亢奋特别篇（2020）

And when I look back at it, you know, just,
然后每当我回想这段经历
it's like she lied to me.
就会觉得她骗了我
And, uh, manipulated me.
让我任她摆布
Right.
是
Like the whole thing at the train station.
就像火车站发生的那些事
Her trying to get me to run away with her,
她想让我和她一起远走高飞
even though I was, um, scared, and...
但我当时很害怕...
didn't have my medication... Just kind of fucked up,
还没有吃药... 她也不管不顾
and selfish.
有些自私
I didn't think she was actually gonna go.
我以为她不是真的要走
You know, like, leave me.
不是要离开我
It just kind of set something off in my head, you know?
这件事触发了我的一系列思考
Thinking about my whole life, how...
让我重新回想我这一生...
people make all these fucking promises.
身边的人是怎样许下这样那样的诺言
My mom kissing me on the forehead, and...
我妈妈是怎样亲吻我的额头...
telling me my dad's gonna be all right.
告诉我爸爸不会有事的
And Jules talking about how we're gonna live together
朱尔斯是怎样对我说她上大学以后
when she goes off to college and sleep in the same bed,
我们还会住在一起 睡在同一张床上
and be together forever.
永远在一起
And then she ditches me.
然后她就这样抛弃了我
'Cause she met another girl.
就因为她遇见了别的女孩
Just...
就...
made me think about how everyone lies.
让我开始回想大家都是怎么互相欺骗
It's not even the lies that hurt, you know?
其实谎言也并不足以伤人
It's the fact that you're never really emotionally prepared
事实就是 你永远都没法准备好
for someone to leave you.
接受身边人的离开
Just kind of messed up.
就是搞砸了
And it just started, like, this avalanche of shit,
就这样 像雪崩一样开始坍塌
about maybe I deserve it.
或许是我自作自受
Maybe this is the universe's punishment
也许是世界在惩罚我
for me being a piece of shit my entire life.
惩罚我做过的所有混♥蛋♥行为
Stealing from my mom.
偷我妈的钱
Hitting her in the face.
扇她耳光
That's what I've done, Ali.
这都是我♥干♥过的事 阿里
I have, I have hit my mom in the face.
甚至给了我妈一耳光
I picked up a piece of glass, and I pointed it at my mom
捡起一块碎玻璃 指着她
and I threatened to kill her.
威胁着要杀了她
That is some unforgivable shit.
都是些不可原谅的破事
Maybe I deserve to get my ass left
也许我就活该凌晨一点
at a train station at 1:00 a.m., you know?
被人扔在火车站 你说是吧
Drugs change who you are as a person.
毒品会让你变成另一个人
Every time I attacked my mom, I wasn't high.
每次我跟我妈大打出手 我都没嗑嗨
Drugs change who you are as a person.
是毒品让你变成了这样
It's still unforgivable.
但我依旧不值得被原谅
Nah. It's not.
不 不是的
Come on.
别安慰我了
If I actually believe that what you did was unforgivable,
我要真觉得你不可饶恕
I wouldn't be sitting here, because what I've done
我也不会坐在这 我曾犯下的错
in my life, is way more unforgivable.
远比你要伤人得多
Yeah, right. No.
是吗 我不觉得
Ah. I said it before. I'll say it again.
我早就和你说过 我再说一遍
You're playing pool with Minnesota Fats.
你跟我比就是小巫见大巫
Maybe if I was some random-ass classmate of yours
如果我是你班上那些毫无阅历的小屁孩
with no life experience, and I heard that you
听了你说的
picked up a piece of glass and threatened your mom,
你捡起块玻璃 威胁你母亲
I'd be like, "Ooh, that's unforgivable."
我会觉得 "实在是不可原谅"
But the more you believe that, the sicker it makes you,
但你越这么想 这事就越糟心
because every time you do something unforgivable,
因为每次你做这样的事
you think, "Why change? I'm just a piece of shit.
你都会想 "为什么要改变 我不过是个人♥渣♥
I better keep going. What's the difference now?"
就这样下去吧 有什么区别呢"
Without realizing that forgiveness is the key to change.
但你不知道 原谅自己才是改变的重点
We're too busy running around
我们终日奔忙
judging everybody's intentions and motivations
对别人的目标和动机指指点点
as if we have some insight into the human soul.
好像我们很了解人性
You know, "You did this, so that must mean you're that."
"从你的做法来看 你一定是这样的人"
Just give me a break.
给我省省吧
Ali, I picked up a piece of glass.
阿里 我捡起块玻璃
I pointed it at my mom.
拿它指着我妈妈
And I told her I was gonna kill her.
说我要杀了她
Right.
嗯
That's fucking terrible.
这感觉太糟糕了
But what's it mean?
但这说明什么
Means that I'm a piece of shit.
说明我是个人♥渣♥
Look deeper. I am.
再深入一点 我确实是人♥渣♥
Nah. You're not. Look deeper.
你不是 再想想看
Ali, that sounds like a tag line for a dumb fucking movie.
阿里 这就像那些愚蠢电影里的梗一样
So just because it doesn't sound cool enough to you,
只因听起来不够酷
you're gonna settle for being superficial?
你就要变得肤浅吗
That's unforgivable.
这才是无法原谅
Look deeper. What's it mean?
仔细想想 这意味着什么
That I'm violent to someone I love.
我对我爱的人很粗暴
Okay, okay.
很好
Why?
为什么
Because that's who I am.
因为这就是我
I don't know what that means.
我不明白
It means that I'm okay with that.
我是说 我接受这点
Are you?
真的吗
That's what it says.
从这件事来看
But are you okay with that?
但你接受了吗
No.
并没有
So, it's not who you are.
那你就不是这样的人
Yeah, well, I still did it.
但我还是这么做了
But why are you not okay with it?
那你为什么不接受这一点
Because it's a terrible fucking thing to do.
因为这事感觉太糟糕了
Why? Because it's shitty.
为什么 因为太操蛋了
It's cruel, and it's mean, and my mom doesn't deserve that.
这很残忍♥ 我妈凭什么承受这些
Those are all things you believe. Yes.
这就是你相信的东西 是的
And your beliefs are part of who you are.
你所相信的也是你的一部分
Yes, of course.
当然
So what you're saying is, is that you can
所以你的意思是
simultaneously do something that you also believe is wrong.
你认为一件事不正确 但同时也会去做
Well, doesn't you doing it mean more than your intentions?
这么做不是超出了本意吗
It all depends.
这也得看情况
Why are you ignoring all the things you believe?
为什么要忽视那些你相信的事
'Cause I wasn't thinking.
因为我根本没思考
Okay, but that could just be the struggle of all human beings.
但人人都会碰到这样的困难
What?
什么
Living up to their belief system.
为了达到他们所相信的
Not all human beings threaten to kill their mom.
不是所有人都会威胁要杀了自己妈妈
True. Yours is more extreme.
这倒是 你的例子更极端一点
I'll give you that.
我这么跟你说
But why?
但为什么呢
Why is it more extreme?
为什么我更极端吗
Yeah.
嗯
I don't know.
我也不清楚
Cause of, like, drugs, and... certain emotional disorders.
像是毒品 还有某种情绪障碍造成的
You sure it's that,
你确定吗
and not just because you're a terrible person?
不是因为你人品的问题吗
I mean, 'cause it could just be because you're a piece of shit.
也可能就是因为你是个人♥渣♥啊
No, it's not that.
不是的
I mean, 'cause there's a lot of people
有那么多人
with drug issues and emotional issues
吸毒成瘾 有情绪问题
that don't threaten to kill their mothers.
但他们也没有要杀了自己妈妈
Yeah, no. I know.
不是 我知道
But you did.
但你却这么做了
And your punishment, the sentence you're giving yourself
而你的惩罚 就是你给自己下了判决
is that you, Rue Bennett, are beyond forgiveness.
鲁·贝内特的行为无法获得宽恕
That punishment is way too harsh,
这样的惩罚未免太重了
and it's also way too easy.
同时也过于简单
It allows you to keep doing exactly what you're doing
这让你继续做同样的事情