开玩笑

Kidding S02E06

Part 3 June 1, 2020, 3:53 p.m.

It's working.
他天天来接我
He picks me up all the time.
威尔我们该走了
Will, we gotta go.
我们要赶飞机
We gotta catch a plane.
去哪
Where are we going?
南海中部
The middle of the South China Sea.
妈妈问我在哪
Mom's wondering where I am.
说实话呗
Tell her the truth.
你的工作也太酷了
You have a pretty cool job.
你知道吗以后或许也会成为你的炫酷工作
You know, one day, this could be your pretty cool job.
什么意思
What do you mean?
我从世界各地精心挑选了
I've handpicked three of the kindest,
三个最善良的最无私的人
most selfless people from all over the world,
其中包括后面那位德国腌黄瓜先生
including Herr Gherkin von Deutschland back there...
来保护和培养世界各地的孩子
...to protect and nourish the world's children.
腌黄瓜先生们是被挑选出来的
Pickles are men and women
他们是具有高尚品格的男人女人们
selected for their high moral caliber,
不喝酒不吸毒不说脏话的人
a parliament of the righteous
组成议会
who don't drink, use drugs,
而且他们不会乱性
invoke bad or discouraging language,
只有在恋爱关系中
and they don't have sex
才会发生性行为
unless they're in a loving relationship.
类似牧师吗
Like priests?
对
Yeah.
当他们只服务孩子
But for children.
我在你身上看到了同样的善良
I see that same goodness in you.
我看到了你改变世界的潜力
I see that potential to shape the world.
谢谢
Thanks.
不管我和你妈妈之间发生什么
No matter what happens with your mom and I,
我永远是你父亲
I'll always be your father.
而你永远也是
And you'll always be both
皮奇里洛家的人
a Piccirillo...
只要你想
...and, if you want...
也可以是腌黄瓜小姐
a Pickles.
我们是家人
We are a family.
欢迎来到这个大家庭
Welcome to that family.
腌黄瓜先生们会变魔术吗
Can Pickles do magic tricks?
你可以当第一人
You can be the first.
需要我帮忙系上吗
Want me to tie that?
我知道怎么弄
I know how.
那是《分钟时事杂♥志♥》的工作人员吗
Is that the crew from 60 Minutes?
他们见过他最惨的时候
They've seen him at his worst.
他们也该看到他最好的时候
They should see him at his best.
很抱歉我之前说的那些话
I'm sorry for what I said earlier.
你真的比我想象的更出色
You're doing a better job than I expected you to.
这话怎么不经常说呢
Why do you have to qualify that?
底下见
See you at the bottom.
我们为深爱之人祈祷
We offer this prayer for our dear loved one,
基诺腌黄瓜先生
Ginoo Pickles,
离开了这个世界他将回归到您（上帝）身边
who has left this world and is returning to you.
当我们把这个人交给大海
As we commit this man to the sea,
水会通过孔灌进桶里
the water will fill the barrel's bunghole...
对就是这么回事
Yes, that's really what it's called.
我们的朋友会慢慢沉下去
...and slowly sink our beloved friend
到他最后的安息之地
to his final resting place
去到海洋圣地上
on the floor of the sanctuary of the sea.
一个伟大的丈夫顾家的父亲
A devoted husband, father...
背信弃义之人
Traitor.
一位伟大的父亲
A devoted father...
凶手
Murderer.
顾家的丈夫
...and husband
通过他的实际行动被世人所知
who acknowledged, by the actions that he took...
什么
What?
我在救生筏上等你
I'll meet you in the life raft.
我们每天都要起床
We have to get up every day
来一次信仰之跃
and take a leap of faith.
跃
Leap?
他可是从屋顶上被人丢下来的
He was thrown off a roof!
腌黄瓜先生拜托了
Se?or Pepinillo, please.
按照合同规定我们有义务重复你说的话
We are contractually obligated to repeat what you say.
你说话的时候是在代表我们所有人说话
When you speak, you are speaking for all of us.
你非要看到我们被你害死了才肯罢休吗
Will you not stop until you get all of us killed?
对啊
That's right!
瑞士腌黄瓜小姐不是这样的
Smorgas Gurka, that's not true.
没必要这样按喇叭
And you don't have to honk like that.
我相信这并非你本意中国腌黄瓜先生
You don't mean that... Chinese Pickles.
呃
Uh, uh...
对不起我忘了你名字
I'm sorry. I forgot your name.
抱歉我忘了你叫什么了
I'm sorry. I forgot your name.
他妹妹摸了我弟弟的鸡鸡
His sister touched my brother's penis!
现在他不见了
Now he is missing.
我连他是生是死都不知道
I don't even know if he is alive.
什么不我
What? No, I-I...
谁干的
All right, who did that?
谁扔的是谁扔的
Who threw that? Who threw that?
大家都先冷静一下
We all have to take a "calm me down" breath.
你♥他♥妈♥自己冷静去吧
How about a "go fuck yourself" breath?
停下
Stop!
停
Stop!
别吵了
Stop it!
闭嘴吧小屁孩
Shut up, kid.
我们不是这样的人
This is not who we are.
别做这样的事
This is not who we are!
如果你不是腌黄瓜先生
If you are not a Pickle,
那我就不是腌黄瓜先生
then I am not a Pickle.
腌黄瓜先生求你了别这样
Se?or Pepinillo, por favor, no.
我就要这么做
Sí.
胆小鬼
Coward.
爸爸
Dad!
- 我们怎么办 - 看啊
- What do we do? - Look!
我找到了一箱伏特加
I found a crate of vodka!
你听见了吗
Didn't you hear?
他们的神死了
Their god is dead,
牧师渴了
priests are thirsty,
这艘船就要驶向蛾摩拉（圣经中的罪恶之都）了
and this ship is about to dock in Gomorrah.
现在没有人能帮我们了
No one can help us now.
伏特加人人都有
Vodka for everyone!
不要啊
No. No.
我很抱歉带你来这趟旅行
I'm sorry I brought you on this trip.
我不这么想
I'm not.
我觉得我最终还是杀了人
I think I finally killed somebody.
不
No.
你没做错什么
You didn't do anything wrong.
你用和木偶唱歌♥的方式
You told the truth,
说出了真♥相♥
in song with puppets.
是地心引力杀了他
Gravity killed him.
谢谢你帮我宽心
Thanks for saying that.
爸爸我知道我这话很老套但
Dad, I know how this is going to sound, but...
一切都会好起来的
it's going to be okay.
所有的事
All of it.
我想我知道如何让一切重回正轨了
I think I know how I can put everything back the way it was.
你妈就要再婚了
Mom's getting remarried.
什么
What?
彼得要跟她求婚了
Peter is gonna propose.
事实上
Actually,
应该是现在正在求婚
it's probably happening right now.
不可以
No!
谁想看魔术表演
Who wants to see a magic trick?
我现在就要
I will now
将这个啤酒罐
make this can of beer
变没