现代爱情

为什么总是我来收拾
Why is it always me that cleans up?
它是你的狗
'Cause. It's your dog.
-是我们的狗 -好吧 我们的狗
- It's our f-- it's our dog. - Okay, it's our dog,
-但是你的屎 -我们的屎
- but it's your shit. - It's our shit.
-不是我们的屎 -我们的屎 真乖
- It's not our shit. Aw... - Our shit. Good girl.
-好 -谢谢 亲爱的
- Okay. Okay. - Thank you, honey.
-请打开大门 -我可以开门
- Can you open the gate, please? - I can open the gate.
-非常感谢 -什么态度啊你
- Thank you so much. - Why do you have an attitude?
-我很感谢 -你没必要耍小脾气
- I really appreciate that... - You don't need to have an attitude.
我才没有
I don't have an attitude.
-我只是提出了个请求 -我觉得你
- I'm just asking very simply. - I feel like you got...
我手里拿着屎呢
Considering I've got shit in my hand,
-你最好别跟我... -那是你的狗
- I would not be talking to me... - It's your dog.
-说话那么冲 -你就该拿它的屎
- ...in an abrasive manner. - You can have shit in your hand.
-谢谢 -好吧 亲爱的 知道吗
- Thank you. - Okay, honey. You know what?
好吧 我去看《冰血暴》了 好吗
It's fine, I want to watch Fargo. Is that okay?
-你想看什么随你 -谢谢
- You can watch whatever you want. - Okay. Thank you.
拜托 你是四岁小孩吗
Oh, come on, are you-- are you-- are you, like, four years old?
欢迎
Welcome!
你俩都来了
Oh, both of you!
是三个人 老天
Three of you. Jesus Christ.
-看看你 -来吧
- Look at you. - Come in.
你赶在夏季暴雨前来了
You beat the rain. You know, a big summer storm is due.
-给我吧 -谢谢
- I got that. I got-- Oh! - Thanks.
-你没事吧 -抱歉 我一拿...
- You okay? - Uh, yeah, sorry, I just grabbed it...
-谢谢 -你没事吧
- Yeah, thank you. - You okay?
霍马 坏狗狗
Homer! Bad dog!
你们的狗似乎被霍马吓到了
Your dog seems a little threatened by Homer.
它很能抢地盘
He can get very territorial.
没有地盘的抢地盘的狗
A territorial dog with no territory.
他把所有地方都当做自己的地盘
He makes everywhere his territory.
霍马 趴下
Homer! Hit the deck.
谢谢你们让我来 我喜欢你们的公♥寓♥
So, thanks for this, guys. I love your apartment.
-我真的很高兴能住下 -你要住下
- I'm-I'm really excited to stay. - Oh, you're staying?
-住在纽约吗 -当然了
- In-in-in New York? - Of course she is.
她要跟我们住
She's staying with us.
好啊 好
Cool. Great.
这样行吗 你们谈过吧
Is that okay? Have you guys discussed that?
-我们这就谈 -没
- We're discussing it right now. - No.
-实时谈 -没事的
- It's a live discussion. - It's okay.
这很好 就差几周了 是吧
It's great. And you're only a couple of weeks out, right?
-你随时要生了 -我还有八周
- You're gonna pop any day, huh? - I'm eight weeks out.
八周
Eight weeks. Eight weeks.
-好 -我们很高兴你能来
- Great. - We are happy to have you.
让我们很有参与感
It just makes us feel involved.
对 而且他一直在拼命为当爸做准备
Yeah. Andy has been preparing for parenthood like crazy.
我把托宾的书房♥变成了婴儿房♥
So I've, um, I've turned Tobin's study into a baby room,
漆成了半蓝半粉的
and I've painted it half blue, half pink, you know,
两边都照顾到
covering both bases...
我们绝不是想把我们的性别刻板印象施加给孩子
Not that we want to impose our gender stereotypes, God forbid.
我问你个问题
Let me ask you a question.
-好 问吧 -婴儿小考 准备好了吗
- Oh, great. Yup, go. - Baby quiz, you ready?
-婴儿小考 -对
- Baby quiz. - Yeah...
没错 你没听错
Yeah. That's true. You're hearing it right.
宝宝拉绿屎意味着什么
Yeah, so what does it mean when the baby's poo is green?
过 我不知道
Pass. I don't know.
过 什么叫"过"
Pass? What do you mean, "Pass"?
-过 我不知道 -意味着宝宝病了
- Pass. I don't know. - Means the baby is sick.
我们还是到时看吧
Why don't we just find that out?
你想要到时...
You want us to just find out...
-你没事吧 -天啊
- You all right? - Oh, my...
没事 我的房♥间在哪
Yeah. So where's my room?
这里就是
You're in it.
好啊
Sweet.
欢迎回家 亲爱的
Welcome home, dear.
这都几点了 去酒吧逍遥
What time do you call this? Gallivanting in some bar, huh,
我却在热灶台上忙活
while I'm slaving over a hot stove!
造型不错
Nice look.
这里热死了
It's so hot in here.
天啊
Oh, Jesus.
你好
Hello.
-你太美了 -谢谢 安迪
- You look fucking beautiful. - Thank you, Andy.
如果你把你的衣服
You know, if you want to just, uh, throw your-- sorry--
丢进袋子里
your-- throw your, th-throw your clothes in a bag,
我可以下次带上一起洗
I can include them in my next laundry run.
我为什么要那么做
Why would I do that?
因为很多人都那么做
Um, because a-a lot of people do that?
我为什么要把钱浪费在洗衣服上
Why would I waste money on a laundromat
我明明可以在浴室里洗衣服
when I can wash my clothes in the bath
然后在这里晾干
and then dry them here?
就是提一句 疯狂的点子
Just an idea. Crazy idea.
我做了咖喱虾 好久没做了
So I cooked a prawn bhuna. It's been a while,
但菜谱应该没错...吧
but I think I got the recipe right... ish.
你们没有椰奶 我就用了自来水
You didn't have any coconut milk, so I used tap water.
我也买♥♥不起虾
Oh, and I couldn't afford prawns,
就用了金枪鱼碎 饿了吗
so it's little tuna bits instead. You hungry?
我真不懂你们怎么
I just don't understand how you guys
每晚都去餐馆吃饭
can keep going out to restaurants, like, every night.
因为我们不会做饭
Because we can't cook, that's why.
-我经常给你做饭 -不 亲爱的
- I cook for you all the time... - No, no, honey, honey, honey.
你为我准备食物 但那不叫烹饪
You prepare food for me, that's what you do. We can't cook.
烹饪是门艺术
Cooking-- cooking is an art.
那是我们还没掌握的艺术 好吧
It's an art that we have yet to master. All right?
-行吗 -你们该学学
- Is that fair? - Well, you should learn. You should learn.
在家做饭很省钱的
You could save so much money by cooking at home.
这样太浪费了 没道理
This is a ridiculous, inexcusable waste.
-是啊 -你该上门家政课
- Yeah. - You should take a home economics course
学点基础知识
and learn the basics.
我要一个装满了的冰箱和冷冻库
Yeah, I want a full fridge and freezer,
还有写满美味营养餐点的菜谱册
and a roster of good, nourishing meals.
你们不能每晚带着哭闹的宝宝去餐馆
You can't take a screaming baby out to restaurants every night.
会惹别人生气的
You-- It pisses people off.
知道还有什么让人生气吗 孕妇喝酒
You know what else pisses people off? Pregnant women who drink.
-拜托 -红酒 怎么了
- Oh, come on... - Wine. What?
你开玩笑吗
Are you joking? Are you joking?
我为这个孩子放弃了一切
I have given up everything for this kid.
我不抽烟 大♥麻♥ 不吃辣的东西
I don't smoke, I don't smoke weed, I don't have spicy food.
姑娘 来
Hey, girl. Come on.
你在哪呢 真乖 准备好了吗
Where are you? Good girl, you ready?
来吧
Come on.
你没事吧
You all right?
你在喘粗气吗
Are you panting?
怎么了
What's up, huh?
吉普: 我怀孕了
真乖
Good girl. Good girl.
我以为你说你的狗阉过了 卡拉
I thought you said your dog was neutered, Karla.
我真没听到你说什么 我以为你说"教育过"
I honestly didn't hear you, I thought you said "tutored."
你的狗怎么教育过
In what way was your dog tutored?
他之前有行为问题
He had some behavioral issues,
就跟个狗语者上了些课
so he did some classes with a dog whisperer.
谢了 卡拉
Well, thanks, Karla.
他可能让我们的狗有永远的阴影了
He may have scarred our dog for life.
得了 别那么夸张
Oh, stop it. You're being dramatic.
给它服药 就没事了 亲爱的
You give her the pills, it goes away; it's fine, honey.
或许吧 但今天我休假
Maybe, but this is my day off.
我本该放松地在家吃早餐
I'm supposed to be having a leisurely breakfast,
但现在我要在家给狗堕胎了
and now I'm performing a home-abortion.
这都没道理
You know, it just doesn't make sense.
吉普怎么能塞得下你狗狗的老二
How could Kipper even accommodate your dog's penis?
怎么了 安迪
What? Andy.
-安迪 醒醒 -怎么了