喜剧中心贾斯汀·比伯吐槽大会（2015）

This guy just continues to impress.
这个男子总是让人刮目相看
Is there anything he can't do?
有他做不了的事吗
In fact, I pulled my pants down
其实 我刚刚在演员休息室里
and took a big, creamy shit in the green room
脱了裤子 拉了一大坨翔
because I thought to myself,
因为我告诉自己
"That's how the Biebs would do it.
这绝对是比伯做得出来的事
Again and again and again."
而且是一次又一次
If anything, Justin Bieber,
总之 丁日君
not only do you need to continue to live your life
你不仅要继续你
with the same reckless abandon,
鲁莽放纵的生活
I suggest you turn up the heat.
我还建议你开足马力
Oh, and one last thing, if you're watching
哦 还有一点 如果你正在
from your monkey cage in Germany...
德国的笼子里观看这个节目的话
Go to bed, Mally.
赶紧洗洗睡吧 马利
Good night.
大家晚安
Up next: Justin Bieber.
接下来 贾斯汀·比伯
There he is! Justin Bieber.
他来了 贾斯汀·比伯
That's the guy you want.
他就是你们要找的人
Wow.
哇
You know what? Right now it's finally time
你们造吗 终于到了
to bring up the boy of the hour.
请出今晚主角的时候了
You, Justin Bieber, it's time, man.
就是你 丁日 轮到你了
Here's what I want to say.
我想说的是
At 21, he's already the most famous living celebrity
年仅21岁 他就已经成为了
in the world. It's true.
世界上最有名的人 我说的是真的
He has over 60 million followers on Twitter.
他的推特上有超过六千万粉丝
He's at 40 million on Grindr.
他在同性恋交友软件上有四千万粉丝
It's true. It's true.
真的 绝对是真的
It's weird, but it's true. They love you, Justin.
虽然很奇怪 但是是真的 同性恋最爱你了 丁日
He's a platinum-selling recording artist, okay?
他是一位白金唱片艺术家
Justin Bieber has the voice of an angel,
丁日拥有天使般的嗓音
and he has the haircut and tattoos of a lesbian butcher.
而且还有像卖♥♥肉拉拉一样的发型和纹身
This shit is bad.
他的时尚感太差了
It's bad. I don't like it, but I love him,
太太差了 我不喜欢他的发型 但是我太爱他了
so I can't tell him. You guys do it.
所以我不敢直接告诉他 还是你们说吧
Write a letter. It's fucked up.
写信说 太操蛋了
It's fucked up, man.
太太操蛋了
Him and Snoop are in the same position.
他和史努比处境一样
Nobody wants to say anything. Look at Snoop's look.
我们对他都无话可说 看看史努比的打扮
It's like a teenage boy in high school, but he grew up,
就像一个上高中的青少年 光涨年龄
but he didn't graduate, but he's in college.
却毕不了业 又怎么混进了大学
What the fuck are you doing?
你♥他♥妈♥的脑子被驴踢了
Why does Snoop have on Chucks? It makes me so mad.
史努比在唱片里都干了啥啊 真让我心焦
I hate it. I hate it.
心焦焦啊
What the fuck are you doing?
你♥他♥妈♥的脑子被门夹了
Let it go. Your kids are in college.
别执着了 你孩子们都上大学了
What 70-year-old nigger is doing this?
七十岁高龄的黑鬼这么张牙舞爪的像什么
I hate it.
我心焦啊
Justin, that's where you're headed.
贾斯汀 你就在往这个方向发展
It's right in front of your face.
你下一步就会成这样
Look at old success.
要像成功人士看齐
Shaq has on a tie with glitter,
大鲨鱼的领带好闪
and what the fuck are you doing?
你♥他♥妈♥的脑子进水了
Like, I don't even know what it is.
我都快被闪瞎了
Diamonds. Shaq, it's not diamonds.
这是钻石 大鲨鱼 那不是钻石
It's graffiti. You're stupid.
那只是涂鸦而已 你被骗了
I hate it. I hate my people, man.
我心焦啊 我快为你们心焦死了
I really do.
真的
You know, I would say something about you, Jeff,
你知道吗 我真的想喷你两句 杰夫
but this is all you got.
可你已经没什么能让我喷的了
I don't want to fuck this up for you.
可怜得我都不舍得再喷你了
Every year you're back here. This is it.
每年你都在这儿 就这样儿了
You're you, okay?
你就是你 知道吗
That's what you say to people that you know not gonna make it.
当你知道某人成功不了 就会这么安慰他
You're you.
你就是你
Right now, you know what?
此时此刻
It's about the guy that we came to roast tonight,
该轮到今晚吐槽大会的主人公登场了
and I can be honored to say I'm a fucking fan.
我很荣幸地说 我是他的铁粉
Not only am I a fan, I'm a friend.
不仅是粉 我还是他的好基友
I'm glad to be here tonight, Justin, and I think
我很高兴今晚能站在这个舞台上 丁日
everybody else up here tonight can say the same thing.
我想这里的所有人和我的感受都是一样一样的
With that being said,
现在我们用
please make some noise and welcome Justin Bieber,
热烈的掌声有请贾斯汀·比伯华丽登场
ladies and gentlemen. - # I need somebody to love
女士们先生们 -#我需要去爱一个人#
# Do-do-do
#需要#
# Oh, I don't need too much
#哦 我不要太多#
# Just somebody to love
#只要去爱一个人#
# Somebody to love
#爱一个人#
# I don't need nothing else
#我什么都不需要#
# I promise, girl, I swear
#我发誓 我的女孩 我发誓#
# I just need somebody to love
#我只需要去爱一个人#
Damn, you guys were brutal.
靠 你们太狠了
Goodness gracious.
额滴神啊
This was supposed to be a birthday present.
这本来应该是我的生日礼物的
When I tell people what I got for my 21st birthday,
日后当我和别人说起我21岁生日礼物的时候
I get to tell them that I got my dick kicked in.
我不得不告诉他们 这一天 我的蛋被撸到了鬓角上
I know I've been driving recklessly,
我知道我开车从不踩刹车
getting arrested, smoking weed,
被捕从不怕曝光 抽烟只抽大♥麻♥
abandoning monkeys, and urinating publicly,
抛弃小动物只抛弃猴子 尿尿只在公共场合
but my biggest regret is plowing my Maserati
但我有史以来最后悔的事 就是刚刚在停车场
into Jeff Ross's Saturn in the parking lot, man.
开着我的玛莎拉蒂碾过了杰夫·罗斯的土星轿车
And, Jeff,
杰夫
I feel really bad because I don't know
我真心觉得过意不去
where you're gonna sleep tonight, man.
你今天晚上还有地方睡吗
Look, I'm new to comedy, but here's a joke, all right?
我虽然不经常搞笑 但我要讲一个笑话
What do you get when you give a teenager $200 million?
如果你未成年时就赚到两个亿会怎么样
A bunch of has-beens calling you a lesbian for two hours.
会有一群过气明星花两个小时狂喷你是拉拉
All right, all right. I'm playing.
好吧 好吧 我开个玩笑而已
You guys were all really funny tonight.
你们今晚真的太搞笑了
When we were looking for a roastmaster,
当时我们想请一个吐槽大♥师♥来主持
we called Jamie Foxx, Chris Rock,
我们找了杰米·福克斯 克里斯·洛克
and they both couldn't do it.
他们都没空来
Then I had a great idea. Let's call Kevin Hart
我紧接着就想到了 找凯文·哈特来
and see if he has Dave Chappelle's number.
看他有没有戴夫·查佩尔的电♥话♥号♥码
No, I have hu--
不 我
He didn't have it.
他没有
He didn't have it.
他没有你的电♥话♥
Kevin, you were awesome tonight.
凯文 你今晚很棒
I have huge respect for Kevin Hart.
我真的非常尊敬凯文·哈特
Kevin loves seeing himself on the big screen.
凯文喜欢看自己出现在大屏幕上的风采
And for him that's an iPad mini. Sorry.
对他的身高来说 再大的屏幕也像个iPad mini 抱歉
Kevin is so short, he calls Lil Wayne "Wayne."
凯文个子太低了 以至于见了李尔·韦恩（身高168）都要低声下气
I love Kevin Hart's career plan.
我很欣赏凯文的职业规划
Do everything Martin Lawrence did, only shittier.
一切向马丁·劳伦斯看齐 只是干得更烂一些罢了
And, Martha, thanks for coming.
还有 玛莎 谢谢你今晚能来
I know that's probably something you don't do much of anymore.
我估计你应该已经不能高♥潮♥了吧
Ah, Natasha Leggero,
啊 娜塔莎·赖格罗
this is my first time seeing you perform.
这是我第一次亲眼看见你登台表演
You were really great even though you didn't shoot out
如果你能像史努比保证的那样射两个乒乓球出来
a single ping pong ball like Snoop promised.
你就真的完美了
And, Jeff Ross, thanks for being here, man.
还有 杰夫·罗斯 谢谢你出席
Jeff, you look like the emoji you send
杰夫 你看起来就像是你每次食物中毒
when you want to tell someone you have food poisoning.
发给朋友们的表情文字一样搞笑
Oh.
哦
Chris D'Elia is my favorite comedian,
克里斯是我最喜欢的谐星
and I'm lucky to call him a friend.
我很荣幸可以称作是他的朋友
Chris actually brought me on stage
克里斯曾经让我出演过
at one of his shows, and it was really cool.
他的秀 他真的对我太好了
It was the first time I got to see what it was like
那是我第一次知道
to perform for eight people staring at their phones.
在八个不停玩手♥机♥的人面前表演是什么感受