天堂镇警局（2018）

（爱福利公♥司♥）
欢迎来到爱福利艺术博物馆的盛大开幕典礼
Welcome to the grand opening of the Lovely Museum of Fine Art.
天堂镇很久没这么有文化了
This is the most culture this town has had
上次还是流浪警♥察♥传染大家脓疱疮呢
since Hobo-Cop gave us all impetigo.
我爱抱抱
I'm a hugger.
今晚 我们荣幸邀请到著名艺术评论家但丁狄德罗
We are honored to have famous art critic Dante Diderot here tonight.
不用怀疑他的资质 他是同性恋
And if anyone doubts his credentials, he is gay.
但丁 就这些伟大的艺术作品讲几句
Dante, please say a few words about these magnificent works of art.
艺术家个个坑人
Every artist is a hack.
连搞出拉斯科洞窟壁画的那些半猴也不例外
Even those half-monkeys who made the Lascaux cave paintings.
艺术都是垃圾
All art is shit.
多么励志
Inspiring.
我一直没看明白这幅画 你喜欢吗？
I never quite understood this one. Do you like it?
喜欢吗？靠 我也在画中！
Like it? Hell, I'm in it.
本来的画名叫 《霍普森给外星巫师吹♥箫♥》
The original title was Hopson Blowing Alien Wizard.
原来如此
It all finally makes sense.
凯伦克劳福德 希望这座博物馆给你带来
Karen Crawford, I hope this museum gives you
人类积极的快乐情绪
the positive human emotion of happiness.
比凯马特超♥市♥的盒装红酒强多了
More than a box of Kmart wine.
你丈夫在哪里？
Where is your husband?
我喜欢在摄入营养时间 一边跟他探讨足部球类
I enjoyed discussing human feet-ball with him at the sustenance hour
一边消耗吸收陆地牛类哺乳动物的肉
as we consumed and digested the flesh of bovine land mammal.
我不知道该怎么回应
I don't know how to respond to that,
姑且多露点事业线吧
so I'm just gonna show more cleavage, okay?
该死 我迟到了 凯伦非杀了我不可
Ah, shit, I'm late. Karen's gonna kill me.
我说 Siri
Hey, Siri.
没有Siri 只有弗拉德
No Siri. Only Vlad.
弗拉德？好吧 看来爱福利手♥机♥配弗拉德
Vlad? All right. I guess Lovely Phones have Vlad.
好了 弗拉德 带我去博物馆
Okay, Vlad. Route me to the museum.
博物馆没意思 弗拉德给你找妹子 保你喜欢
You don't want go to museum. Vlad get you girls. You like.
啥？不行 我要知道去博物馆的路线！
What? No, I need directions to the museum!
不去博物馆 去脱衣舞俱乐部
No museum. Strip club.
“铁幕阴♥户♥”路线规划中
Routing to the Iron Beef Curtain.
什么？我不去…
Huh? I'm not going to the--
哟 那里有自助餐？
Wow. They have a buffet?
什么叫“你在俄♥国♥奶♥子♥吧”？
What do you mean you're at a Russian titty bar?
手♥机♥怎么会逼你呢？
How could your phone make you?
吉娜 你不能总躲着我 我需要答案
Gina, you've gotta stop avoiding me and give me some answers.
凯文 我也在寻找答案 然后我遇到了查尔斯
I was searching for answers too, Kevin, until I met Charles,
他就是我一切问题的答案
and now he's my answer to everything.
这一点都不像你
You're not acting like yourself.
一连四个月不见踪影
You disappear for four months
然后突然出现 还跟一个猥琐老头订婚了…
then show up engaged to some creepy fucking weirdo who--
而他突然出现在我身边了呢
Too suddenly right next to me.
凯文阿夫卡 很高兴通过视觉皮层感知你
It is a pleasure to perceive you through my visual cortex, Kevin AFKAK.
我最亲爱的人类朋友 今天怎样啊？
How is my dearest human friend today?
我们昨天见过
We met yesterday?
你居然觉得时间是线性的 好可爱
It is adorable you perceive time in a line.
别担心
Don't be alarmed.
爱福利先生和他的影子时常不和
There's just a bit of bad blood between Mr. Lovely and his shadow.
老板们 我说得对吗？
Bosses. Am I right?
你们这些有钱的白杂碎 要不要来几块“利脆”？
Would you rich crackers like some Ritz Crackers?
难以置信 为了养儿子
Oh, I can't believe we had to take these bullshit jobs
咱们还得干这种狗屁差事
just to make money to support our son.
没事啦
We'll be fine.
我只需要想办法从这帮有钱人手里骗一笔
I just need to figure out a way to scam these rich people out of their money, that's all.
子弹 你得快点
Yeah, Bullet, well, you need to hurry up.
老是伺候淫棍吃鱼条 我都腻歪了
I'm tired of serving fish sticks to fuck sticks.
你以为我们好过吗？半数吃的都跟我们沾亲！
You think this is easy for us? We're related to half of the food!
别担心 杰瑞 吸盘舅舅去极乐世界了
Don't worry, Jerry. Uncle Suckers is in a better place now.
我的小肚肚！
My little ol' belly.
记住 杰瑞 生活比生意更重要！
Remember, Jerry. There's more to life than business!
达斯提 你来做什么？你又没受邀
What are you doing here, Dusty? You weren't invited.
我是来结交有钱的胖猫 而不是喜欢猫的死胖子！
I'm trying to rub elbows with fat cats, not fat men who love cats.
别担心 我不会给你丢人的！
Don't worry. I ain't gonna embarrass you.
完蛋 怎么没人告诉我
Uh-oh. Now, why didn't nobody tell me
培根虾卷里面有虾！
there was shcrumps in the bacon-wrapped shcrumps!
我对虾过敏！
I'm allergic to shcrumps!
别碰艺术品！
Don't touch the art!
我说了 别碰艺术品！
I said don't touch the art.
凯伦 对不起！
Karen, I'm sorry.
干嘛对不起？
Sorry for what?
从业多年 我一直说艺术很屎
I've spent my whole career saying art is shit.
现如今屎倒很艺术 我又有感觉了
Now shit is art, and it made me feel again.
这人太有才了！
This man is a genius.
啥？
What?!
这件我要定了
I must have it.
起拍价一百万
Let's start the bidding at onemillion.
我出一千万！
I'll do ten.
成交！比尔盖茨竞价成功！
Sold! To Bill Gates.
让“盖茨基金会”汇钱
Wire the funds from the Gates Foundation.
那笔钱不是要用来帮助发展中国家避免少女怀孕的吗？
Isn't that money supposed to help prevent teen pregnancy in developing nations?
让他们肛♥交♥就是了
Eh, they can just do anal.
弗拉德 我明天看牙约在几点？
Hey, Vlad. What time is my dentist appointment tomorrow?
弗拉德取消了看牙预约
Vlad cancel dentist.
给你约了我表弟布里莫
Make you appointment with my cousin Bleemo.
他能给你优♥惠♥
He get you good price.
可以打一折 因为他给马看牙
Ninety percent off because he's horse dentist.
我才不找兽医看牙！
I ain't going to no horse dentist!
别担心 他给你全换新的
He get you all new teeth. Don't worry.
我不需要新牙！
I don't need new teeth!
布里莫给你换大的
Bleemo give you big teeth.
上下各两颗
Two on top, two on bottom.
威风凛凛 妹子喜欢 你也喜欢
You'll get big respect. Girls will love it. You will love it.
你可以穿过栅栏吃苹果
You eat apple through fence.
你说得我都动心了
I mean, you are selling it.
是我 我需要女性的建议
It's me. I need a woman's advice,
而你是唯一一个跟我说话的女人
and you're the only woman who will speak to me.
好好 我知道每分钟八块九毛九
Yeah, yeah. I-I know it's 8.99 a minute.
哦…是吗？你还可以上门？
Oh. Oh! You do house calls too?
行啊 来吧
Well, come on over.
你那性感的声音 陪我打了几个月飞机了
I wanna meet the woman behind the sexy voice
我也想见见真人
I've been jerking off to for months.
嗨 心肝儿！
Hey, baby.
你是只猫？
You're a cat?
你说在盒子里拉屎 我还以为你是在撩我
I thought you were trying to turn me on when you said you shit in a box.
是啊 你有问题 跟我说说你的前女友
Yeah, something's wrong with you. Tell me about your ex-girlfriend.
她回到镇上了 还…
Well, she came back to town and--
成了克隆人
She's a clone.
你怎么知道有克隆设施？
How did you know about the cloning facility?
什么克隆设施？
What cloning facility?
那你为什么说她是克隆人？
Why-- why did you say she was a clone?
我哪知道 我就是鬼扯而已
I don't know. I just say shit.
吉娜是克隆人 难怪她那么反常
Gina being a clone would explain why she's not acting like herself.
既然我们认为她是克隆人 下一步就要证明这一点
Now that we've established that she's a clone, we gotta prove it.
真正的吉娜有没有什么克隆人不会有的伤疤或纹身？
Does the real Gina have any scars or tattoos that the clone wouldn't have?
真正的吉娜没有阴蒂！
The real Gina doesn't have a clit!
没有阴蒂？
No clit?!
我靠！
Goddamn!
我是说 真衰 虽然我的已经悬于一线了
I mean, shit, mine's hanging on by a thread,
瞅着跟嚼巴过的葡萄干巧克力似的
looking like a chewed-up Raisinet,
但至少还在啊 心肝儿
but it's still there, baby.
你的意思是
So what you're saying is,
如果我们能瞅一眼吉娜的“妹妹” 如果有阴蒂
if we can get a look at Gina's lady area, and she has a clit,
就说明她是克隆人！
it will prove she's a clone!
弗拉德 偷看前女友阴♥部♥ 用什么法子最好？
Hey, Vlad. What is the best way to get a peek at your ex-girlfriend's vagina?
看什么前女友的
You don't want see your ex-girlfriend's vagina.
我表妹奥尔加的才正点
You want see my cousin Olga's vagina.
她的阴♥道♥强壮如驼鹿下巴
She got big strong vagina, like moose jaw.
想看照片不？
Want I send pics?
不要