反同运动的前世今生（2020）

那晚之后不久 我独自坐在自己的房♥间里
"Shortly after that night, I sat alone in my room,
迷失在一阵恐惧之中 痛苦 且自我厌恶
lost in a whirlwind of fear, agony, and self-loathing."
这时我想起了香烟的灼烧
"That's when I remembered the cigarette burn
想起了火灼烧我皮肤的那一刻 一股超脱之感
and the wave of detachment that washed through my body
流过我的全身
the moment the fire seared my skin."
我在房♥间寻找 在火中会发热的金属物体
"After scanning my room for ment-- metal objectsxa0that would heat under fire,
最后决定用一枚25美分硬币
I landed on a quarter."
我用镊子夹住硬币 把它放到打火机的火焰中
"Clamping the quarter with tweezers, I plunged it into the flame of a lighter,
随着硬币变热 我的心跳加快了
my heart rate rising as the coin heated up."
我吸一口气 紧紧绷住我的左臂 把那枚硬币深压进我的肉中
"I inhaled, flexed my left arm, and pressed the quarter deep in my flesh
直到皮肤破损 疼痛麻木
until the skin broke and the pain numbed."
那天下午 我重复了这个过程至少20次
"I repeated the process at least 20 times that afternoon,
我的肩膀上烧出了几条笔直的线条 每条都有几厘米宽
searing straight lines into my shoulder, each a few inches wide."
有几个星期 我每天早晚都在伤口处
"For weeks, I engaged in a routine of applyingxa0Neosporin to the wounds
涂消炎软膏
every morning and evening."
在那些时刻 我和我的身体都很安全
"We were safe in those moments, me and my body."
我可以卷起我的上衣袖子 露我的伤口
"I could roll up my shirt sleeve, expose my wounds,
就会感受到温柔与同情
and be met with tenderness and compassion."
在后来几年里 当这种痛苦变得难以忍♥受
"In the years that followed, when the anguish became unbearable,
我就会求助于这一过程
I would return to this routine,
在肩膀上灼烧出一条条直线 并独自疗伤 自我抚慰
burning straight lines into my shoulders and tending to the wounds to self-soothe."
我听说抑郁被称为转向内心的愤怒
"I've heard depression described as anger turned inward."
也许我在寝室这些年都是这样度过的
"Perhaps that's what I was doing in my dorm room all those years ago."
我很愤怒 因为我被困在这个肉体中
"I took the rage I felt about living in a body thatxa0couldn't be submitted
它无法被赋予原本的模样
into the kind of body it was supposed to be,
一个异性恋的身体、女性的身体 虔诚基♥督♥徒的身体
a straight body, a feminine body, a good Christian body,
然后我灼伤了它”
and I lit it on fire."
-我爱你 宝贝 -我爱你
- I love you, babe. - I love you.
对不起
I'm sorry.
是啊 挺让人难过的
Yeah, it's kind of intense.
对 是的
Yeah, it is.
俄勒冈州 波特兰
多年来
Over the years,
我的同性恋倾向越来越难以…
it was increasingly harder to keep my homosexuality--
难以控制
keeping the lid on it.
我主要是使用色情作品
Primarily, it was through use of pornography,
这会被我妻子发现 让她很烦恼
which my wife would discover, and it would very much trouble her.
我能理解这为什么会让她烦恼
I can understand why it would trouble her.
这是一种威胁
It was threatening.
是不顺从
It was disobedient.
这意味着… 是否意味着我要变成原来的样子了？
It meant-- Did it mean I was reverting back?
我记得有一天她来跟我说：
I remember her turning to me one day and saying,
“约翰 你为什么就不能顺从呢？
"John, why can't you just obey?"
你为何不能依着神的旨意做决定？”
"Why can't you make the Godly decision?"
我记得对她说：
And I remember saying to her,
“我不知道”
"I-- I-- don't know."
我不知道那种感觉为什么没有消失
I don't know why it didn't go away.
也不知道如何让它消失
I don't know how to make it go away.
情况变得更糟 随着年龄的增长 越来越严重
It's getting worse. The older I get, it's getting worse.
我发现身边都是爱我的人
I found myself surrounded by people who loved me,
我的妻子和儿子们
my wife and my sons,
但我却感到异常孤独
and I felt all alone.
我…
I…
渴望被男人爱 也渴望爱一个男人
ached to be loved and to love a man.
我已经变得
And I had gotten to the point where
所有这一切的根本原因
the root causes of all this
不再重要了
didn't matter anymore.
从圣经的角度来看 这件事的对错已经不再重要了
The right or wrong of this, biblically, didn't matter anymore.
我想：“如果我不踏上这段旅程 去弄清楚我是谁的话
I thought, "If I don't go on this journey to figure out who I am,
我会结束自己的生命”
I will take my life."
我会结束自己的生命
I will take my life.
2000年
我当时在华盛顿特区开会
I was in Washington D.C. for meetings,
然后就开始喝酒
and I started drinking.
我喝醉了
I got intoxicated,
进了同性恋酒吧
and I went into a gay bar.
有人走过来认出了我是谁
Someone came up to me and recognized who I was.
说真的 我当时到底在想什么？
I mean, really, what was I thinking?
有人打电♥话♥叫来了一位同性恋活动家 他在酒吧外面
There was a gay activist that was called. He was outside the bar.
我拿手挡住脸的时候 他拍了一张照片
And he took a photograph of me with my hand in front of my face
还有一张我在街上落荒而逃的照片
and me running down the street.
那天是周一早上
It was a Monday morning.
我走进我的办公室 我知道约翰在里面
And I got into my office, and I knew that John was there.
他是我的朋友
He was a friend of mine.
他来到我的办公室
So he comes into my office,
我想我们可以聊聊天、叙叙旧
and I thought we would just chat and catch up.
但他在发抖 他坐在我的椅子上 几乎不看我一眼
And he was shaking. He sat on my chair. He barely looked at me.
我知道这件事马上就会传出去 所以我撒了个谎
I knew this was gonna come out immediately, so I lied.
我说我不知道那是同性恋酒吧 我是去那里上厕所的
I said I didn't know it was a gay bar, and I had gone in there to use the bathroom.
任何有点脑子的人都觉得 “别装了 约翰”
Well, any person with half a brain realized, "Come on, John."
他知道事情比他告诉我们的 还要严重得多
He knew it was much bigger than what he was telling us.
我很替他感到难过
And I felt so bad for him
因为他靠在椅子上 端着咖啡
because he was leaning over in the chair with his cup of coffee,
他说了一句话 我永远忘不了
which I'll never forget, and saying,
“希望我没有给这场运动造成伤害”
"I hope I didn't hurt the movement."
他一直这么说： “希望我没有给这场运动造成伤害”
And that's what he kept saying, "I hope I didn't hurt the movement."
我当时…
I was so…
就想：“怎么会这样？”
like, "What in the world?"
不到五分钟 电♥话♥就开始响了
And not within five minutes, the phone started ringing off the wall.
每个人都觉得约翰很棒 他很了不起
Everybody just thought John was amazing, that he hung the moon.
他很成功、口才很好 他的见证都很棒
He was successful. He was eloquent. He had a great testimony.
就像所有杰出的、有魅力的领导者
And just like any prominent, charismatic leader,
打破了观众的完美想象一样
who doesn't live up to their audience's ideals,
他从同性恋酒吧逃跑被抓现行的时候
when he was busted running from the gay bar,
所有人都震惊了
it sent everybody into a shock.
前同性恋者
被基♥督♥教团体
罢免主席一职
团体把保克从职位上除名
前同性恋者教会主席下台
我妻子受够了
My wife had had enough.
她提交了法律离婚文件
She filed legal separation papers.
她跟我离婚了
She divorced me.
我这辈子从没有一天诚实过
I had never been honest a day in my life.
全是谎言 一次又一次…
It was lie, after lie, after lie, after lie.
约翰离开那场运动时 我印象深刻
When John left the movement, it was very memorable
因为他对整个运动的影响很大
because of his impact on the movement as a whole, um,
但出埃及的运转并没有受到阻碍
but as far as the functioning of Exodus, it continued unhindered.
2003年
是的 我是兰迪托马斯
Um, yes, my name is Randy Thomas.
2003年
2003年
我是出埃及的执行副♥主♥席♥
I'm the executive vice president for Exodus.
2003年
我是出埃及的执行副♥主♥席♥
I'm the executive vice president for Exodus.
我们在加拿大和美国 有近200家会员机构
We have almost 200 member agencies in Canada and the United States.
出埃及于2003年开始变得更政♥治♥化
Exodus started getting more politicalxa0in 2003.
我们开始前往华盛顿特区 参加宗教右翼领袖
We started traveling to D.C. to participate in meetings and events
和权力掮客的会议和活动
with religious-right leaders and power brokers.
卡尔·罗夫
乔治·布♥什♥的高级顾问
他们知道自己在人性化处理事情上 存在问题
They knew that they had a problem humanizing the issues.
卡尔·罗夫
乔治·布♥什♥的高级顾问
卡尔·罗夫
乔治·布♥什♥的高级顾问
纽特·金里奇
前众议院议长
我们去那里帮助他们解决那个问题
And we were there to help them fix that problem.
纽特·金里奇
前众议院议长
纽特·金里奇
前众议院议长
他们不能说：
They couldn't say,
“我们的观点 比性少数群体的观点更健康”
"Our views are healthier than gay-- LGBTQ views,"
但是他们可以
but they can.
在布♥什♥执政期间
There was a huge push
共和党控制的国会两院时
to do everything that we could while Bush was in office
有一股巨大的力量推动我们
and both houses of Congress were Republican-controlled
尽一切可能 甚至永远地 阻止性少数群体的
to stave off LGBTQ rights
正当权利
as much as possible, and maybe forever.
男女之间的婚姻是最理想的