亢奋特别篇（2020）

Well, I don't, I don't know. I guess this is, like,
我也不好说 这是
this is our first session.
这是我们第一次交谈
I don't want to get into all, like, the childhood bullshit,
我不想聊童年阴影之类的破事
'cause it's a lot.
因为一两句话说不完
It's exhausting.
让我精疲力尽
But when I was having this conversation with my friend,
但和朋友聊天的时候
we were talking about how, I feel like
说起我是怎么想的
my entire life, I've been trying to conquer femininity,
我穷尽一生想征服女性气质
and somewhere along the way,
但在半途上
I feel like femininity conquered me.
我觉得女性气质征服了我
What?
什么
What was that thought?
你是怎么想的
Well...
这个…
Like... Most girls, when you first talk to them,
就好像… 大部分女生 你第一次和她们聊天
they, like, automatically analyze and compare themselves to you.
大多数人会自动分♥析♥ 把自己和你比较
And then, you know, they, they search for where you fit
然后搜寻在她们的等级制度里
in their hierarchy,
你是哪一类人
and then they treat you accordingly.
然后以相应的方式对待你
What hierarchy?
什么等级制度
Like, how close you are to what they all collectively want to be.
就是你离她们心中的理想型有多近
Like, in their heads.
就在她们头脑里面
Right.
嗯
And, you know, even if they've, like, mastered
而且就算她们有意识地控制自己
the art of hiding it with, like, smiles and nods,
藏起刻意的微笑 点头
and small talk, it's, like,
和闲聊
you'd still catch them doing it.
但你还是知道她们在这样做
Like, like their eyes wandering over your face, or...
比如 眼神还会在你脸上游走 或是…
or, you know, the quick takes up and down your body.
或是对你的身体上下打量
Or like, they watch how your clothes hang off your torso,
观察你的衣服是不是合身
or, like, they look for what tags are on your clothes
看你身上衣服的标签
to see where you shop, or they'll watch your hands to find, like,
想知道你在哪里购物 看你的手上
fucked-up cuticles or chipped nail polish.
有没有长他妈的死皮或是指甲油有没有脱落
Honestly, it would,
说实话
it would be a kind of sensual experience
如果不这么吓人
if it wasn't so fucking terrifying.
这也许是挺养眼的体验
So they want to find flaws.
她们想找你的缺点
Yeah. Uh, most girls.
是的 大多数女孩是
But not Rue.
但鲁不是
What's the first thing that comes to mind?
你第一件想到的事是什么
No girl had ever looked at me the way Rue did.
从没有一个女孩像鲁一样看我
Hi.
你好
I just, I feel like Rue was the first girl
我觉得鲁是第一个
that didn't just look at me.
不单单看到我外表的女孩
Like, she actually saw me.
就好像 她能看到我的内心
Uh, I mean, not to say that in, like, a cheesy way,
我不是有意说得这么俗
'cause it sounds cheesy, right? Like...
这听起来挺俗的吧 就像…
Honestly, it sounds like a relief.
说实话 听起来你很释然
Yeah. It...
是的…
But, I mean, like, when I say me,
但我说的"我"
I mean, I mean the me that I was talking about earlier. Like...
是指之前提到的那个我 就是…
The me that's underneath a million layers of not me.
在层层伪装之下的那个真正的我
I can't imagine how that must have felt.
那感觉一定很棒吧
Yeah.
是的
Yeah, it felt good.
嗯 感觉很棒
Kind of reminds me of how a mom would see you.
这让我想到母亲是如何看到我们内心
Keep going with that thought.
继续说下去
Well, just like,
就是
how a mom sees you before you're anything.
在你还没长大时 母亲是怎么看透你的
And, like, loves you just for that.
还能就那样爱着你
And all you have to do is just, like, sit there and exist.
你什么也不用做 坐在那里就很好
Is that how your mom saw you?
你妈妈也是这样看你的吗
I, I don't know. I mean, like, the time we're talking about is
不知道 我是说 我们现在讨论的是
before you can remember anything. So...
孩子记事前发生的事 所以…
I don't know.
我不知道
Is that how you imagine your mom saw you?
所以你想象母亲是这样看你的吗
I hope so.
我希望是
Um, I take that back.
我收回那句话
Uh, I don't wanna talk about my mom.
我不想谈论我的母亲
I promise you, I have no agenda.
我保证 我没有计划
We can talk about whatever it is you wanna talk about.
你想说什么就说什么
I mean, uh...
我想说…
Yeah. Uh, I think I really wanna go off my hormones.
我觉得我得停掉激素
Okay.
嗯
Or... Well, not like everything.
或是… 不是所有的吧
Probably just my blockers.
就先停掉阻断剂吧
I have, like, this weird sci-fi chip implant in my arm.
我手臂里植入了个怪异的 像科幻片里的芯片
Supprelin? Yeah, and it, like,
醋酸组胺瑞林植入剂吗 是的
stops my voice from dropping.
它防止我的声音变低沉
Um, my balls from getting bigger, you know?
以及睾丸变大
The kind of shit that men wouldn't find desirable.
都是会让男人丧失性♥欲♥的鬼东西
I don't know. Uh... I've always thought of puberty
我也说不清 我总觉得青春期
as, like, a broadening,
就是全身生长
or a deepening, or like, a, a thickening.
声音变低沉 或者身体变宽厚
Which I, I think is, like, why I was always so scared of it, you know?
我就在想 为什么我总是这么害怕青春期
'Cause in my head, women were always, like,
因为在我印象里 女性总是
small and thin and delicate, and...
瘦瘦小小 柔软娇弱的…
You know, so, like, the thought of puberty, like this...
所以青春期…
irreversible, forever
是不可逆的
fucking metamorphosis was just, like, fucking terrifying.
永久变形 真♥他♥妈♥让人恐惧
And, you know, that, like, when it happened,
而且青春期结束后
I'd just, like, end up on the other side.
我就好像去了另一边
Like, stuck.
还被困住了
Or even worse, just, like, a man.
或者更糟 我变成了男人
Like, like, through and through.
彻头彻尾
And then femininity would always be this just, like,
女性气质总是
this, like, elusive, distant thing, you know?
像幻觉一样遥不可及的东西
Like, unreachable.
就好像 难以企及
But, uh, but then, I think about beautiful things
但之后 我想到了一些美丽的东西
that are also broad and deep,
同样是宽厚低沉的
and thick, and I think of...
我觉得…
something like the ocean.
海洋那样的事物
I think, like...
我觉得...
that I want to be as beautiful as the ocean.
我想像海洋一样壮丽
'Cause the ocean's strong as fuck.
因为海洋是那么强大
And feminine as fuck.
又极具女性气质
And, like, both are what makes the ocean the ocean.
这两样成功地塑造了海洋
My grandmother used to live by the ocean.
我祖母以前住在海边
And, uh, when we'd go visit,
我们去看她的时候
we'd go down to the beach.
我们会去沙滩
And, uh, I'd close my eyes...
我会闭上眼睛...
And I'd just swim, and swim.
我会游泳 一直游
And it didn't matter, like, where I was going,
游到哪 会发生什么
or what could happen.
都不重要了
Sometimes I'd pray to the ocean.
有时我会向大海祈祷
At least for me, being trans is spiritual.
至少在我看来 身为跨性别者是属灵的
You know, it's not religious.
无关宗教
It's not, like, for some congregation.
对教众来说也无关
It's for me. It's mine. It belongs to me.
只是为了我 是我的 它属于我
And I don't ever want to stand still.
我永远不想停滞不前
Like, I want to be alive.
我想活得真切
I mean, that's what this has always been about, is, like...
这一直就是生活的真谛...
staying alive.
就是活得真切
The only problem is, um...
唯一的问题是...
I might have lost Rue along the way.
我可能会在这个过程中失去鲁
What do you mean?
什么意思
Just that, like, I've, I've called her a bunch of times,
就是我给她打过很多次电♥话♥
and, um, she hasn't picked up, and...
可她都没接 还有...
Like, I think I... I think I really fucked up.
我想我... 我可能真的搞砸了
But, like, I was panicking.
但我很惊慌
Like, I was really panicking.
我真的很惊慌