天堂镇警局（2018）

嗯 收到
Yeah, I-I-I got that.
子弹 咱儿子可不睡什么妓♥女♥
Bullet, our son is not gonna sleep with a hooker.
好吧 我也就只剩这一天好活
Fine. It's my last day too.
你要不介意 我要去搅她的黄油了
If you don't mind, I am going to go churn that butter.
黄油大大！
Big Butter!
情话就省了 心肝儿 拿我当片干面包就行
Save that pillow talk, baby. Treat me like a piece of dry toast.
（运营中心 正在奴役招人）
恭喜各位成为爱福利公♥司♥仓库工人
Congrats on your new career as a Lovely Corp warehouse worker.
你们会在39度的仓库里
Where you'll get to work in a 102-degree warehouse,
一天走130公里 俩月上一回厕所
walk 80 miles a day, and take bimonthly bathroom breaks.
别担心 公♥司♥给你们发爱福利尿裤
Don't worry. You'll be issued a Lovely Corp Diaper.
上面还带着个屁♥眼♥尖刺
It even comes with an asshole spike,
免得你动歪脑筋想坐下
in case you get the nasty temptation to sit down.
这份工作真不赖 我以前在亚马逊干
This is a pretty sweet job. I used to work for Amazon.
请注意看屏幕上的仓库工会注意事项
Please see the monitor for information on the Warehouse Worker Union.
嘿 我觉得我们应该成立个工会
Hey. I think we should start a union.
在这儿呢！
There they are!
凯文 放我们出去！你得找把钥匙或者…
Hey, Kevin! Get us out! You'll need a key or some--
这好像是个狗笼 连把锁都没有
I think this is a dog's cage. There's not even a lock.
我就说应该换个人来试试！
I told you someone else should've tried to open it!
北佬 你还活着
Norf! You're alive!
去你大爷 北佬 我才不郁闷
Fuck you, Norf. I wasn't sad.
（钻漏牙科）
我听说这是你第一次看牙医
Well, I hear it's your first time at the dentist.
别紧张 坐上去吧
Don't be nervous. Hop on the chair and get ready.
首先…
First, we'll--
你这是干嘛？ -省得你费事
What are you doing? -Just saving you the trouble.
等你把我药晕了 扒裤子就难了
It's gonna be real hard to get my pants off once you gas me.
先生 我不会那样做的
Sir, I-I-I don't do that.
我说 不给我的老二喂面包丁
Man, if you ain't gonna feed my dick croutons,
那你还算哪门子牙医？
what kinda dentist are you?
儿子 观鸟既放松又长见识
Son, bird-watching is relaxing and educational.
你看到那只斑尾鸽了吗？
Do you see that band-tailed pigeon?
哦 他腿上有东西
Oh, it's got something on his leg.
莫非是宝丽来相机？
Is that a Polaroid?
二世 别看
Look away, Junior.
二世？
Junior?
好了 孩子 看好了
Okay, kid. Take a look here.
这是谷物酒精 这是大♥麻♥ 这是摇♥头♥丸♥
This is grain alcohol. This is weed. This is Molly.
见了这些娘炮玩意儿要说“不”
Just say no to these pussy drugs.
直接上海♥洛♥因♥
You're skipping these and going straight to heroin.
还记得第一次吃冰淇淋的时候
Remember that first time you tried ice cream?
你说“这东西好吃到无敌”吗？
You were like, "This is the greatest thing ever!"
现在你可要开眼了
Well, you're about to feel real stupid right now.
子弹 你在干什么？
Bullet! What the hell are you doing?!
我不知道 让儿子享受末日呗
I don't know. Trying to give the kid a great last day?
你应该高兴才对
Psh. You should be happy.
也就吸海♥洛♥因♥能让他享受观鸟
Heroin's the only thing that could make him enjoy fucking bird-watching.
你怎么能这么说观鸟？ -看来我们就得对吼了呗！
How dare you say that about bird-watching! -I guess we're gonna yell over each other!
谁说这种话 -行 那我们就这样
Oh, I'll kill a motherfucker -Okay, I guess that's what we'll do,
我都该弄死丫的！ -我们就同时对吼！
for saying that about bird-watching! -we'll just yell at the same time.
别吵了！
Stop it!
只剩一天好活 我只想跟我的老爸们一起
The only thing I wanna do on my last day is spend it with my dads,
做我最喜欢的事情
doing my favorite thing.
你说得对 二世 这样真好
You're right, Junior. This is nice.
没错
Yes. It is.
黄油大大！
Big Butter!
对 我俩结婚了
Yeah. Uh, Big Butter and I got married.
这是我在地球上活的最后一天
I decided it's my last day on Earth, so…
我就弄了点你的海♥洛♥因♥ 然后就这样了
…I did some of your heroin, and here we are.
禁忌达斯提们来了
Here come them Forbidden Dustys!
♪银屑病达斯提红肿掉皮癣♪
♪核辐射达斯提肚子上有一张脸♪
♪默片坏蛋达斯提罪恶滔天♪
♪连体达斯提俩人一个屁♥眼♥♪
♪软体达斯提能往杯里扎♪
♪90代达斯提爱说“咋样啊！”♪
♪双头达斯提一顶帽子不够♪
♪柴火棍达斯提一点也不瘦！♪
♪传道达斯提不信进化论♪
♪淫♥荡♥达斯提站街把日子混♪
我知道不该两个都打 但我忍♥不住
I know I wasn't supposed to slap both of them, but I can't help it.
我的皮条手太猛了！
My pimp hand is too goddamn strong!
就差一点
Almost there.
再来个中小号♥的达斯提应该就搞定了
One more small-to-medium-sized Dusty should do it.
好吧 还剩一个达斯提 但他有点大
Well, there's only one more Dusty, and he's a little on the big side.
认识一下大块头达斯提
Meet Big Chungus Dusty.
我靠！这货怎么这么大？
Goddamn! Why is he so big?
笨蛋 野生的达斯提就这样
That's how big Dustys grow in the wild, silly.
搞什么！
What the fuck?!
好了 天才达斯提 你能想办法把我们带回地球吗？
All right, Genius Dusty. Can you figure out a way to get us back to Earth?
根据我的计算 如果我们在接下来的37分钟内不吃…
According to mine calculations, if we all don't eat for the next 37 minutes--
我有一个更好的主意！
I got a better idea.
谢谢 斯巴达达斯提！
Thank you, 300 Dusty.
其实 我是杰拉德巴特勒 最近混得不咋样 伙计
Actually, I'm Gerard Butler. Things have gone south, mate.
（天堂镇 爱福利有限责任公♥司♥独有资产）
这是什么？
What do we have here?
要是换种活法 我会在那金刚的叮当上荡秋千
In another life, I'd be swinging on that King Kong's ding-dong.
查尔斯 那些白♥痴♥把天堂镇扎回地上了
Charles! Those idiots have grounded the city.
我们必须立刻行动 否则目标可能会逃脱
We have to act now, or the target could escape.
他们逃不掉
There is no escape.
抱歉在你舌头上开了洞
Sorry about those holes in your tongue.
我换了新的爱福利钻头 应该更安全
I've switched to my new Lovely Drill. Should be much safer.
我就说我讨厌狗屁牙医嘛
This is why I don't like the goddamn dentist.
你们这些白♥痴♥ 花钱把我的产品买♥♥回家
You simpletons paid to bring my products into your homes.
图便宜 图方便
They were so affordable, so convenient.
就像待宰的羔羊
Like lambs to the slaughter.
不行 还是跟大披萨那集一样傻
Meh. Still as stupid than a giant pizza.
（爷们儿窝）
看到了吗？嗯？我怎么说这些玩意儿来着？
See? Huh? What'd I tell you about these things?
凯伦 你还觉得他不是坏蛋吗？
Still think he's not evil, Karen?
什么呀？产品攻击人的事情时有发生
What? Products attack people all the time.
是真的 有个打蛋器这礼拜都爆菊我三回了
It's true. An eggbeater went up my ass three times this week.
他早餐时段在“丹尼家”当班
He works the breakfast shift at Denny's.
不过 算你们走运
But you are in luck.
我只要凯文克劳福德
I only want Kevin Crawford.
其他人都可以活命
No one else has to die.
要我说这买♥♥卖♥♥挺划算 但为什么非凯文不可？
Hey, a pretty sweet deal, I'd say. But why Kevin?
那还用说 我是他的情敌
Obviously, I'm a romantic rival for his wife.
他把我当成性威胁
He sees me as a sexual threat.
抓我好了！放过其他人
Well, take me! Leave everyone else out of it!
没说你 阿夫卡 我要的是凯文克劳福德
Not you, AFKAK. I said Kevin Crawford.
嘿 我刚发现这娃娃有点诡异
Hey! I just realized there's something creepy about this doll.
住手！那是我真正喜爱的儿子
Stop! That's the son I do love!
等等 我现在两个儿子都爱了 奇怪
Wait. I love both sons now. Weird.
他现在是我的了
He is mine now.
另外 计划有变
Also, small change of plans.
你们还是得死
You do have to die.
我生来就是为了这一天
I was born for this day.
为了天下汪星人
This is for all dogs everywhere.
还好我没用他家产品
Whoo. I'm glad I ain't got none of them products.
你不是装了爱福利心脏起搏器吗？
Don't you have a Lovely Corp Pacemaker?
谢谢你救了我 菲兹
Thanks for saving me, Fitz.
救个屁 这可是六片烤面包机
Saving hell. It's a six-slice toaster!
老子要把它带回家！
I'm taking this shit home!
我跟你打只因为想吃和好点心
I'll fight you, but only because I'm looking forward to the make-up snacks.
这倒好 我现在秃了！
Great. Now I look bald!
打啊 北佬 打啊！
Fight, Norf! Fight!
但你不是说过 我不是队里的一员吗
But you said I'm not on the team.
你啥时候开始听衣服的话了？
Since when do you listen to laundry?
可我害怕
But I'm scared.
我知道 因为我脖子上全是你的尿！
Oh, I know you are. 'Cause my neck's covered in your piss!
没错 杰瑞 现在是我们干掉所有Isotoner手套的大好机会
That's right, Jerry! Now's our chance to kill all the Isotoner gloves!
它们再也没法嘲笑我们了！
They will mock us no more!
干掉了这么多爱福利产品 好样的 鲍勃卡马罗
Good job taking out those products, Camaro Bob.
别谢我 我只是喝大了
Don't thank me. I'm just drunk.
幸好这回不是学生娃 心肝儿
Thank God there weren't schoolkids this time, baby.