喜剧中心贾斯汀·比伯吐槽大会（2015）

Justin got a tattoo of Jesus on his calf.
丁日腿上纹了耶稣
Why you gotta bring Jesus in your mess?
你为什么要把耶稣扯进来呢
That man has suffered enough.
他遭的罪够多的了
Seriously, Justin, I love ya,
说真的小丁 我爱你
you're a platinum recording artist.
你的唱片达到了100万张销♥售♥量
Give it up.
请鼓掌
You're a model. Give it up.
你是个模特 请鼓掌
You're a sex symbol.
你是性感的代言
Give it up.
请鼓掌
I just wanna say, Justin Timberlake,
我只想说 贾斯汀·汀布莱克
I fucking love you. Thank you.
我特么的爱死你了 谢谢
Shaq's hilarious.
沙奎尔太搞笑了
# I'm gonna have Shaq's baby #
#我要给沙奎尔生孩子#
Still to come on the roast of Justin Bieber,
丁日吐槽大会接下来登场的是
Martha Stewart...
玛莎·斯图尔特
Actually, this is sort of like doing a roast turkey.
其实 这就像烤火鸡一样
And Chris D'Elia.
克里斯·德里亚
Actually, I'm up next, so if you're gonna
我马上就登场了
change the channel, hurry up and do it.
要换台的赶紧了
When The Roast of Justin Bieber continues.
欢迎回来 喜剧中心丁日吐槽大会
Our next roaster is Chris D'Elia.
下一位吐槽嘉宾是克里斯·德里亚
Holy shit, yeah.
噢 我靠
I know everybody's excited about this.
我知道大家都很激动
If you didn't know, he's a star of the NBC show Undateable,
如果你不知道他的话 他是NBC剧《约会杀手》的主演
and Chris's standup is actually unwatchable.
克里斯的相声表演简直不忍♥直视
I've seen it. It hurts.
我看过 那演得太残忍♥了
He is Justin Bieber's favorite comic,
他是丁日最喜欢的喜剧演员
which is why he has "Duh" In the middle of his name.
这就是他中间名字有个"咄"的原因
Please welcome future rapist Chris "Duh" Elia.
请欢迎未来强♥奸♥犯克里斯·咄·德力亚
Yeah.
是啊
No, seriously, keep it going for the ghost of Chris Tucker,
请大家继续为克里斯·塔克的鬼魂
everybody.
鼓掌
No, Kevin's a good guy, and of course he's here,
不 凯文是个好人 他还在这主持
because he can't say no to anything.
是因为他不会拒绝任何事
Last week he hosted an ISIS beheading video on Reddit.
上周他在红迪网主持了ISIS砍头视频
What? What the fuck, man?
什么 我靠
What the fuck?
说些什么鬼呢
Hey, Shaq. Shaq's here.
嘿 沙奎尔 他在这儿
People don't realize this, but Shaq,
人们没意识到 但是沙奎尔
those "I can't breathe" T-shirts,
那些写着T恤衫上写着的“我无法呼吸”
they were about Shaq's last season with the Celtics.
说的是沙奎尔上次和凯尔特人打的比赛情况
Jeff Ross, hey.
嘿 杰夫·罗斯
How about the fact that if there weren't roasts,
倘若吐槽大会空档
Jeff Ross would work at IKEA?
杰夫·罗斯就会去宜家上班吧
We all do other things, which is why we're on the roasts.
我们都有其他的工作 这就是我们来吐槽大会的原因
You're on the roasts because you're on the fucking roasts.
你来吐槽大会因为你只对吐槽在行
Fuck yeah!
我靠
Ludacris, what do you do now anyway, okay?
卢达克里斯 你现在在干什么
You were a rapper. You make headphones
你身为说唱艺人 却跑去做
that no one listens with.
没人买♥♥的耳机
You make Hennessy that no one drinks.
卖♥♥没人喝的轩尼诗
You're like a human going out of business sale.
你就像破产了搞清♥仓♥甩卖♥♥一样
Snoop Dogg, what's up? It's cool you're here.
史努比狗狗 还好吗 很高兴你在场
You look like dead Splinter from Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles.
你看起来就像忍♥者神龟里的斯普林特
Pete, it's really good to see you.
皮特 很高兴见到你
50 Shades of Grey was based on your complexion.
五十度灰说的就是你的肤色
Pete--
皮特
Pete is the same race as whatever the fuck The Rock is
皮特跟巨石强森和停车场管♥理♥员♥
and any parking attendant ever.
一个种族
Justin Bieber, the man here, huh?
贾斯汀·比伯 这位小伙子
Let's hear it.
让我们来听听他的事
Why are you here? This is a terrible idea.
你为什么会来这儿呢 来这儿下场很惨的
You're about to get fucked harder than Orlando Bloom
你会比奥兰多·布鲁姆干赛琳娜·戈麦斯
fucked Selena Gomez.
还惨
Oh!
噢
For a guy worth $200 million,
对于一个身价两亿美元的人
why do you dress like Sharon Stone in the '90s?
你为什么穿得像90年代的莎朗·斯通呢
You look like Sisqo fucked Peter Pan
你看起来像西斯科日了皮特潘
and then got cast on Orange is the New Black.
然后去演了《女子监狱》一样
Baby is the most hated video online, like, statistically
据统计 《宝贝》是网上最令人讨厌的音乐视频
if you check that shit out, okay,
你可以去查证 好吗
and there are also ISIS videos online, okay?
网上还有ISIS视频 是吧
That means that someone saw a video with a guy screaming,
这意味着有人看了视频里男子
"Death to America" And sawing someone's head off and thought,
割下某人的头还叫嚣着美国去死之后说
"Nope, still not worse than Bieber featuring Luda
“这还不够烂 这甚至比不上丁日和卢达克里斯
in a bowling alley."
在保龄球馆那段视频”
Thank you.
谢谢
Thank you, guy half my age.
谢谢这位只有我一半大的人
Seriously, man, I'm proud of you.
说真的 伙计 我为你感到骄傲
You have it all.
你拥有一切
You literally are a guy who has it all,
除了尊重 爱情 朋友
except for respect, love, friends,
好父母和格莱美奖杯外
good parents, and a Grammy.
你真的什么都不差了
Thank you.
谢谢
Chris D'Elia.
克里斯·德里亚
Goddamn it, Chris, that was dark.
我靠 克里斯 你太黑我了
That was fucking dark.
你段子太黑了
There was a couple times where I grabbed my shirt
有几次我抓着我的衬衫
like, "Jesus Christ, Chris."
说“天啊 克里斯”
But we're here. It's good though.
但我们都没生气 这很好
Justin said you were fine. That's all that counts, right?
丁日都说没事 那就没事了 对吧
How am I supposed to laugh after ISIS?
你说完ISIS 我怎么笑啊
What the fuck?
我靠啊
Our next roaster is Martha Stewart.
有请下一位吐槽嘉宾玛莎·斯图尔特
Martha.
玛莎
Yeah. Yeah, yeah.
耶耶耶
At the age of 73, she's the only white woman
73岁了 她是比卢达和史努比
with more street cred than Luda and Snoop combined.
名声还响的唯一一位白人女性
True story.
千真万确
Please welcome five-years-to-life-style guru,
欢迎兢兢业业的导师
Martha Stewart, everybody.
玛莎·斯图尔特
First of all, thank you, Kevin Hart.
首先 谢谢你 凯文·哈特
It's really great to be here.
很高兴来到吐槽大会
Oh, there you are.
噢 原来你在那儿啊
Sitting and listening to you yell your jokes
坐那儿听你讲了一个小时笑话
over the last hour is the hardest time I've ever done.
比我坐牢还难熬
As we all know, Kevin is one of the biggest movie stars
众所周知 凯文是目前业内
in the business right now, and he deserves it.
最大牌电影明星之一 这是他应得的
He struggled for years.
他为此奋斗了多年
When he finally got his first big paycheck,
当他最终拿到第一张巨额支票时
he spent $150,000 on a watch.
他花了十五万美元买♥♥了块手表
I forget that term for that.
那昵称我忘了怎么说
It's not "African-American rich."
反正不是"非裔美国土豪"
It'll come to me.
我会想起来的
Justin, you know the word.
丁日 你知道那个词的
I know you're all wondering why I'm here tonight.
我知道你们在想今晚我为何在出现在这儿
It's because Martha Stewart changes people's lives
因为玛莎·斯图尔特使人们的生活过得更好
for the better, like Shaq for instance.
比如沙奎尔
When Shaq bought his house-- Shaq, are you listening?
当时沙奎尔买♥♥了房♥子 沙奎尔 你在听我讲话吗
I was the first person he called.
他首先给我打了电♥话♥
The house had 13 bedrooms, and I helped convert 8 of them
那房♥子有十三间卧室 我帮忙把其中八个
into refrigerators.
改造成了冰箱
I believe the bedroom is the most important room
我认为卧室是房♥子里最重要的部分
in the house, but I don't have to tell you that, Ludacris.
但我不用告诉你 卢达克里斯
You have three kids with three different women.
你跟三个不同的女人生了三个孩子吧
May I suggest pulling out sometime, and finishing
我提议嘿♥咻♥完拔♥出♥来♥时
on some fine, highly absorbent Martha Stewart bed linens?
试着用用我玛莎·斯图尔特牌的高吸收优质床单吧
It's nice to see Snoop again.
很高兴再次见到史努比
One of the highest rated episodes on my show,
我主持的节目《玛莎·斯图尔特的生活》中最高收视率那一集
Martha Stewart Living, was when Snoop and I
就是史努比跟我