天堂镇警局（2018）

Bark! Uh, bark! Fuck. Bark!
别把他逼上树！现在他爬上电线了！
No, no! Don't run him up a tree! Now he's on the power line!
嘿 别咬电线 你个笨蛋！
Hey! Don't chew through the power line, you stupid asshole!
嘿 我回来了 该死
Hey! I'm back. Oh fuck.
天啊 谢天谢地 这墙边桌帮我挡了一下
Man. Thank God this side table broke my fall.
你想见我
You wanted to see me?
是啊 告诉你我放弃了
Yeah, to tell you that I give up.
你放进我身体里的那只松鼠 把我折腾了个够呛
That squirrel you put in my body really screwed me over.
什么？我没跟你老婆上♥床♥！那不是我♥干♥的！
What? I did not fuck your wife! That was not me!
一会儿再说 混♥蛋♥！
Right back at you, asshole.
告诉你的贱♥人♥老婆 多谢害我染上松鼠淋病！
And tell your bitch wife thanks for the squirrel gonorrhea.
总之 你赢了伊隆 握个手？
Anyway. You win, Elon. Shake on it?
美死你！
Joke's on you!
你来这里之前 我尿在了手上
'Cause right before you got here, I peed all over my hand.
感觉如何 嘘隆？
How does that feel,Pee-lon?
兰德尔克劳福德
Randall Crawford.
你们松鼠怎么会有我的电♥话♥？
How did you squirrels get this number?
你疯了吗？我不会每月付你三个橡子的抚养费
You out of your mind? I'm not paying you three acorns a month in child support.
我们松鼠法庭上见！
Well, I'll see you in squirrel court!
我的富兰克林造币厂纪念公鸡碟都哪去了？
Where the hell are all my Franklin Mint commemorative rooster plates?
我发誓 要是达斯提打碎了
I swear, if Dusty chipped one of those plates,
我就踢烂他的可爱小蛋蛋
I'll kick him right in his cute little, teeny-weeny testicles!
嗲嗲 认识一下我女友
Diddy, meet my girlfriend.
我花了一万块买♥♥衣服 还报了好几个钟头的把妹达人班
I spent $10,000 on new clothes, took hours of pickup artist classes,
后来发现这些没用 我就找了一个没品味
and when that didn't work, I found a girl with no taste.
没眼光 没听觉 没嗅觉和触觉的妞儿
Or sight, hearing, smell, or touch.
跟我那些顶级货色确实不是一路
Well, she sure ain't like the high-class tens that I pull.
我靠 你又在品客薯片桶里拉屎了？
Goddamn! Are you shitting in a Pringles can again?
不管怎样 达斯提 你上了她没有？
Anyway, Dusty, did you at least crush her puss?
远不止呢
Oh, I crushed way more than that.
没啥了不起 不行 柠檬排没你的份
Not impressed. No lemon bars for you.
你比起你嗲嗲差远了 除非你穿越回去
You ain't a tough man like your diddy till you go back in time
暴揍恐龙
and kick a dinosaur's ass.
什么？你也没做过那些呀
What? You ain't never done that.
你觉得那些贱♥货♥怎么灭绝的？
How you think them bitches went extinct?
该死 子弹随时可能到家
Oh shit. Bullet will be home any second.
要是他发现我把你的丁丁剪了 肯定会要了我的命的
If he finds out I had your schmeckle snipped, he's gonna kill me.
也许他注意不到
Well, maybe he won't notice.
狗狗爸爸回家了！赶快过来 让爸爸闻闻你的屁屁和鸡鸡
Doggy Daddy's home! Now, get over here and let Daddy sniff your ass and penis.
菲兹 咱儿子穿个尿不湿做什么鬼？
Fitz, why is our son wearing a bloody diaper?
烤汁猪排堡回归了呗？
The McRib is back?
脱掉 现在是家庭洗澡时间
Whatever. Take it off. It's family bath time.
不如今晚就咱俩洗
Bullet, why don't the two of us do family bath time tonight
别让儿子掺合了
and leave Junior out of it?
两个大男人泡澡 不带小正太 那也太奇怪了
Two grown men in a bath without a small boy? That'd be weird.
这是什么鬼？
What the fuck is this?
你背着我把他的包皮割了！
You got him circumcised behind my back!
子弹 我知道这样不对 但听我解释
Now, Bullet, I-I know it was wrong, but I had a good reason.
我做了个可怕的梦
I had a scary dream.
看看你做了什么 现在他的口红连管都没有了
Look at what you've done, Fitz. Now his lipstick won't even go back in the tube.
看起来就像融化的红色蜡笔 从奶油煎饼卷里探头
Looks like a melted red crayon peeking out of a half-eaten cannoli.
你说得对 子弹 起来像是穿高领的红色绿巨人
You're right, Bullet. Shit looks like red Hulk in a turtleneck.
我不该背着你乱来 现在怎么解决？
I shouldn't have gone behind your back. How can I make this right?
我们要拿回儿子的包皮
We're going to get my son's foreskin back.
看啊 子弹 白捡一罐品客薯片
Look, Bullet. A free can of Pringles.
我的天！
Oh my God!
专心点 真是的
Focus, for Christ's sake.
儿子的包皮一定就在这附近
Junior's foreskin has to be here somewhere.
在那儿呢 就在那个包皮怪兽脑瓜顶
Oh, there it is. On top of that monster made out of foreskins.
我就说过会这样！
I told you this was gonna happen.
什么？你才没有！
What? No, you did not!
（割包皮副作用 包皮怪兽！）
真是见了鬼了
Well, I'll be damned.
给你 怪兽！免费品客薯片！
Here, monster! Free Pringles!
我的个天！
Oh my God!
♪性♥爱♥宝宝不哭不闹♪
♪ Hush, baby sex doll. Don't cry and wail ♪
♪造你出来的家伙活该去坐牢♪
♪ Whoever made you should be in jail ♪
史黛西 你能不能接替我看一会你家娃？
Stacey, could you maybe take a shift with your baby?
我都陪他熬了一宿了
I've been up all night with him.
不好意思 我们正用劲学习呢
Sorry. We're studying so hard in here.
阿夫卡克劳福德的快递
Delivery for AFKAK Crawford.
我们是史黛西的父母 搬到这里来陪外孙的
We're Stacey's parents. We're moving in to spend time with our grandbaby.
好吧
Okay.
你还真是欲求不满 老子喜欢
You are insatiable! And I fucking dig it.
请不要杀了我们！
Please don't kill us!
你居然拿我当那种包皮怪兽 好伤人
Whoa! I'm offended you'd assume I'm that kind of foreskin monster.
好吧 冷静 我们没什么特别的意思
All right. Take it easy. We didn't mean anything by it.
抱歉 我很敏感
Sorry, I'm very sensitive.
恶心
Gross.
那你为什么追我们？
So why'd you chase us?
你是来给我们讲割包皮的危险吗？
Are you here to teach us a lesson about the dangers of circumcision?
才不是！我是要给你们讲
Heck no! I'm here to tell you about the benefits of…
康宝莱的益处
Herbalife.
世界上质量最好的非药监局认证补充剂
The highest quality supplements on earth not approved by the FDA.
我要给你们一个千载难逢的机会
I'm offering you the once-in-a-lifetime chance
让你们成为康宝莱钻石经销商
to become Diamond-Level Herbalife distributors.
你能取得怎样的成功？瞧瞧我
How successful could you be? Well, look at me.
这辆丰田赛利卡可不是大风刮来的
This Toyota Celica didn't buy its fucking self.
如果包皮怪兽都能赚这么多
If a foreskin monster can make scratch like this,
那你们得有多厉害啊
imagine what you could do.
问题是 你们准备好迎接成功了吗？
So the question is, are you ready to say yes to success?
看吧 这就是我反对割包皮的原因
See? This is why I'm against circumcision.
达斯提 你在干嘛？
What are you doing, Dusty?
嗨 霍普森
Oh hey, Hopson.
我在制♥造♥时间机器 这样就能和嗲嗲一样
I'm just building a time machine so I can kick a dinosaur's ass
去暴揍恐龙了
just like my diddy did.
我只是个爱射♥精♥的老头
I'm just a cum-loving old man,
但依我看 你♥爸♥好像
but to me, it seems like your dad
满嘴跑火车
may be full of shit.
你怎么这么说！
How dare you!
我嗲嗲诚实又勇猛！
My diddy is as honest as he is tough!
滚开 霍普森 我在搞量子物理
Now, get lost, Hopson. I'm doing quantum physics here.
你小子跑快点 我需要1.21沙鼠瓦特
Run faster, you little bitch! I need me 1.21 gerbil-watts!
你到底对伊隆马斯克做了什么？
The hell did you do to Elon Musk?
他坐在赛博皮卡里不肯出来 就是一个劲儿地哭
He won't come out of his Cybertruck. He-- he's just sitting in there crying.
你得去道歉
You have to go and apologize.
也许他应该向我道歉才对！
Maybe he should be the one apologizing to me.
我今早去了松鼠法庭 折腾得很
I had to go to squirrel court this morning, and it did not go well.
一个月四个橡子？你疯了吗？冬天就要来了
Four acorns a month? Are you crazy? Winter is coming.
别担心 每次都这样
Don't worry about that. Happens, like, every time.
我老婆非让我跟你道歉 说我不该叫你嘘隆
Hey, my wife's making me apologize for calling you Pee-lon
尽管真的很搞笑 但对不起
even though it was funny as fuck, so, I'm sorry.
你这恋童癖还不错
You're not such a bad guy. For a pedo.
你说什么？
What did you say?
恋童癖！
Pedo! Pedo! Pedo! Pedo!
我要揍死你这猥琐怪胎！
I am about to kick your weird little ass!
一点都不酷 我要让你见识一下赛博皮卡的一样特殊性能
Uncool. I think I'll show you one of the special features of the Cybertruck.
我是钢铁马斯克 好酷！
I am Iron Musk! It's pretty cool!
该死
Oh shit.
松鼠法官！不！
Squirrel Judge! No!
（睾丸酮贴片）
史黛西 你和查德这两大家子人
Stacey, it's nice that all of your and Chad's extended families
搬来这里虽说是挺好的
decided to move in,
但我的公♥寓♥现在也太挤了
but my apartment's getting a little cramped.
我一直都想跟你谈谈这事儿
I've been meaning to talk to you about that.
老实说 你跟我的家人待在这里有点奇怪
Honestly, it is a little weird that you're here with my family.
你最好搬出去 并且继续交房♥租
I think it would be best if you moved out, but continued to pay the rent.
你说得对 我不打扰你们 我走
You're right. I didn't mean to intrude on your life. I'll go.
在我走之前 你们有谁能跟我嘿♥咻♥吗？
Before I go, can I have sex with any of you?
我们正来月经呢！
We're on our periods!
这样多好？之前你还不想让我切开房♥子把你弄出来
Oh, isn't this nice? And you didn't want me to cut you out of the house.
嗲嗲 我做到了！