天堂镇警局（2018）

那么抵抗军到底是个什么玩意儿？
So, what exactly is the resistance?
反抗军是个团队
The resistance is a team.
我喜欢成为团队的一员
I for one love being part of the team.
你♥他♥妈♥闭嘴 北佬！
Shut the fuck up, Norf!
你根本不是队员 北佬
You're not on the team, Norf!
我在“跑腿兔”上雇了你来穿我
I hired you on Taskrabbit to wear me,
不是让你说话 思考 更不是让你跟我们讲你的宠物蜥蜴故事
not to speak or think or tell us stories about your pet lizards.
其实 它们是睫角守宫 名叫萨姆和黛安 它们…
Actually, they're crested geckos named Sam and Diane, and they--
没人在乎 北佬！
Nobody gives a fuck, Norf!
我有点想听听蜥蜴的故事 心肝儿
I kinda wanted to hear the lizard story, baby.
我猜它们最后在一起了
I bet they end up together.
爱情永远是赢家
Love always win.
闭嘴 我才是老大 你们这群白♥痴♥！
Shut up! I'm the boss, you idiots!
这里我说了算！
I'm in total control!
北佬 请帮我挠挠鼻子
Norf, scratch my nose, please?
噢 就是这样
Oh, that's the stuff.
现在 在我使用富有感情♥色♥彩的嗓音时 戏剧性地往前走三步
Now, take three dramatic steps as I use my intense voice.
我们是反抗军
We are the resistance.
我们的任务 便是叮铃哐啷毁灭爱福利公♥司♥
Our mission is to ding-dang destroy Lovely Corp
来满足我们所有的私人恩怨
to satisfy all of our own personal vendettas.
他们把杰瑞和我的甜甜圈店整得没生意了！
They put Jerry and my donut shop out of business!
他们是让我起死回生了 没错
They raised me from the dead, yeah,
然后他们居然逼我学PPT
and then forced me to learn PowerPoint.
爱福利公♥司♥搞起羞辱虐待那套来真是太熟练了 把我工作都抢了
Lovely Corp degrades and abuses people so much that I'm losing work.
已经好几周都没人付钱让我把他们的排污管变成水帘洞
It's been weeks since anybody paid me to turn their stink hole into a sinkhole.
我只是来见亚伯林肯的
I'm just here to meet Abe Lincoln.
最好找个人把煤气泄漏给修好
Somebody better fix that gas leak.
总之 我要报复爱福利公♥司♥
Anyway. I want revenge on Lovely Corp
因为他们不负责任地开♥发♥了这项技术 把我变成了…
because they irresponsibly developed the technology that transformed me into--
又来了
This again.
没人想知道我是怎么变成裤子的吗？
Nobody wants to know how I became pants?!
我宁愿听蜥蜴的故事 心肝儿
I'd rather hear the lizard story, baby.
闭嘴 北佬！
Shut up, Norf!
我什么都没说啊
I didn't say anything.
你笑了 赶紧闭上你的臭嘴
You smiled. Cut that shit out.
阿夫卡 猛♥男♥擅自整理了
AFKAK, the Macho Man took the liberty of compiling
一份查尔斯爱福利的详尽调查档案
a meticulously researched dossier on Charles Lovely.
没错 猛♥男♥还贴了独角兽贴纸
Yeah, the Macho Man added unicorn stickers.
是啊 我地狱般的生存状态给我带来了连绵不绝的痛苦
Yeah, they help me forget the constant pain
它们帮我忘记了这种无尽的痛苦
due to my hellish state of existence.
哦 耶
Oh yeah!
我已经制定了一个计划 可以一劳永逸让爱福利公♥司♥彻底倒闭
And I've devised a plan to shut down Lovely Corp once and for all.
我们要在网上给爱福利公♥司♥的产品写一大堆差评！
We're writing a bunch of negative online reviews of Lovely Corp products!
（爱福利公♥司♥ 爱福利公♥司♥茶壶 平均评价）
（爱福利公♥司♥ 爱福利公♥司♥打鬼棒 平均评价）
（撰写评论：直接从它们身上穿过 就是根普通棒子）
（爱福利公♥司♥ 小兔狗玩偶服）
（平均评价）
（在淫乱派对上不怎么受欢迎）
一星 接招吧
One star. Take that.
你刚刚给他们打了五星 -该死！
You just gave them five stars. -Shit!
不关我事 我可是你们忠实的老朋友
Not me, kemosabe.
卡马罗鲍勃不搞这些数码玩意儿
Camaro Bob don't do digital.
就连我发的鸡♥巴♥照都是用拍立得现拍的 心肝儿
Even the dick pics I send are analog, baby.
我们居然有扇窗？
We have a window?
我不确定写几条尖酸差评就是扳倒爱福利公♥司♥的最佳方法
I'm not sure scathing reviews is the best way to take down Lovely Corp.
你居然不喜欢我的计划？
You don't like my plan?
给他一拳 北佬
Punch him in the face, Norf.
骗你的！你又不是队员 把你该死的手放下！
Psych! You're not on the team. Put your goddamn hand down.
我知道了 不如我们直接绑♥架♥斯特？
I've got it. What if we kidnap Thester?
他可是爱福利的二把手
He's Lovely's number two.
也就是说 他肯定知道公♥司♥的所有秘密和弱点
Which means he must know all the company's secrets and weaknesses.
哇哦 这计划不错
Wow. Now, that's a good plan.
真的吗？我上周也出了同样的主意
Seriously? I had that exact same idea last week.
我付钱给你不是来让你出主意的！
I don't pay you to have ideas!
我付钱给你是让你按我说的去做！
I pay you to do what I say!
我是北佬之王 而你只是只异鬼
I'm the King of the Norf, and you're just a White Walker.
现在 我们得去干点正事了
Now, let's get to work, people.
为什么我突然浑身都是鸟屎？
Why am I suddenly covered in bird shit?
不好意思 心肝儿 这条群发短♥信♥发送不太顺利
Sorry, baby. This group text won't go through.
（爷们儿窝 天堂镇派对达人）
菲兹 这是桌上足球
Fitz, this is foosball.
这家伙是你的守门员
This guy's your goalie.
他名叫佩德罗 天蝎座
His name is Pedro, he's a Scorpio,
他喜欢三分熟的墨西哥烤肉
he likes his carne asada medium-rare,
并且他是在俄亥俄州长大的
and he was raised in Ohio.
怪不得他对芬太尼上瘾
That explains his fentanyl habit.
你确定我得知道这些才能玩桌上足球吗？
You sure I need to know all this to play foosball?
你要么认真对待 要么就给我滚出去！
Fitz, you take this seriously, or you get the fuck outta here!
为什么 老天？为什么？
Why, God? Why?
哦！我好痛苦！
Oh, I'm in so much pain!
天哪 达斯提
Christ, Dusty.
我也怀念三叶草奶昔 但是生活还得继续
I miss the Shamrock Shake too, but life goes on.
是吗 兰德尔？
Does it, Randall?
我刚发现我亲爱的妈妈…
I just found out my dear mama--
你告诉他佩德罗芬太尼成瘾的事情了吗？
Did you tell him about Pedro's fentanyl habit?
达斯提 说重点！
Dusty! Focus!
哦 对了 她死了！
Oh right. She died! She died!
我好伤心 为什么？
I'm so sad! Why?
现在 我得在五点前把她该死的尸体送到殡仪馆
Now, I need to get her blessed corpse down at the funeral home by five o'clock.
问题是 我娇小又苍老的身躯搬不动她
Problem is… …I can't move her by my little ol' self.
我们很乐意帮忙 但不幸的是 我们很忙
We'd love to help, but unfortunately, we're, uh… b-busy.
对 正是如此 我们正忙着找…
Yeah. That's it. We-- we're busy, uh, making up, uh…
借口
An excuse.
对 我们正忙着找借口 这样我们就…
Yeah, we-- we're making up an excuse so that we'd, uh…
不用去帮你…
Don't have to help you…
搬你那…
Move your…
死胖子老妈了
Fat dead mom.
死胖子老妈 没错
Fat dead mom, right.
爷们儿窝规章第571条 我来引用一下
Rule 571 of the Brozone is, and I quote,
“无论何时都得帮哥们搬运尸体”
"Always help a fellow bro move a dead body."
规章第571条只适用于妓♥女♥
Rule 571 only applies to hookers.
瞧 闹笑话了吧！我妈跟人打炮可是赚了不少钱呢！
Well, the joke's on you! 'Cause my mama fucked for money plenty!
她的客户说 有一半乐趣在于找她的欢乐谷
Her clients said half the fun was hunting for her teetee.
对 这只是其中一半乐趣！
Yeah, that was half the fun!
我是说 我也是这么听说的
I mean, uh, that's what I heard.
千万要保持安静
Be very, very quiet.
我正在猎杀鸡♥巴♥照
I'm hunting dick pics.
（天堂镇 市政厅）
瞧瞧这个日程表
Look at this schedule.
为自然历史博物馆的恐龙展剪彩
Cutting the ribbon at the Natural History Museum dinosaur exhibit.
上安德森库珀的节目 谈论天堂镇的惊人转变
Going on Anderson Cooper to talk about Paradise's remarkable turnaround.
在州长儿子的葬礼上致悼词！
Delivering the eulogy at the funeral of the governor's son!
为了确保你能成功连任 今天的日程一定要顺利才行
Now, to ensure your reelection, it's vital that this day go perfectly.
我明白你的意思
I can take a hint.
我现在就嗑一粒抗疯婆子药丸
I'm taking my anti-crazy-bitch pills.
哇 凯伦 别嗑那个！
Whoa! Karen, don't take that!
咱俩一模一样的搞笑药盒好像搞混了
I think our identical pill cases got hilariously mixed up.
不可能 我是一名超级成功的市长
Impossible. I'm an ultra-successful mayor.
你只是一条狗 这种事情怎么可能会发生？
You're a dog. How would that have happened?
也许是因为这位超级成功的市长昨晚醉醺醺地跑来了狗窝
Maybe when the ultra-successful mayor came over last night to the dog's house,
还带着一罐开市客家庭装四季宝花生酱
piss drunk with a Costco-size jar of Skippy?
你确定吗？你真的把你的违禁药品放进药盒里了？
Are you sure? You really put your illegal drugs in a pill case?
哦 当然啦 我就是你们口中的A型性格瘾君子
Oh yeah. I'm what you might call a type A drug addict.
哦老天 你刚刚嗑的是我周一的摇♥头♥丸♥ 你马上要嗨翻天了
Oh, man. You just took my Monday Molly. You're gonna be rolling balls soon.
（爱福利历史博物馆）
为了向大家展示爱福利恐龙收藏中这颗皇冠上的明珠
And to reveal the crown jewel of the Lovely dinosaur collection,
有请市长凯伦克劳福德
please welcome Mayor Karen Crawford.
你好吗 老兄？谁有这么好的老二呀？
What up, fam? Who got that good dick?!
我能吻你吗？
Can I kiss you?
妈咪来啦！
I'm the mama!I'm the mama!
哦 真棒！
Oh! Yes!
她在搞恐龙哎
She's, uh, fucking the dinosaur, huh.
（天堂镇 爱福利有限公♥司♥独有资产）
别担心 爱福利先生 我绝对安全
Don't worry, Mr. Lovely. I'm perfectly safe.