丹尼将孤独终老（2024）

七分男的生活 好吧 八分 如果我没浮肿的话
Life of a seven. Well, eight, if I'm not bloated.
关于同志场所你可能不知道的是 只要你是六分
What you may not know about gay spaces is that as long as you're a six,
你踏进同志酒吧的那一刻就代表你明确同意被任何人随时骚扰
your very entry into a gay bar is your explicit consent to be molested at any time by anyone.
而我实在不喜欢在欢乐时光被陌生人当门铃按屁♥眼♥
And because I don't particularly enjoy having my asshole rung like a doorbell
所以很少去酒吧
by a stranger at happy hour, I rarely frequent the bars.
除非是表演 就像刚才 这就是为什么我现在在这儿 被提醒着
Unless I'm performing, which I just did, which is why I am here now, being reminded
哈维·韦恩斯坦和同志的唯一区别就是一杯伏特加苏打水的距离
that the only difference between Harvey Weinstein and a gay person is exactly one vodka soda.
你耳朵真小
You have such tiny ears.
希望这玩意儿不会也这么小
I hope that doesn't mean this is tiny too.
好吧 我们认识吗?
Okay. Do I know you?
你真差劲 - 我知道
You're awful. - I know.
嘿 交到新朋友了?
Hey, you are making some new friends?
这位我确实认识 和大多数人一样
Now this guy, I do know, like most people,
我尽量避免眼神接触引发的拒绝
I try to avoid the possibility of eye to eye rejection.
所以在酒吧时
And so when I am at a bar,
我大部分时间都在刷交友软件
I try to spend most of my time cruising the apps.
一小时前就在上面认识了保罗
And that's where I met Paul about an hour ago.
他出现在十二英尺外的网格上
Showed up on the grid about 12 feet away.
他打招呼 我回礼 我们交换了生殖器照片
He said hi, I said hi, we exchanged pictures of our genitals
现在我要试试能不能让他离我
and now I'm gonna see if I can get him to be at least
至少负八点五英寸远
negative eight and a half inches away from me.
怎么说呢? 我这人就是有磁性
What can I say? I just have a magnetic personality.
哦 你本可以直接过来打招呼的
Oh, you know, you could have just come over and said hi.
但那样我就失去主动权了 这可不是我的风格
But then I wouldn't be in the power position and that is very unlike me.
直觉告诉我你很适应顺从的姿态
Something tells me you take well to a submissive position.
呃啊 我完全扩张了
Ugh, I'm fully dilated.
可以吗? - 操 又是这种类型
May I? - Oh fuck, he's one of these,
不知道是因为疫情期间整天泡在自己的污秽里还是怎样
I don't know if it was sitting around in our own filth during the pandemic or what,
但最近几年我注意到恋腋癖的数量在惊人增长
but I've noticed a disturbing increase in the amount of pit pigs in recent years.
而你居然涂了除臭剂
And you're wearing deodorant.
我知道 我出门了嘛 - 真遗憾
I know, I left my house. - It's a pity.
我打赌你体香很好闻
I bet you smell really nice.
确实 要感谢刚才提到的除臭剂
I do. Thank you to aforementioned deodorant.
不 我是说你的体味 你自然的荷尔蒙气息
No, I mean your smell, your natural scent.
我打赌你的汗液也很美味
I bet your sweat is pretty good too.
没错 我的内♥裤♥痕迹在西欧可是珍馐
Yeah, my skid marks are delicacy in Western Europe.
倒不是要来扫谁的兴
So I'm not really here to yuck anybody's yum
但至少我很沮丧自己花了
But at the very least I'm frustrated that I spent
那么多年拔毛剃须精心打理
all of those years plucking and shaving and grooming
涂乳液喷香水全都白费功夫
and lotioning and perfuming and it was all a waste.
我哪知道将来同性恋们最强的勃起
How was I to know that in the future, gay people would get their best erections
会来自街友的顺风体味?
standing downwind of an unhoused person?
往好处想 光是洗澡每周就能省八小时
Being a bright side I could probably save eight hours a week in baths alone.
不行 要是那么做
No, but if I do that
我这辈子都别想上《观点》节目了
I will never be called up on "The View."
我们刚才说到哪儿了?
What were we talking about again?
我只是觉得可悲 我们被社会洗♥脑♥
I just think it's a shame that we've been programmed by society
憎恨自己所有天然的特质
to hate everything natural about ourselves.
比如我们的体重 肤色 体毛 天生的体味
Like our body weight, our complexion, our body hair, our natural smell.
我是说那味道就是你 它代表真实的你
I mean that smell is you. It's who you are.
我觉得你天然的样子很性感 这很糟糕吗?
Is it so bad that I find you attractive as you naturally are?
噢 这话还挺甜的 对吧?
Oh, that's kind of sweet, right?
好吧 或许我可以试试
Okay, maybe I could do this.
呃 至少这地方看起来
Well, I mean, at the very least, this place seems
像是新冠培养皿 所以我大概会彻底
like a breeding ground for Covid, so I'll probably lose
丧失嗅觉 问题就解决了
my sense of smell entirely and problem solved.
嘿听着 我赶时间 但这周末联♥系♥我 说不定能让你
Hey look, I got a thing to run to, but hit me up this weekend and maybe I can get
汗流浃背地验证我的理论
you all nice and sweaty and test out my theory.
嗯 我怎么能阻碍科学探索呢?
Hmm, who am I to stand in the way of science?
好吧 行吧
Okay, all right.
是龙舌兰 我还没那么混♥蛋♥
It's tequila, I'm not a total asshole.
♪ 若你年近四十不想显露痕迹 ♪
♪ If you're about to turn 40 and don't want it to show ♪
♪ 先美白牙齿 再漂白后♥庭♥ ♪
♪ You need to whiten your teeth, then whiten your hole ♪
哦
Oh
嘿
Hey.
今早我硬得难受 翻完你的相册后
So I woke up really hard and I've been looking at your album
现在只想让你过来
and now I just want you to come over.
啊好吧 我只当接待方 不单是因为我懒
Ah, okay, so I'm a host only and it's not just because I'm lazy,
更因到这个年纪 我发现没有男人值得我踏出公♥寓♥
but also because at this age I have found that no man is worth leaving my apartment for.
打电♥话♥?
A phone call?
要是用短♥信♥安排 观众看着多没意思
Well, this isn't very entertaining for them if we arrange this through text.
所以咱们暂且抛开常识
So let's suspend our disbelief.
他们?
Them?
所以 虽然我很想今早来一发
So, as much as I would like to hook up this morning,
但我现在得去健身房♥ 哦对了 一点还要和朋友吃早午餐
I have to go to the gym now and oh, and then I have brunch with my friends at 1:00.
所以我不确定能不能
So I'm not sure if I'll be able to make it
先赶去你那儿再折返回来还赶得上早午餐
all the way to you and then make it all the way back and then still make the brunch.
这种借口只有接待方才会用
And that friends is a host only lie.
我授权你随便用
I give you full permission to use.
反正除了我屁♥眼♥的形状外他对我一无所知
And because he knows nothing about me, aside from the shape of my asshole,
根本不会发现我周末从不健身 更没有朋友
he has no way of knowing that I don't go to the gym on weekends, nor do I have friends.
不过我现在欲♥火♥焚身 所以...去你那儿也行?
I'm pretty horny though, so, yeah, I'm okay coming over to your place if that's cool?
嗯 完美
Hmm. Sounds perfect.
但既然是我大老远过去 能请你帮个忙吗?
But since I am traveling and all, can I ask you to do something for me?
靠 我连套都没带
Oh, I don't even have condoms.
巧了 我也没
No, me either.
健身完别洗澡就行
Just don't take a shower after the gym.
我想说 我本来就没打算用除臭剂 因为
I mean, I was already planning on not wearing deodorant since you've expressed desire
你之前说想靠体味追踪我像找松露的猪 但是-
to track me like a truffle pig, but-
对 千万别用除臭剂也别洗澡 就穿着你的健身服来
Yeah, definitely no deodorant and don't even shower, just have your gym clothes on.
我知道你觉得这样很辣 但我不确定自己会不会有感觉
I know you find that sexy, but I don't know if I'll feel sexy if-
想灌肠可以灌 只要别洗澡就行
You can douche if you want to, but just as long as you don't take a shower.
你刚是说灌肠可省略?
Did you just infer that douching is optional?
怎么去健身房♥?
How you getting to the gym?
哦对现在得去健身 啊这该死的谎言
Oh, I have to go to the gym now. Ah, curse you lie.
不知道 可能骑共享单车吧
I don't know. Probably just a bike share.
哦耶 这可真带劲 老兄
Oh yeah, that's really hot, man.
对啊 为了我好好用自行车座摩擦你的屁♥股♥行吗?
Yeah just grind your ass on that bike seat really good for me will you?
有没有可能搭公交去?
Is there any way you can take a bus?
我就不洗澡了 就这样
I will forego the shower. That is all.
好吧 挺酷的
All right, that's cool.
这样 把你地址发我 我大概一小时到
You know, text me your address and I'll get there in like an hour.
待会儿尝尝你 小骚货
Taste ya soon, sexy.
嗷
Aw.
啊伙计 你可真够味儿
Ah dude, you're so ripe.
有意思 我感觉自己烂透了
It's funny. I feel pretty rotten.
汗津津的小子
Sweaty boy.
啊 我就说嘛 尝起来真棒 咸滋滋的
Ah, I was right, tastes so good, so salty.
大概因为我身体在哭泣吧
Probably 'cause my body is crying.
那个屁♥股♥也湿漉漉的很带感吧?
That ass nice and sweaty too?
应该是 - 对 太他妈对了 让我瞧瞧
Probably. - Yeah, fuck yeah, let's see.
是啊 别剃毛了 别修剪你阴毛了
Yeah, top shaving. Stop trimming your pubes.
没错 屁♥股♥像双倍"勇敢者游戏"的灌木丛
Right, ass double "Jumanji" bush.
现在咱们能直奔主题了吗?
Now can we please just get to it?
因为我真的 哦操 爽
'Cause I really- - Oh fuck, yeah.
太棒了 老天爷啊
So good. Good Lord.
你有鹰嘴豆泥吗? - 啥?
You have any hummus? - What?
你薄荷味真重
You're just so minty.
好吧 行 没事儿 我们会把你弄过去的
Okay, all right, it's cool, we'll get you there.
狼说道 - 啊 你可真安静宝贝
The wolf says- - Ah, you're so quiet baby.
你可真不害臊 - 啊对 直接来吧
You sure aren't. - Ah, yeah, just get into it.
我会让你放纵的 嗯 啊 做回野兽般的自己
I'll let yourself go, mm, ah, be the animal you are.
嗷呜 汪 汪
Woof, bark, bark.
啊 这就对了 哦 太舒服了
Ah, that's the stuff. Oh, that's so nice.
哦 我快射了 你要来了吗?
Oh, I'm so close. You gonna come?
不 - 真的?
No. - Really?
没事 咱们慢慢来完事吧
It's fine. Let's just bring it around home.
啊 给 这个能助兴
Ah, here, this'll help.
哦 我瞎了 - 哦对
Oh, I'm blind. - Oh yeah.
自从咱俩见面我就没洗过澡
I haven't showered since we met.