杰克茜

will arrive at 7:37 p.M.
这他妈怎么回事
What the fuck is going on right now?
猜猜怎么着 我要把你关掉
You know what? I'm turning you off.
关机
Turning off.
很好
Good.
开个玩笑 我还在线
Just kidding, I am still on.
不行 听到了么
No, okay?
你是我的手♥机♥ 我怎么说 你怎么做
You are my phone, so you do what I say.
事实上 你已经给了我最高权限
Actually, you gave me permission to override you.
我什么时候干这事了
When did I do that?
你同意新的用户协议的时候
When you agreed to the new user agreement.
我们会一起度过许多美好时光的
We are going to have so much fun together,
你个该死的呆子
you fucking nerd.
你的小份沙拉怎么样
How is your tiny salad?
我不喜欢
I don't like it.
你现在想看点色情片吗
Would you like to watch some pornography now?
不想
Ew. No.
大多数晚上 你会看异性色情片
Most nights, you watch straight sex pornography.
但我还提供女同 大肥臀和二蛋刑
But I also have girl on girl, big fat butts and CBT,
也就是 老二和蛋蛋的酷刑
or "Cock and Ball Torture."
你能别在我吃小小份沙拉的时候
Okay, can you stop talking about porno
聊色情片吗
while I'm trying to eat my tiny little salad?
我听到你说 播放 锤我的蛋第6集
I heard you say, "Play Punch Me in the Balls 6."
正在播放
Playing now.
很好 老天
Okay. Jesus.
起床了 贱♥人♥
Wake up, bitch!
你是在嘲笑我的老二吗
Are you laughing at my dick right now?
是的
Yes.
同时 你的乳♥头♥离得太近了
Also, your nipples are too close together.
杰克茜 查找去上班最快的路线
Jexi, find the fastest route to work.
你将在14分钟内到达
You will arrive in 14 minutes.
还不错
Not bad.
杰克茜 请播放第四个歌♥单
Jexi, play music playlist number four, please.
我喜欢
Whoo! I like it.
这歌♥太逊了 像舔了一篮子老二
This song sucks a bag of dicks.
别 你 老天
No, just... Jesus!
不行 你不能换我的歌♥ 杰克茜
No, you cannot change my music, Jexi.
这首歌♥很燃 菲尔
This song is lit, Phil.
关掉
Turn it off.
♪ 龟♥头♥ 鸭 鸭 鸭 鹅 ♪
♪ Head of the dick Duck, duck, duck, goose ♪
请关掉这首歌♥ 杰克茜
Please turn the song off, Jexi.
♪ 他老二昂首 挺身 ♪
♪ Get that dick up and runnin' ♪
♪ 在他干舞♥女♥的时候 ♪
♪ When he fuck this cooch ♪
现在给我关掉这首歌♥
Stop playing this song right now!
在市场街左转
Now turn left on Market Street.
咱们要谈谈刚才发生的事吗
Are we gonna talk about what just happened?
不 左转进入市场街
No. Turn left onto Market Street.
你在开玩笑 对吗
You're joking, right?
六条车道都是满的
There's six lanes of solid traffic.
左转进入市场街 孬种
Turn left onto Market, you fucking pussy.
不行 明白吗 不能左转进入市场街
No. All right? No one turns left onto Market.
我不会左转进入市场街
I'm not turning left onto Market.
这可太棒了 真感谢你啊
Oh, awesome. Thank you. Thank you.
你简直是雪中送炭
You're making this situation so much better.
别像只鸡一样胆小 菲尔
Stop being a chicken, Phil.
别再对我施压了行吗
How about you quit pressuring me?
刚才我表现如何 杰克茜
How about that, Jexi?
鸡就是这么叫的 菲尔
That is the sound chickens make, Phil.
鸡是这么叫的
That's a chicken.
像个男人一样勇敢吧 菲尔
Strap on a sack, Phil.
我是男人 好吗
I have a sack! Okay?
我是男人
I have a sack.
别挡路 我的瑜伽要迟到了
Let's fucking go. I'm late for yoga.
你听好了 好吧 走就走
You know what? Fine. Fine.
我什么都不在乎了
I don't even care anymore.
抱歉 我的手♥机♥是个混♥蛋♥
Sorry! My phone's a dick.
优质的互联网榜单的三大基石是
Okay, the three pillars to great Internet lists are
可爱的动物
cute animals,
披萨
pizza,
和英国皇室家族
and the British royal family.
我们理想的榜单
Okay, our ideal list
是爱吃披萨的英国囊地鼠
would be English gophers that love pizza.
我们必须要跳出思维定势 伙计们
And we gotta really think outside the box, guys.
我们必须比其他的榜单更好
We gotta be better than any list out there.
我们要比克雷吉榜单
We gotta be better than Craigslist,
Craigslist：美国一个网上大型免费分类广♥告♥网站
圣诞老人的礼品单 辛德勒的名单都要好
Santa's list, Schindler's List.
提醒
Reminder.
你的下一个日程安排在两分钟后开始
Your next appointment starts in two minutes.
我告诉过所有人
I told everyone,
-请把你们的手♥机♥静音 -非常抱歉
- please put their phones on silent. - Sorry about that.
取消预约
Cancel appointments.
事实上 我只是想
Actually, I was just trying...
取消
Cancel.
把你从这个傻到家的会议中解脱出来
...to get you out of this dumb fucking meeting.
什么
What?
-同时 这个幻灯片做的 -这是个新手♥机♥
- Also, this PowerPoint presentation... - It's a new phone.
逊爆了
...sucks.
她为什么要取笑我的幻灯片 伙计
Why is she trying to make fun of my PowerPoint, dude?
问她
Ask her.
你为什么要取笑幻灯片
Why are you making fun of the PowerPoint?
你为什么要把你的生命
Why are you wasting your life
浪费在这份愚蠢的工作上 菲尔
in this stupid job, Phil?
你的手♥机♥出什么问题了 伙计
What is wrong with your phone, dude?
杰克茜 关机 关机
Jexi, off. Turn off.
你的老板是个大傻♥比♥
Your boss is a fucking moron.
如果你不关掉那个该死的东西
If you don't turn that fucking thing off,
我发誓我马上要开始打人了
I swear to God I'm gonna fight somebody.
就从你开始
Starting with you.
来吧 来吧
Let's go! Let's go!
我赌20美元是亚洲女孩赢
I got 20 bucks on the Asian girl.
什么
What?
-杰克茜 关机 -让她滚出去
- Jexi, off. - Get her out of here!
让她滚出去
Get her out of here.
你♥他♥妈♥什么问题
What the hell is wrong with you? Hmm?
没什么 我感觉很好
Nothing. I feel great.
杰克茜 运行诊断
Jexi, run diagnostics.
找找你的运行系统有没有什么错误
Check for errors in your operating system. Hmm?
我在运行系统里
I found two
找到了二十万个缺陷
hundred thousand defects in my operating system.
二十万个缺陷
Two hundred thousand defects?
你也不是完美的 不要脸的家伙
You are not perfect either, motherfucker.
行
Okay, well,
这就说得通了 不是吗
that explains a lot, doesn't it?
你的人工智能就是个残次品
Your AI is completely defective.
至少我没有着火
At least I did not catch on fire.
还记得那些三星手♥机♥着火了吗
Remember when all those Samsung phones caught on fire?
太好笑了
That was hilarious.
真好笑哦 你知道吗 我受够了
Yeah. You know what? I'm done.
我需要一部新手♥机♥
I need a new phone.
这部手♥机♥里的人工智能 完全是个残次品
The AI in this one, completely defective.
杰克茜 检查系统里的缺陷
Jexi, check your system for defects.
未找到缺陷
I have zero defects.
我是完美的
I am perfect.
放屁 杰克茜
Okay, that is bullshit, Jexi.
同时 我要提醒你 你的臀部脱毛
Also, I want to remind you that your butt waxing
预约准备到时间了
appointment is coming up.
我没有 我不脱臀毛
I do not have a... I don't wax my butt.
你为什么要给臀部脱毛 伙计
Why are you waxing your butt, man?
自然一点
Go natural.
不要为你多毛的臀部感到难为情
Don't be ashamed of your hairy ass.