喜剧中心贾斯汀·比伯吐槽大会（2015）

Tonight--tonight, we're going to talk about redemption.
今晚 今晚我们要谈谈救赎
We're going to talk about second chances and third chances
我们要说的是第二次机会 或者第三次
and 15th chances.
或者第十五次也行
Sometimes it can be hard to believe,
有时候是很难去相信上帝
but I'm not asking you all to believe.
当然我不是要你们都相信上帝
I'm asking you to "Beliebe." Yes, yes.
我是想让你们都信丁日 是的
I'm asking you to "Beliebe" In a man
都来信丁日这个邪教
with the voice of Stevie Wonder
这个有着史提夫·汪达的天籁
and the driving skills of Stevie Wonder.
以及他的驾驶技巧的男人
My question to the church is, "Are you ready to beliebe?"
我问你们 你们准备好信丁日了吗
No. No, no, no.
不 不 我们重来
I'll ask again. I said,
我再问一遍
"Are you ready to beliebe?"
你们准备好信丁日了吗
Are you ready to become Beliebers?
你们准备好做信丁日的比裂帛了吗
Then, ladies and gentlemen, Justin Bieber.
女士们先生们 欢迎丁日小天王
# Got to Beliebe Yeah.
#一定要信丁日
# Got to Beliebe He's gonna make a Belieber #
#信丁日 得永生#
# A Belieber out of me - Yes!
#我就信丁日 没错
# When you Beliebe When you Beliebe #
#来信丁日 来信丁日#
# You will be down, way down, on your bendin' knee #
#快来一起膜拜丁日 大家一起来#
# I'm gonna be a Belieber
#全民信丁日
# Till the day I die Yeah.
#全民得永生
# Shout "I beliebe" From the mountain high #
#跟我说 信丁日#
Hey.
嘿
# Got to Beliebe. Hey.
#信丁日 嘿
# Got to Beliebe He's gonna make a Belieber #
#信丁日 得永生#
# A Belieber out of me
#我就信丁日
Oh, shit. Oh, shit.
哦 不好
Oh, shit. We killed the white boy.
哦 不好 我们害死了这个熊孩子
The white-- Watch out. Watch out!
这个熊 小心 小心
Let me through. Jesus, no.
借过借过 上帝啊
Oh!
哦
Not like this.
不要这样啊
Wait, wait. He's moving! He's moving!
等等 他还在动 还在动
# He's still alive, We thought he died #
#他还活着 我们以为他死了#
# You can't kill Justin Bieber no matter what you try #
#丁日得永生 丁日得永生#
# It's time to go on with the show #
#节目要继续#
# But you got to-- Got to Belie-e-ebe #
#但是 请一定要信丁日#
Yeah. Come on.
哦
Yeah, oh. Justin Bieber, everybody.
哦 欢迎丁日小天王啊
Nice. How you doing?
很好 你怎么样
You're good? - Yep.
你没事吧 没事
That's good. I'm glad that you're good.
那就好 很高兴你没事
All right. Here's the thing.
嗯 听着
Before we get off to any roasting and any digging,
在我们开启八卦吐槽模式之前
I want everybody to understand this,
请大家注意
Justin Bieber really does have it all.
小天王确实能两全其美
I'm serious. He has a dick and a pussy.
我没开玩笑 他有鸡鸡和逼逼
Justin, stand up. Pop that thing one time.
小丁 给他们看看
Show 'em. Give 'em that hermaphrodite twerk
别害羞嘛 秀秀你的雌雄同体电臀舞
one time.
就这一次
I've seen it. No? No?
我已经看过了 不是吗
Let's be honest. Justin, you made a few mistakes.
我们开门见山吧 小丁 你做了不少错事
You're not perfect. He's done some things.
你也不是完人 他确实做了些不好的事
Dude, you got caught peeing on a video in a mop bucket.
兄弟 你被拍到朝一个拖把桶尿尿
Why are these idiots who work for you
为什么你手下的那些傻蛋们
taping you pissing? That's what I don't understand.
要拍你尿尿 我就搞不懂了
Like, when someone's filming you taking a piss,
比如说 有人在拍你尿尿
if you don't want them to tape you,
如果你不想被拍
you turn around, you say, "Turn the Goddamn camera off,"
你就转身 然后说 把那个该死的照相机关了
unless it's mandatory like Snoop pissing
除非你没有办法
in front of his parole officer. That's different, Snoop.
就像史努比狗狗不得不在他的假释官面前尿尿一样
That guy's got to see your dick.
那家伙要看你的丁丁
I get it. Don't worry about it.
我了你的 别担心
That's a criminal joke to Snoop 'cause he's been to jail.
那是个犯罪笑话 因为史努比曾经蹲过大牢
You were on the cover of Men's Health.
你上过《男士健康》的封面
He's getting a lot of slack
他脱下衣服
for taking his shirt off all the time.
身材可没我好
I don't get it. I don't understand that.
我就不明白了
Justin, let me tell you something, man.
小丁 我想告诉你
Okay, if you can take your shirt off, you do it.
嗯 能脱尽量脱
You do it as much as you Goddamn can.
能露尽量露
Seriously. Look at Shaq--Shaq--
讲真的 看看大鲨鱼
Shaq hasn't taken his shirt off since high school, okay?
他从高中起就没脱过他的上衣了 对吧
That's a true story. That's a true story right there.
那可是真事 珍珠都没那么真
Jeff Ross hasn't taken his shirt off since preschool.
杰夫·罗斯上了幼儿园之后就没脱过衣服
True story.
不忽悠你
Martha Stewart had her shirt off in my dressing room.
玛莎·斯图尔特在我的更衣室里就脱过了
Stop, stop, stop. Don't get the wrong idea.
诶 诶 别想歪
She just wanted me to titty fuck her!
她就想我♥干♥她的咪♥咪♥
Yeah!
就是这样
I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Stop.
对不起 别鼓掌了
I'm just trying to loosen y'all up.
我就想缓解一下这尴尬的气氛
I'm sorry.
抱歉了
Martha, I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
玛莎 我真的很抱歉
Is that gonna affect me getting free sheets after this, Martha?
你过会儿还能给我发免费床单吗 玛莎
Please.
求求你不要啊
I messed up my chance of getting free sheets,
我搞砸了收到免费床单的大好机会
Goddamn it, Kevin.
真该死 凯文
Me personally, I'm not mad.
我没有疯
I'm not mad at Justin. I'm not.
我没有生小丁的气 一点没有
I'm gonna tell you who I'm mad at.
我来告诉你我到底在生谁的气
I'm mad at his manager.
我在生他经纪人的气
You, Scooter. That's right.
对 就是你 斯库特
Scooter Braun right there.
斯库特·布劳恩
Scooter is the man that actually discovered Justin Bieber.
斯库特就是那个发掘丁日的男人
Scooter Braun was 25 years old.
那年他25岁
He was a single man living in Atlanta alone
独居在亚特兰大的单身汉
when he found Justin Bieber on the Internet
他在网上发现丁日的时候
in the middle of the night. The middle of the night!
那时候是大半夜啊 大半夜啊
He found a little white boy with nice hair on the Internet.
他在网上发现了一个发型像羊驼的熊孩子
Sounds to me like Scooter was fresh off a dick-beating session
我感觉斯库特肯定打了一场灰机
if you ask me.
真的
Now, I don't know where Chris Hansen is,
我不知道克里斯·汉森在哪儿
but he missed one.
但他抓漏了一个
That's a Goddamn predator if I've ever seen one
这是我见过的最成功的
right there.
性捕食者
Now, Justin, unfortunately, Selena Gomez,
噢 小丁 很遗憾
she couldn't be here tonight.
我们今天没能请到傻脸娜
No, she couldn't. She couldn't...
不是我们没请她来
Just because she didn't want to come.
是她自己不想来
There's no reason. She just didn't want to--
没有任何原因 她就是不想
She didn't want to be here.
不想和你站在一个舞台上
I wish I had something better to tell you, but I don't.
我希望我有好消息告诉你 但是很抱歉我没有
No, Selena got word that there was rumors
傻脸娜得到消息说
of Justin dealing with Kendall Jenner,
小丁你正和肯达尔·詹娜打得火热
and that shocked me. I was like, "What the fuck?"
我大吃了一惊 说 这女人瞎逼逼什么呢
That's what I said. "What the fuck?"
我真的说了
I was like, "If you're gonna deal with a Jenner,
我觉得 如果要和某个詹娜一起的话
I thought it would be Bruce." That's what I thought.
那应该是布鲁斯·詹娜
If it was--
只能是他
Just one. I'm sorry. That's the only one.
就这一个 很抱歉 我就将这一个笑话
I swear to God, guys, no more.
我发誓 不会再有了
It's no secret that Justin wants to be black.
小丁想成为黑人 这已经是公开的秘密了
Can we all agree on that? Justin loves the black culture.
是吧 小丁喜欢黑人文化
Everybody knows that.
地球人都知道
My thing is this, Justin, I just want you
我有个想法 小丁
to come to terms with the fact that you're not gangster.
我想让你面对现实 你不是黑帮粪子
That's Justin's main problem, man.
这是你最大的问题了
You're not a gangster! Accept that.
承认吧 你可不是什么黑帮粪子