喜剧中心贾斯汀·比伯吐槽大会（2015）

# All around the world
#世界各地的人们#
This is The Comedy Central Roast of Justin Bieber.
这里是喜剧中心丁日吐槽座谈会
# All around the world people want to be loved #
#世界各地的人都缺爱#
With your roastmaster, Kevin Hart,
我是不吐槽不舒服星人 凯文·哈特
and starring Shaquille O'Neal,
还有我的老乡们 大鲨鱼奥尼尔
# All around the world people want to be loved #
#全世界的人都缺爱#
# All around the world they're no different than us #
#世界各地的人 和我们没什么不同#
The Comedy Central Roast of Justin Bieber.
喜剧中心丁日吐槽座谈会现在开始
And now, please welcome your roastmaster, Kevin Hart.
现在让我们欢迎 不吐槽不舒服斯基 凯文·哈特
All right, hey. Y'all better clap.
好吧 哟 掌声在哪里
Good evening, ladies and gentlemen,
晚上好 女士们先生们
my name is Kevin Hart, and welcome
我是凯文·哈特
to The Comedy Central Roast of Justin Bieber.
欢迎参加丁日吐槽座谈会
Here's the thing,
事实是
Justin Bieber has tens of millions of fans.
丁日有上千万的脑残粉
I mean, most of them are either in middle schools
大多数不是还待在学校的脑残学生党
or standing at least 500 feet away from one.
就是被禁止靠近学校的猥琐大叔团
I mean...
不要笑
It's the truth. I'm not saying anything that's not the truth.
这是很严肃的事实 我不是在忽悠你
He's a worldwide superstar.
他是一个世界级的巨星
There's even a wax figure of Justin
在伦敦的杜莎夫人蜡像馆
at Madame Tussauds in London.
还有一个丁日的蜡像呢
It's incredibly lifelike. I've seen it.
真的很逼真 我见过的
He's face down in a wax Usher's lap.
他大脸朝下倒在亚瑟小子蜡像的胯下
It's--it's weird.
这 这真的很奇怪
That's a dick sucking joke. We off to a start.
这就是个吹♥箫♥梗 就是这么开场的
Yeah.
嗯
It's gonna get dirty tonight.
淫♥荡♥的夜晚开始了
Tonight--Here's the thing. Tonight we're gonna do
今晚 请竖起耳朵
what his parents and the legal system
我们要做一件
should have done a long time ago.
他父母和法律系统早该做的事
We're about to give this boy a ass-whupping that he deserves.
我们要海扁这熊孩子的屁♥股♥
We are. We are!
是的 你没有听错
Why invite me if you don't want it to get ugly?
如果你不想被黑得难堪 那为什么要请我来呢
I don't understand that.
我搞不懂
I mean, come on, we got the right dais to do it.
但是 机会难得 错过今天再等一年
We got Ludacris. We got my man Snoop Dogg, Shaq.
我们有卢达·克里斯 史努比狗狗 大鲨鱼
This is crazy.
真是棒呆了
Usually, when I see this many brothers sitting together,
通常情况下 看见这么多黑人兄弟坐在一起
Maury Povich is about to open an envelope.
我以为是莫瑞·波维奇要宣布亲子鉴定结果呢
I've never seen anything like it.
这个节目从没有如此的声势
Shaq, take that dumbass look off your face.
大鲨鱼 别像个傻愣愣的
You look stupid.
你看上去很二
Here's my question. Shaq, how did you even
我想问问你 大鲨鱼
end up on a roast? That's what I want to know.
你到底怎么就上了这个节目了
They must've called up the NBA pregame show
他们一定打给了NBA赛前秀
and said, "You know what? Send us the third funniest guy.
说 内个 来一个第三搞笑的吧
"Wait, he's not available?
什么 他没空
Send us Shaq. Let us get Shaq then."
那来大鲨鱼好了 让他上
My man Snoop Dogg is here. There he is.
我的好基友史努比狗狗也在这儿
Yeah.
耶
Wait, wait, let me clear something up
呃 嗯 我来澄清一下
for all the young people here tonight.
今晚在这儿的年轻人都听好了
Snoop Dogg is a rapper.
史努比狗狗是个说唱歌♥手
Yeah, that's my aunt's favorite rapper.
是的 他是我阿姨最喜欢的说唱歌♥手
You know--
你们知道么
For all the black people that are confused
所有的黑人盆友都搞不清
about that old white woman on the couch,
坐在沙发上的那个白人小老太是谁
that's Martha Stewart. Yeah, right there.
那是玛莎·斯图尔特
That's Martha Stewart right there.
那儿坐着的是玛莎·斯图尔特
Martha, do me a favor and put your ankle bracelet on vibrate
玛莎 帮我个忙 能把你的电子脚环调成振动的吗
so we don't have no problems during the show.
这样我们的节目就不会被打扰了
But, Martha, understand something.
但是玛莎 记住
Tonight, it's about another blond bitch.
今晚我们要吐槽的 是另一个金发小婊砸
It's about Justin Bieber.
叫丁日的那个
That's who we're talking about tonight.
我们今晚要吐槽的是他
That's who we're talking about tonight.
对 就是他 那个小婊砸
So now, why don't we do this.
那为什么我们
Why don't we go and take a look at his huge success
不先看看他的辉煌成就呢
that confuses everyone over the age 14.
那些闪瞎14岁以上人狗眼的成就
Roll security footage right now.
我们来看看各种丁日视频
Our next guest has a mind-boggling 80 million views
我们的嘉宾在油管上有着八千万关注者
on YouTube, and he's only 15 years old.
而且他只有15岁
# And I was like, baby, baby, baby, oh #
#我就像 宝贝 宝贝 宝贝哦#
# Like, I thought you'd always be mine #
#我原以为你永远都属于我#
# I'm gone
#我放手了#
That's how you do it.
哥就是这么拽
# Find me somebody to love
#给我找个炮♥友♥#
Justin Bieber is one of the biggest
丁日是这个星球上的
pop stars on the planet.
炒鸡巨星之一
Now I'd like you to welcome my brother to the stage.
现在 有请我的好基友
He goes by the name of Justin Bieber.
丁日上台
Justin Bieber. Justin Bieber.
丁日 丁日
I love you so much.
我好爱你们
Speeding down the 101 freeway,
在101公路上飙车的巨星
pop star Justin Bieber was stopped by police.
丁日小天王被警方拦下
The Boyfriend singer had just returned home
在一场海外演唱会之后
from an overseas concert tour when he began racing his Ferrari
刚回到家的丁日小天王开着他的法拉利
through the streets.
在街上乱窜
# If I was your boyfriend I'd never let you go #
#如果我是你的男友 我绝对不会让你离开我#
I think about him 99% of my life.
我的生活中99%都是他
I saw him in the car.
我在他的车里看见了他啊啊啊啊
That was the most amazing moment of my life.
那是我人生中最美妙的时候
Best moment of my life!
我的人生圆♥满♥了
Justin Bieber said that he hoped Anne Frank
丁日说 他希望安·弗兰克
would have been a Belieber.
是他的脑残粉
That's right, I didn't make that up.
这是真的 我没有唬你
I couldn't have made that up.
这话我可编不出来
# If I was your boyfriend
#如果我是你的男友#
Ow.
喔
Bieber could face battery charges
在和一位摄影师发生肢体冲突之后
after a physical altercation with a photographer.
丁日小天王将面对殴打他人的指控
What the you say?
你♥他♥妈♥瞎逼逼什么呢
You watch it, man.
你给我小心点
What'd you say? You are.
你♥他♥妈♥瞎嚼什么呢 你个傻♥逼♥
I'll beat the out of you.
爷分分钟打屎你
He was accused of throwing eggs at this mansion,
他被指控向这处豪♥宅♥投掷鸡蛋
causing $20,000 in damage.
造成了两万美元的损失
Were they Faberge eggs? What did you throw?
他扔的难道是法贝热彩蛋吗
Whoo!
喔
Bieber is facing multiple charges
在迈阿密海滩上的疯狂一夜之后
after a wild night in Miami Beach.
小天王面临着多项指控
DUI alcohol or drugs, resisting without violence,
酒驾 毒驾 非暴♥力♥拒捕
driving with an expired driver's license.
驾照过期仍然驾驶
You're too young to be smoking pot
你这么小就成了老烟枪
and driving up and down the highway fast!
还在高速公路上飙车
What are you doing?
你在干什么
Ah! What are you doing?
啊 你在干什么
Whoo!
喔 爽
I've done some things that might not have been the greatest.
我可能做了一些不太光彩的事
Really? Nothing comes to mind. I know, right?
真的吗 我一点都想不起来 噢 你驴我吧
I don't know what you're talking about.
我不造你在讲什么
Justin Bieber has become the new face--
丁日已经成了CK的脸面
or should we say body-- of Calvin Klein.
或者说是 露肉招牌
Yo, my pee-pee's in there.
嘿 哥的丁丁就在里面
# As long as you love
#只要你爱我#
The fanfare of what he is as a celebrity
他作为一个名人所受到的吹捧
is only partial to what he ultimately will be as an artist.
不过是他最终的艺术造诣的一部分辉煌而已
This is not the end of Justin Bieber.
这不是我丁日的终结
# As long as you love me
#只要你爱我#