喜剧中心贾斯汀·比伯吐槽大会（2015）

Chris--I don't know if you know this about Chris.
克里斯 我不知道你们是否了解克里斯
He doesn't smoke weed.
他不抽大♥麻♥
He doesn't drink. He's never done any drugs.
也不喝酒和吸毒
His only vice is performing horrible standup comedy
他唯一的缺点就是在全国表演
all around the country.
他那撇脚的单口相声
Speaking of horrible comics, Jeff Ross is here.
说到撇脚的喜剧 杰夫·罗斯在这儿
Jeff Ross. Jeff, you look horrible.
杰夫·罗斯 杰夫 你看起来很糟
Jeff looks like a combination of every "Before" Picture ever.
杰夫看起来像是所有老照片拼在一起的组合
Jeff only does roasts.
杰夫只做吐槽节目
Congratulations on being the only person on this stage
恭喜你成为台上唯一一个
that's making 95% of your yearly income today.
在今天就赚了95%全年收入的人
It's good to see Comedy Central diversifying its talent
很高兴能看到喜剧中心让这个叫什么皮特·戴维森的人来出演
with whatever race Pete Davidson is.
借此彰显本节目的多样化
You just look real-- You're just real vague, man.
你看起来真的 真的太平凡了 伙计
You have a weird, vague-ass face, and I don't like it.
你长了一张又奇怪 又平凡的脸 我真看不惯
I don't like your face at all, man.
我越看你的脸越不爽
You seem like a nice person, but when I talk to you,
你看起来是个不错的小伙子 但是每当我和你侃
I don't have fun.
我都能被你无聊死
Pete. Pete has got a lot going on.
皮特 你要走的路还很远
Pete, I don't know how you can juggle SNL, standup,
皮特 我真不知道你是怎么在同一时间既混进《周六夜现场》《单口相声》
and Lorne Michaels' balls in your mouth
又把洛恩·迈克尔斯的两个蛋
all at the same time.
都含进嘴里的
An amazing multi-tasker Pete Davidson is.
神奇的多次元生物皮特·戴维森
Natasha Leggero is here which means that right now
娜塔莎·赖格罗在这儿就说明了
there's a bachelor party discovering
某处的某个单身派对的
that their cake is empty.
蛋糕被偷吃完了
I'm not saying that Natasha's a whore,
我并不是说娜塔莎是个婊砸
but I'm saying that Shaq can fit both feet in her pussy.
我的意思是她的屄♥♥里能装下大鲨鱼的两只脚（NBA最大的脚）
And now the man of the hour.
现在来说说今晚的主角
Justin Bieber, you dainty wigger, you.
丁日 你这个娇小的白鬼 说的就是你
Justin Bieber. They say that you roast
人们总说你越喜欢一个人
the ones you love, but I don't like you at all, man.
你就越爱喷他 但我就是不喜欢你
I'm just here 'cause this is a real good opportunity for me.
我来这儿只是因为这对我来说是个大好的机会
Justin, oh, you gotta give it up for Justin.
噢 不佩服丁日不行啊
He started from the bottom, and he's still a bottom.
他白手起家，如今还是个白受
I don't like your music, man. I'm not a big fan of it.
我不喜欢你的歌♥ 我也不是你的粉
I listened to some of it. I'm not a fan.
我只听过几首歌♥ 所以算不上是粉
I don't like your music.
我真的一点都不喜欢你的歌♥
I think it's bad. I think it's bad, man.
你的歌♥真烂 烂毙了
I don't like it.
我真的不喜欢
I hate your music, man.
应该说我讨厌死你的歌♥了
I hate your music more than Bill Cosby hates my comedy.
比尔·科斯比有多讨厌我的喜剧 我就多讨厌你的歌♥
Yo, Justin, man.
哟 丁日君
Well, this has been cool,
真好玩
and despite all those foul things I said,
尽管刚才我口吐脏言
you seem like a sharp businessman,
你仍然看起来像是个精明的生意人
and, uh...
还有就是
this is real cool that you did this
原来你这么酷
and let all these strangers shit on you
酷到愿意让这么多陌生人
in front of all these people,
在这么多观众面前喷你
and I actually like that song Confident.
说实话 我挺喜欢你的《自信》
That's a good song. I like that song.
这首歌♥还不错 我喜欢
So thanks for letting me do it, and congratulations, man.
谢谢你让我喷你这么久 祝你今晚被喷得愉快
All right, later, y'all.
我就说这么多吧 各位
Hannibal just killed me.
汉尼拔快让我笑死了
Up next,...
接下来更精彩
Ahh! Catch me, Kevin!
啊 接住我啊 凯文
Justin Bieber gets revenge...
丁日的复仇之战
Let's do this.
好戏要上演了
Everybody in here? I'm not in it.
所有人都照到了吗 没照到我
All right.
好了
Ladies and gentlemen,
女士们先生们
I would give an introduction, but I don't need to.
接下来登场的这位无须我介绍
Ron Burgundy.
有请 王牌播音员
Listen, people. Listen, listen.
请大家安静一下 安静
I don't have a lot of time, all right?
我是个大忙人 知道不
I don't have a lot of time.
我没有那么多闲工夫听你们尖叫
I'm currently over at stage 24
我正在24号♥台
hosting Spike TV's
主持斯派克电视台的
"Your Mother's a Fat Bitch" Awards show.
《你老母是肥碧池》的颁奖典礼
Some real clever writing, great energy over there.
那边的气氛好极了
Boy, have we got a great gang of talented comics here tonight.
天啊 今天各路天赋异禀的喜剧演员齐聚一堂
We've got Tom Dreesen,
我们这儿有汤姆·德里森
Willie Tyler, and Lester.
威利·泰勒 还有莱斯特
I didn't realize Lester was a live human being.
我竟然不知道莱斯特是真人
Gary Mule Deer,
盖里·穆·迪尔
Fannie Flagg,
范妮·弗拉格
top notch.
都是大腕儿啊
Star-studded evening.
众星云集的夜晚啊
Listen, I'm just gonna cut to the chase.
那我就直奔主题了
Justin Biber--Justin Bieber,
贾斯汀·圣经 哦不 贾斯汀·比伯
you've been taking it on the chin tonight.
你今晚真的是尝尽了苦头
You really have.
真的
In fact, absolutely abused,
事实上 应该说是被百般虐待了
and I'm just here to say one thing.
我就说一件事
You people don't know what the hell you're talking about.
你们这帮鼠辈完全是在鬼扯
As far as I'm concerned, this guy is doing it right.
据我所知 这小子净做实事儿了
Here's a couple things I know.
我就知道好几件
September 1st, 2014, Bieber arrested for a collision with
2014年9月1日 丁日在他的老家 加拿大 安大略的斯特拉特福德
a minivan in his hometown of Stratford, Ontario, Canada,
因和一辆小货车相撞被捕
and then beat up the occupant of the minivan.
他还动手打了那小货车的车主
Nice work!
打得好
October 18th, 2010, Bieber accused of assaulting
2010年10月18日 丁日因为在一个激光游戏里
a 12-year-old at a laser tag arena.
灭了个12岁的小娃子被控诉
Kaboom!
射得好
I only wish the kid was a nine-year-old.
我倒是希望那个小娃子只有9岁大
March 28th, 2013, Bieber flies into Munich
2013年3月28日 丁日带着他的宠物猴子马利
with his pet monkey, Mally,
飞去了德国慕尼黑
doesn't have the proper paperwork,
因为没有相关文件和手续
so he leaves it at a zoo in Germany.
所以他把猴子留在了德国的动物园里
It's a monkey. It's named Mally.
是只猴子啊 而且还叫马利
Don't think twice-- you leave it at a German zoo.
毫不犹豫地 把它留在了德国动物园里
March 4th, 2013, two hours late to a concert in Dubai
2013年3月4日 因为要玩电子游戏
because he refused to stop playing a video game.
迪拜的演唱会 他迟到了两个小时
Say what?
有错么
Hocked a loogie at his neighbor
他的邻居投诉他
after the guy complained that Bieber was driving 100 mph
在高级社区内超速驾驶
in his gated community neighborhood.
丁日冲他吐了口痰
Eat that, bitch!
咽下去吧 婊砸
July 10th, 2013, Bieber pees in a restaurant mop bucket.
2013年7月10日 丁日在一家酒店里对着拖把桶撒尿
As he runs off, he sprays a photograph of Bill Clinton
他离开的时候 还用蓝色的液体
with a bottle of blue liquid
喷了比尔·克♥林♥顿♥的照片
and yells, "Fuck Bill Clinton!"
大喊着 日死你 比尔·克♥林♥顿♥
There's not a person in this room who hasn't done that,
在座的各位有谁敢说你没这么做过么
you hypocritical assholes.
你们这群虚伪的人类
This kid has spunk, moxie,
这小子有勇气 有胆量
and probably a few other STDs, okay?
或许还有好几种性病 这又怎么了
I've always encouraged people to stay classy,
我一直鼓励人们标新立异
and what's more classy than hanging out
还有什么比和弗洛伊德·梅威瑟（著名拳手）
with Floyd Mayweather?
混在一起更时髦了
Would I love to see Biebs spending time
你们觉得我愿意看见丁日和奥斯卡·皮斯托瑞斯（南非无腿运动员）
with Oscar Pistorius?
一起玩儿吗
Of course I would, but that day will come.
我当然愿意了 早晚有一天会的
People refer to Mr. Bieber as a kid or a boy,
人们总喜欢把丁日当成毛头小子
but here's a newsflash, gang.
但是我觉得
He's a man,
他是个男人
a full-grown man who works and loves
一个用自己的双手
and makes things with his hands,
去创造 去爱的成熟男人
a man who sings songs for nine-year-olds
一个为学龄儿童唱歌♥
and cuts his hair like a gay figure skater.
把头发剪成同性恋花样滑冰选手的男人