开玩笑

Kidding S02E03

Part 3 June 1, 2020, 3:53 p.m.

我总是带着笔的
I always have a pen,
不是我用是你自己用
It's not for me. It's for you.
不行
No.
别跟他说话别道歉
Don't try to talk to him. Don't apologize.
别在散播仇恨的地方做这些
Don't do that thing where you sow hate
仇恨会开出爱之花
and it blooms into love.
而现在没人愿意这样
Nobody wants that right now.
- 彼得也许会 - 你跟他说过话吗
- Peter might. - Have you been talking to him?
- 你们平时有联络吗 - 没有
- Do you guys talk somehow? - No.
为什么
Why?
没什么别管了
Nothing. Never mind.
他有没有跟你说过我们一起写的一首歌♥
Did he tell you about a song we did together?
不要捏它不要压它
Don't squeeze it, don't squash it,
包住它或者拦住它
contain, or kibosh it!
不
No.
不是要了结吗
What about closure?
我就是要给你一个了结啊
That's what I'm trying to give you.
这是你很久之前就该签了的
This is something you should have signed a long time ago.
这信封里是16年的魔法
There are 16 years of magic in this envelope.
别把它说的那么浪漫
Don't romanticize the envelope.
咱们应该庆祝一下你觉得呢
We should have a ceremony, don't you think?
按照纪念关系开始的方式
Commemorate the end of our relationship
来纪念咱们关系的结束
the way we commemorated the beginning of it?
我可不要邀请150个人和11个小木偶
I'm not inviting 150 people and 11 puppets
来一场大型晚宴见证咱们离婚
to a sit-down dinner to watch us get a divorce.
咱们要怎么告诉那位大和尚
How do we tell the Dalai Lama?
人家有自己要操心的事
He has his own problems,
比如中国国内的事
like China, for instance.
我得把它好好看一遍
I'm just gonna read it over.
为什么都是说好的
Why? It's already agreed to.
我知道我知道
I know. I know.
赶快签了吧
Get it over with.
我不想跟你吵只是
I'm not arguing with you. I just...
你就是在跟我吵
You are arguing with me.
我只是想确定咱们做了尽职审查
I just want to make sure we're doing our due diligence.
咱们的尽职审查已经做过了
We already did our due diligence.
咱们给了律师那么多钱做尽职审查
We paid the lawyer so much money for due diligence.
那咱们的尽职审查真的做了吗
Did do our due diligence, though?
不知道
I don't know.
杰夫我不明白
Jeff, I'm so confused.
以闭上双眼开始
"Begin by closing your eyes
去看你想要回到的那个时光
and seeing the moment in time you'd like to return to."
好了
Got it.
现在让自己置身于过去
Now surround yourself with the past.
都放到这张床上试试
Maybe put them on his bed.
然后呢
Now what?
刚刚是最简单的
"That was the easy part.
这个戏法如果你把它成为戏法
This trick, if you can call it a trick,
非常难以实现
is incredibly difficult to pull off.
它完全取决于一个东西
It all depends on one thing."
什么东西
What's the one thing?
就是
It's...
妈的
Fucking shit tits.
你觉得他找到了我藏的东西了吗
Yikes, you think he found my stash?
什么东西
What stash?
你怎么知道这里有扇门的
How'd you know this door was here?
每当我走进一个新家
Whenever I go into a new home,
我总会去找最小的那扇门
I always search for the smallest door.
每栋房♥子都有一个小精灵住在墙里
Every house has an elf that lives in its walls
掌管着暖气空调
and controls the heat, air-conditioning,
和业力气场
and karmic flow.
我很冷所以想要
I was cold, so I figured,
找到那扇最小的门
find the smallest door,
找到小精灵留个友谊的记号♥
find the elf, leave a token of friendship,
调整一下湿度
adjust the humidity.
哥们你的冰岛父母很操蛋
Dude. Fuck your Icelandic parents.
他可以有时空旅游
He gets time travel,
而我却不能拥有自己的精灵和仙女吗
but I can't have my fucking sprites and wall nymphs?
这房♥子与我的房♥子一模一样
This house and my house are identical.
所以如果在这个衣柜背后
So if there's a little door
有一扇小门
in the back of this closet...
那么
then...
对不起我来的这么早
Sorry I'm here so early.
没关系我去告诉他们
Not a problem. I'll let them know.
我希望在他来之前确定好
I wanted to make sure we cleared out
所有的跟我玩腌黄瓜玩偶都已经清理掉了
all the Play-With-Me Pickles before he got here.
我侄女的一年级老师
My niece's first grade teacher
看见我给了她一个模型
saw me give her a prototype.
我差点被逮捕
I almost got arrested.
我喜欢他那个联网娃娃的主意
I love his web-connected doll idea.
就像巧克力工厂的威利旺卡从电视机里出来
It's like Willy Wonka reaching through your television.
是啊我觉得以后
I agree; I think it's the future
由其他人来给你带娃是个趋势
of letting someone else raise your kid.
萨利说你在这儿
Sally said you were in here.
- 他们说你不会来 - 我没有我不在这儿
- They said you weren't coming. - I'm not. I'm not here.
我没来过听着
I never was. Listen.
关于那个鞋里的棍子我改主意了
I've changed my mind about the dick with shoes.
我觉得咱们就来做这个
I think that's the one we go with.
整个团队对于听我说腌黄瓜哇偶都很雀跃
The team's pretty ecstatic about the Listen-To-Me Pickles.
它会倾听
It listens.
给杰夫如此之大的权力
It's ludicrously unsafe
是不靠谱的很可笑
to give Jeff that kind of unfettered reach.
爸如果我说我看不见也听不见你
Dad, it would be dishonest to say
那就是在说谎
I can't hear and see you.
你该放手别管了
You need to let go.
杰夫你得想清楚
You need to think this through, Jeff.
要是有小孩用那个东西跟你打电♥话♥
What if a child calls you on that thing
并威胁说要自杀的话怎么办
and threatens to kill themselves?
那我就会去那帮忙
Then I'll be there to help.
好的
All right.
那如果有父母打电♥话♥说
What if a parent calls
想杀了你怎么办
and wants to kill you?
那就随他们
Let them.
你圣诞节的演讲让我们的节目下线了
Your Christmas speech knocked us off the air.
一件像这样的玩具会让我们的品牌下架的
A toy like this will knock us off the shelves.
那我们是什么样的品牌
Then what are we?
拍拍胸脯说得好听
Double-tapped in the sternum
却啪啪打脸的品牌吗
and triple-fucked in the face.
我们马上会回到公众的视野中的
We're gonna be back on the air soon.
节目不会重新回归了杰夫相信我
The show's never coming back on the air, Jeff, believe me.
我已经决定了
I've made the calls.
如今人们认为你有偏见热情都退却了
It's cold out there now that people think you have opinions.
迪尔德丽会搞定的
Deirdre's gonna get it done.
迪尔德丽会
Deirdre glues felt
让事情愈发严重的
to other felt.
她不会带领任何人成功的
She's not leading anyone to Jerusalem.
那为什么让她做主
Then why put her in charge?
并没有让她做主
She's not in charge.
只是她觉得是她做主
She thinks she's in charge.
只要我活着
As long as I'm alive,
那就是我做主
I'm in charge.
杰夫这是我仅有的工作
Jeff, this is my one job.
这是我的一切
This is all I have.
你不能让我落魄地离开我这个舞台
And you can't make me exit stage left pursued by a bear.
你记得吗
Do you remember...
我还小的时候
when I was a child...
我朝你脸开枪
and I shot you in the face?
记得
Yes.
你想说什么
Where are you going with that?
你该退休了
You should retire.