亢奋特别篇（2020）

Why didn't you call me?
那你为什么不打给我
Ali, what am I supposed to do about Jules?
阿里 我该怎么和朱尔斯相处
It's funny. When I think about it,
这事我现在想来还是觉得可笑
I still blame Jules for all this shit.
我依旧觉得这都是朱尔斯的错
Why? I was clean,
为什么 我都戒毒成功了
and I was, like, gonna stay clean.
也打算要一直保持下去
And for the most part, I was pretty happy.
而且大部分时间里 我还是挺开心的
And fucking Jules.
然后朱尔斯他妈的
It's like she lied to me,
她骗了我
and, manipulated me.
让我任她摆布
Talking about how we're gonna be together forever.
说着我们会永远在一起的屁话
And then, she ditched me.
到头来却抛弃了我
I didn't know that.
我不知道这些事
Like the whole thing at the train station.
就火车站发生的那些事
Her trying to get me to run away with her.
她想让我和她一起远走高飞
Please. I love you.
求你了 我爱你
I didn't think she was actually gonna go.
我以为她不是真的要走
You know, like leave me.
不是要离开我
So, where do you want to start?
你想从哪里开始呢
I don't know.
我不知道
Okay. Why'd you run away?
好吧 你为什么想要逃离
♪ Baby really hurt me ♪
♪ 宝贝 你真的伤我至深 ♪
♪ Cryin' in the taxi, he don't wanna know me ♪
♪ 留我在的士上哭泣 他不愿知晓我内心 ♪
♪ Says he made the big mistake of dancing in my storm ♪
♪ 说踏入我的情感旋涡是大错特错 ♪
♪ Says it was poison ♪
♪ 还说这感情似毒药 ♪
♪ So I guess I'll go home ♪
♪ 我想我还是回家吧 ♪
♪ Into the arms of the girl that I love ♪
♪ 回到我心爱的女孩怀抱 ♪
♪ The only love I haven't screwed up ♪
♪ 我还未搞砸的唯一深爱 ♪
♪ She's so hard to please ♪
♪ 她是如此难以讨好 ♪
♪ But she's a forest fire ♪
♪ 就像森林里泛滥的野火 ♪
♪ I do my best to meet her demands ♪
♪ 我会竭尽全力满足她 ♪
♪ Play at romance, we slow dance in the living room ♪
♪ 浪漫满屋 我们在客厅慢舞 ♪
♪ But all that a stranger would see ♪
♪ 在陌生人眼里 ♪
♪ Is one girl swaying alone ♪
♪ 不过是一个女孩独自起舞 ♪
♪ Stroking her cheek ♪
♪ 轻抚脸颊 ♪
♪ They say, "You're a little much for me ♪
♪ 他们都说 "你让我难以招架 ♪
♪ "You're a liability ♪
♪ 你对我来说 只是累赘 ♪
♪ You're a little much for me" ♪
♪ 你让我难以招架"♪
♪ So they pull back, make other plans ♪
♪ 他们皆离我而去 另作打算 ♪
♪ I understand, I'm a liability ♪
♪ 我理解 我不过是个累赘 ♪
♪ Get you wild, make you leave ♪
♪ 让你疯狂 逼你离开 ♪
♪ I'm a little much for e-a-na-na-na, everyone ♪
♪ 所有人都如是说道 ♪
♪ The truth is, I am a toy that people enjoy ♪
♪ 事实是 我只是个受人尽情把玩的玩偶 ♪
♪ Till all of the tricks don't work anymore ♪
♪ 直到所有花招不再奏效 ♪
♪ And then they are bored of me ♪
♪ 他们便厌烦了我 ♪
♪ I know that it's exciting running through the night ♪
♪ 我也知道穿越无尽夜晚奔跑令人亢奋不已 ♪
♪ But every perfect summer's eating me alive ♪
♪ 每个完美盛夏 在你走后 ♪
♪ Until you're gone ♪
♪ 回忆都像要将我生吞活剥 ♪
♪ Better on my own ♪
♪ 我一个人会更好 ♪
♪ They say, "You're a little much for me ♪
♪ 他们都说 "你让我难以招架 ♪
♪ You're a liability ♪
♪ 你对我来说 只是累赘 ♪
♪ You're a little much for me" ♪
♪ 你让我难以招架"♪
♪ So they pull back, make other plans ♪
♪ 他们皆离我而去 另作打算 ♪
♪ I understand, I'm a liability ♪
♪ 我理解 我不过是个累赘 ♪
♪ Get you wild, make you leave ♪
♪ 让你疯狂 逼你离开 ♪
♪ I'm a little much for e-a-na-na-na, everyone ♪
♪ 所有人都如是说道 ♪
♪ But they're gonna watch me disappear into the sun ♪
♪ 他们会看着我消失在阳光下 ♪
♪ You're all gonna watch me disappear ♪
♪ 你们会看着我 ♪
♪ Into the sun ♪
♪ 消失在阳光下 ♪
Can we not talk about that?
我们能换个话题吗
Why?
为什么
I don't know. 'Cause it was just like a,
不知道 就感觉那是个
like a dumb, not-well-thought-out plan,
头脑发热的愚蠢计划
and I was, like, drunk and reacting to shit.
我那时候烂醉如泥 反应也很傻♥逼♥
Reacting to what?
什么反应
Come on, I, I really... don't wanna talk about it.
拜托 我真的... 不想说这个了
Okay.
好吧
What do you want to talk about?
那你想说什么
I think I want to go off my hormones.
我不想再注射激素了
Okay.
好吧
Have you been thinking a lot about de-transitioning?
你是经常会考虑停止性别转换吗
No.
没有
Okay. Then what is it?
那怎么了
I don't know. I've just been, like,
我不知道 我只是
thinking about what's next.
在想下一步要怎么走
In what sense?
哪种意义上呢
I mean...
我是说...
I don't know. I guess it's... I guess it's interesting,
我不清楚 我猜会... 总之会挺有趣的
'cause, like, before I ran away,
因为 在我离开之前
I had gone to the city to visit some old friends, and...
我已经去市里见过一些老朋友了...
we were having this exact conversation.
我们也聊过这件事
And...
而且...
Basically...
就感觉...
I feel like I've framed
我觉得我的女性身份
my entire womanhood around men.
都是围绕男性所构建的
When, like, in reality,
可我实际上
I'm no longer interested in men.
已经对男人没兴趣了
Like, philosophically.
哲学上来说
Like, like, what men want.
就是 男人想要的东西
Like, what men want is so boring.
男人想要的都太无趣了
And simple, and not creative, and, like...
简单还没创意 就...
I just, like, I look at myself, and I'm like,
就是 我审视自己 我会想
how the fuck did I spend my entire life
我这辈子他妈的是怎么
building this. Like...
把自己变成这样...
Like, my body, and my personality,
我的身体 性格 灵魂
and, like, my soul around what I think men desire?
都变成男人想要的样子
It's just, like... it's embarrassing.
就有点... 尴尬
I feel like a... a fraud.
感觉自己像个... 骗子
I feel like there's a lot to unpack
我觉得你刚刚这些话里
within what you just said, okay,
有很多值得分♥析♥的
but the main thing I heard,
就我听到的最主要的问题
is how hard you are on yourself.
是你对自己太过严苛
The amount of self-criticism you're experiencing,
你的自我批判
it's a lot.
太过了
Yeah.
没错
But I, I think it's necessary.
但我觉得这很有必要
Are you sure?
你确定吗
I mean, I hope so.
我希望是
Or else, then I'm really fucking crazy.
不然我真♥他♥妈♥要疯了
You're not crazy, Jules.
你不疯 朱尔斯
You're just a lot harder on yourself than you probably should be.
你只是对自己太过苛责
Yeah.
也许吧
Acknowledging that's important.
承认这点很重要
Yeah, but, but also, like, what I'm saying is true.
我知道 但我说的是真的
Like, without the self-criticism, I'd be lost.
没有自我批判 我会迷失自我
Or free.
或者更加自♥由♥
Both can be scary feelings.
两者都是很可怕的感受
You really feel like your entire existence,
你真的觉得你整个存在
physically and emotionally, is, is that reactive?
无论是外表还是内在 都是这种产物吗
What do you mean?
什么意思
That I'm not looking or talking to Jules?
我难道不是看着并和朱尔斯聊天吗
I'm looking at an avatar she created in reaction to the world?
我是在和她根据这个世界所创造的化身聊天吗
Yeah. Yeah. I'm here. You know.
嗯 我在这里
But you're looking at, like, a million layers of other people
但你看到的我 藏在我这一辈子
that I've grabbed and clung to
紧握或依附的人们的
throughout my entire life.
层层表象之下
That's, like, that's terrifying.
这很吓人
It... I mean, that's why I think
这就是… 我觉得
when I was talking to my friend about this, or...
当我和朋友说起这些的时候…
Or...
或者…