so close! Try your luck again?
我能玩吗 见鬼 警♥察♥来了
Hey, can I play? Oh shit! The cops!
在哪 我没法再去坐十年牢
Where? I can't do another dime!
找到了 算我赢吗
Found it. Do I win?
-该死 -他骗了我
- Aw, shit! - He cheated me!
等等 还有更多 我的天
Wait, wait, wait! There's more-- Oh my God!
口哨鞭子 亏我那么信你 亏我那么信你
Whistle whip! I trusted you, man! I trusted you!
帕特里克 你表现好棒
Wow, Patrick! You're doing great!
我还是没搞懂分数是怎么算的
I'm still not sure how the points are being awarded.
这比赛太腐♥败♥了
This game is corrupt as hell!
我要想赢的话 我得比所有骗子还精明
If I'm going to win, I'll have to out-cheat the cheaters!
古老的积非成是哲学 我懂你
Ah, the old two-wrongs-make-a-right philosophy. I hear ya.
等等 不是
Wait. No-no.
你靠作弊拿到工作 然后尽力做一个最棒的骗子
You cheat your way into the job then you be the best cheater you can be!
但是靠公平竞争你没法战胜一个被♥操♥纵的体系