十字剑

我要去找妈妈和爸爸
I've got to find Mom and Dad!
开花公主 等等
Princess Blossom, wait!
妈妈 爸爸
Mom?! Daddy?
公主 别这样 这里不安全
Princess, please, it's not safe.
废话 帕特里克
Umm, no shit, Patrick.
那家伙的脸上插了一把斧头
That guy has an axe through his fucking face.
我得带你离开这儿
We need to get you away from here.
我在想 他死之前有没有时间想
I wonder if before he died, he had time to think,
"操 我脸上有一把斧头"
"Oh, fuck, there's an axe in my face."
我♥操♥
What the?
-开花 -我亲爱的宝贝
- Blossom! - My sweet baby!
妈妈 爸爸
Mommy! Daddy!
帕特里克杀了弥诺陶洛斯 救了我
Patrick killed the Minotaur and saved me.
-什么 不可能 -似乎不太可能
- What? No way. - Seems unlikely.
在这儿吵啥呢
What's all that racket out here?
我在做填字游戏
I'm trying to do a crossword puzzle.
你们要是帮不了我就闭嘴
Pipe down unless you can help me.
"给一条老狗的问候" 11个字母
"Greetings for an elderly dog," 11 letters.
你这个老娼妇
You old bitch!
我之前希望你死在这里而没人告诉我
I was hoping you died up here and nobody told me.
你好啊 亲爱的弟弟 看看谁被推♥翻♥了
Hello, brother dear. Look who got overthrown.
这位是图莉璞吗 我差点没认出你来
And is that Tulip? I barely recognized you.
天哪 岁月爬上了你的脸庞
Goodness, middle age ran over your face,
还备份再爬了一遍
then backed up and did it again.
闭嘴 唐娜姑妈
Shut up, Aunt Donna.
你也一样危险 恶心的老僵尸
You are in danger, too, you nasty old shitghoul.
刺客
Assassin!
又是这家伙
Ugh, this dick again.
你太讨厌了
You're so annoying.
别再糟蹋我的生活了
Stop ruining my life!
我的计划运行得很完美
My plan worked perfectly.
你最优秀的骑士死了在迷宫里
Your best knights died in the maze,
要拿下你的城♥堡♥便易如反掌
leaving your castle ripe for the taking.
我们有一支军队 你脑子进屎了吧
We have an army, you shit-for-brains.
等他们来了你还有什么计划
What's your plan when they show up?
马上放了我们 你就不会受到伤害 基本上
Release us now, and no harm will come to you. Mostly.
可能会有些轻微的折磨 但基本没有伤害
Some light torture probably, but essentially no harm.
是时候让正义的统治者登上王座了
Time for the rightful ruler to take her place on the throne.
唐娜女王万岁
Long live Queen Donna!
她
Her?
-我吗 -她才不是统治者
- Me? - She's not the ruler.
她是个舔蛋的疯子 还有个纱线做的男朋友
She's an egg-sucking lunatic with a boyfriend made out of yarn.
这太荒唐了 把面具摘下来
This is absurd. Take off that mask.
那好
Very well then.
斯隆
Sloane?
谁
Who?
十字剑
第一季 第十集
那个丑陋的清洁女仆
The ugly chambermaid.
这下一切都说得通了
It all makes sense now.
作为清洁女仆 她有通行权限
Being a chambermaid gave her access,
而作为丑女 她有这个动机
and being ugly gave her a motive.
我不丑 我只是戴了眼镜
I'm not ugly. I just wear glasses.
我♥操♥ 妹子
Damn, girl.
-我勒个去 我勒个去 -所有人都死了
- Holy shit. Holy shit... - Everyone's dead.
你们来帮帮我
You guys, help me!
我们现在怎么办
What do we do now?
在事情结束前 我们就待在这儿
We stay in here until it's over.
那开花公主呢
What about Princess Blossom?
可能死了吧 我希望
Probably dead. I hope.
但她是我们的朋友 各位
But she's our friend. Hello.
如果角色转换过来 她一定会...
If the roles were reversed, she would totally--
让我们去死
Let us die.
她用各种方式告诉过我们了 很多次
She went out of her way to tell us that. Many times.
只是闪烁石英而已
It's just Blinkerquartz.
你是躲在床底下了吗
Were you hiding under the bed?
不是
No.
我 我丢了点东西
I... I... I dropped something.
你难道不应该去对刺客施魔法吗
Shouldn't you be out there doing magic on the assassins?
让他们都消失
Make them all disappear?
亲爱的孩子
Oh, dear girl,
我是指定幸存者
I'm the designated survivor.
你看 我必须得活着
You see, I must stay alive
以防万一皇室发生什么事情
in case anything happens to the royal family.
你们不会希望我抛弃自己的职责 对吧
You wouldn't want me to abandon my duty, w-would you?
大概不会
I guess not.
我们有四个人 我们来玩棋盘游戏吧
Oh, we have a foursome. Let's play a board game.
我们不喜欢跟开花玩 因为她作弊
We don't like playing with Blossom because she cheats.
彻底搜查城♥堡♥ 把游荡的人都杀了
Sweep the castle and kill any stragglers.
没有人能活着出去
Nobody gets out alive.
斯隆 你怎么能这么做
Sloane, how could you do this?
怎么能 当然是在你的帮助下
How? With your help, of course.
没有你我根本做不到
I couldn't have done it without you.
帕特里克 叛徒
Patrick? A traitor?
当 当 当
Dun-dun-dunnnn!
但是我从来没帮过你
But... I never helped you.
我也许不应该跟任何人说起
You know, I'm probably not supposed to tell anybody this,
但国王把他的怪人姐姐关在了监狱塔楼
but... the king locked up his weird sister in the prison tower.
开花骑马时总是跟她的侍女们分开
Psst! Blossom always rides separately from her ladies-in-waiting.
别告诉任何人 这是个秘密
Don't tell anybody, it's a secret.
如果这是个秘密 就他妈的闭嘴
If it's a secret, then shut the fuck up!
你知道那个关于弥诺陶洛斯迷宫的都市传说吗
You know that urban legend about the Minotaur labyrinth?
那是真的
It's true.
你们需要第三个人吗 原来是斯隆
You guys looking for a third? Oh, it's Sloane.
我觉得我爱上你了
I think I'm falling in love with you.
我也是 对了 那个迷宫在哪里
Same, yeah. Where's that labyrinth at?
你这个饥渴的渣男
You thirsty fuckboy.
你把我们的秘密全都告诉她了
You told her all of our secrets?
好了 我想现在所有人都知道
Okay, well, I guess now everybody knows I can't poop
除非有人牵着我的手讲故事 否则我就拉不出屎了
unless someone's holding my hand and telling me a story.
好极了
Great.
这个我还不知道
I didn't know that.
斯隆 你为什么要在意唐娜是不是女王
Sloane, why do you care if Donna's the queen or not?
因为我的名字不是斯隆 而是丹妮尔
Because my name's not Sloane. It's Danielle.
丹妮尔 丹妮尔
Danielle? Danielle.
没错 母亲 我回来找你了
That's right, Mother. I've come back to you.
-母亲 -亲爱的
- Mother? - Oh, ho-ho, sweetheart.
真的是你吗
Is it really you?
太荒谬了
That's preposterous.
如果你有孩子 我们会知道的
If you'd had a baby, we'd have known.
我的事你不知道的还多着呢 弟弟
There's a lot you don't know about me, little brother.
你很幸运 我为我的故事写了本儿童读物
Lucky for you, I wrote and illustrated
并配上了插图
a children's book all about it. Hmmph.
《禁锢 我的黑暗与悲惨的故事》
唐娜姨妈著
我正在向出版社推销它
I'm shopping it to publishers now.
其中一个是住在墙里的老鼠
One of them is the rat that lives in the wall.
很久很久以前
当我还是个小女孩的时候
As a young girl,
我爱上了一个叫丹尼的健壮马夫
I was in love with a hunky stable boy named Danny.
快看这小伙的胸肌
Look at the pecs on this kid.
我的月经初潮像绽放的玫瑰
The first time my womanly rose bloomed
染红了我那该死的设计师品牌床单
all over my fucking designer sheets
我没告诉任何人
I told no one.
你不是说这本书是给孩子看的吗
Uh, you said this book was for children?
如果我的秘密泄露出去 他们会给我穿上上锁的
If my secret got out, they'd lock me up
防鸡♥巴♥的贞操带 简直就是扯淡
in a dick-proof chastity belt, which is bullshit.
最终 他们把我抓个正着
Eventually they caught me red-handed.
我当时的月经量很大
I had a heavy flow back then.
别他妈再说了
For fuck's sake.
在月经派对的前夕
On the eve of the period party,
丹尼与我私奔 开始了新的生活
Danny and I ran away to start a new life together.
那真是一段没羞没臊的日子