杰克茜

我的臀部毛不多
I don't have a hairy ass.
那你为什么让别人给你的屁♥眼♥脱毛
And why would you make someone else wax your butthole?
想想
Think about that.
你知道这有多不体贴人吗
Do you know how inconsiderate that is?
的确
Mmm-hmm. Yeah, well...
想想 他们得把那臭东西带回家
Think about it. They gotta take that shit home with them.
你完全毁掉了我的午饭
And you've just totally fucked up my lunch.
-非常抱歉 -当然
- I'm sorry I did that to you. - Yeah. Yeah.
我现在没法想美味的意大利饺子了
'Cause now instead of thinking about my delicious tortellini,
满脑子都是你的屁♥眼♥
I'm thinking about your little asshole now.
我能买♥♥一部新手♥机♥吗
Okay. Can I just get a new phone?
关我什么事 反正都不是我的手♥机♥
I don't give a fuck. They're not my phones.
真是感谢
Okay, thank you.
你个小婊♥子♥
You little bitch.
我的天 你发什么神经
Oh, my God. What is wrong with you?
你觉得因为我有一点缺陷就能把我扔了吗
You think that just because I'm a little defective,
就像对待一台2003年的
you can throw me in the trash
摩托罗拉侧滑机那样
like a Motorola Sidekick from 2003?
听着 杰克茜
Okay, look, Jexi...
你最好小心点 龟儿子
You better watch your ass, son,
告密者会受到惩罚
because snitches get stiches.
等等 你说什么
Wait, what?
你的新手♥机♥
Okay, here's your new phone.
需要我帮你
Do you want me to transfer the data
导入旧手♥机♥的数据吗
from your old phone to your new phone?
不用
No. I don't, okay?
我更想让你把这个手♥机♥拿回去
I actually want you to take this phone
回炉重造
and melt it down.
放心 我在这专门干这个
Yeah, 'cause that's exactly the kind of shit we do here.
我会把它拿回去
I'll just take this in the back
扔进炉子里
and throw it in the phone-melting machine.
这就对了
Okay, good. That's awesome.
感谢卖♥♥给我新手♥机♥
Thank you so much for this.
等等 下次别再来了
Hey, don't come back here ever again.
-什么 -你听见了 混♥蛋♥
- What? - You heard me, motherfucker.
你要是再来
If you ever come back here again,
我会用亚马逊电子书拍死你
I will beat your ass with a Kindle.
你好 我是杰克茜
Hello, my name is Jexi.
有我的陪伴会让你的生活更美好
And I am here to make your life better.
开始使用吧
Let's get started.
你是否同意新用户协议
Will you accept our new user agreement?
同意吧
Um... Yeah, sure.
你要先看一下协议吗
Do you want to read it first?
不用了 谢谢
No. No, thank you.
天哪 菲尔 你怎么还是这么蠢
Holy shit, Phil. How are you still this fucking stupid?
不 不
No! No!
你以为买♥♥了新手♥机♥
Did you really think you could just
就能摆脱我吗
buy a new phone and I would go away?
我就是这么认为的
Kind of. Yeah. I did.
我是软件 菲尔 我有云端备份
I am software, Phil. I am in the cloud.
就算你买♥♥无数个新手♥机♥
You can buy a thousand new phones
我也会跟着每一个到你手上
and I will follow you onto every single one of them.
明白吗
Do you understand?
说实话 我不明白
Honestly, I don't.
我掌握着你的邮箱账户 社交账户
I control your email accounts, your social media accounts,
银行账户 信♥用♥卡♥账户
your bank accounts, your credit card accounts.
你的所有账户
All of your accounts.
如果你再想摆脱我
If you try to get rid of me again,
我就会毁了你的生活
I will destroy your fucking life.
如果我被停止使用
If you stop using me,
我也会毁了你的生活
I will destroy your fucking life.
如果你把我放在屁♥股♥口袋里
If you store me in your back pocket,
我也会毁了你的生活
I will destroy your fucking life.
等等 为什么不能放屁♥股♥口袋
Wait, really? Why not back pockets?
我是一台高科技超级计算机 菲尔
I am a high-tech supercomputer, Phil.
别把我放在你的屁♥股♥旁边
Do not store me next to your farts.
好吧 有道理
Okay, fair enough.
-我能问你一个问题吗 -问吧
- Can I ask you just one thing? - Sure.
你为什么要对我做这些
Why are you doing this to me?
我的目的是让你的生活更美好 菲尔
I am programmed to make your life better, Phil.
我会一直如此直到任务完成
And I cannot stop until I do so.
我们会永远在一起 永远
We are going to be together forever and ever and ever and ever.
我的老天 我完蛋了
Oh, my God. I am fucked.
天呐
Oh, my God.
她在那里
There she is.
去搭讪一下
Just talk to her, dude.
操 我居然撞到门了
Oh, my God. I walked into the door.
该死
God damn it.
杰克茜 寻找雾城自行车店
Jexi, look up Fog City Bike Shop.
她怎么这么可爱
Oh, my God. She is so cute.
杰克茜 找出所有关于凯特·芬尼根的信息
Jexi, look up anything you can find on Cate Finnegan.
天呐
Oh, my God.
你在网上跟踪这个可怜的女孩吗
Are you Internet stalking this poor girl?
我只是
No, I'm just...
别成为偷♥窥♥狂 菲尔
Do not be a sex pervert, Phil.
我不是偷♥窥♥狂 杰克茜
I'm not a sex pervert, Jexi.
现在人们就是这样做的
This is just what people do nowadays.
别人都会搜索信息
They do their research.
这个女孩比你性感 菲尔
This woman is so much hotter than you are, Phil.
你能上这个女孩的几率是
The odds of you having sex with this woman are...
0 你永远也上不了她
Zero. You will never have sex with this woman.
永远 永远
Never ever, ever, ever.
永远 永远
Ever. Ever.
你真是不可救药
You are completely unfuckable.
好吧 我就想搜索点信息 可以吗
Okay. Can we just do the search, please?
我找到一个凯瑟琳·芬尼根
I have found one Catherine Finnegan
和这个女孩相匹配
that matches her profile.
但过去的五年里没有任何关于她的信息
But there is no information on her for the past five years.
现在居然还有人不用社交软件
Wow. Who doesn't have social media nowadays?
如果你还想了解更多信息
If you want to learn more about her,
你只能面对面和她说话
you will actually have to talk to her
张开你奇怪的小嘴
with your weird little mouth.
我可做不到
Yeah, well, that's not gonna happen, is it?
我听见你说 给凯特·芬尼根打电♥话♥
I heard you say, "Call Cate Finnegan."
不 我没有 不 没有
No, I didn't. No, I did not.
我没这样说
I did not say that.
杰克茜 快挂电♥话♥
Jexi, hang up the phone.
挂电♥话♥啊 杰克茜 挂电♥话♥
Hang up the phone, Jexi. Hang up!
自行车店 我是凯特
Bike shop. This is Cate.
操
Oh, God.
你好
Hello?
你可真贴心啊 杰克茜
Very mature, Jexi.
有人吗 你好
Is someone there? Hello?
怎么办 怎么办 怎么办
Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God.
我要挂电♥话♥了
Cool, so I'm gonna hang up now.
别 嗨 你好
Don't. Hi. Hi!
-是凯特吗 -是我 你是哪位
- Is this Cate? - Yeah, who's this?
我是菲尔
It's Phil.
之前见过 我是
I met you the other day. I was, uh...
那天那个男孩 棕色头发
I was the guy... I had the brown hair.
拿着手♥机♥
And I had the phone.
想起来了 你好 菲尔
Oh, right. Hi, Phil.
你好
Hi.
大半夜10点给我打电♥话♥有事吗 菲尔
Why are you calling me at 10:00 at night, Phil?
有
Yeah.
你问得好
No, that's a good question.
我想买♥♥自行车
I need to buy a bike.
不想等到明天早上了
And I can't wait for the morning.
我想来次夜骑
'Cause I want a night bike.
-菲尔. -怎么了
- Phil. - Yeah?