硅谷

it's just... I don't know.
天 你还好吗
Jesus, are you OK?
什么 好 我挺好
What? Yeah, I... OK.
非常好 他们放我出来了
Yeah, all good. They let me go.
谁放你出来了
Who let you go?
你多久没睡觉了 贾里德
When was the last time you slept, Jared?
太对了 大卫 聊什么呢几位
Absolutely, David. What are we talking about, gents?
我们在说我没能在预赛时做演示
We're talking about how I didn't get to present in the prelims,
因为我光忙着让人往我脸上砸拳头
because I was too busy getting my face pummeled
好让我们公♥司♥更进一步
so that our team could move forward.
所以明天的展示非做不可
That's why we're presenting tomorrow.
而且跟你们说吧 咱们要赢
And you know what? We're going to win.
我们无论如何都要赢 哪怕要我走下台去
Yeah, we're gonna win even if I have to go into the auditorium
给每位观众亲手撸一炮
and personally jerk off every guy in the audience.
那你得撸多少炮啊
That's a lot of jerking.
我们的展示时间只有十分钟 所以
And we only have ten minutes to present. So...
所以我们完蛋了 对不对
So, we're fucked, aren't we?
就算他同时给两个人撸
Yeah, even if he's jerking two at a time,
大厅里一共有 就算800人吧
there are, what, 800 guys in that room?
那就是400乘以平均撸射时间
So that's 400 times whatever the mean jerk-time is.
-什么 -平均撸射时间
- The what? - Mean jerk-time.
虽然无关紧要 但是理论上讲
I mean, it doesn't matter, but, hypothetically,
按一次给两人撸算
time is equal to 400 total jerks
总共是撸400人的时间
at a two-dick rate.
如果埃利希能同时撸四个人的话
Unless Erlich jerks off four guys at a time,
时间就能减半了
and then we can cut that in half.
四个人怎么撸 他只有两只手
How would he do four guys...? He's got two hands,
不就同时只能撸两个人吗
so that's two dicks at a time, right?
如果两边各站两个人
Look, you have two guys
都面对面站着
on either side with their dicks, tip to tip,
这样的话就能从一头撸到另一头
so you're going full-length.
就是四个了 明白了吗
Four, see?
从中点作发散状 这倒是可行
From the middle out. That does make sense.
-就像两只摇摆铃 -没错
- Like two Shake Weights? - Yeah,
[健身器材]
所以假设我们的目标
so what we're trying to do, hypothetically,
是尽可能缩短时间 也就是800个男的
is minimize time, which is 800 dudes,
乘以撸射时间 再除以同时撸管数四
multiplied by mean-jerk time, divided by four dicks at a time.
当然 埃利希需要先按身高进行预排序
Of course, Erlich would have to pre-sort guys by height,
这样他们的小♥弟♥弟♥才能在同一高度
so that their dicks lined up.
准确讲不能按身高配对
Not by height, technically.
关键指标是小♥弟♥弟♥到地板的高度
The measurement that we're looking for, really, is dick to floor.
简称为弟高值
Call that D2F.
天啊
Oh, my God.
如果某人小♥弟♥弟♥够长的话
You know, if a guy's dick was long enough,
那他可以向上或向下兼容那些
it would be able to reach up or down
和他弟高值不同的人
to another guy with a different D2F.
小♥弟♥弟♥越长 弟高值兼容范围越大
The longer the dick, the greater the D2F bridge,
这样我仍然可以顺畅地同时撸管
but I would still be able to jerk it off in one smooth motion...
找好角度就行了
I'd just have to jerk it on an angle.
所以弟高值1得等于弟高值2So D2F sub-1 needs to equal D2F sub-2,
而弟高值3等于弟高值4and D2F sub-3 needs to equal D2F sub-4,
而长度值会形成
where length L creates
相应的轴间角
a complimentary shaft angle.
称之为D角
Call that θ-D.
-现在再把射时 -天啊
- And now, the orgasm... - Oh shit! On my God!
我真是个白♥痴♥ 发散法
I'm such an idiot. Middle out!
发散法 发散法 天啊
Middle out! Middle out! Oh, my God.
我怎么就
How could I...?
几位 如果粗细不同的话
Guys, does girth-similarity affect Erlich's ability
埃利希还能同时撸管吗
to jerk different dicks simultaneously?
该死 我看有影响
Shit. Yeah, I think it would.
当然有关系
Of course, it does.
每一对小♥弟♥弟♥
Time to orgasm, or T2O,
从开撸到射的时间 也就是撸射值必须相同
has to be the same for each matching pair of dicks
否则我不就白白浪费那许多时间
otherwise I'm wasting a lot of great strokes on a guy
给其中一个撸空管了
that's already busted.
但是如果你可以在撸管时"热插拔"的话
Unless you can hotswap dicks in and out.
当你做向下运动时 换一个小♥弟♥弟♥进来
So on a downstroke, you get a new one in.
这样再往上撸回去的时候就不是无用功了
So when you stroke up you're not wasting any energy.
尽管如此 持久度上来说这是最可靠的算法
Even so, I think this is the most reliable metric for stamina.
几位 理查德把自己锁在屋里两个小时了
Guys? Richard's been locked in here for almost two hours.
他不会有什么事吧
Do we think he's OK?
你不会认为他想不开
You don't think he'd...
他之前确实非常失落
He did seem pretty bummed out.
HIGH
好了几位 我们走
All right, guys, let's go.
高♥潮♥大戏要上演了 都起来
The finals are starting. Up!
吉尔弗约尔
Gilfoyle!
我晕
Jesus!
这门怎么了
What happened to the door?
别担心理查德 平台都调试好了吗
Don't worry about it, Richard, is the platform up and running?
我做了些改动 但是 挺顺利
I made a few changes, but yeah...
好 路上说 你们俩个娘炮 该走了
OK, tell me on the walk. All right, you dildos, let's go!
跟我仔细讲讲 理查德
All right, talk to me, Richard.
你昨晚上忙什么呢
What were you working on last night?
我昨晚上取得了点小突破
Well, uh, I might've made a breakthrough.
是吗 所以软件完美了吗
Really, so everything is working?
严格来讲 还不完美
Uh, technically, no.
祝好运 理查德 真遗憾我不能到
说实话吧 姑娘们 还有比视觉用户体验
Let's face it, ladies, is there anything less sexy
完全达不到最优更不性感的事吗
than when a user's visualization UX is completely sub-optimal?
这是最差的了 不是吗
I mean, it's the worst, right?
我们对此进行了详尽而周密的研究
So we've gone through all the research and all the steps.
也找到了解决方案
We have a solution for these problems
泽内拉团队已准备好将其推向市场
and Zenella is ready to bring it to the marketplace.
我懂 理查德 你改了许多
Yeah, I get it, Richard. You changed a lot.
简单给我介绍一下 我好把它讲出来
Just give me the basics and I can roll with it.
我得知道我要展示的是什么
I need to know what I'm presenting here.
我觉得我没时间详细解释了
I don't think I have time to explain it all.
这他妈是什么意思
What the hell does that mean?
理查德 这个版本对吗
Richard? Is this the right build?
我找不到移♥动♥套件
I can't find the mobile suite here.
没有移♥动♥套件 我删掉了
Uh, it is nowhere. I deleted it.
-什么 -他们来了
- What? - Here they are.
-'魔笛手'来了 -抱歉我们迟到了
- Pied Piper's here. - Sorry we're late.
理查德 快跟我说说
Richard, talk to me.
如果不知道乐队要弹什么我还怎么唱
I can't front a band without knowing what we're playing?
我想这次展示我得自己来了
Uh... I'm think I'm just going to do the presentation myself.
你说什么 不行 不行 理查德
Wait, what? No, no, no, Richard, Richard, Richard, Richard.
我无意冒犯 但你真的很烂
Respectfully... Respectfully, you're terrible.
现在有个世界一流的演讲者就站在你面前
You have world class showman standing right in front of you
而你却打算自己来
and you're going to pass on that?
让我去吧 理查德 让海妖去吧
Release me, Richard. Release the Kraken!
-'魔笛手' 该你们了 -是时候了
- Pied Piper. You're on. - This is it!
我不知道你做了什么 理查德
I don't know what you did, Richard,
-但我希望一切没问题 -我也希望
- but I hope it works. - Me, too.
让我们欢迎本年度科技博客展会
All right, let's welcome our final team to the finals
创业竞技场决赛的最后一支队伍
of this year's TechCrunch Disrupt Start-Up Battlefield.
代表'魔笛手'做展示的是埃利希·巴♥赫♥曼
Presenting for Pied Piper is Erlich Bachman.
事实上 计划有变
Uh... actually there has been a change of plans.
代表'魔笛手'的将是理查德·亨德里克斯
Presenting for Pied Piper will be Richard Hendricks.
理查德
Richard?
抱歉 刚才大脑有点空白
Sorry. Got a little light-headed there for a second.
都准备好了 现在看你的了
I set 'em up for you, now knock 'em down.
我不明白 我以为他优化了平台
I don't understand. I thought he made the platform better.
结果他删掉了所有东西
He just deleted everything.
也许他把模块都移到云上了
Maybe he moved it to the cloud?
没有 '雕刻者'的所有工作都不见了
No. All The Carver's work is gone.
'魔笛手'是一种基于云端的压缩平台
Pied Piper is a cloud based compression.
没有了云 就什么都不是了
Without the cloud, nothing's left.
先生们 这也许是
Gentlemen, this is likely
'魔笛手'的最后十分钟了
the last ten minutes of Pied Piper,