老妈撞入电视台（2017）

妈我得挂了 我到单位了
Hey, Mom, I gotta go, I'm at work now.
-我也是 -你好
- Yeah, me too. - Hi.
-你好啊老妈 -你好
- Hi, Mom. - Yeah, hey.
这不是真的星巴克咖啡
It's not real Starbucks.
你♥爸♥给我买♥♥了一台索菲娅·维加拉用的咖啡机
Daddy gave me one of those Sofia Vergara coffee machines
这样我就可以拿它煮咖啡 然后倒进
so I make it in that and then I put it
以前留下的星巴克杯子里 钱就省下啦
in old Starbucks cups. That's money in my pocket.
你准备好迎接你实习生生涯的第一天了吗
You ready for your first full day as an intern?
当然 凯蒂 肯定会很好玩的
Yes, Katie, it's gonna be so much fun.
就跟我陪你读了整个三年级一样
Like when I went to all of third grade with you.
我并不觉得有趣
Yeah, I didn't love that.
我也是 我的数学成绩居然刚及格
Yeah, me either. I got a C in math.
当然了 格雷格终于同意让我制♥作♥
Ugh, of course, Greg finally starts letting me produce
头条版块了 可今天却是整年最没新闻的一天
lead stories, and it's the slowest news day of the year.
如果你想找个好故事
Well, if you're looking for a good story--
别跟我说什么安琪在码头见了鬼的事了
Do not say Angie seeing a ghost down the shore.
我本来也没想说
I wasn't going to.
可是凯蒂 她真的看见鬼了
But, Katie, she really saw him.
老妈 这是我最重要的机会 明白吗
Mom, this is my big shot, okay?
我真的不想搞砸了
I just don't want to screw it up.
不会的 小南瓜
You won't, pumpkin.
你只要像我一样全神贯注努力工作就行
Just work hard and stay focused, like me.
你以为干着实习生的同时
You think it's easy juggling an internship
还要照顾你父亲容易吗 糟了
and taking care of your father? shoot.
我昨晚忘了给他做晚饭了
I forgot to give him dinner last night.
-还忘了送他去上课 -没错
- And going to school. - Yeah.
原来我昨天该做的是这件事 可恶
That's what I was supposed to do yesterday, damn it!
大家早上好 谁有什么比较好的题材
Morning, everyone. Who has segment pitches?
在开始之前 请允许我讲几句话
before we begin, I'd like to say a few words.
实习生不允许参加这种会议
Actually, interns aren't allowed in this meeting.
我只是想说
I just want to say
能来这里我超级兴奋
how excited I am to be here.
我还要谢谢格雷格雇了我
And I want to thank Greg for hiring me,
还有珀尔莎今早在电梯里
and, Portia for that great interaction
和我的精彩互动
on the elevator this morning.
也谢谢你 凯柔
And thank you, Carol,
对于黑人人♥权♥运动的独到见解
for your interesting take on the Black Lives Matter movement.
还有我女儿凯蒂 我的此生挚爱
And my daughter Katie, the love of my life.
她出生的时候 我得剖腹产...
When she was born, I needed an episiotomy--
好了 够了 别说了
Okay. That's good, that's enough.
-妈 -好吧 谢谢大家
- Mom. - Okay. Thank you.
看来今天我们没什么好播的新闻
Well, it seems we have a slow news day on our hands.
CNN在放《飞越长生》
CNN is just playing "Death Becomes Her."
我有个提案
I have a pitch.
你们知道青蛙卡米特喝沙士的那个表情吗
Okay, you know the meme of Kermit drinking root beer?
那你们知道说唱歌♥手普乐吗
Okay, well, you know the rapper Plerp?
算了
Whatever.
我还是继续重复楼市危机的新闻吧
I'll just riff on the housing crisis.
好吧 吉恩 你负责这个
Okay, Gene, you can produce that.
负责什么
Produce what?
-AP正在报道 -妈 你能不能别...
- The AP is reporting... - Mom, can you not--
黑熊在中♥央♥公园逃窜的新闻
A black bear got loose in Central Park.
这个我来
Yeah, I'll produce that.
不过它很快就被注射了镇静剂
But it was quickly sedated
关回动物园的笼子里了
and put back in its cage at the zoo.
没问题 凯蒂 给你了
Sure, Katie, it's yours.
没事的 亲爱的 听起来挺危险的
No, that's okay, honey, 'cause it sounds dangerous.
你确定你♥爸♥带你去检查过甲状腺吗
Are you sure you had your thyroid checked?
INS[国际新闻社]雇了一名新的通信主管
The INS hired a new Communications Director.
这个应该交给凯蒂 她有IBS...
Katie should produce that. She has IBS--
不是肠道病的那个IBS 而是那种你无法...
not the diarrhea kind, the kind where you can't--
IBS也是肠易激综合征的缩写
妈 他是说INS 你别捣乱
No, Mo--he said "INS"! Come on, Mom.
凯伦 专业点
Karen, try to be professional.
不能这么跟凯柔讲话
You can't talk to Carol that way.
我错过了什么
What did I miss?
凯伦有肠易激综合征
Karen has IBS.
我...
I--do--
老妈闯入电视台
第一季 第二集
简直是场大灾难
Well, this is a total disaster.
我妈刚才在会议上让我丢尽了脸
It's my mom, she just humiliated me in a meeting.
她还是把我当小孩一样
She treats me like a baby still.
你算幸运的了 我还得早当家
Well, you're lucky. I had to grow up too fast.
我十岁的时候就开始管理一家麦当劳了
I managed a McDonald's when I was ten.
是我想得太简单
I don't know what I expected.
意指过分关注孩子生活中的经历和问题的父母
她一直就是个直升机父母
She's always been a helicopter parent.
你真应该看看我刚开始学骑单车的时候是什么样
You should have seen the first time I tried to ride a bike.
没事的 小宝贝
Oh, it's okay, baby.
那台可恶的单车再也不会伤害你了
That evil bike is never gonna hurt you again.
戴夫 砸了它
Dave, smash it!
没问题 亲爱的
You got it, dear.
直到今天
And, you know, to this day,
我还是不会骑单车
I never learned how to ride a bike.
你看
You see?
这就是直升机式教育的问题
That there's the problem with helicopter parenting.
孩子会成长为情感发育不良的成年人
You end up with emotionally stunted adult kids
无法自食其力
who can't do anything for themselves.
不可能 如果我无法自食其力
No way, if I couldn't do anything for myself,
我的名字肯定还在我父母的保险单上
I'd still be on my parents' insurance.
可我根本没有投保险
But I don't have any insurance.
得了吧 你都不能自己一个人去逛街
Come on, you can't even get around the city by yourself.
去智利歌♥舞会你都能迷路
You got lost on your way to my Chilean dance recital.
所以我错过了
Yeah, that's why I missed that.
没事 我有视频
Well, it's okay. I have a video of it.
真棒
That's great.
我真希望她能放手让我好好做个成年人
I wish she would back off and just let me be an adult.
如果你真想独♥立♥自主
Look, if you really want to be an adult,
你得划清界限
you have to set a boundary.
你怎么能跟一个在浴室隔间挂上你的照片
How do you set a boundary with a woman
上面还写着"战胜IBS #我很骄傲"的
who posts pictures of you in a bathroom stall with the caption,
女人划清界限
"Stronger than IBS #soproud"?
就说你现在是她的同事了
Say you're her co-worker now
要她把你当同事看待
and you need to be treated that way.
就像我在麦当劳跟我弟弟说的一样
Just like I told my little brother at McDonald's.
你说得对
Yeah. You're right.
我会跟她谈的
Okay. I'll talk to her.
-谢了 贾斯汀 -你看这个
- Thanks, Justin. - Check this out.
我做了个很酷的空翻
I do a cool flip.
谢谢你们过来
Thank you for coming by.
很遗憾 我有些不幸的消息
Unfortunately, I have some rather difficult news.
提拔你的老头子去世了吗
The Geppetto who made you has passed away?
格雷格·威尔士
昨晚 《奇普奇特大报道》的
Last night, for the first time ever,
收视率首次超过了我们
"The Chip and Chet Report" beat us in the ratings.
天啊 我超爱他们的
Oh, my God, I love those guys!
他们既是联合主播 又是死党
They're co-anchors, but they're also best friends.
说到弗朗索瓦·奥朗德总统
And speaking of President Francois Hollande,
奥朗德督促针对气候变化采取措施
去年夏天我和奇特带着我们的妻子们
Chet and I took our wives on a cruise
去法国蓝色海岸来了一次航游
down the French Riviera last summer.
我们即将放出那次旅行的一些搞怪照片
A slide show of goofy photos from that trip
广♥告♥之后马上回来
after the break.
还有关于我们要不要一起养条狗的
Also ahead, the results of our viewer poll:
观众民♥意♥调查结果
should we buy a dog together?
-我希望他们能同意 -不要走开
- I hope they say yes. - Stay with us.
-你领带真好看 -是啊
- Yeah, that is a great tie. - It is a great tie.
《奇普奇特大报道》
广♥告♥结束之后咱俩换一下吧
We should switch ties after the break.
电视台觉得我们收视率下滑是因为
The network believes the reason for our ratings slip
观众们...
is that viewers...
-讨厌查克 -讨厌珀尔莎
- Hate Chuck. - Hate Portia.
祝你今后好运