丹尼将孤独终老（2024）

所以 我还需要了解你些什么?
So, what else do I need to know about you?
我说过的 至少第三次约会前不发裸照
I told you, no nudes until at least the third date.
靠 好吧 行
Fuck. Okay, fine.
呃 要不从最喜欢的颜色开始聊?
Um, should we go like, favorite color?
十岁以上的人还会有最喜欢的颜色吗?
Does anyone over the age of 10 have a favorite color?
你也太难搞了
You're so difficult.
他完全没意识到
He has no idea.
哦 你是什么星座?
Oh, what's your sign?
我...
I...
其实我不信这些
I don't really believe in all of that.
噢 我也不是全信啦 但星座能透露很多个人信息
Oh. I mean I don't live by it but, but I think it could tell you a lot about a person.
真的能吗?
Can it?
算了 我是白羊座
Alright. I'm an Aries.
我就知道
I knew it.
我是摩羯座 星座就是狗屁
I'm a Capricorn. Astrology is bullshit.
靠这行吃饭的都是江湖骗子 该以诈骗罪坐牢
Anyone that makes a living from it is a snake oil salesman and should be in jail for fraud.
至于那些相信星座的人
And anyone who believes in it,
我觉得他们离加入QAnon阴谋论只差两个YouTube视频的距离
I think is about two YouTube videos away from belonging to QAnon.
我实在懒得向任何人解释
I should not have to explain to anyone that the position
银河系里亿万星辰的位置
of the vast amount of stars in our galaxy
和你出生那天的命运有什么关系
on the day you were born in any way influences whether
更别说会不会去Office Max应聘那种工作了
or not you're gonna go for that job at the Office Max.
所以约会时要是有人问我星座 我会随便瞎编一个
And that is why on a date, if anyone asks me what my sign is, I tell them a different sign
因为不管我说什么鬼话 最后都会变成这样
because it doesn't matter what the fuck I say, it always goes like this.
天蝎座 我早该知道的
Scorpio, I knew it.
你简直是把处♥女♥座特质发挥到极致了
You literally couldn't be any more of a Virgo.
我就知道我会很快高♥潮♥
I knew I'd come quickly.
双鱼座永远这样
Always with Pisces.
因为星座这玩意儿纯属扯淡
And that's because astrology is bullshit.
没错我完全明白
And yes, I do understand
我正在做摩羯座最典型的事
I am doing the most Capricorn thing imaginable.
所以作为天秤座 这意味着我们超级合拍
So, as a Libra, that means we have great compatibility.
噢 所有天秤男都有九英寸大屌♥
Oh, all Libras have nine inch cocks.
啥?
What?
没什么
Nothing.
我觉得这很有趣 能让你更清楚地了解
You know, I just think it's fun and it can give you great perspective on
自己与他人的相处模式
how you relate to other people.
你做过本命星盘吗?
Have you ever had your birth chart done?
没 又要开始了是吧
No. And here it comes.
你真该试试
Well, you totally should.
那你的月亮星座和上升星座是什么?
So what's your moon and rising sign?
那部分才真正有意思
That's where things really get interesting.
抱歉 我得去洗手间
I'm sorry, I have to use the bathroom.
哦! 好的 当然
Oh! Okay, sure.
丹尼 洗手间在那边
Oh, Danny, I think the bathroom's that way.
我是说我公♥寓♥里的那个
I meant the one at my apartment.
当我重新开始约会时
When I first started dating again,
我直接屏蔽所有资料里提到星座的人
I actually refused to match with anyone who mentioned the Zodiac in their profile.
然后所有交友软件都开始搞这套
And then all of the apps started doing that thing
提示你附近已经没人可匹配了
where it tells you there's no one left in your area.
这基本就是在说
Which is basically their way of saying,
"嘿 骚货!
"Hey whore!
这些人都被你睡遍了 所以呃 该换个地方了吧"
You've already fucked all these people, so, uh, I guess it's time to move."
所以我不得不放宽筛选条件
So I've had to broaden my filters a little bit.
年龄范围调大点 身高范围放宽点
A little bit more on age, a little bit more on height,
还不能直接拒绝那些自报星座的
and then not immediately rejecting someone who says their sign,
虽然这暴露了他们全是智障
thereby revealing they're a complete moron.
看这个帅哥 完美 肌肉发达
See, look at this guy. He's perfect. He's muscly.
天 这纹身 这张脸
Oh, those tattoos, that face.
结果他非要说自己是金牛座
Then he goes and ruins it by saying he's a Taurus.
但说明我俩都是土象星座 宇宙的形成方式
But that means we're both earth signs and the universe certainly formed in ways
恰好让星座图案像地球上的动物
that they look like animal shapes of animals that are here on Earth.
如果我们星座的动物长得差不多
And if we're both born under ones that look kind of similar,
那显然意味着我们会很合——
that obviously means we're gonna get alon-
看到没? 只要稍微动点脑子就会变成这样
Do you see what happens when you give it one fucking moment of intellectual curiosity?
哇 他是攻!
Oh, he's the top!
统统原谅 右滑右滑右滑
All just forgiven. Swipe, swipe, swipe.
我通常不约首炮
I don't normally fuck a guy on the first date.
太疯狂了
This is wild.
没办法 谁让我是狮子座
What can I say? I'm a Leo.
哦 狮子和公牛
Oh, the lion and the bull.
听起来像那种重口味
Sounds like one of those weird
那些总会时不时蹦出来的Pornhub卡♥通♥片
Pornhub cartoons that always pops up occasionally.
我有件事得向你坦白
I have to admit something to you.
就是那群绿色小妖精轮番上阵那个红发肌肉维京人的那部?
That one where the little green trolls gang bang that ginger muscle Viking?
我完整看完了那部
I watched that the whole way through.
呕
Ugh.
不要妖精 我这辈子操够妖精了
No trolls. I fucked enough trolls in my lifetime.
要是有酒杯 我就和你碰杯
If I had a glass, I'd cheers you.
好吧
All right.
那我们下次做什么?
So what are we doing next time?
下次! 现在我知道他喜欢我了
Next time! Now I know he likes me.
呃 无所谓 我是说 只要包含这个环节就行
Um, doesn't matter. I mean, as long as this is part of it.
噢 那当然
Oh, absolutely.
你知道么 老是这样千篇一律
You know, it's just, it's always the same.
咖啡、电影、餐厅 呕
Coffee, movie, restaurants, ugh.
我想要点刺♥激♥的
I want something interesting.
比如说 你想去冲击国会大厦吗?
I mean, do you wanna storm the capitol?
呃 我是说 第一次约会就上♥床♥是一回事 但第二次就公路旅行?
Uh, I mean, fucking you on the first date is one thing, but second date with a road trip?
太疯狂了
That's insane.
有道理
That's fair.
其实呢 你知道 还有另一个选择
Well, there is, you know, this other thing.
继续说
Go on.
我周三要去纹新纹身 你想来的话可以一起
So, I'm getting a new tattoo on Wednesday and you could come if you wanted to.
我分不清这到底是全世界最性感的事还是最诡异的事
I can't tell if that's the hottest thing in the world or the weirdest thing in the world.
我也得纹一个吗?
Do I have to get one too?
除非你自己想要
Only if you want one.
你身上没有纹身对吧?
You don't have any, do you?
就一个
Just one.
如果你注意到的话 我肛♥门♥周围纹着"统御众戒"
If you noticed, I have, "One ring to rule them all" tattooed around my hole.
我是《指环王》死忠粉
I'm a big Lord of the Rings fan.
听起来很痛
That sounds painful.
那里现在已经没什么知觉了
Very little sensation down there anymore.
所以这肯定是你经历过最有趣的第二次约会了
So this has gotta be the most interesting second date you've ever been on.
你以为自己啥场面没见过
You think you've seen everything.
你该不会要纹和我一样的图案吧
Are you just gonna get my tattoo,
要真是这样 我希望那位艺术家懂精灵语
'cause if so, I really hope that artist knows Elvish.
不 我要在花臂上添新图案
No, I'm adding to the sleeve.
呃 真性感
Uh, so hot.
我准备把前任分手后那次塔罗占卜的牌面纹上去
I'm gonna get the cards from my last tarot reading after my boyfriend broke up with me.
噢糟糕!
Oh no!
酷 呃 牌面预示了什么?
Cool. Uh, so what did the cards reveal to you?
我这辈子算过很多次塔罗牌 但这次简直离谱
So I've had a lot of tarot readings in my lifetime, but this one was, it was wild.
准到可怕对吧? 我懂
It was too specific, right? Okay.
当时分手才没几天
So, it had been a couple days since we'd broken up
牌面显示我正身处黑暗
and the cards revealed that I was in a dark place
而当我走出来时就会找到真我
and then when I got out I was gonna find myself.
这也太具体太疯狂了吧! ?
How specific and crazy is that!?
我鸡皮疙瘩都起来了
Getting chills.
啊 这些玄学真让人上头
Ah, it's insane how all this works.
那么 这一切是怎么运作的呢?
And how, how does that all work?
你指什么?
What do you mean?
比如 塔罗牌
Like, tarot.
塔罗牌是怎么起作用的?
Like how does tarot work?
给我解释下塔罗牌
Explain tarot to me.
好吧 首先呢 我相信能量这回事
Right. So first, like, I believe in energy.
女士们先生们 这就是英语里最糟糕的句子
And that, ladies and gentlemen, is the worst sentence in the English language,
也是约会变质成人物研究的转折点
and is the point when this stops being a date and starts becoming a character study.
所以关于能量这玩意儿吧 你知道的 有动能
So the thing about energy is you know, you got your kinetic energy,
还有势能 这些我们都有科学依据的能量
and your potential energy, and you know, energy we have scientific understanding of,