怪妈闯荡记（2015）

Previously, on odd mom out.
怪妈 前情概要
How long has she been living with you?
她已经和你住了多久了
525,600 migraines.
无数个头痛的日日夜夜
You need to get her on jury duty.
让她去陪审团得了
Now you're talking.
这才像话
There's a 24 hour hotline you can call to volunteer.
打给二十四小时热♥线♥ 说你想做志愿参加就可以了
This is candace von weber.
我是坎迪斯 冯 韦伯
I'd like to make a reservation for jury duty.
我想预约一下陪审团志愿者的工作
We usually go to my mother-in-law, candace's,
我们一般都去我婆婆坎迪斯家
But she's sequestered on that cruise murder jury.
但她被困在了游船谋杀案的陪审团里
i love that trial. me too.
我超爱看那个庭审 我也是
the wife pushed him overboard. yes.
肯定是他的妻子把他推下了船 没错
i mean, she's totally guilty. totally.
我是说 她就是凶手 绝对的
So aside from watching rachel maddow
除了看夜间新闻节目
And weeping over the state of the nation,
还有为国家现状啜泣
What else happens to you this week?
你这周都有什么新鲜事啊
Ugh, friday night is my second least
周五晚上是我一年中
Favorite night of the year.
最不喜欢的第二个时间
Hospital holiday party?
医院假日派对吗
Santa-con.
圣诞老人模仿派对
Ugh! wait, what's your least favorite?
天惹 那什么是你最不喜欢的啊
St. patty's day.
圣帕特里克节
Green vomit is way worse than candy cane vomit.
绿色呕吐物比拐棍糖的还恶心
new york times alert. what did trump do now?
纽♥约♥时♥报♥来消息了 川普又搞啥呢
The verdict is in on the cruise ship murder.
游船谋杀案出裁决了
Oh my god!
天惹
Nation shocked as marianna gildersleeve
全国人♥民♥表示震惊
Is found not guilty!
玛莉安娜被判无罪
This can't be happening!
这不是真的
Right? she clearly pushed her husband overboard.
我也觉得啊 很显然是她把老公推下水的
No, if the verdict is in, that means candace is...
不 如果说案子出裁决了 那意味着坎迪斯
Out!
就出来了
Candace!
坎迪斯
Hello my darlings.
宝贝们 你们好
Hello mother.
母亲你好
Oh so good to see you.
见到你们简直太好了
Someone's excited to get gussied up again.
某些人又开始打扮得美美的啦
hi darling.
嗨 宝贝
we've missed you, mom. hello.
我们都很想您 妈妈 嗨
It must feel good to be back in your everyday life.
重新回到正常生活一定很棒吧
And your own apartment.
回到您自己的住处
So, how are you doing?
你最近怎么样
You have no idea what i have been through.
你都没法想象我经历了什么
It was unspeakable.
简直难以启齿
And it was nothing short of savage.
简直就是残暴
I mean there are certain things one can't unsee.
我是说 那些看了的就忘不掉
Unhear. unsmell.
还有听了的 闻了的
I'm so sorry you had to be exposed to
我真的很抱歉 你被置身于
All those violent, murderous details.
这个暴♥力♥又残忍♥的谋杀案件中
I was referring to the accommodations.
我说的是住宿条件啊
Would you like a cocktail?
想来杯鸡尾酒吗
Yes, i'd like four gin and tonics.
好呢 来四份的金汤力
Mother.
母亲
Well, we weren't allowed to drink!
干什么啊 他们都不让喝酒的
Whoa! you weren't allowed to pound booze?
哇哦 你连酒都不能喝啊
Not a drop.
一滴都不行呢
Not even on the weekends?
周末都不行吗
You remember juror number seven
你还记得七号♥陪审员
Was whisked away in the ambulance?
是被救护车抬走的吗
On the news they said, "she literally couldn't even."
新闻上说 她都失去了平衡能力
She od'ed on hand sanitizer.
她嗑太多洗手液了（含酒精）
Apparently, the good stuff is 120 proof.
当然了 编号♥一百二十那个证物才是好东西
Oh my god, candace. i am so sorry.
天惹 坎迪斯 我很抱歉
I had no idea that there were so many rules
我压根不知道 陪审员被隔离了
For sequestered jurors.
居然还有那么多条条框框
There i was, amongst the great unwashed.
终于从这些穷苦百姓当中脱离出来了
Settle down everyone and we'll get started.
大家坐好了 我们马上要开始了
Here, sit.
来 请坐这
Oh no, i couldn't.
不 坐不下
I insist.
来嘛
I've sat on a lot of questionable things in my day,
老娘一生中坐过千奇百怪的东西
But i've got to draw the line somewhere.
但我也是有底线的
s.o.p.for sequestered jurors is simple.
陪审员的标操流是非常简单的
No contact with the outside world.
那就是 与外界无联♥系♥
What the heck is s.o.p.?
标操流是什么玩意
Standard operating procedure.
标准操作流程
Please memorize it by e.o.d.
当结前请记好了
what's e... end of day.
当结 当天结束前
So no newspapers, no phone calls,
不准看报 不准打电♥话♥
No email, no internet.
不准发信息 不准上网
wait, no internet whatsoever? nada.
等等 什么网都不能上吗 不行
Not even instagram?
微博也不能上吗
How am i supposed to know what blue ivy's eating
那我要怎么知道那些明星
For brunch everyday?
每天早午餐吃的啥
Rules are rules.
规矩就是规矩
So, it's just us communicating with each other?
那就只能我们彼此互相交流咯
Like, with our mouths?
用啥 嘴吗
For as long as it takes to reach a verdict.
直到判决结果出来为止
So, introductions are in order.
挨个做自我介绍吧
I'll go first.
我先来
I'm pam tinkler, a.k.a. juror number four.
我叫帕姆 汀科勒 也就是 四号♥陪审员
I work in h.r. and i'm mom to three adorable yorkie puppies
我在人事部工作 也是三个超萌柯基宝宝的妈
Whose pictures i will not show you
但我不会给你们看它们的照片
Because i'm not here to make friends,
因为我来这不是交朋友的
I'm here to make justice. next?
我是来重扶正义的 下一个
Uh, what's up everybody?
大家好
Um, i'm scott hittler,
我叫斯科特 希特特勒
With two "t" s, no relation.
两个特 和希♥特♥勒♥没血缘关系
i'm an actor. with that name?
我是个演员 就那名
That's my legal name.
那是我法定名字
My stage name is scott wayne gacy.
我的艺名是 斯科特 韦恩 盖西
Big improvement.
听起来好多了
Recently did a half-day on SVU, so, let's just say,
最近在一部热门法律犯罪连续剧里跑过龙套
I'm quite familiar with the criminal justice system.
因此 我很了解刑事司法体系
Dun dun. you remember that?
噔噔（该剧标志性片头声音） 还记得吗
Hargitay's a sweetheart, by the way.
那女主角真人可讨人喜欢了
Next?
下一个
Ugh, it sounds so uncivilized.
天惹 那些人真是没文化
On the bright side, you are part of history.
但好处是 你被记录进历史了
The entire nation was riveted by that trial,
全国人♥民♥都关注那场审判
And you were there.
而且你在现场
This is one of the main reasons
这就是为什么
I want to be among the first to colonize mars.
我想成为第一代殖民火星的人
Oh. you're not joking.
你没开玩笑吗
I've got nine different plants on my terrace
我在阳台 用自己的便便培育了
Growing from my feces.
九种不一样的植物
Wait, you do?
等等 真的吗
I can't get the potatoes to seed because i think
但土豆就是不发芽
I should start eating gluten again.
我觉得我该再摄入些谷物了
Anyway, it must have been so exciting.
总而言之 那肯定很爽
it was the trial of the century!
这可是世纪之审啊
I just don't know how you could
但我不明白 你们怎能宣判
Acquit someone so obviously guilty.
一个明显有罪的人 无罪释放了呢
Oh brooke, you sound just like the prosecution.
布鲁克 你听起来就和控方一毛一样
On april 27th, 2014,
二零一四年 四月二十七日
Marianna and tom gildersleeve embarked on what should have
玛莉安娜和汤姆 吉德勒斯利夫登上了
Been eight days and seven nights of marital bliss aboard
本该是八天七夜的蜜月船
A five star floating hotel
一个五星级的海上宾馆
With impeccable amenities
毫无瑕疵 完美无比
And tantalizing ports of call.
沿途还有风光秀丽的上岸点