开玩笑

Kidding S02E07

Part 4 June 1, 2020, 3:53 p.m.

你想成为什么样的人
What's the me you wanna be?
一个老婆再婚时
Someone whose wife isn't remarrying
不会嫁给麻醉师的人
an anesthesiologist.
一个...
Someone whose...
儿子还理他的人
son... is still talking to him.
一个能处理好自己感情的人
Someone who can cope... ha... with his feelings.
玩偶时间中的歌♥词
你所感受到的一切
You can feel anything at all.
玩偶时间中的歌♥词
都是因为你能够感受而存在
Anything at all, you can feel it.
玩偶时间中的歌♥词
谢谢
Thanks.
这个建议很不错
That's good advice.
这不是建议
It's not advice.
是我在避孕药背面看到的
I read that on the back of a prophylactic.
如果你想听倒是有个办法
There's a way out, if you wanna hear it.
你看我有一个混球老公
See, I've got a bastard of a husband
和两个让我无法忍♥受的孩子
and two kids I can't stand.
- 你很爱你的孩子啊 - 他们是我的重担
- You love your kids. - They're paperweights.
可爱有趣的...
Adorable, funny...
两个重担
paperweights.
但好消息是你总是可以选择逃离的
But the good news is you can always escape.
你可以吗
You can?
当然
Sure.
很容易的
It's easy.
你并不是只能和注定的失败相随
Failure doesn't have to follow you.
比如我就要逃到尼加拉大瀑布去
I'm escaping to Niagara Falls
我姐姐住在那里
to where my sister lives.
你想逃离吗
You want out?
你只需要坐上公交车
You just have to get on the bus.
而带你逃离的车总是会出现的
And the bus... always shows up.
不好意思我得... 回家了
I'm sorry. I have... to go home.
公交站
作为一神论者我一直坚信
As a monotheist, I always believed
造物主只有一位
there was one creator.
但下一位演讲者却改变了我的想法
Until I met our next speaker.
请欢迎为《玩偶时间》节目
Please welcome the alchemist
创造出所有精美玩偶的魔法师
who creates all those wonderful creatures
迪尔德丽·皮奇里洛
on Puppet Time, Deirdre Piccirillo.
迪尔德丽
Deirdre?
她在场吗
Is she here?
赶紧去急诊室
Go to the E.R.
你知道这是谁的错吗
You know whose fault this is?
现任菲律宾总统
杜特尔特
Duterte.
他把菲律宾搞成了警♥察♥国家
He turned the Philippines into a police state.
他压♥迫♥这个国家太久了
He has oppressed his people for too long.
你不能因为一个人歌♥唱离婚
You can't just heave a man off a building
就把他从楼上扔下去
for singing about divorce!
问题出在男人身上
The problem is men.
他们才是所有问题的共同症结
That's the common thread here.
斯科特男的偷了我的家具抢了我的玩偶
Scott... a man... steals my furniture, my puppets,
毁了我的婚姻
ends my marriage?
- 是是是 - 谢谢你的声援
- Sure. - Thank you!
还有我爸他干嘛要相信我
And Dad... it's like, why are you trusting me?
你不能信任我
Me? You can't trust me!
过去的三十年
For the past 30 years,
我唯一干的事就是做玩偶
all I'm doing is making puppets.
现在全都要我负责了规划得真好爸
And now I'm in charge. That's great planning, Dad.
全都怪你老爹
That's on you, Pop.
你还有谁要说
Anyone else on your list?
有是谁连自己的终身成就奖
Yeah! Who doesn't show up
都不敢露面来领
for their own lifetime achievement award?
自私佬
Selfish people.
要是给我颁一个
When I get an award
放弃全额盗用公♥款♥奖
for giving away all the money I embezzled,
我他妈肯定露面
I show the fuck up.
打住
Uh-uh, no.
你说什么
What?
你活得一团糟你一直活得一团糟
You're a mess. You've always been a mess.
你身上发生的破事全都怪你自己
All that is happening to you is your fault
和别人没有任何关系
and no one else's.
我明确地告诉你
In no uncertain terms,
你的灾难人生全是你亲手构建的
you are the architect of your own catastrophe
也许杜特尔特那件事不怪你吧毕竟他是个独♥裁♥者
except maybe the Duterte thing, but he's a dictator.
你选择了嫁给谁你选择了你的工作
You chose who to marry. You chose your job.
你选择了让杰夫没遮没拦地在电视上随性说
You chose to put Jeff on the air with very few guardrails.
你选择了制♥作♥
You chose to manufacture a doll
能听到孩子一切的玩偶
that listens to children sleeping,
你选择了把一个巨贵的酸果振动棒
and you chose to stick a very expensive vibrating pickle
插入自己的阴♥道♥
into your vagina!
我很抱歉
I'm sorry.
但是你打开的振动棒是你一直把它往里塞
You twisted its head, you made it burrow,
是你让它唱的歌♥ 都你的错全都怪你
you made it sing... you! Your fault, you!
你就是灾难独♥裁♥者
You are Duterte!
原来一直都是我自作自受
I've been fucking myself this whole time!
我不能一直念着她是不是
I can't keep chasing her, can I?
是啊不能
No, man. Can't.
既然早晚都要接受现实
Sooner or later, you gotta accept reality.
不如趁早吧
Sooner is better.
晚上好
Good evening.
我是杰夫·皮克斯
I'm Jeff Pickles.
在我整个人生中...
You know, my whole life...
我都感觉必须要在工作与家庭之间做出选择
I felt I had to choose between my job and my family.
直到今天我才意识到
And it took me till today
这个选择有多么容易
to realize how easy that choice is.
因为一个是真实的
Because one of them is real
另一个只是幻想
and one is a fantasy.