天堂镇警局（2018）

还记得萨♥达♥姆♥侯赛因让他所有的保镖都去做了整容手术
Remember how Saddam Hussein had all his bodyguards get plastic surgery
让他们看起来都跟萨♥达♥姆♥侯赛因一模一样吗？
to look just like Saddam Hussein?
这么说吧 我借用了那个主意
Let's just say I borrowed that idea.
吃我裤裆 混♥蛋♥东西！
Eat pants, motherfucker!
你有没有觉得这也太奇怪了 我们都做了大量整容手术
Ever think it's weird that we got massive amounts of plastic surgery
让自己看起来就跟萨♥达♥姆♥侯赛因一样
to look like Saddam Hussein
最后却并不是去保护萨♥达♥姆♥侯赛因？
to protect someone who ain't Saddam Hussein?
混口饭吃嘛 罗比
It's a living, Robby.
哦 糟了！
Oh no!
不必帮忙 北佬 你又不是队员
Do not help, Norf! You're not on the team!
你完蛋了
You fucked up.
我感觉我的脊椎都要折断了
I think my spine is snapping!
嘿 达斯提 你♥他♥妈♥打算过来帮忙吗？
Hey, Dusty. You gonna fucking help?
我也想来 但我太伤心了
I would, but I'm too sad.
就像搬沙发一样 把她顺时针转过来
It's just like moving a couch. Twist her clockwise.
这样吗？
Like this?
不！你知道该死的钟是怎么转的 对吧？
No! You know how goddamn clocks work, right?
我从来没学过！我就这么硬推了！
I never learned! I'm just gonna push!
住手！你把我的手指碾碎了！
No! No-- You mashed my fingers!
你们俩别在她身上挠来挠去的 我还准备举办开棺葬礼呢
Don't y'all scratch her now. I want an open casket.
我的手都麻了！我再推！
My hands are numb! I'm pushing!
住手！
No, no, no!
哦 我找到她的欢乐谷了
Oh, I found her teetee. I found her teetee.
你竟敢毁了我原来的缝线 北佬 就位！
How dare you ruin my original stitching! Norf, get in position!
听好了 你这坨丁零当啷的英国佬臭沙包
Listen up, you bouncing bag of bing-bong British bullshit.
我们可以用简单的方法 或者…
We can do this the easy way, or--
不要用简单的方法！不要！
Not the easy way! No!
我什么都告诉你！
I'll tell you everything!
我从没告诉过任何人 但是
I never told anyone this, but…
我秘密出演了CBS的一部电视剧
…I secretly star in a CBS drama
讲的是一位警♥察♥在一家熟食店卧底！
about a cop who works undercover at a deli.
凉拌警♥察♥ 这里的案件比冷盘更冷酷！
Cole's Law. Where the cases are colder than the cuts.
跟我们说说爱福利公♥司♥！
Tell us about Lovely Corp!
我们要怎样才能 一劳永逸地扳倒爱福利？
How can we bring it down once and for all?
你做不到！这是不可能的！
You can't! It's impossible!
爱福利公♥司♥是完完全全坚不可摧的！
Lovely Corp is completely indestructible!
我们完蛋了 心肝儿
We're fucked, baby.
出于某些难以置信的原因
With the exception of one load-bearing support beam
除了一根承重支撑梁之外
which, for some implausible reason,
并没有其他东西来支撑整栋大楼的重量
supports the entire weight of the building.
我们还没完蛋 心肝儿
We're not fucked, baby.
但你们根本无法接近那里
But you won't be able to get to it.
持机关枪的安保人员 全天候在大楼内巡逻
The building is patrolled 24-7 by machine-gun-toting security guards.
完蛋了 心肝儿
Fucked, baby.
除了周日
With the exception of Sunday
当天所有人 包括安保人员 都要去参加查尔斯和吉娜的婚礼
when everyone, including the guards, are going to Charles' and Gina's wedding,
这栋大楼将彻底无人看管
and the building will be left completely unattended.
你只需要打开一扇根本没上锁的门
All you'd have to do is open one unlocked door
然后轻轻地推一下支撑梁
and gently push on the support beam.
爱福利公♥司♥便会名副其实地垮台了
Lovely Corp would literally come tumbling down.
幸好我学过艺术品修复
Good thing I studied art restoration.
吉娜这周日要嫁给查尔斯爱福利？
Gina's marrying Charles Lovely this Sunday?
我们必须阻止婚礼！
W-We-- we need to stop the wedding!
我们难道不该趁大家都在婚礼上时
Uh, shouldn't we take advantage of everyone being at the wedding
溜进去一劳永逸干掉爱福利公♥司♥吗？
and sneak into Lovely Corp and take it down once and for all?
闭上你的臭嘴 北佬！
Shut your fucking mouth, Norf!
我们难道不该趁大家都在婚礼上时
Uh, shouldn't we take advantage of everyone being at the wedding
溜进去一劳永逸干掉爱福利公♥司♥吗？
to sneak into Lovely Corp and take it down once and for all?
你说得对 克拉珀探员
You're right, Agent Clappers.
我太自私了 这是个完美的计划
I was being selfish. That's the perfect plan.
所以 你就是《凉拌警♥察♥》的主角
So! You're the star of Cole's Law!
我都没认出来你就是那个斯特
I didn't realize you were that Thester Carbomb IV.
就你知我知
Just between us,
我其实暗地里也出演了CBS另一部熟食剧的主角 嘿
I am also secretly the star of a deli-based CBS drama, heh.
他是一位在熟食店卧底的顽强记者
He's a hard-nosed reporter undercover at a deli.
玛索球独家新闻 今秋上线CBS！
Matzo Ball Scoop! This fall on CBS.
有谁暗地里出演了CBS的熟食剧 请举手
Raise your hand if you're secretly starring in a deli-based CBS drama.
我要去给共和党大学生吹♥箫♥！
I wanna blow some college Republicans!
多尔-肯普万岁！
Dole-Kemp forever!
子弹 她十分钟后就该上安德森库珀的节目了！
Bullet! She is supposed to be on Anderson Cooper in ten minutes!
你得想想办法
You've got to fix this!
放轻松 我正好有东西可以让她冷静下来
Relax. I got just the thing to level her off.
我的下一位嘉宾将在这里聊聊她是如何
My next guest is here to talk about how she's fighting
在自己的小镇上与毒品泛滥作斗争的
against drug abuse in her town.
现在有请市长凯伦克劳…
I'm now joined by Mayor Karen Craw--
那么 哇哦
So… Wow.
跟我们说说天堂镇的全新市政模式吧
Tell us about Paradise's new civic model.
我才是真正的恶魔
I am the one true devil,
恶魔大屌♥的黑暗主宰！
the dark master of the demon phallus!
市长 你似乎被你自己的手指头分心了
Mayor, you seem to be a little distracted. By your own fingers.
现在你又啃起自己的手指头了
Which you now seem to be eating.
哦 天哪 不
Oh God, no.
被婊♥子♥主宰的双手 你无法再奴役我了！
Whorey host manos, you shall enslave me no longer!
继续我们的“政♥治♥中的女性”环节
To continue our Women in Politics segment,
下一位嘉宾 南希佩洛西
my next guest, Nancy Pelosi.
哦 真是臭死了
Oh, that's skunky.
千万别动 达斯提 你是配重
Now, don't move, Dusty. You're the counterweight.
哦 麦当劳！三叶草奶昔！
McDonald's! Shamrock Shake!
现在已经十月了
It's October.
我们又不在爱尔兰 笨蛋！
Not in Ireland, dumbass!
该死！
Shit! Shit! Shit!
快碰到了
Almost there!
现在更糟了
And now it's worse.
看吧 我告诉过你了 我很了解恐龙
Uh, see? See? I told you, I, uh, know a lot about dinosaurs, uh.
没错 没错 看见了吧 这就是混沌理论
Yes. Yes, yes, yes. Yes, see, that-- now, that's the chaos theory.
快跑孩子们 快跑！
Run, kids! Run!
我弄到了三叶草奶昔！
Ha! Got my Shamrock Shake!
你只要拿枪指着他们 他们就会帮你做的
They'll make you one if you point a gun at 'em.
我妈呢？
Where's Mama?
多亏了这些小宝贝 这房♥子不是唯一能直立起飞的东西了
Thanks to these babies, this house ain't the only thing that's up.
我想回家！
I wanna go home!
啊 闭嘴！
Gah, shut up!
（爱福利新欢）
吉娜为什么要嫁给这个变♥态♥？
Why would Gina marry this wacko?
又一个美女爱上了查尔斯爱福利
"Another beautiful woman falls for Charles Lovely."
不好意思 凯文宝宝 这个问题就让大人们来处理吧
Excuse me, Baby Kevin. Let the grown-ups handle this.
又...一个...
"Anoh-ther…
美...
be-- boo-- ootiful…
女...
wa-- waoman…"
这里还有一个 又有一个
Here's another one. And another one.
哦我的天啊 她们都死了！
Oh my God. They're all dead!
天啊 这家伙对女人造成的不可逆伤害比安迪科恩还严重！
Christ! This guy's caused more irreparable harm to women than Andy Cohen!
你认为他把他历任妻子都杀了？
You think he killed all his wives?
瞧瞧这个
And look at this.
这些女人都有什么共同点呢？
What do all these women have in common?
大胸？
Boobies?
好眼力 老兄 你还看出了什么吗？
Good eye, bud. You see anything else?
阴♥道♥吗
Beavers?
她们都长得像吉娜！
They all look like Gina!
而且她们的吊坠跟吉娜现在戴着的一模一样
And they're all wearing the exact same locket she's wearing right now.
爱福利一定在用这个来控制她们的心智
Lovely must use that to control their minds.
不然这个怪胎是怎么征服这个翘臀美女的？
How else could that freakwad score such grade-A ass?
哦糟了 我该怎么办？
Oh no. What should I do?
你得救救她 老兄
You gotta save her, bro.
你得赶在你的小女朋友像其他人一样死掉之前
Before your little girlfriend winds up dead like all the rest.
你说得对 谢谢你的帮助 我该怎么报答你呢 小弟？
You're right. Thanks for the favor, little brother. How could I repay you?
把我藏起来 别让妈妈看见！快点！她要来了
Hide me from Mom! Quick! She's coming!
凯文宝宝 你在哪里呀？
Baby Kevin? Where are you?
该讲睡前故事了！
It's time for your bedtime story!
哇哦 妈妈什么时候变成艾伦了？
Whoa. When did Mom turn into Ellen?
瞧瞧你做了什么