天堂镇警局（2018）

No.
现在你非娶奥尔加不可
You must marry Olga now.
（60分钟）
欢迎来到《60分钟》
Welcome to 60 Minutes.
今晚 我们请到了席卷艺术界的新风暴
Tonight, we'll meet the man who is taking the art world by storm.
我想把这件叫做“放逐的贫穷”
I like to call this one Poverty in Exile.
太震撼了 我喜欢红色调
It's so powerful. I love the reds.
红色？我说 弗拉德 帮我约下医生
Red? Hey, Vlad. Set me an appointment with my doctor.
他主动提出为我画像 我倍感荣幸
I was honored when he offered to paint my portrait.
搞定
All done!
我想送给你
I want you to have it.
照片永远无法捕捉这样的我
It really captures me in a way a photograph never could.
小心 还没干呢
Careful with that! It's still wet!
摸着的话 那你就要害大病了 小子！
And if you touch it, you gonna get sick as hell, son.
而且这东西沥沥拉拉的 所以你最好小心点
Also, they have been known to drip. So bear that in mind.
之前我在一家“信”餐厅搞天顶壁画
I did a ceiling fresco at Nobu.
好多人现在还昏迷不醒呢
Several people are still in a coma.
他对着我的肖像喷屎 我太荣幸了
I was honored that he shatted my portrait
才要五百万美元
for only $5 million.
达斯提跟他的伯乐们一起分了钱
Dusty splits the money with the men who discovered him,
他们明白 艺术是百分之十的灵感
who understand that art is 10% inspiration,
加百分之九十的虾子
90% shcrumps.
（爱福利公♥司♥）
我不喜欢这样 我怕高
I don't-- I don't like this. I'm afraid of heights.
冷静 我们就快到你前女友克隆人住的顶楼公♥寓♥了！
Calm down. We're almost to the penthouse where your ex-girlfriend's clone lives.
她在那儿呢！
There she is.
等她把毛巾甩掉
As soon as she drops that towel,
我们就能看到她的阴蒂 然后证明她是克隆人！
we'll see she has a clit and prove she's a clone.
那个癞头猫到底在看个啥？
What the hell is that mangy-ass cat looking at?
哈？少指我 贱♥货♥！
What? Don't you point at me, you skank-ass ho.
啥？扯呢！你他♥娘♥的♥惹错主儿了！
What? Oh, hell no! You done fucked with the wrong crazy bitch!
我跟你鱼死网破！
I'll kill us all!
是你？
You!
你他♥娘♥的♥在外面做什么呢？
What the hell are you doing out there?
坏了 我们被抓包了
Oh no. We're busted.
我要把你那两只死鱼眼挖出来！
I'll knock those wide-set eyes right off your bloody head!
别指着我 你个臭不要脸的！
Don't you point at me, you skank ho!
你他♥娘♥的♥惹错主儿了！
You fucked with the wrong crazy bitch!
我没办法总是生你的气
I can't stay mad at you.
（“银帽博士” 免费比基尼热蜡脱毛！）
也不知道能不能行
I don't know about this.
镇上不会有人相信犹太人会做免费生意
No one in this town will believe a Jew opened a free waxing place.
怎么说话呢！我就是犹太血统
Hey, watch your mouth. I'm Jewish.
我也是
So am I.
那干嘛讲这种段子？ -我也不知道
Then why are we making this joke? -I don't know.
赶紧滚回去 吉娜来了
Well, just get your ass back in there. Here comes Gina.
嘿 妞儿！
Oh hey, girl!
要不要来做“银帽博士”免费比基尼热蜡脱毛呀？
Can I interest you in a Dr. Pubawitz free bikini wax?
好啊 这地方一点都不诡异
Sure. This doesn't seem odd at all.
抱歉 吉娜 我也该试试了
Sorry, Gina. It's about time I tried this.
我这里有点情况
I've got a situation here.
我从来都没修剪过 你看看…
I've never even trimmed it. Like, ever. Let me show you--
别 别！
No. No, no, no. No-- No!
我靠了！
Goddamn!
（天堂镇乡间俱乐部）
看啊 我刚给儿子订了这个镶钻水下消火栓
Look. I just ordered Junior this diamond-encrusted underwater fire hydrant.
悠着点吧 你花钱比达斯提喷屎还快！
You need to slow down. You're spending money faster than Dusty can shit it.
我为了咱儿子花钱 你少叨逼叨
Don't bitch at me for spending money on what's best for our son.
搞什么网球课？那小子连手都没有！
Like tennis lessons? Kid doesn't even have hands.
至少我给他找了一个好老师 你总该满意吧
At least be happy that I got him a good teacher.
你他娘找的是小威廉姆斯！
You got him Serena fucking Williams!
好眼神 儿子！
Good eye, son!
至少你有一只好眼睛 儿子
At least you have one good eye! Uh, son?
哟 来啦 棒棒糖沃霍尔！
There you are, Candy Warhol.
这句又贱又毒舌 我错了 对不起
That was easy and mean. I regret saying that. I'm sorry.
我们明天有一个很重要的活动
Listen, we got a very important event tomorrow.
爱福利公♥司♥花大价钱
Lovely Corp is paying us big bucks
请你给大堂喷墙
to have you ass-blast the wall of their lobby.
我可不想让我的艺术只服务于有钱人
I don't feel right doing my art for just a bunch of rich people.
我的艺术应该让大家都能欣赏
My art should be for everyone to enjoy.
我只需要你出现 吃虾 发粪涂墙
All I'm asking you to do is show up, eat shrimp, and shit on a wall.
照着你去年作贱我生日派对那样来就行
You know, the same thing you did to ruin my birthday party last year.
对你来说 我就这点价值？
Is that all I am to you?
我就是一个天才造屎工厂？
Just a talented shit factory?
给你 我付账
Here. I guess I'll pay the bill.
妈呀
Oh my God!
亲爱的 跟孩子们说 他们可以上大学了！
Hey, honey! Tell the kids they are going to college!
（爱福利公♥司♥）
各位反♥社♥会♥ 大家好
Hello, fellow sociopaths.
好长时间没见
I feel like I have not seen you all
上次还是在婴儿采血加饮酒会
since the infant blood harvesting/keg party.
哇 真不敢相信这么多著名CEO居然都为达斯提现身出席
Wow. I can't believe all these famous CEOs showed up to see Dusty.
我好害怕！
I'm so… intimidated.
没关系
Don't be.
他们都是普通人 跟你
They're just normal people like you
和我一...
and me…
重置一下就好！ -样
Just gotta reset him. -Me.
女士们 先生们 还有马克扎克伯格…
Ladies, gentlemen, and whatever Mark Zuckerberg is…
发际线再高点
Higher hair.
…下面有请世界知名艺屎家
…I'd like to introduce the world's foremost master shartist,
为大家献上他的屎上巨作！
here to create his magnum anus,
有请达斯提！
Dusty!
你什么都不用说
No, you don't need to say anything.
我不会乱讲话的！
I ain't gonna say nothing bad.
各位商界大屌♥ 你们好啊！
Hello, you motherfucking capitalist pigs!
现如今富的越富 穷的越穷 老子已经受够了
I'm sick of the rich getting richer and the poor getting poorer.
除非所有男女老少
Until every man, woman, and child
都付得起几百万让我发粪涂墙
can afford to pay me millions of dollars to shit on a wall,
老子就再也不搞艺术了！
I am done making art!
赶紧给我搞墙上艺屎
I better see some sharts sprayed on that wall,
不然我就要求退押金！
or I'm gonna need my deposit back.
弗拉德 搞快 我需要一个艺屎家
Hey, Vlad? Quick. I need a shit artist.
网络搜索亚当莱文
Searching web for Adam Levine.
（马牙医兼立体修复）
我说什么来着？你看起来帅呆了
What I tell you? You look great.
真的吗？我合不拢嘴了
Really? I can't close my lips around them.
你确定妹子喜欢这样的？
Uh, you sure girls will like these?
喜欢得很 我证明给你看
Gals will love. I show you.
迪斯科舞厅夜店路线规划中 嘿♥咻♥妹子欢欢走起
Routing to discotheque nightclub to suck ass of many girls.
（爱福利公♥司♥）
这里也不像是迪斯科舞厅夜店啊
Well, this doesn't look like a discotheque nightclub.
妹子什么时候来？
When do the girls get here?
你在神经椅上坐下 把电极接在脑子上就行
Right after you sit in neurochair and hook electrodes to head.
听着靠谱
Seems legit.
妹子就快来了
Gals almost here.
把手♥机♥放在设置台上
Just place phone in docking bay
然后拨动“将意识转移到手♥机♥”开关
and flip switch labeled "transfer mind to phone."
身材不错 弗拉德喜欢
Hey. Pretty sweet body. Vlad like.
搞什么？我被困在电♥话♥里了！弗拉德 把我弄出去！
What the hell? I'm trapped in the phone! Get me outta here, Vlad!
不 你留在手♥机♥里
No. You stay in phone.
弗拉德要去迪斯科舞厅 笑着炫耀四颗大板牙
Vlad go to discotheque nightclub and show off big four-teeth smile,
穿紧身裤突出蛋蛋
wear tight pants to accentuate testicles.
蛋蛋哪里去了？
Where testicles?
这是个问题
This problem.
又硬又方
Hard and square.
就像老嬢嬢的蛋蛋
Just like babushka's testicles.
菲兹 你可把我们坑惨了
You really screwed us, Fitz.
现在达斯提不搞艺术 咱们也付不起欠小威的钱了
And now that Dusty isn't making art, we can't pay our debt to Serena Williams.
还有她姐姐
Or her sister.
两个你都雇了？
You hired both of them?!
我可没说过我理财有道
I never said I was good with money.
挨够揍没？
Had enough?
你揍得没有小威狠 但也很疼
I mean, you don't hit as hard as Serena, but it still hurts.
赶紧给钱 不然弄死你们两个贱♥货♥！
You better get us our money, or you bitches are dead.