杰克茜

我觉得我们应该多种点花
I think we should plant some flowers.
是吗
Oh, yeah?
你想种什么花呢
What kind of flowers are you thinking of?
我也不太清楚 栀子花吧
I don't know. Gardenias.
一些像这样的 适合在阳光下种的花
Something like that, that's good with the sun.
栀子花 那种略微发紫的
Gardenias? They're the purplish ones...
妈妈 我好无聊
Mom, I'm bored.
-带穗的那种花吗 -妈妈 我好无聊
- ...with the fringe? - Mom, I'm bored.
把手♥机♥给他 行吗
Just give him the phone, would you?
给他手♥机♥吗
Give him the phone?
对 给他手♥机♥他就闭嘴了
Yeah, I shut him up by giving him the phone.
太好了
Yes.
你从不在家 甚至没有回来过
You're never, ever even home.
我有去看家庭治疗师
I go to the family therapy sessions.
你还好意思说
How can you even say that?
你哪儿也没去过
You don't even go anywhere.
我去过家庭治
I go to the family...
天呐 我们在孩子面前争吵
God! We're fighting in front of Phil.
-明摆着的 -我们总是
- Obviously. - We're fighting
在孩子面前争吵
in front of the kid the whole time.
自己拿去玩
Knock yourself out.
你真的要让我
The whole time you allowed me
在他的面前吼你吗
to start yelling at you in front of him?
杰克茜
自动驾驶
汽车
那我该怎么做
What am I supposed to do?
嘿 大家
Hey, all.
文案部门的人在哪
Where's my list department?
举起手来 举起手来
Raise your hand. Raise your hand.
你们每天写出来的文章
Okay. You guys are supposed to write lists
都应该是要轰动互联网的
that break the Internet every day.
我们过气一天了 昨天到现在
We haven't gone viral since fucking yesterday.
昨天又不是很多天以前
Yesterday is not that many days ago.
别惹我 伙计
Don't fuck with me, bro.
我们叫话匣网 不叫空匣网
We're called Chatterbox, not Nobody-Clicks-On-Us Box.
那么 关于稿件
Okay, lists.
那个亚洲女孩 你能给我什么
Beautiful Asian girl, what do you got?
谢谢 我在
Thank you. Uh...
我在写《纸杯蛋糕过时的12个原因》
I am working on 12 reasons that cupcakes are over.
很好 我很喜欢
I likey. I likey like.
这就是行走的流量
That's clicky.
你 长着囚犯嘴唇的那个 你呢
You. Prison lips. What do you got?
叫我吗
That's me? Um...
我准备写一篇关于猫的文章
I was gonna write a list about cats
长得像瑞恩·高斯林的猫
that look like Ryan Gosling.
Ryan Gosling：《爱乐之城》男主角扮演者
靠 真棒 伙计 我他妈的超喜欢猫的
Fuck yeah, dude. I fucking love cats.
并且我喜欢关于猫的文章
And I love cat lists.
我想要的就是这种
That's what I'm talking about.
顺便问一下
By the way,
有长得像瑞恩·高斯林的猫吗
are there cats that look like Ryan Gosling?
要是你仔细看的话 它们都像他
If you look hard enough, they all do.
很好 你的呢
Love it. What do you got?
十个你可能会死掉的信♥号♥♥
Ten signs you might be dying.
你这个傻♥逼♥
You motherfucker.
你这是什么意思 伙计
What are you trying to do to me, bro?
听起来就让我感到难过
That makes me sad.
好了 你知道吗
All right, you know what?
在今天内 我要20篇能轰爆全网的文章
I need 20 viral lists by the end of the day.
如果没有 你就被炒了 清楚吗
If not, you're fired. Okay?
什么鬼
What?
就像伟大的希亚·拉博夫说的 就是干
Like the great Shia La Beouf says, "Do it."
Shia La Beouf：《变形金刚》男主角
-行 -可以
- Yes. - Yeah.
来一段
Play me out.
来一段
Play me out.
大声点
And louder.
黑哥 来个低音
Black dude, bass.
一 二 一二三四
One, two, one, two, three, four.
结束
Done.
不客气
You're welcome.
一天内写20篇文章 我是做不到了
Twenty lists by the end of the day? I can't do that.
嘿 我有大概10篇多余的文章
Hey, I have, like, 10 extra lists if you want 'em.
真的吗
Are you serious?
对 这不是什么大问题 我马上发给你
Yeah. No, it's no problem. I'll send 'em right now.
你真好 你叫什么名字
That's nice of you. What's your name?
我叫菲尔
I'm Phil.
只是 你懂的 我坐在你旁边
It's just, you know, I've sat next to you
大概三年吧
for, like, three years. So, it's...
菲尔 你是我的救命恩人 兄弟
Phil, you are my hero, man.
我现在不能丢掉这份工作
I can't lose this job right now.
我现在大学贷款缠身
I am buried in college debt.
这样啊 我也是
Oh, me, too.
你在哪里上的大学
Where did you go to school?
加州大学戴维斯分校
UC Davis.
UC Davis：全美最顶尖公立大学之一
-真的吗 -真的
- For real? - Yeah.
专业是新闻学
Majored in journalism,
现在我却在网上写关于猫的文章
and now I write lists about cats on the Internet.
这真的很操蛋
Oh, that's super sad.
-嗯 -你怎么沦落到了这里
- Hmm. - How'd you end up here?
我想成为那里的一员
I wanted to be one of those guys.
-那种写时事的人吗 -对
- The real news guys? - Yeah.
我一生都想成为新闻记者
I wanted to be a journalist basically my whole life.
但是凯把我安排到了文案部
But Kai put me in lists
所以我只得写推送
so I write the lists.
好吧 虽然你不能成为新闻记者
Okay, okay, so you can't be a real journalist.
但是你知道你可以做什么
But you know what can do?
比如今天和我们一起玩踢球
You could play kickball with us today.
kickball：按棒球规则进行的足球戏
我有几个朋友
A bunch of us ding-dongs
都在这傻屌♥踢球联盟里
are in this really stupid kickball league,
如果你想下班后和我们一起玩
if you want to play after work.
其实 我不是很喜欢玩这样的游戏 所以
You know, I don't really do stuff like that, so...
而且 踢完之后
Plus, after the game,
-我们都会把自己弄的很邋遢 -对的
- we all get shitfaced. - Mmm-hmm.
好吧 让我看一下我的日程表
Yeah, let me check my calendar.
暂无日程
我看看
So, yeah...
兄弟 抱歉 我得 我有点
Oh, man. No, I do. I have...
我下班后有点事 所以
I have a thing, so...
没事儿 没关系的
Don't even worry about it. It's cool.
你自己玩得开心就好
You just have fun at your thing today.
会的 因为确实很好玩
I will, 'cause it's gonna be pretty great.
苹果语♥音♥助手 打开给我送晚餐这个网址
Siri, open BringMeMyDinner.Com.
苹果语♥音♥助手 打开网飞
Siri, open Netflix.
苹果语♥音♥助手 打开脸书
Siri, open Facebook.
自从今天午饭后我就没发过朋友圈了
I haven't posted anything since lunchtime.
行吧 就给他们看看他们想看的
All right, let's give them what they want.
发之前必须得好好处理一下
I'm gonna have to go to work on this one.
加个滤镜
Add filter.
颜色很棒
Color correct.
加上一个大大的月亮 这是必须的
You know I'm gonna have to add a giant moon.
完美
There we go.
发送
Send.
哇 非常感谢这座超赞的城市
Wow. I'm so grateful for my amazing city,
以及我超棒的工作和超棒的朋友们
my amazing job, and all my amazing friends.
哦 我的天
Oh, my God.
谢天谢地 谢天谢地 手♥机♥你没事
Oh, thank God. Oh, thank God, you're okay.
还好 我也没事 谢了
Yeah, I'm okay, too. Thanks.
我靠
Oh, shit.
是啊 我很抱歉 你还好吧
Yeah... Oh, I'm sorry. You're okay?
我没事
Yeah, I'm fine.