天堂镇警局（2018）

我们完蛋了
Oh, we're so fucked.
要是能留下达斯提的某幅画就好了
I wish we had saved one of Dusty's paintings.
等一下
Wait a minute.
达斯提去年在我生日派对上对着墙喷屎？
Dusty shit the wall at my birthday party last year.
你还记得吗？
Remember?
你就在前面挡了个书架？
And you just pushed a bookshelf in front of it?
嗯 我糙得很
Yeah, I'm nasty.
即便卖♥♥了这个 也不够还她们钱的
But even if we sold this, it's not gonna be enough to pay them off.
或者 我瞎出主意哈
Unless, and I'm just brainstorming here,
艺术家一死 作品价值就水涨船高
artist paintings go way up in value when they're dead.
我们不能杀死达斯提！
We can't kill Dusty.
杀了达斯提？你怎么能出这种主意？
Kill Dusty? How could you suggest that?
弗拉德 我朋友逼我问你 弄死胖子有什么好法子
Hey, Vlad. My friend is making me ask you the best way to kill a fat guy.
我不是弗拉德 我是兰德尔 我他妈被困在手♥机♥里了！
I ain't Vlad. I'm Randall. I'm stuck in a goddamn phone!
好奇怪
Huh. That's weird.
我们依然想知道 弄死胖子有什么好法子
But we still need to know what the best way is to kill a fat guy.
我不知道 塞住他的屁♥眼♥儿 往死里喂他？
I don't know. Cork up his ass and keep feeding him?
已经快办成了 谢了 局长！
Halfway there. Thanks, Chief!
等等 菲兹 把我弄出去！
Wait, Fitz. Get me outta here.
72乘以11是多少？ -是…
What's 72 times 11? -It's, uh--
缅因州首府在哪里？
What's the capital of Maine?
我管它在哪里呢？
Who gives a fuck?
哪里可以在线看《皮卡德》？
Where can I stream Picard
大结局“数据”挂了 赶紧滚犊子吧 好吗？
Data dies in the last episode! Now will you fuck off?
差点在老妈的阴毛堆里淹死 要如何消除这段记忆？
How do you wipe your memory after nearly drowning in your mom's pubes?
凯文？是你吗？
Kevin? Is that you?
一定是你 别人问不出这种问题
Yeah, it's gotta be. Nobody else would ask a question like that.
我是你老爸 我被困在手♥机♥里了 凯文 你得帮帮我啊
It's Daddy. I'm stuck in the phone. You gotta help me, Kevin.
这里没有凯文 我叫阿夫卡
No Kevin here. The name's AFKAK.
兰德尔 你的牙怎么了？
Randall, what the-- What the hell happened to your teeth?!
你喜欢吧？
You like, right?
你的牙在流血！
They're bleeding!
很快就止血 不然退百分之五的费用
Bleeding stop soon, or get 5% refund.
你要去哪里？
Where are you going?
去迪斯科舞厅夜店嘿♥咻♥妹子
Discotheque nightclub to suck ass of many girls.
等等 什么？你老婆就在这里！
W-Wait, what? Your wife's right here!
我听说你有一片大森林
I hear you got big, big bush.
弗拉德喜欢森林 但不喜欢大森林
Vlad like big bush, but not big, big bush.
（优存 存点啥）
弗拉德 怎样操神奇宝贝？
Hey, Vlad. How can I fuck a Pokémon?
霍普森！没想到听到你的声音我他妈会这么高兴！
Hopson! I never thought I'd be so damn happy to hear your voice.
啊 这破东西坏了！
Oh, this damn thing's broken!
弗拉德 我想和神奇宝贝嘿♥咻♥！
Vlad! I want to fuck a Pokémon!
嗯 没错！我是弗拉德
Ooh! Yeah, yeah! Uh… This is Vlad.
我会告诉你怎么跟神奇宝贝嘿♥咻♥
I'll tell you exactly how you can fuck Pokémon.
爱福利公♥司♥有张椅子 你得坐上去
There's a chair at Lovely Corp that you need to sit in.
好得很！
Oh joy!
我妈说 我永远操不上神奇宝贝
Mama said I'd never get to fuck a Pokémon.
去他的死婆娘！
Suck that, you dead bitch!
听着 我知道我们需要钱
Listen, I-I know we need money,
但要弄死达斯提 我还是有点犹豫
but I'm having second thoughts about killing Dusty.
我正要说同样的话
I was about to say the same thing.
赚钱的方法还有很多啊
There are other ways to make money.
谁订购了35个胖子绝命桶？
Who ordered 35 fat guy murder buckets?
嗯 放后面吧
Yeah, just, uh, put them back there somewhere.
我是说 我们可以帮别人修剪草坪
I mean, we could mow people's lawns.
不行 我腰不好 我们可以当魔术师
Nah, I got a bad back. We could become magicians.
不 我不喜欢斗篷
Nah. I don't like capes.
遛狗呢？
How about dog walkers?
我过敏 继续想办法吧
I'm allergic. Let's keep thinking.
当警♥察♥？
Cop?
子弹 你♥他♥妈♥少跟我提这茬
Bullet, you better shut the fuck up with that shit.
伙计们
Guys…
我有点难受
I don't feel so good.
你们是不是有彩虹糖？
Do I smell a Skittle?
菲兹 别给他 现在回头还来得及
Fitz, you don't have to give him that. It's not too late to turn back.
我他妈才不当什么魔术师
I ain't gonna be no fucking magician.
好了 就像什么事都没发生过一样
There. Like it never happened.
（爱福利公♥司♥）
耶！管用了！
Yeah! It worked!
局长 我挂了吗？
Chief, am I dead?
那倒好了！我只是把你骗进了手♥机♥里！
I wish! I tricked you and trapped you in the phone.
好吧 神奇宝贝在哪里？我都发♥情♥了！
Okay. Where the fuck's the Pokémon? I'm horny!
（夜店迪斯科 录像机维修 营业中）
（维修）
迪斯科 迪斯科
Disco, disco, disco.
我喜欢 他好衬这里 好热辣
I like that he reminds us of where we are. So hot.
我喜欢他有四颗大板牙和坚硬的方型蛋蛋
I like that he has four giant teeth and hard, square testicles.
嘿 把我的身体还给我 混♥蛋♥！
Hey, give me my body back, you asshole!
我实在太虚弱
I'm so weak.
我的空心鸟骨头快被他捏碎了
He's crushing my thin, hollow, birdlike bones!
饶命啊
Please don't kill me.
我有个主意 对你我都有好处
Hey, I got an idea that we'll both like.
（爱福利公♥司♥）
嘿 弗拉德更喜欢这副身板
Hey. Vlad like this body better.
它有蛋蛋
It have testicles.
真是 我为什么不要那种不用给蛋蛋用牙线的！
Oh, man. Why didn't I call the one with the balls I don't have to floss.
那老头怎么办？
What we do with old man?
让他待在手♥机♥里 总要有人回答那些蠢问题
Leave him in the phone. Somebody's gotta answer all them stupid questions.
嘿 弗拉德 你能给我讲讲达芬奇的机器吗？
Hey, Vlad. Can you tell me about Da Vinci's machines?
不能 但我可以给你讲讲拿破仑笨鸡♥巴♥的故事
Uh, no. But I can tell you about Napoleon's boner parts.
（天堂镇五旬节教会）
达斯提是个好朋友 我们很悲痛
Dusty was a good friend, and we are very sad.
但还不至于在葬礼上拍卖♥♥这个
But not too sad to auction off this during his funeral.
一亿起拍！
Bidding starts at 100 million.
达斯提一早准备了这份遗言：
Dusty prepared this statement in case of his death.
“如果你读到这封信 但愿我得偿所愿
"If you're reading this letter, hopefully I died doing what I love."
撑爆送命 死得其所”
"I ate too much, and I exploded."
你居然就让这个克隆人成功的
I cannot believe you're gonna let that clone get away with
顶替了你的前女友
replacing your ex-girlfriend.
那你要我怎么做？
What do you want me to do?
冲上去 扒她的小裤裤
Well, go up there, pull that clone's panties down
在葬礼上当着大家的面 证明她有阴蒂！
in front of everybody at this funeral, and prove she has a clit.
这主意真不咋地
That sounds like a bad idea.
或许还挺不赖呢？
Or does it sound like a good idea?
我从没这么想过
Huh. I never thought about it like that.
这个女人是克隆人 我马上证明给你们看！
This woman is a clone, and I'll prove it!
我都不知道自己在看啥 有阴蒂吗？
I have no idea what I'm looking at. Is-- is there a clit or not?
心肝儿 你可能要去蹲监狱了
I think you going to jail, baby.
吉娜 这不赖我 是那只猫叫我这么干的
Gina, i-it's not my fault. That cat told me to do it.
不是我 是那个疯批！
It wasn't me. It was that crazy bitch.
我他♥娘♥的♥废了你 你个王八蛋！
I'll break your dick knuckle, you little twat waffle!
是吉娜！绝对是吉娜！
It's Gina! It's-- It's definitely Gina!
不！
No!
这倒好 吉娜 现在子弹白白弄死了达斯提！
Oh great, Gina! Now Bullet killed Dusty for nothing!
什么？ -这是搞什么鬼？
What? -What the fart is this?
我让我的克隆人顶班
I get my clone to cover for me
自己好去三明治岛度假
while I was on vacation to the Sandwich Islands,
话说这岛可不是三明治做的
which, side note, are not made of sandwiches,
你们这些狗♥娘♥养♥的却把这货给弄死了？
and you assholes killed the sumbitch?
（爷们儿窝 天堂镇派对达人）
我实在不忍♥心对挚友凯文阿夫卡说这种话
It pains me to say this to my dearest friend, Kevin AFKAK,
但鉴于你对吉娜的所作所为
but after what you did to Gina,
你最好还是离她远一点
I think it best if you stayed away from her.
吉娜也许不是克隆人 但我知道你对她动过手脚
Gina may not be a clone, but I know you've done something to her.
不弄清你的阴谋 我誓不罢休
I won't rest until I find out what you're hiding.
你可以试试看
You may try.
我已经看到结局了 而你不会有好下场的
I know how this ends, and it does not turn out well for you.
是吗？我也看到结局了！
Oh yeah? Well, I know how it ends too.
吉娜和我结婚了 还生了三个孩子
Gina and I get married and have three kids!
一个聪明 一个帅 还有一个像我！
A smart one, a handsome one, and one that takes after me!
你去哪里？
Where'd you go?
我在这里呢 心肝儿！
I'm right here, baby.
须须小姐？你是来保释我的吗？