澳野巫踪（2016）

棍棒石头或许能打断我的骨头
Sticks and stones may break my bones
但是这个故事却会令你心碎
but this story may break your heart.
晚上好 欢迎收看今天"没有胡说八道"的
Good evening and welcome to a very special
特别节目
edition of No Nonsense.
上个月有一条新闻一直占据了头条
This past month has been dominated by a single story,
事关一个叫做Baby Bones(婴儿尸骨)的小男孩的命运
the fate of one little boy, Baby Bones.
作为一个黑巫师诅咒的产物
The product of a dark wizard's curse,
Baby Bones被他的亲生父母遗弃
Baby Bones was rejected by his biological parents
只因他出生时身上没有皮肤
simply because he was born without skin.
今晚的节目里我们会去看一看
On tonight's episode we take an exclusive look
Baby Bones和他养父母的生活
at the life of Baby Bones and his adoptive parents.
Bueno频道独家报道 让我们一起去看一看
A Channel Bueno exclusive, let's take a look.
我和Harry从结婚那天起
Me and Harry had been trying for a baby
就一直试着要个孩子
ever since the wedding,
但就是一直怀不上
but it just wasn't happening.
我们想要一个真正的家庭的话
Adoption seemed like the only way
唯一的出路就是领养了
for us to have a real family.
而孤儿院的景象真是让我们心碎
And the orphanage just broke our hearts.
这么多美丽的孩子们
So many beautiful children who needed
都没有父母的呵护
the loving care of parents.
而那其中有一个孩子比其他人
But there was one child who needed love
都更需要爱
more than any other.
那个孩子就是Baby Bones
That child was Baby Bones.
是的呢
Yep.
这对夫妇收养这个无邪的孩子
It's been a little over two months
至今已经有两个多月了
since the couple adopted the innocent child,
他们并不知道媒体给这个孩子
unaware of the celebrity status the media had
强加的名人身份
cruelly forced upon him.
我们应该上楼看看
We would like to go up.
希望如此
Hopefully.
Baby Bones快从那上面下来
Baby Bones get down from there.
那就是我们家Baby Bones
That's our Baby Bones.
喂 这里是Jack的手♥机♥
Hello this is the mobile telephone of Jack.
我能问问我在和谁说话吗
May I ask to whom that I speak?
喂 Jack 我已经在录影棚了
Hey Jack, I'm at the studio already.
你在哪儿呢
Where are you?
我正坐在我可移♥动♥工具里
I'm sitting in my motorized vehicle
堵在不知道有多长的
in a seemingly endless queue of other
其他可移♥动♥工具后面 我快无聊死了
motorized vehicles, and it is boring
这感觉到很自然也很对
and it feels natural and it just feels right.
好吧 他们正在回顾Baby Bones的故事
Okay yeah, they have run the Baby Bones retrospective.
卧♥槽♥
Oh fuck.
Jack现在是很卧♥槽♥
Oh fuck is right Jack.
听好 巫师现在并不受大众青睐
Look, wizards aren't in the public's good graces right now
所以如果你不能赶上这个采访
and if you don't get to this interview on time,
Quinn不知道又会怎么说你了
Quinn is gonna tear you a new one.
你真的不能快一点到这儿吗
Are you sure you can't get here any faster?
这里有炸鱼和薯条
They've got fish and chips.
我不知道怎么办
I don't know what to do.
我被堵在路上动不了
I'm stuck in a traffic jam.
妈的 所以说Baby Bones的恶势力又一次抬头了
Fuck okay, so Baby Bones has reared his ugly head again.
这个节目让我们看起来有那么坏吗
Did the show make us look that bad?
当然如果他有皮肤的话 生活会好过一点
Of course his life would be easier with skin.
当然我希望那些可恶又邪恶的巫师没有下过诅咒
Of course I wish those damned awful wizards hadn't cursed
让这个无辜的孩子一生没有皮肤
an innocent child to live without skin.
但他是我心爱的Baby Bones
But he's my Baby Bones.
不管发生什么我都不想让他改变
I wouldn't change him for the world.
不好意思
Excuse me.
Baby Bones马上停下 不要再啃那只猫
Baby Bones stop eating the cat this instant!
好吧 我并不准备说谎
Look um, I'm not gonna lie.
确实Hilde对Baby Bones更加上心一点
Hilde was more on the Baby Bones bandwagon,
她是3B
the triple B.
但是 我爱我的妻子
However, I love my wife.
现在我也爱我的儿子
And now I love my son.
我的儿子是一具婴儿尸骨
My son who is a Baby Bones.
营养学家不是很清楚怎么维持Baby Bones的健康
Nutritionists weren't quite sure what would sustain baby Bones,
但是在我研究了一些超自然科学以后
but after some research into the occult,
Hilde和我发现他真的很喜欢一种
Hilde and I discovered that he really likes something
我们叫做四血沙拉的食物
we like to call four blood salad.
总的来说 这道菜就是拿一种动物的血
Basically you take the blood from an animal,
放到大碗里 然后再拿另一种动物的血
put that in a bowl, and you take the blood from
再把那个血放到大碗里
another animal, put that in a bowl.
接着再放两种不同的血进去
Followed by two more types of blood.
加一点肉豆蔻 稍微搅一搅
A little pinch of nutmeg, give it a stir,
然后这碗沙拉就做成啦
and you've got yourself a salad.
这其实是Curtis Stone新料理书里的菜谱
It's actually a recipe from Curtis Stone's new book.
跟上本相比 这本不知怎的变了风格呢
It's a weird shift from his previous books.
嗷 我的两个宝贝
Aww, my two boys.
我以为他们都已经忘记Baby Bones了呢
I was hoping they had forgotten about Baby Bones.
就这样了 我完了
I mean well that's it. I'm fucked.
我完全 彻底 屎一样的完了
I'm completely, utterly, shittingly fucked.
你就快点过来吧 Jack
Just get here ASAP Jack.
我他妈被堵在路上了
I'm stuck in fucking traffic.
讲道理你不是被堵在车流里 你自己就能当车啊
Technically you're not in traffic, you are traffic.
你凭什么
What possessed you?
你凭什么把那个孩子变成婴儿变成骨架
What possessed you to turn that baby into a bones?
你♥他♥妈♥所有的计划都在玩我
I mean of all your plans to fuck me,
这次简直要我完蛋
that one's fucking me rotten.
从前面搞我
It's fucking me frontways.
从侧面搞我
It's fucking me sideways.
真是托你所赐我他妈现在就跟个
Thanks to you I'm pretty much a big soggy
湿乎乎的大软蛋一个样
fuckbag of cum.
不用谢我的 Jack
Well you're very welcome, Jack.
我只对你一个人这样
I don't do that for everyone.
现在我约了个全国性采访
And now on the one nationwide interview
我唯一的挽回自己名声的机会
that I've booked, my one chance to redeem myself,
就因为塞车我要错过去了
I'm gonna miss it 'cause I'm stuck in traffic.
噢 我听说前面那个大车祸了
Aw yeah I heard there was a big accident up there.
就因为那个才堵车的
It's caused all this traffic.
这事我也亲眼看到了
Also I saw it.
当然这事也是我♥干♥的
Also I did it.
你干嘛不直接瞬移到那
Why don't you just teleport there?
用点 法国人口中的
I mean use a bit of, you know, as the French say
或者我就坐在这
Or I could just sit down
就跟那些讲道理的人一样等着
like a civilized person and wait.
因为你就是个傻♥逼♥
Because you're an idiot.
为了让你知道你有多傻
And just to show you how idiot you are,
我准备绕一圈地球回来
I'm gonna skip across the globe.
那我先走啦
Excuse me.
我回来啦
I'm back.
我好开心我的天
Gee whiz I had a lot of fun.
幸好我没像个呆逼一样在路上堵着
Glad I'm not stuck in traffic like a bloody drongo.
对了 话说回来哦 西班牙的雨无处可落哦
Oh and by the way, the rain in Spain falls mainly on nothin'
因为啊 我把西班牙给蒸发了
'cause I evaporated Spain.
唰的一下就没了
It's gone. Cha cha.
没给你带jamon
No jamon for you.
jamon是西班牙火腿的意思哦
That's Spanish ham.
马上去西夫韦超♥市♥给你买♥♥
Fuckin' buy it in a Safeway.
买♥♥一整只猪腿放你篮子里
Buy a whole leg into your cart now.
我们爱你 Baby Bones
We love you Baby Bones!
虽然他没有皮肤 但是
He may not have skin, but certainly
他确实有很多粉丝
he has fans.
我爱他的骨头
I love his bones.
我要是有了孩子 我也会把他的皮剥下来
If I have a baby, I'm gonna rip off all his skin too.
他出现在T恤上 杯子上 甚至还出了流行新专
Appeared on tee shirts, mugs, his hip-hop single,
以及一系列非常成功的儿童玩具
or the wildly successful line of children's toys.
*Baby Bones Baby Bones Schmampftz出品*
*Baby Bones Baby Bones Schmampftz*
Baby Bones的周边是今夏孩子们
Baby Bones merchandise is a must-have accessory
不可缺少的配件
for kids this summer.
我喜欢Baby Bones是因为他不听老师的话
I like Baby Bones because he doesn't listen to teachers.