开玩笑

Kidding S02E07

Part 3 June 1, 2020, 3:53 p.m.

我才不信他的鬼话
But I don't believe him.
宁可错信别人的谎言
Well, it's better to believe someone who's lying
也好过质疑他人的真心
than to doubt someone who's telling the truth.
谢谢你爸
Thanks, Dad.
你真是个好爸爸
You know, you're a good dad.
再把长的一边塞进去
So then you take that big long one,
就系好了
and then you're done.
你觉得下次能自己系好了吗
You think you can do that next time?
可能还得叫你来教我
I might have to ask you to show me again.
那就再来找我吧
Well, I'll be here.
你♥他♥妈♥谁啊
Who the fuck are you?
二三
And two, and three...
我们的婚礼就像美梦成真一样对不对莱纳德
It was the wedding of our dreams, wasn't it, Leonard?
我在你的宣誓中屈膝
Your vows brought me to my knees.
百合花散发着清香
The scent of fresh lilies.
阳光洒在你的脸上
The sunlight splashed across your face.
简直完美对吗
It was perfect, wasn't it?
我当时一直在担心鲑鱼
I was so worried about the salmon,
但它却成了大家的最爱
but it was everybody's favorite.
甚至贝丝婶婶都喜欢
Even Aunt Beth went back for seconds.
毕竟她那么挑剔
And you know how she can be.
贝丝是谁
Who's Beth?
你爱我吗
Do you love me?
我爱你直到永远莱纳德
I love you to the moon, Leonard.
我爱你到永远
I love you to the moon...
老婆
wife.
转
Spin!
你能每天做这些真是太幸运了
You're so lucky to do this every day.
现在托住我的腰深深地把我放下
now dip me like one of your French women.
嗨妈
Hi, Mom.
你认错人了我是路易丝
You're confused. I'm Louise.
嗨路易丝
Hi, Louise.
我是你的儿子
I'm your son.
不
No.
不是
No.
你才不是
I don't think so.
你要去哪儿路易丝
So where ya headed, Louise?
去一个让我快乐的地方
A place that makes me happy.
尼加拉大瀑布吗
Niagara Falls?
你怎么知道的
How did you know?
猜的
Just a guess.
我妹妹住在那儿
My sister lives there.
我真想和你一起去
I wish I could go with you.
不行我要自己去
No, I'm going alone.
妈♥个♥蛋的
Cock fucker!
奶奶个腿的
Son of a fuck!
我已经等不及
I can't wait to get out
- 远离你们家的这些破事了 - 麻烦快点
- of this fucking family! - Please hurry.
每次它一响就钻的更深了
Every time it sings, it goes up further.
你要塞的是小一点的中音酸果就不会这么麻烦了
You wouldn't have had this problem with the alto.
你在好时公园玩的怎么样
How was Hershey Park?
我和斯科特去过一次但是
Scott and I went there once, but...
他觉得那里闹鬼
he thought the room was haunted.
好时公园简直就是一个孩子气的噩梦
Hershey Park is an adolescent nightmare.
没法让人感受到一丁点的欢乐
It's not even ironically enjoyable.
虽然人们喜欢巧克力
Just because you appreciate chocolate
但也不代表一定会喜欢巧克力过山车吧
doesn't mean you appreciate a chocolate roller coaster.
但要让男人意识到即便喜欢巧克力也是有程度的
But filter "I love chocolate" through a man's brain,
真是太难了算了无所谓了
and... whatever, doesn't matter.
我不在乎什么都无所谓
I don't matter. Nothing matters
但我依然还是要探索前夫姐姐的阴♥道♥
except for the plumbing of my ex-husband's sister's vagina.
你出什么事了吗
Did something happen?
这东西是坐地铁钻进去的吗
Jesus, did this thing take the subway?
你怎么没带戒指
You're not wearing your ring.
我需要专注
I really need to concentrate.
威尔说皮特向你求婚了
Will said Peter was proposing.
是吗他什么时候说的
Oh, really? He said this
是在被绑♥架♥之后
on the plane ride back from being kidnapped
- 坐飞机从菲律宾返程的路上吗 - 不是
- to the Philippines? - No.
是在坐直升机离开渔船的时候
On the chopper, leaving the fishing vessel.
我跟皮特说我需要一点时间考虑
I told Peter I needed time to think.
- 你拒绝了吗 - 我说我需要时间
- You told him no? - I said I need time
是因为我确实需要
because I need time.
因为你还爱着杰夫
Because you still love Jeff.
我对那个男人绝对一点感觉都没有了
I definitely have zero feelings for that man...
- 完全没有 - 两位还好吗
- zero! - Are you two okay in there?
- 是的我们很好 - 我们很好
- Yeah, we're good. - We're just fine.
谢谢
Thank you.
来帮我签一下
Here, do this for me.
就是那个女人
Hey, that's the woman, her.
那是你的外祖母
That's Grandma.
你确定那是外祖母吗
Are you sure that's Grandma?
没人能忘掉第一任妻子
Ah, you never forget your first wife.
那肯定不是外祖母
That's not really Grandma.
我知道但她长得太像了
No, but she's a dead ringer.
那就过去说点什么吧
Go over and say something.
- 你呢 - 不用管我
- What about you? - Don't worry about me.
- 我不知道说什么 - 快去不然我就死给你看
- I wouldn't know what to say. - Go, or I'll kill myself.
打扰一下
Excuse me.
- 什么事 - 打扰了但是...
- Yes? - I'm sorry, but...
你和我的前妻长得太像了
you look exactly like my ex-wife.
你的搭讪词太差劲了
That's a terrible line.
我是塞巴斯蒂亚诺
Oh, my name is Sebastiano.
大家都叫我塞巴
Most everybody calls me Seb.
我想问
And I wonder, um...
你是否愿意和我共进一餐
would you have a meal with me?
正如你所见我现在有点忙
I'm busy at the moment, but you knew that already.
做完这些你应该吃点东西
You should eat after you do these things
要不然你会晕过去
or you'll pass out.
我已经有别的计划了
I have plans.
我明白了
I understand.
塞巴斯蒂亚诺
Sebastiano.
请讲
Yes.
给我一个取消计划的理由
Give me a reason to cancel my plans.
今晚睡前我可以给你一个
I'll give you one tonight.
明早起来再给你一个
And another tomorrow morning.
你这身西装让我想起了昨晚的梦
Your tux reminds me of a dream I had last night.
老天
Oh, God. Ha.
没什么比听别人说梦
There's nothing more annoying
更让人心烦的了
than hearing about someone's dreams.
这么说可不对
That's not true.
没人讨厌马丁·路德·金的梦
Nobody hated Martin Luther King.
指3K党种族歧视者等
谁说没有
Well, somebody did.
这种玩笑开不得
You can't make that joke.
滚你妈蛋
Fuck you!
你确定我们从没见过吗
Are you sure we've never met?
失陪一下
Excuse me for a moment.
等等... 我想跟你说点事
Wait a minute... there's something I wanna tell you.
我今天遭受了一次轻度中风
You should know that I had a small stroke today,
但我很好感觉完全正常
but I'm fine. I'm completely fine.
那真好
Glad to hear it.
男洗手间
怎么了
What?
你是否曾有过一种感觉
Have you ever felt that
突然间觉得人生
life is sometimes suddenly...
如此奇妙
so magical?
我有过
Yes.
但从你嘴里说出来就觉得好傻
But when you say it, it sounds stupid.
受什么打击了小男孩
What's beating you up, little boy?
我可能只是不想成为我
Guess I just don't wanna be me.