杀妻同盟军

好吧 各位
Okay, everybody
大家好
Hello Hi
感谢大家的到来
Thanks for coming.
今天 对我来说是一个非常特殊的日子
Um, so this is a really big day for me.
呃 至少在我眼里是这样的
Uh, I guess. Well, duh.
因为今天是我独生子的洗礼仪式
Bcause it's my only son's baptism.
呀哈 噢 噢
Yay. Ooh ooh
嗯
Um...
我喜欢贴纸
I love paper.
没错这就象征着我的热情
I do. It's, like, my passion.
而且我一直都希望拥有自己贴纸
And I've always wanted to own my own papiere.
不是说你们觉得如何因为我没...
Not that you care, because I don't...
我没有把它告诉任何人
I don't tell people that,
因为人们总是窃取别人的想法
because people steal idea all the time
在我身上这种情形发生过很多次了
It's happened to me numerous occasions with...what?
-啊 -你说什么
-Huh? -What did you say?
-你刚刚说了些什么 -我没有说话
-You just said something. What? -I didn't say anything.
-不 你说了你发出了点噪音什么的 -我
-Yes, you did. You made, like, a noise or something. -I...
不管是什么
Whatever.
很好
Great.
呃
Um...
-天啊呃 -你是想说
-God, um... -You were saying?
我知道我在说什么
I know what I'm saying
我知道我在说什么 让我把它说完
I know what I'm saying. Just let me say it.
我早就把所有关于上帝的爱的还有教父的贴纸
I had this whole thing prepared about god and paper and love
话题都准备好了 本来可以一气呵成的
And godparents, and it was all tied in together.
结果现在不行了
Now I can't do it now. I can't do it now.
所以呃
So, um...
要不你来说说
You know what? You can say something.
沃德
Ward
-快起来发言 -好的好的
-Say it. -Okay. Okay.
我来把蛋糕装到碟子上
I'll just plate the cake.
-我们要谢谢 -不 不是"我们" 沃德
-We would like to thank... -no, not "we", ward.
我想要说一些话 但是你破坏了它
I wanted to say something, and you ruined it.
你没有让我把它说出来 所以现在你自己摆平
You didn't let me say it so now it's on you.
你自己说吧你这个混♥蛋♥
You can fucking say something, You asshole.
谢谢大家的到来 呃
Thank you all for coming. Uh...
-我们已经准备好蛋糕了 -是的
-We've got cake -Right.
我真想用那蛋糕
I just wanna smash her fucking face
打在她那张令人讨厌的脸上
Right in that fucking cake.
我非常用心地去演讲
I put my heart into that speech,
-却被你破坏了 -亲爱的我没有说
-and you ruined it -Honey. I didn't say...
你就这样由着她
You gonna let her up?
我不会的 去她的
I wouldn't. Fuck her.
你确定不在你的背包里吗
Are you sure, it's not in your bag?
是的 亲爱的 我确定 你说在洗手间看到过它
Yeah, honey, I'm sure. You said you saw it in the bathroom?
我没有说啊
I never said that.
你太紧张了
You're nervous.
不 我不紧张 只是兴奋而已
No, I'm not...I'm not nervous, I'm excited.
那可是罗宾·彼得斯的 你知道吗
I mean, it's robin peters, you know?
我甚至都不记得她最后参加的是件什么事儿了
I don't even remember the last thing she was in.
她最近看起来怎样
How does she look these days?
太好了 在这呢
Well, here.
真是太好了
Pretty good.
嗯
Hmm.
你觉得她有隆胸吗
Do you think she has implants?
也许我应该去隆胸
Maybe I should get implants.
可能她需要 但你不需要
Maybe her, not you.
好吧 这看起来好像是
Well, it looks like it.
要不稍微隆一下 看你能看出来不
See if you can tell, but don't be obvious.
你能让我你息一下吗
Can you give me a break?
亲爱的 我已经在那里找过了
Babe, I checked there.
哈
Huh.
好吧 谢谢你
Well, thank you.
好了
All right.
我爱你 晚点见
I love you. I will see you later.
我也爱你
I love you too.
也许我们今晚应该做些有爱的事情
Maybe we can do some loving tonight?
可以啊 好的
Yeah. Okay.
莉莉快点 亲爱的 我们该出门了
Lily, come on, honey. We gotta move.
你好 是的 噢
Hello? Y...oh.
不好意思 嘿
Sorry. Hey
呃 是的 是的 我都弄好了
Uh, yeah, yeah. I got it all.
拿了她的午餐零食 把她所有东西都带上了
Got her lunch, her snack, got all her shit.
什么 她听不到我说话的 她在别的房♥间 嘘嘘
What? She can't hear me. She's in the other room. Shh, shh.
我在这里
I'm right here.
她就在拐角处 好了 我们马上到
She just rounded the corner. We got it. We'll be there.
-叛徒 -大嘴巴
-Traitor. -Potty mouth.
-亲爱的 -再说一次
-Honey... -again
鸡肉卷 全白的
ChicKen wrap, all white,
不要西红柿加辣酱
No Tomato, salsa...extra salsa.
涂到侧边
On the side
又忘了要涂到侧边
Christ on the side
涂到侧边 我懂了宝贝
On the side. I got it, babe.
早上好 早上好 史黛西
Morning. Morning, Stacy.
很明显 我是你最友善的部居了
Apparently I'm your number one neighbor.
-你有一个难以忍♥受的妻子朋友 -嗯
-You got a tough one there, my friend. -Well...
上晚班呢
Late start for you, huh?
-差点戴上墨镜了 -噢 瞧瞧看
-Nah, I just forgot my shades. -Oh, there you go.
你知道有个刹车灯坏了吗 沃德
You know, you got a brake light out there, ward.
是吗
really?
你的驾照和车辆登记
You driver's license and registration.
好的 我有 等等 给我两分钟时间
Okay. I got...hold it. Give me a second.
-沃德 -怎么了
-Ward. -Yeah?
我只是开开玩笑 我是你的邻居
I'm kidding. I'm your neighbor.
祝你有美好的一天 我的朋友
You have a good day, my friend.
谢谢 布鲁斯
Thanks, Bruce.
好的
Yeah
你好
Hello.
-你知道问题是什么吗 -早上好
-You know what the fucking problem is? -Good morning.
每个早晨我要花费将近3美元
Every fucking morning, I spend nearly $3
去买♥♥一杯冰咖啡 在柜台那等着
For my iced coffee, mind you, which is the same as the drip,
然后闻着刺鼻的咖啡粉的味道
Which is given to you at the counter, where you pay.
但是你猜 我的冰卿啡是在柜台给我的吗
But is my iced coffee given to me at the counter?
我猜不是的
I am guessing no.
你知道做一杯混合饮料要花费多长时间吗
Do you know how long it takes to make a blended drink?
呃 7个小时
Uh, seven hours.
去你的 这时间也太长了吧
Fuck you. A long fucking time.
那客人的冰块都要融了
These people move with the urgency of a glacier.
等一等 嘿 你需要帮忙吗
Hold on. Hey. You need a hand?
-噢 不需要了 -你确定
-Oh, I got it. -You sure?
嗯 你的冰咖啡味道怎样
Mm-hmm. How's your iced coffee?
-这是最好喝的一次了 -喜欢这种奶香味吗
-It's the best one yet. -You like it creamy?
明天见
I'll see you Tomorrow.
-那是谁啊 -是在柜台工作的一个妞
-Who was that? -The chick that works the counter.
哇 你可以让她知道你的想法
Wow. You really let her know how you feel.
混♥蛋♥ 她很可爱的
Fuck you. She's cute.
她的工作做得很差 但是她真的很漂亮
She sucks at her job, but she's fucking cute.
嘿 我们仍然约在星期天吗
Hey, are we still on for sunday?
是的 这样是最好的
Yeah, we better be.
好的 听医生的话 父亲节去玩高尔夫正合我意
Good. A father's day golf is just what the doctor ordered.
是啊 我整天都在到处碰运气
Of course, I'll spend my day hitting tour-quality shots
而懦夫沃德可是在家
While pussy ward thins every iRon
待着也不敢出来玩玩
And somehow manages to end up on the green.
噢嘿 我赶上见罗宾·彼得斯了
Oh, hey, I'm pulling up to robin peters.
-噢 老兄 是今天吗 -是的 等下再跟你说
-Oh, dude, that's today? -Yeah. I'll fill you in later.
等等 告诉她 乡间女孩很喜欢她
W-w-wait. Tell her she sucked in prairie girl.
比特斯小姐非常抱歉我迟到了
Ms. Peters, I'm so sorry I'm late.
我是埃戈杂♥志♥社的汤姆·布雷福德
Tom bradford, ego magazine.
布雷福德先生
Mr. Bradford,