老妈撞入电视台（2017）

I'm completely smooth, like a Ken doll."
你不记得了吗
Do you not remember that?
不可能
That never happened.
天哪 我都不知道该相信谁了
Oh, boy. I don't know who to believe.
行了 我们走吧
Okay, come on, let's just go.
可是凯蒂 我真的有生殖器啊
But Katie, I do have genitals.
别再提生殖器了 只会越描越黑
Stop saying "genitals." You're making it worse.
我只能把你留在这里了 查克
Oh, I have to leave you, Chuck.
这是另一个查克让我做的
It's what the other Chuck wants.
我做不到 怎么就狠不下心呢
I can't do it. Why is this so hard?
来吧 伙计 咱们走
Come on, buddy. Let's go.
好了 你在这上面很安全
Okay, you'll be safe up here.
我把你放在扬基蜡烛旁边
I put you next to the Yankee candles
因为我觉得你们有很多共同点
because I thought you'd have a lot in common.
真好 享受美景吧
Oh, that's good. Enjoy the view.
没人把我们的关系想歪真是让我松了一口气
Man, I'm so relieved no one had the wrong idea about us.
我也是 我讨厌流言
Oh, me too. I hate rumors.
在中学的时候 就有这样一条
In middle school, there was this one
关于我的谣言 说我身上有很多跳蚤
going around about me that I had fleas.
怎么不说是一只跳蚤呢
Try a flea, singular.
我看咱们没有什么好担心的了
I guess we had nothing to worry about, then.
他们觉得我们和对方或者任何人上过床
I mean, they literally laughed at the idea
这件事是个笑话
of us having sex with each other, or anyone.
这正是我们想要的 不是吗
I guess that's what we wanted though...right?
是吧
Right.
快回去工作吧
Oh, well. Back to work.
我们召开这次紧急会议
We've called an emergency meeting.
是想告诉你们 我们没有和对方上♥床♥
We will have you guys know that we are not sleeping together,
但我们可以上♥床♥
but we are viable candidates for it.
-好恶 -不是"好恶"
- Ew. - It's not "ew."
是"不错嘛"
It's "hmm."
我魅力十足
I am not unattractive.
我在咖啡馆里被女人搭讪了无数次
I've been approached numerous times in coffee shops by women,
而且只有两次是她们以为我是她们失踪的孩子
and only twice was that because they thought I was their lost child.
没错 而且你们只见过工作中的凯蒂
Yeah, and you guys only know work Katie.
却从未见过晚上
You've never met Katie after dark
头发与奶♥子♥齐飞的凯蒂
with her wet hair and her boobs all flying around.
这和工作毫无关系啊
This has nothing to do with work.
贝丝和贾斯汀经常眉来眼去 我们就很爱看啊
Beth and Justin flirt and we all love that.
我们就是《变♥态♥都市》里的凯莉和大斯洛夫卡先生
We're Carrie and Mr. Big Slofka from "Perv and the City."
-别闹 -你别闹
- Cut it out. - You cut it out.
-停下 -你停下
- Stop. - You stop.
你坏坏
You're bad.
你们知道谁会赞同我们的想法吗
Well, you know who doesn't think the idea of us is crazy?
珀尔莎
Portia.
她啥时候这么觉得了
Since when?
珀尔莎觉得格雷格对凯蒂就像是在带孩子
Portia thinks Katie is Greg doing a Mrs. Doubtfire.
真的吗
Oh, really?
可在珀尔莎被黑的邮件里
Well, in Portia's hacked emails--
我们是为了工作才看的
It's--That we looked at for work reasons--
她说 凯蒂和格雷格肯定有一腿
She said, "Katie and Greg are totally boning."
不 不 这个不 不行 这样不好
Nope, no, that wasn't-- Nope, that's not good.
天哪 我又点出来一张
Oh, my God, I made two.
让我来 那是在拉什莫尔山
Let me--Let me do it. Oh, that's at Rushmore.
-你能弄回来吗 -你们在干什么
- Yeah, can you fix that? - What the hell are you doing?
珀尔莎 我知道这看起来很糟
Portia, I know what this looks like--
但我们这么做是有原因的
But we were doing it for a very good reason.
我们想向大家证明我们很性感
We were trying to prove to everyone that we're sexy.
格雷格 这可不行
Greg, this is not okay.
邮件里有些东西是不能给别人看的
There are things in those emails that certain people cannot see.
查克在楼顶 他可能要跳楼了
Hey, Chuck's on the roof. I think he's gonna jump.
天啊 他可能看到了
Oh, my God, he probably read
我说他的那些坏话
all the terrible things I said about him.
大家都去哪里啊 是趣味跑吗
Hey, where's everybody going? Oh, is this a fun run?
虽然我脚关节不好 但我还是想要件T恤
Because my ankle hurts, but I still want a T-shirt.
查克在楼顶 他要跳楼了
Chuck's on the roof. He's gonna jump.
查克 我问你个问题
Hey, Chuck. I have a question for you.
-你是想... -要会飞还是隐形吗 当然是飞
- Would you rather-- - Fly or be invisible? Fly.
当然 这样没法偷偷进女更衣室
Sure, you can't walk right into the ladies' locker room,
但可以悬浮在天花板上啊
but you can hover near the ceiling.
不是 我是想问你是想
Yeah, nope, I was gonna ask if you would rather
让大家都知道你有个自己的蜡像
everyone know that you have a wax figure of yourself
还是想让大家都认为
or everyone think that you
你要准备自杀了
are trying to end your life.
-都不想 凯柔 -好的 下次知道了
- Neither, Carol. - Okay, good to know for next time.
你做了什么
what did you do?
我...我...
I...I...I...
查克 别想不开 还有大好的人生等着你
Chuck, don't do this. There's so much to live for.
比如说...他结婚了吗
Like-- Does he have a wife?
查克 别把珀尔莎的邮件放在心上
Ugh. Chuck, do not pay attention to Portia's E-mails.
她还以为我跟格雷格上♥床♥了呢
She thought Greg and I were sleeping together,
这都完全没有的事
which is totally not true,
但并非不现实
but not unrealistic.
-你在说什么 -你的邮件
- What are you talking about? - Your email.
"他们骗不了别人 格雷格和凯蒂肯定搞上了"
"They're not fooling anyone. Greg and Katie are totally boning."
那肯定是自动纠错功能
That must've been my autocorrect.
我本来是想说"格雷格和凯蒂非常无聊"
I meant to say "Greg and Katie are totally boring."
这还差不多
Okay, that makes sense.
现在我懂了 因为格雷格跟所有人都说
Now I get it. 'Cause Greg told all of us
他没有生殖器
that he has no genitals.
我也听到了
I heard that.
我可以很容易证明...
I can prove this to you very eas--
查克把楼顶的门锁了
Chuck locked the door to the roof.
什么 等等 我妈有钥匙
What? Wait, my mom has a key.
继续跟他说话 我去找她
Keep talking to him, I'll find her.
太丢脸了 我要怎么解释
This is humiliating. How am I gonna explain this?
要不我跟大家说这蜡像是我做的
What if I tell everyone that I made the statue
因为我爱上你了
because I'm in love with you?
我是用圆形奶酪上的蜡做的
I made it with wax from those little round cheeses.
你为什么不听我的把它扔了
Why didn't you just get rid of him like I asked you to?
不知道啊 它又不是垃圾
I don't know-- because he's not trash.
如果你去了《晚间新闻》
What if you get the "Nightly News" desk,
又需要他了呢
and you need him again?
不可能的 凯柔 木已成舟了
Not gonna happen, Carol. That ship has sailed.
如果对你来说太晚了 那对我而言又算什么
well, if it's too late for you then what does that mean for me?
你在说什么
What are you talking about?
或许就是因为这样我才舍不得扔
Maybe that's why I couldn't throw him away,
因为我不愿相信梦想有保质期
because I don't want to believe that dreams have expiration dates.
我是个60岁的实习生 查克
I'm a 60-year-old intern, Chuck.
我想成就一番事业
I want a big career.
我想有一天能上镜头
I wanna be on camera one day.
可是如果连你查克·皮尔斯
But if you, Chuck Pierce,
世上最棒的新闻主持人之一
one of the greatest newsmen ever to live,
都不能得到你想要的工作
if you can't get the job you've always wanted,
那我还有什么机会
then what chance do I have?
查克 还有大好的生活等着你
Chuck, there's so much to live for.
比如说宠物 孩子 如果你有的话
A pet, maybe, a kid, if you have one,
还有你想庆祝的节日
whatever holidays you celebrate,
或者能登上维♥基♥百♥科♥
being on Wikipedia, I hope.
-没用的 -得了吧
- What? That ain't gonna work. - Come on.
拜托你 别跳
Just please, don't jump.
我们都非常关心你 查克
We all really, really, care about you, Chuck.
等等 你听到了吗
Wait, did you hear that?
查克 我是贾斯汀
Hey, Chuck, it's me, Justin.
我只是想说你对我来说有多重要
Hey, I just wanna tell you how much you mean to me.
你知道 我没有父亲
You know, I never had a dad.
这家伙总是有恋父情结
This guy, always with the dad stuff.
但因为你 我有了个英雄
But thanks to you, now I have a hero.
你是激励我前进的动力 查克
You're an inspiration, Chuck.
我小时候 你来我学校演讲
When I was a kid, you came and spoke at my school,
第二天