天堂镇警局（2018）

（红色龙虾 龙虾节即将开幕）
抱歉 爱福利先生要迟到了
Sorry, Mr. Lovely is running late.
他喜欢突然出现 让我犯点小心脏病
He likes to appear suddenly and give me a mini heart attack.
他好神秘！再多跟我讲讲查尔斯爱福利吧
He's so mysterious. Tell me more about Charles Lovely.
我去年在一个招聘会上认识了他
Well, I met him last year at a job fair,
但我觉得自己早就认识他了
but I feel like I've known him longer,
因为从三岁起 他就一直会在我的噩梦里出现
because he's been appearing in my nightmares since I was three.
还有什么？
What else? Uh…
当他走进一个房♥间时 里面的温度总会骤降五度
It always gets about five degrees colder when he enters a room.
我从没见过他吃东西 我猜他是以负面情绪为食吧
I've never seen him eat. I think he feeds on negative emotions.
哦！还有个有趣的花边新闻
Oh! This is a funny tidbit.
如果你和他眼神接触超过了五秒
If you maintain more than five seconds of eye contact with him,
你就会丧失理智一个星期
you'll go insane for a week.
但未必是当下的那个星期
But not necessarily this week.
他…
He's, uh…
来了
Here.
很高兴见到你 天堂镇的凯伦克劳福德
Good to see you, Karen Crawford of Paradise.
血型 O型阴性 生于1969年4月2日
Blood type O-negative, born April 2nd, 1969,
将死于2042年6月24日
shall die June 24, 2042.
慢着 什么？
Wait, what?
我想把我的公♥司♥立刻搬来天堂镇！
I desire to move my company to Paradise immediately!
我必须要把爱福利公♥司♥的总部建在这里
This is the location where I must construct Lovely Corp headquarters.
罗比和呆伯特的房♥子就在那块地上
Robby and Delbert's house is on that land.
事前提醒一下 他们可能会非常难搞
Just a heads-up, they can be difficult.
像佛罗里达北部的人那么难搞
Like, North Florida difficult.
这个不成问题 那就这么定了
It will not be a problem. It is settled then.
天堂镇是爱福利公♥司♥的新家
Paradise is the new home of Lovely Corp.
你只需要签一份标准的基本合同
You just need to sign a standard basic contract.
我得花差不多一个月才能读完这些吧
It'll take me, like, a month to read this.
你运气好 我喜欢惊喜！我要在哪里签名？
Lucky for you, I like surprises. Where do I sign?
慢着！
Wait!
爱福利先生希望他的合同都是用处♥女♥血签的
Mr. Lovely requires all his contracts be signed with the blood of a virgin.
这支才刚签过他的督教青年会会员协议
This one's fresh from his YMCA membership agreement.
不用担心 它不会伤害你的…
Don't worry. It won't hurt ya--
处理文件就得这样
And that's how you handle the paper work.
餐垫上有个连线图
Oh. There's a connect-the-dots on the place mat.
（欢迎来到天堂镇）
你跟那个想在镜头外
What'd you tell that Lovely feller
买♥♥我们房♥子的人说了些什么？
that came around wanting to buy our house off-camera?
我让那个王八蛋用我纤细的老二剔牙去
I told that son of a bitch to floss his teeth with my skinny peter.
场面很好笑 真希望能有人看到
It was really funny. I wish somebody could've seen it.
总之 我不能把这里卖♥♥掉
Anyway. I can't sell this place.
这破房♥子在我们家传了好几代了
This crack house has been in my family for generations.
两年？ -嗯 我们可没住那么久
Two years? -Yeah, we don't live that long.
你早餐想吃什么？
What do you want for breakfast, Robby?
和每天早上一样 “快克”可♥卡♥因♥加Go-Gurt酸奶
Same as every morning. A crack rock and a Go-Gurt.
“快克”没了 罗比
We're out of crack, Robby.
该死 你把空“快克”盒放在橱柜里面
Damn it, Delbert! How am I supposed to know we're out of crack
我要怎么知道“快克”没了？
if you put the empty crack box back in the cabinet?
你要去哪里？ -出去买♥♥点“快克”
Where you going? -Out to buy some crack.
因为某些人没有把它加在购物清单上
'Cause somebody didn't put it on the shopping list.
（爱福利公♥司♥）
你出来做什么？
What are you doing out here?
我要出去买♥♥点“快克”当早餐
I'm just going outside to buy some breakfast crack.
只有员工可以进入本大厅
Only employees are allowed in the lobby.
我们该怎么办？
What are we gonna do, Robby?
除非我们在这家公♥司♥工作 否则就没办法穿过大厅了
We can't cross the lobby to go buy crack unless we work for this company.
我们要出其不意 呆伯特
We about to do the unthinkable, Delbert.
找份工作
Get jobs.
这会是次疯狂的冒险吗？
Is this gonna be some kind of loony adventure?
估计不是
I doubt it.
（罗比与呆伯特为买♥♥“快克”找工作）
欢迎光临爱福利公♥司♥！
Welcome to Lovely Corp.
我们公♥司♥有数百个部门
Our company has hundreds of divisions
产品更是种类繁多
and produces a wide variety of products.
比如爱福利手♥机♥
Like the Lovely Phone.
免费送给大家！
Which are yours for free!
免费样品？和“好市多”一样！
Free samples? Just like Costco!
可惜我被“好市多”列入了黑名单
Too bad I got banned from Costco
因为我太过激动 吃掉了一整个托盘
'cause I got too excited and ate a whole tray.
似乎有些小题大做了
That seems like an overreaction.
这话你跟托盘的老婆去说吧 因为她现在是单亲妈妈了
Try telling that to Tray's wife. 'Cause she's a single mother now.
把手♥机♥滑到最下面 点击用户协议上的“同意”就行了
Just scroll to the bottom on your phone and click yes on the user agreement.
它把我割伤了！
Ow! It cut me!
只是收集一点DNA而已
It's just collecting a little DNA.
话说 我在麋鹿小屋的浴室也是收集“DNA”
You know, I do the same thing in the bathroom at the Elks Lodge.
我以为查尔斯爱福利会来
I thought Charles Lovely would be here.
哦 他在啊 他正在从那幅画里看着我们呢
Oh, he's here. He's watching us from that painting.
爱福利先生是史酷比玩笑的忠实粉丝
Mr. Lovely is a big fan of Scooby-Doo gags.
所以他才会让我戴着这个
That's why he makes me wear this.
他还要求你们今晚和他共进晚餐
He has also requested that you join him for dinner tonight
这样他就能见见你的家人 而你也能见见他的未婚妻
so he can meet your family, and you can meet his fiancée.
今晚？
Tonight? Eugh.
要现在组建一个不令我尴尬的家庭有点来不及 所以…
A little late to pull together a family I'm not embarrassed of, so…
你在说些什么呢？
What are you talking about?
你上一次举办重要活动时 我可是派对的灵魂人物
I was the life of the party the last time you had an important event.
去你的 凯伦 你♥爸♥爸肯定会喜欢这个
Oh, fuck you, Karen. Your dad would have loved this.
各位 感觉那副画一直跟着我到处走
Hey, guys? Feels like that painting is following me around the room.
这是我们的运输部
This is our shipping department.
任何尺寸的产品 我们都会当天送达
We ship any size product with same-day delivery.
任何尺寸都能运送？
You ship any size?
看来有个人可以不用走两条街
Looks like somebody just got out of walking two blocks
回到他的公♥寓♥去了
back to his apartment.
（发泡塑料花生）
太棒了！他们还准备了免费的海盗宝藏 以免我肚子饿
Goop! They even got free Pirate Booty in case I get hungry.
不知道为什么 味道苦苦的
Tastes bitter for some reason.
这是我们的爱福利虚拟现实部门
This is our Lovely Virtual Reality department.
好酷啊！我想去看看
Oh, cool! I wanna check that out.
这是爱福利VR
This is Lovely VR,
你能想象到的最真实的体验
the most realistic experience imaginable.
它会扫描你的记忆 然后重建你的世界…
It scans your memories and recreates your world--
给我！
Gimme, gimme, gimme!
（加载中）
嘿 那样很危险的！它还在试验阶段！
Hey! That could be dangerous! It's experimental!
我昨晚把我的老二插♥进♥了一罐温暖的意大利饺子里面
Oh, I stuck my dick in a warm can of ravioli last night.
我不怕做试验
I'm not afraid to experiment.
你现在可以走了吗？
Can you leave now?
这些是我们用你手♥机♥上采集的DNA克隆出来的你
Here are your clones we made from the DNA your phone collected.
啊 我这个还有我的小八字胡呢
Aw. Mine's got my little moustache.
还有你的小鸡鸡
Aw, and your little dick too.
去操你自己吧 霍普森！
Go fuck yourself, Hopson!
那我就不客气了
Don't mind if I do.
干嘛拉长个脸啊 阿夫卡？
Why the long face, AFKAK?
我本来很想试试爱福利VR 逃避一下我失败的人生
I was excited to try Lovely VR and escape my shitty life,
但他们不让我试
but they won't let me.
我偷了一个爱福利VR眼镜
I actually stole one of those Lovely VR headsets,
如果你帮我们把简历填好 我就把它送给你
and I'll give it to you if you help us fill out ourrésumé.
我们被这个问题难住了
We got stuck on this question.
名字？你们不会拼自己的名字？
Name? You guys don't know how to spell your own names?
我会唱我奶奶教我的字母歌♥
Well, I know the alphabet song my meemaw taught me.
♪“R”就是勃起的“P”♪
♪ "R" is the "P" with a hard-on♪
♪“Q”是长尾巴的菊花♪
♪ "Q" is an asshole with a tail♪
♪“H”是两个好朋友在碰鸡鸡头♪
♪ "H" is two fellows touching cock tips♪
不如我出钱买♥♥那个VR眼镜怎么样？
What if I just buy the VR headset?
好啊 300美元很公道吧？
Okay. $300 sound fair?
哇 好真实！
Oh, wow! It's so realistic!
是啊 你现在是在游戏里呢
Oh, yeah, yeah. Y-You're in the game now.
我根本不是真人
I-I'm not even real.
叫我VR吧 因为我是虚拟罗比
Call me VR, 'cause I'm Virtual Robby.
叫我VD 因为我有花柳病
Call me VD, 'cause I got VD.
我今晚要和亿万富翁共进晚餐
I'm having dinner with a billionaire tonight,
所以我得展现出最好的一面
so I need to look my best.
请转身
Turn around, please.