澳野巫踪（2016）

俗话说"一龟在肚
As the saying goes, "A turt in the tum,
一生无忧"
"No harm done."
没人这么说过
No one's ever said that.
我刚刚不是说了吗 是吧
Well I just said it, didn't I?
好了 好了 好了
Well, well, well.
这个尤物是谁呀
Who is this ravishing creature?
请允许我自我介绍一下
Allow me to introduce myself.
我是智者Regimand
I am Regimand the Wise,
器大活好哟
and Well-Hung.
嘿 Jack
Hey, Jack.
你老爸好酷
Cool dad.
噢 你先看着 我们要开始了
Oh, would you look at that, we're about to start.
好运
Good luck.
嘿 呃 老爸
Hey, um Dad,
你可以滚蛋吗
could you fuck off?
别担心儿子
Don't worry, son.
我喝完这杯就不打扰你了
I'll just finish my drink and get out of your beard.
水彩
Watercolor?
水彩
Watercolor!
好恶心啊
Gross!
铃啊叮啊叮
Ring-a-ding-a-dingle!
谁想要个伴侣
Who wants a flingle?
这个游戏的名字叫速度
The name of the game is speed, guys and girls,
马上开始吧
so let's get to it!
你好
Hi.
你好 你好
Hi, hi!
你好 我是Jack
Hi, I'm Jack.
我知道啊 牌子上都写着呢
I know, it's on your tag.
噢 好吧
Oh, well um...
识字是人类女性身上非常有吸引力的品质
Literacy is a very attractive quality in a human female.
你是Anna 我看着牌子呢
You are Anna, just looking at the tag,
不是胸
not the chest
到现在为止
yet.
我是希望看的 但是我们会跨过这个坎 如果我们
Uh, I hope to, but we'll cross that bridge when we come
在一起的话
to it.
所以 你是做什么的
So, what do you do?
我在学习成为一名会计
Well, I'm studying to be an accountant.
噢 会计 不错
Oh, accountancy, that's interesting.
额 你看上去很可爱 很好看
And, uh, you look lovely, by the way, you look great.
谢谢
Thanks.
不客气
You're welcome.
你平时喜欢做什么来娱乐
So, what do you do for fun?
娱乐
Fun?
啊 娱乐
Ah, fun!
我 额 喜欢读书
I uh, well, I like to read.
我喜欢和朋友看电视
I like to watch television with my friends.
我喜欢搞园艺
I like to garden.
厉害
Cool.
嗯
Yeah.
速配约会
So, speed dating.
你想从中获得什么呢
What are you hoping to get out of it?
我只是想找一个有趣的人
I just, I just want to find somebody who's fun.
你个猪头
You're a pig.
实际上我是防水的
I'm actually a waterproof man.
哇哦 酷
Wow, smooth.
我觉得我有点生锈了
Guess I'm a bit rusty,
真是讽刺 因为我都不会湿
which is ironic, as I can't get wet.
嘿 我觉得我要走了
Hey, um, I think I'm just gonna go,
但是很谢谢你
but thank you very much.
这很糟糕 - 喂
This was awful. - Oy.
我没想过你是轻言放弃的人
I never pegged you for a quitter.
来嘛 Jack 加油
Come on, Jack, hustle.
来 喝这个
Here, drink this.
这是 药水吗
Is it, uh, like a potion?
不是 你个笨蛋
No, you fucking idiot.
这是啤酒
It's a beer.
它会缓和一下情况 顺便搞定
It'll take the edge off and sort out that,
你额头上的东西
that business.
好
Ok.
不 不 不 喝
No, no, no, no, drink.
好喝不
Good?
挺不错的欸
Fucking sick.
不错
Good
你好
Hi there.
你好
Hello.
噢
Oh.
我就知道
I knew it!
你是巫师
You are a wizard.
罪名成立
Guilty as charged.
这太奇怪了 这里也有另一个会魔法的人
That is so weird, there's another magic guy here.
等等 什么 真的
Wait, what, really?
嗯
Yeah.
有一个更生动的故事
A more rousing tale,
我当时在小睡 因为我习惯睡在我的石棺里
I was snoozing as I was wont to do in my sarcophagus.
那阵日子我都很懒
I was rather a lazy bones in those days.
天哪 掀开盖子之后 谁能想到
Lo and behold, the lid is lifted and who should it be,
是Brendan Fraser
but Brendan Fraser.
他当时在为他即将上映的电影钻研角色
He was researching his role for the upcoming movie at the time,
<蹦蹦猴>
Monkeybone,
在好莱坞引起了轰动
the Hollywood sensation.
然后我们一起 得出了一个结论
Then we, together, came to the conclusion
我们应该要把所有的奴隶活埋了
that we should bury all the slaves alive.
你们要喝什么吗
You guys asked for drinks?
你竟然敢打扰木乃伊领主
You dare interrupt Lord Mummy?
看着我的护身符
Stare into my amulet!
不 不 不 不
No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no!
正如我刚才所说 猴子骨头
As I was saying, monkey bones.
基本上他们和什么一起煮都很好吃
Basically, they're delicious with anything.
我个人最爱有骨头沙拉
I have a bone salad, personally,
你把骨头放在烤架上稍微烤一下
you toast the bones lightly under a grill,
然后把他们整齐地摆在莴苣上
and then arrange them smoothly on cos lettuce
加点少量的蛋黄酱在上面
with a drizzle of mayonnaise on top of that.
木乃伊呀 是吧
Mummy mia, right?
或者一些腌制好的凤尾鱼
And maybe some anchovies
如果你喜欢的话
if that's your pleasure.
我个人不喜欢盐
I personally don't appreciate the salt.
总之 告诉我 你觉得
Anyway, tell me, what was it like
生活在巫师界是什么感受
growing up in the wizard realm?
挺正常的
Pretty normal.
老爸把自己变成泡沫进入了性♥爱♥之球里面
Uh, Dad frothed himself into a sex ball,
把我从蛋里孵出来
hatched me from an egg.
现在他死了 活在画里面
Now he's dead and lives in a painting.
他就在那边
Oh there he is.
你看起来和我一样绝望
You look about as desperate as I am.
好吧 无聊 并不在意
Yeah, boring, don't care.
用你的魔法震撼我吧 魔法师
Impress me, magic man.
变个魔法给我看看
Show me a trick.
额 我的魔法就是
Ah well, uh, the thing about my magic
我什么也不变
is that I don't do any.
什么
Excuse me?
我现在在自我禁欲中
I'm under a self-imposed abstinence.
你在禁欲
You're abstinent?
从魔法角度上来讲 是的
Magically, yes.
从性的角度上来讲 来者不拒
Sexually, I'm open for business.
你活好吗
And how is business?
烂到你想哭
It is miserable.
做得好
Yeah, good call.
速配约会是一个好约会
A quick date is a good date!
只要他不是在该慢下来的时候秒射 女士们
So long as he isn't quick where it counts, hey ladies?
说得就是那些早射的
Talk about come.