哈萌小镇（2014）

语言可能无法描述我在凤♥凰♥城学到的
Words might fail to circumscribe the lesson I learned in Phoenix
但是有一点就是要适应新的准则
but it's a little bit about adapting to a new principle
我认为的就是 这将会成为
which I think is, I thought this was gonna be
有关我表演变的越来越好的准则
about me getting better and better at doing a show,
事到如今 我已经学会面对一个事实
it's become about me dealing with the fact
就是我不需要任何准则
that I don't need to have one.
节目很棒 - 谢谢你
Great show. - Thank you.
谢谢 谢谢
Thank you, thank you.
你睡得好吗
You sleep okay?
噢 好 有点太好了我觉得
Oh, yeah, a little too well, I guess.
我还想着在到达之前能做完一些工作
I was hoping to get some work done before I got there.
我现在有大♥麻♥烦了 我本来应该在做我在CBS的试播
I'm in big trouble right now, I'm supposed to be working on my CBS pilot,
然后做FOX的试播
and then I have a FOX pilot
我应该正在写 嗯 如果他们看到
I'm supposed to be writing and, um, if they-if they saw
我现在没有在写
what I was doing right now instead of writing it,
他们会对我很失望的
they'd be very upset with me.
我应该已经把这俩事搞定了
I should've been done with both of those things
远在巡演开始前就该搞定
far before this tour started.
我把工作带到了巴士上 这真是折磨
I took work onto the bus with me and it's, it's torturous.
我感觉就像一个没打扫房♥间的小男孩
It makes me feel like a little boy that didn't clean his room
这感觉糟透了 但是我活该
and it's awful, but it's what I deserve.
好了 伙计们 准备开始 请安静
All right, guys, here we go, quiet please.
我们开始 准备了
Let's roll, rolling.
开拍
And, action!
我什么都知道
I know everything!
我遇到丹是在 应该是在1991年
I met Dan back in, holy cow, I think it was probably '91?
来了
I'm coming.
我们喜欢彼此的喜剧
We'd liked each other's comedy,
也会聊聊流行文化
we would talk about pop culture,
聊聊<星球大战>啊 或者就随便说点什么愚蠢的东西
talk about Star Wars, talk about just dumb, stupid stuff,
那就是我们创作关系的开端
and that was the beginning of our writing relationship.
Ben Stiller给我打来电♥话♥说
Ben Stiller called me and said
他会去见一些厉害的作家
that he'd met these amazing writers
而且想让我也见见他们
and he wanted me to meet with them
好来一起打造一档电视节目
to try to develop a TV show,
我同意了 听起来不错
and I said yeah, that sounds great.
我们的意思是 如果要做电视节目 那我们就写一些
And we were like, if we're gonna do TV, let's write something
只有我们想写的东西
that only we would like.
然后我就知道 他们创作了
And the next thing I knew, they had written
这件难以置信的杰作
this unbelievable masterpiece.
你好 美国 我是Ben Stiller
Hello, America, I'm Ben Stiller.
我导演了这个令人惊叹的新的电视节目
I've directed an incredible new action series
名叫<热视觉与杰克>
called Heat Vision and Jack.
在这部剧里 我们跟随一位超智慧的反叛宇航员
In it, we follow the adventures of a super intelligent,renegade astronaut
和他会说话的摩托车的踏上旅程
and his talking motorcycle.
它什么好处都有 但就是太怪异了
It had everything going for it, but it was just too weird.
还很贵
And expensive.
很不幸 它最后成了二十世纪福克斯所拍过
Unfortunately, it ended up being the most expensive pilot
最昂贵的试播集
ever shot at 20th Century Fox.
Ben
Ben?
之后 试播集没被选中
And, uh, the pilot was not picked up.
看了我们的节目之后
After watching our program,
有可能你今晚会花一些时间
chances are you'll spend some time tonight
看看你最喜欢的黄金档节目 但是
watching one of your favorite prime time shows, but
那些落选的电视节目会怎么办呢
what happens to all those TV contenders that never make it?
那集试播很长一段时间内都是传奇
The pilot was legendary for a long time, I mean, like,
那是一盘你会想尽一切办法来找到的带子
that was a tape that you would try to hunt down
只为看<热视觉与杰克>的试播
to see the pilot for Heat Vision and Jack.
对 它之后成了邪典标志 我猜
Yeah, it's got a cult following, which, I guess is, you know,
算是一个安慰奖
kind of a nice consolation prize.
但是 它本可以更有发展的
But, uh, it could've been so much more.
再见 Jack Austin
So long, Jack Austin.
再见 警长
So long, Sheriff.
这就是五雷轰顶 我真的垮了
It's emotionally devastating, I was-I was wiped out.
我们知道自己做的很好
We know we did a good product.
而且如果有机会的话一定会成功的
And it would've worked if it would've gotten a chance.
它非常新颖 很有创造性 而且
It was wildly original, and inventive, and, you know,
两个人都说我们认为这会是个很酷的节目
two guys saying this is what we think would be a cool show.
<热视觉与杰克>之后 一切都很黑暗
After Heat Vision and Jack it got really dark
因为这是好莱坞第一次正式地
because it was the first time Hollywood really, uh,
拒绝了我们
rejected us.
但是我们决定了 我们宗旨会一直是
But we just decided that our mantra would always be
创作你想看到的节目
make the shows you would wanna see
而且我觉得那真的影响到了丹的作品
and I think that really affected, uh, Dan's work.
知识就是力量 真的
Knowledge is power, for real.
我们今晚的票只卖♥♥出去56张
We only had 56 tickets sold for the show tonight
还剩172个空位 真的很多
and 172 open, which is, which is a lot.
我们在发传♥单♥
We are flyering.
天气大概是二十五华氏度
In like, 25 degree weather.
刮着风
And windy.
拿去吧 罗德岛
Take it, Rhode Island.
我们已经在发了
We're already flying.
你们想来一张喜剧表演的传♥单♥吗
Do you guys want flyers for a comedy thing?
不要
Nope.
给你张传♥单♥ 谢谢
Give you a flyer, thank you.
他会来的
He'll be there.
你腿不冷吗 - 我的腿从来不冷
Your legs aren't cold? - My legs are never cold.
我也不知道为什么
I don't, I don't know why,
它们就像是木头什么的造的一样
it's like they're made of wood or something.
你带裤子了吗
Did you bring pants?
我带了一条牛仔裤
I brought one pair of jeans.
是魔力牛仔裤吗 它们只有一个用处吗
Are they magic jeans, do they on... do they have one use?
存着它们有什么用吗
Are you saving them for something?
是的 他们每隔几天就补给一次 所以我就
Oh, yeah, they recharge every couple of days, so I...
小时候 人们让我去洗澡
When I was a kid, people would tell me take a shower,
你难闻死了 你就是一坨屎
you stink, you're a piece of shit, and, uh,
有一天 我洗好澡 梳好头
like, one day I took a shower, and combed my hair,
坐上公共汽车 所有八年级学生都说
and got on the bus, and all the eighth graders were like,
"哇哦 看看 老兄 来握个手"
"Whoa, look at the... dude, dude, give me skin, man,"
"来击个掌 他妈说真的 哥们儿 干得好"
"give me five, fuckin' seriously, man, good job, good job."
我心想 再也不会了 操♥你♥妈♥的
And I was like, never again, motherfucker.
我要成为百万富翁
I-I-I-I am going to be a millionaire
然后我就臭死你们
and I am going to smell like a butt.
你做到了 你实现了你的梦想
You've done it, you've accomplished your dreams.
是啊
Yeah.
我认识你很久了
I-I've known you for a long time,
他有过各种各样的恋物癖
he's gone through a series of fetishes, uh,
人形模特的脚 套在人形模特脚上的尼龙丝♥袜♥
mannequin legs, nylons on mannequin legs, uh,
女人在桌子底下
videos about women under the table
脚后跟脱掉 脚尖勾着鞋的视频
poppin' their shoe off their heel.
是的
Right.
然后你买♥♥了一个充气娃娃
Then you bought the real-real doll,
然后我们就一整年没见过你了
we didn't see you for a year.
嗯
Um.
当你看到广♥告♥上说
You see these ads for,
"买♥♥一个用这玩意做的假女人吧"
"Oh, buy a fake woman made out of this stuff."
你会觉得这是一场完美犯罪
And you're like oh, it's the perfect crime, like,
我要退出单身市场 我要解放那些可怜的女人
I'll take myself off the market, I'll spare all these poor women,
我能解放我自己 大家都有好处
I'll spare myself, like... like, everyone'll win.
但是六个月后
But then six months later,
她们的头都掉下来了
it's like the head's falling off them.
太惨了
It's awful, yeah,
因为你什么时候才会舍得扔掉六千美元买♥♥的橡胶女人呢
'cause when do you throw away your $6,000 rubber woman?
惨不忍♥睹
Awful.
幸好那时我有个助手
Thank God I had an assistant by that time.
这上面写了什么
What does this say?
"Silva的银杖"
"Silver staff of Silva?"
是的 Silva 你还记得那个吗
Yeah, Silva, do you you remember that thing
你爬出舱门时拿着的
that you climbed up out of the hatch with?
哦 记得 - 是啊
Oh, right, right. - Yeah.