十字剑

我好讨厌高中派对
I hate high school parties.
帕特里克 重磅消息
Patrick, big news.
海莉的父母出门了 他们家有热水浴池
Hailey's parents are out of town and they've got a hot tub.
不过你别告诉麦肯齐
Don't tell Mackenzie, though.
她刚发现海莉和瑞安有一腿
She just found out Hailey and Ryan hooked up
她整个人都不好了
and she is a total mess.
我太喜欢在火边喝酒了
I love drinking next to fire.
你看 瑞安 我也可以很自然
See, Ryan? I can be spontaneous.
都别看麦肯齐 她只是为了吸引注意力
Nobody look at Mackenzie, she just does it for attention.
开花公主 我们得走了
Princess Blossom, we have to go.
外交宴会你要迟到了
You're late for a diplomatic function.
我已经是成年人 我可以随心所欲
I'm a grown‐ass woman, I do what I want.
作为一名成年人
And part of being grown-ass
很多时候就是不能随心所欲
is doing things you don't want to do.
开花 我们比赛谁先到海莉家
Hey, Blossom. Race you to Hailey's?
抱歉 罗根 我得去当成年人了
Aw, sorry, Logan. I have to, like, go be a grownup.
心理医生 吃屎吧你 帕特里克
Psych! Eat shit, Patrick!
好的 太棒了
All right! Yeah, babe!
给我们看看你的胸
Hey! Show us your boobies.
好吧
Okay, fine.
不行 我近视 你得过来点
Oh no, I'm nearsighted! Bring them over here.
公主
Princess!
你疯了吗
Are you crazy?
我太渴望关注了
I'm crazy for attention.
给蜜蜂让路
Make way for the bees.
谁先转向谁是小狗
First one to swerve is a little bitch.
该死的
God dammit!
意料之外的风车
Unexpected windmill?!
该死的
Oh, shit.
我们还去海莉家吗
Are we still going to Hailey's?
不然呢
Or what?
十字剑
第一季 第六集
你昨天晚上就一个工作
You had one job last night:
让我女儿去参加那个无聊宴会 这样我就不用去了
get my daughter to that boring function so I didn't have to go.
帕特里克 我在此宣判你要做我的捧哏
Patrick, I hereby sentence you to being my hype man
还有我放屁也得你背锅
and the guy I blame my farts on.
刚才是你放的屁吗
Was that you?
不 是你
No, that was you!
还有你
And as for you‐‐
每次你去篝火宴会的时候 都会喝醉
Every time you go to a bonfire, you get drunk
然后把马车撞到风车上
and crash a chariot into a windmill.
你最近很疯狂
You're acting crazy lately.
捧哏
Hype man?
来了
Uh, yeah.
简直疯了
Crazy, y'all!
开花 你当时在想什么
Blossom, what were you thinking?
我不知道 我感觉很疯狂
Oh! I don't know, okay? I feel insane.
有时候我忍♥不住哭
Like, sometimes I can't stop crying.
大多数时候 我感觉自己想杀人
And most of the time, I feel like I could kill someone.
好吧 我似乎懂了
I see. I think I understand.
她是狼人
She's a werewolf!
她是狼人 各位 在满月下嚎叫
She's a werewolf, y'all! Howlin' at the moon.
我女儿是个狼人 帕特里克 你有点眼力见行吗
My daughter's a werewolf, Patrick. Read the room.
我不是狼人
I'm not a werewolf!
她要转化了 快给我拿银棍和绳子
She's turning. Get me a silver stake and a tarp.
我浑身都疼
Everything hurts.
我的胃 我的背 我的胸
My stomach. My back. My boobs!
我的感情
My feelings!
谁也别看我
Nobody look at me!
我是个怪物
I'm a monster!
血迹 她以前杀过人 还会再杀人的
Blood! She's killed, and she'll kill again.
所有人都闭嘴
Everyone shut the fuck up!
她不是狼人 她是女人
She's not a werewolf. She's a woman.
我的女儿来了初潮
My baby just got her first period.
就在这里 当着所有人的面
Right here, in front of everybody.
这简直是我这辈子最羞耻的...
This is the most humiliating day of my entire‐‐
我刚放了屁
I just farted, everybody!
天哪 梅里曼
Oh good god, Merriman.
霍尔顿
Holden?
怎么...
What the‐‐
帕特里克 我在烧伤病院住着的几个月
Patrick, during my months in the burn ward,
我想了很久
I had a long time to think about
你当初为什么要拿烟火筒把我点了
why you set me on fire with a big Roman candle.
你做了弊 但是我先做了弊
You cheated, but I cheated first.
所以我们扯平了 我不恨你
So I consider us square. No grudges.
你真大度 谢谢 那你是来看我们的吗
That's very big of you. Thanks. So, are you just visiting?
我要留下 因为...
I'm staying, because you see...
我好得很
I'm perfectly fine!
大家来认识一下新侍卫 霍尔顿
Everyone, meet our newest squire, Holden.
他果然还是不顾我的劝阻当众揭掉绷带
I see he did the bandage reveal even though I asked him not to.
总之 巴里现在没法工作
Anyway, with Barry out of commission...
我们有了空闲职位
we had a spot to fill.
霍尔顿当时是比赛里的第二名
And Holden was the runner‐up in the tournament.
什么味道
What is that smell?
哥们 你是拉裤子里了吗
Dude, did you shit your pants?
不 是国王的屁
No. It's the king's farts.
那你是不是该停止拍他马屁啊
Well maybe you should stop kissing his ass so hard.
有人吗
Hello?
有人吗
H‐Hello?
-宝贝 -基弗 亲爱的
- Hey, babe. - Keefer, baby.
你猜怎么着 我来初潮了
Guess what? I got my first period.
我好喜欢你每次都能
I love how you're not afraid
大声说出别人不想听的话
to say stuff out loud that no one wants to hear.
我也很喜欢我这一点
I love that about me, too.
最精彩的部分在于 还会举办初潮派对
And the best part is, I get a super sweet period party.
吻我
Kiss me.
你有感觉吗
Is this working for you?
没什么感觉
Not really.
我能透视到你的大脑 虽然很酷
I mean, I can see inside your brain, and that's cool,
但这只是提醒我 我再也感受不到真正的接吻了
but mostly it just reminds me I'll never feel a real kiss again.
基弗 你还想念活着时的什么东西
Aw, Keef! What else do you miss about being real?
大概是跟乐队一起演奏吧
Um, I guess playing with my band.
还有我奶奶的桃子馅饼
The taste of my grandma's peach cobbler.
我不想感觉像一个
Not feeling untethered in
游离在天堂和地狱之间的迷茫虚空
a directionless void between heaven and hell.
撒尿居然也令我有点怀念
Taking a big‐ass whiz ranks unexpectedly high.
宝贝 太悲伤了 我们就像是年轻的成♥人♥小♥说♥
Baby, it's so tragic. We're like a young adult novel.
讲一个美丽的公主
It's... It's the beautiful princess in love with the ghost
爱上了超级帅的特雷门琴手幽灵
of a super‐hot theremin player
他在舞台上死在了被诅咒的铁娘子刑具里
who died onstage in a cursed iron maiden.
要是我去参加你的初潮派对
You know I'd freak everybody out
我肯定会把大家吓到的
if I went to your period party.
有人提到"初潮派对"了吗
Did someone say "Period party"?
唐娜姑妈 走开 你个疯女人
Aunt Donna! Piss off, you crazy egg lady.
好多年没人来看过我了
I haven't had visitors in years.
我们不是来看你的 这是我们的秘密亲热地
We're not visiting you. This is our secret makeout spot now.
在我出生前 我爷爷就把她关在了这里
My grandpa locked her weird ass up here before I was even born.
对 现在只剩我和丹尼尔
Yes. Now it's just me and Daniel.
她给自己编了一个男朋友
She macraméd herself a boyfriend.
他不是我的男朋友 我们已经结婚了
He's not my boyfriend, we're common law married now.
唐娜姑妈 我对天发誓
Aunt Donna, I swear to fucking god.
你要小心初潮派对
Beware the period party, girl.
在夜晚的时候 少女珍贵的贞操
At the end of the night, the maiden's valuable virginity
会用贞操带锁起来
gets locked up tight in a chastity belt.
我才不会戴贞操带
No way I'd put on a chastity belt.
拒绝的公主就会被关起来
Princesses who refuse get locked up in towers.
如果你不信 可以问问我
If you don't believe me, just ask me!
皇室屁比一般屁还要厉害
Royal farts are so much worse than regular farts.
我都洗不掉
I can't scrub them off.
霍尔顿
Holden!