丹尼将孤独终老（2024）

♪ 我吃下这颗药 这样就不会得艾滋 ♪
♪ I Take this one so I don't get AIDS ♪
♪ 再吞另一颗 防止谋杀或自杀 ♪
♪ And take another one to avoid a murder suicide ♪
哦 你好
Oh, hello.
看来你已经窥见我这几个月的感情生活了
So you've had a peek into my love life over these last few months.
要不要来个快速小复盘?
Wanna do like a little check-in?
从惨淡到想自杀的程度 你觉得我最近的约会前景如何?
On a scale of bleak to suicide, how do you think my, uh, prospects have been?
是啦是啦 我知道
Yeah, yeah, I know.
所以我觉得该请专业人士出马了
So I thought it was time to call in a professional.
我掏空了相当一部分积蓄
I have emptied a good amount of my savings
只为投资自己和未来的幸福
in order to invest in myself and my future happiness.
今天你将陪我一起参加
And so today you will be joining me
我和专业红娘的首次会面
on my very first appointment with a professional matchmaker.
懂 我懂 但交友软件都不给力 唉 我需要外力介入
I know, I know, but the apps aren't apping, and, ah, I need an intervention.
幸运的是 我现在有资本用钱解决问题
Fortunately, I am in the privileged position of being able to throw money at a problem.
那就开始吧
So here we go.
嗨 黛比 很高兴认识你
Hi, Debbie, nice to meet you.
哇!
Oh!
丹尼!
Danny!
哦 你可真是个甜心
Oh, you are a cutie.
反正你已经收了钱 黛比
You already have my money, Debs.
还挺幽默的嘛
And you're funny too.
知道吗 通常来找我的人都是根本约不到会的
Oh, you know, usually the people who come to me have problems getting a date.
这话可不鼓舞人心
Not encouraging.
哎呀 别这样
Oh, stop it.
听着 我给你物色了个绝配对象 所以你一丁点儿都不用担心
Look, I have got somebody perfect for you, so don't you worry one little bit.
我看过你的登记表了 想借这个机会
Now I have read your intake form, and I wanted to take an opportunity
多了解你一点 感受下你的个性 还有就是
just to get to know you a little bit better, get a sense of your personality, and you know,
顺便解答你可能有的任何疑问
maybe answer any questions you might have.
这样安排可以吗?
Does that sound good?
要不你先给我介绍下你们的流程?
Well, how about you walk me through your process?
好的 太棒了
Alright, excellent.
你购买♥♥的是我们的'完美匹配三人套餐' 包含三次单身男士约会
So you purchased our Perfect Match three pack, which gives you three bachelor meets.
我们会安排首次约会 并在每次约会后进行一次简短的反馈通话
So we'll arrange the first date and ask for a brief feedback call after each one.
如果你们双方想继续见面 我们就交换联♥系♥方式
And then if the two of you wanna meet again, we'll exchange contact information
之后就让你们自己发展啦
and let the two of you take it from there.
在被迫见这些人之前 我能先看看他们的资料吗?
And do I get to see any of these guys before I subject myself to them?
哦 每次约会前我们会安排介绍通话 我会给你讲讲每位男士的情况
Oh, well we will have an intro call before each one, and I'll tell you a bit about each.
但约会本身是完全盲选的
But the dates themselves are completely blind.
我觉得黛比根本不明白
I'm not sure Debbie appreciates the importance
伴侣的性吸引力对我未来幸福有多重要
of my partner's fuckability to my future happiness.
但我们有个小规矩——初次约会不能上♥床♥
But we just have one little rule, no sex on the first date.
呃...
Um...
丹尼 你听到了吗? 好像你画面卡住了
Uh, Danny, did you hear that? I think your screen froze.
没 没有 我 我在呢
No, no, I'm, I'm here.
现在来聊聊你的潜在匹配对象吧
So let's talk about your potential matches.
你对人种等级有什么限制吗?
Do you have any limits to race tiers?
人种等级?
Race tiers?
对 很多人希望找同种族或相近种族的
Yes, well, a lot of people desire a comparable race or something close to.
那我最低能接受哪个等级的对象?
So what is the lowest tier that I can dip into?
噢 我很乐意听听这些等级的构成和排名细节
Oh, I would be delighted to hear more about the composition and ranking of, of said tiers.
哎呀 你懂的
Oh, you know.
所有等级
All tiers.
她早把我的钱骗走了
She already has my money.
哦太好了 那年龄方面呢?
Oh, great. Okay, and what about age?
这个嘛 重点不是具体数字 而是呃
Well, it's less about a number and more, um,
心理成熟度至少要像35岁以上的人
gotta have the maturity of someone over the age of 35
身体素质不能比50岁的人差
and like physical fitness of someone no worse than 50.
哇 你可真开放 说实话这太让人耳目一新了
Wow, you are just so open, and honestly, this is just so refreshing.
好吧 宗教偏好?
Alright, religious preferences?
没有偏好
Preference for none.
棒! 这就简单了
Great! That's easy.
亲爱的 反正你们都要下地狱的
I mean, honey, if you're all gonna go to hell anyway,
具体去哪个有区别吗?
does it really matter which one sends you there?
说得好 黛比
Nailed it, Debs.
我们建议你花时间给未来约会对象写封介绍信
We recommend that you take the time to write an introductory letter to your future dates,
就是那种简短 甜蜜又真诚的小作文
you know, something short, sweet, and genuine.
我发现很多客户喜欢用更脆弱的方式
I find that a lot of my clients like to put themselves
展现真实的自己 我觉得这样真的很——
out there in a more vulnerable way, and I find it really-
绝对不行!
Absolutely not!
好吧
Okay.
行 呃 用四个词描述你理想中的另一半
Alright, uh, give me your description of your perfect match in just four words.
嗯...
Um...
哦
Oh.
呃 驴屌♥ 爹地 变♥态♥
Uh, donkey, dick, daddy, pervert.
呃 黛比 你屏幕是不是卡住了? 还在吗?
Uh, Debs, think your screen froze. You still there?
没 没有 我在 我在呢
No, no. I'm, I'm here.
我这就去给你安排第一个匹配对象 很快联♥系♥你
I will get working on your first match and be in touch soon.
祝你今天过得愉快
So you just have a great day.
好吧黛比 让我看看你找了什么人
Alright, Debs. Let's see what you got.
嗨 黛比
Hi, Debbie.
听着丹尼 你的第一个匹配对象让我特别兴奋
Okay, Danny, so your first match is someone who I am really excited about.
他叫塞斯 在文学圈很有成就
His name is Seth, and he's very accomplished in literary circles.
之前我给他介绍过几个对象 后来发现他需要的是
Um, I placed him with a few guys in the past, and I came to realize that he needs someone
更有 呃 棱角的人
who's got more of, um, edge.
他非常英俊
He's very handsome.
带点少年感的魅力 眼睛会发光那种
Kind of a boyish charm, little twinkle in the eye.
我觉得你们会特别合拍
And I think the two of you would get along really well.
我猜你就是塞斯吧
I'm gonna take a wild guess and say you're Seth.
丹尼
Danny.
哇哦
Wow.
黛比这次真超常发挥了
Debbie's really outdone herself.
你要是再解一颗扣子
You unbutton any more of those buttons,
我就把脸埋进去
I'm gonna stick my face in there.
黛比说过第一次约会不能上♥床♥
Debbie said we're not supposed to have sex on the first date.
不代表我不能让你想要
Doesn't mean I can't make you want it.
操 太棒了黛比
Fuck yes, Debbie.
你不是自带大雕气场嘛
Don't you have big dick energy.
还有实打实的硬件撑腰 待会你就知道了
And the equipment to back it up. You'll see.
我们去入座?
Should we get our table?
会是个小型婚礼 嗯哼!
It'll be a small wedding, hmm!
所以...
So...
你不打算要我的电♥话♥号♥码?
You gonna ask for my number?
我以为得让黛比来牵线呢
I thought we're supposed to let Debbie do that.
去他妈的黛比
Fuck Debbie.
尺寸?
Number?
喔 八寸 八寸半(21cm)
Ooh, eight, eight and a half.
整长九寸(23cm) 电♥话♥号♥码?
Nine from the base. Phone number?
我愿意
I do.
黛比 不知道你从哪儿挖来这哥们 但他他妈完美到爆
Debs, I don't know where you found this guy, but he's fucking perfect.
又帅又甜 还是个彻头彻尾的坏种 我太吃这套了
He's handsome, he's sweet, he's a total scoundrel, and I'm here for it.
二次约会 现在立刻二次约会
Second date. Second date now.
噢丹尼这太棒了 我真高兴你们处得来
Oh, Danny, that's amazing, and I'm so happy you had a great time.
不过可惜的是
Okay, so unfortunately,
赛斯觉得你们不合适 所以婉拒了第二次约会
Seth didn't think it was a match, so he's passing on a second date.
啥?
What?
别泄气啊丹尼
No, don't get discouraged, Danny.
这情况很常见 对我可是宝贵信息
This happens all the time, and it's great information for me
因为现在我知道你适合哪种类型
because now I know what kind of guy-
他主动要了我电♥话♥
He asked for my number.
其实赛斯最后决定和前男友复合试试
Well, Seth ultimately decided he's gonna give it another go with his ex.
听着 很多时候客户来找我是想看看市场上有什么选择
Look, a lot of times clients come to me to see what's on the market, and after they do,
可他们逛了一圈后 反而觉得还是原来的好
they decide they had it better off before.
太丧了黛比! 这话说得真丧!
Bleak, Debbie! That's bleak.
不过好消息是我已经给你物色到第二个匹配对象了
Well, the good news is that I've already got a second match for you.
他叫罗恩 靠金融业赚足了钱
His name is Ron and he made all of his money in finance,
现在转行当健身教练了
so now he is pursuing a career in fitness training.
所以你会注意到他大部分时间都泡在健身房♥里
So he spends a lot of time in the gym, which I think you're gonna notice first off.
而且他空窗期挺长 这次是认真想找稳定关系的
And he's looking for something serious after being off the market for a while.
好吧 你现在加入我们时这场煎熬已经持续一小时了
Alright, so you're joining us about an hour into this slog.
罗恩长得有多帅就有多无趣
Ron is as handsome as he is boring.