夜色（2016）

Nightcap S01E02

Part 1 May 24, 2021, 8:54 a.m.

-=音效技术室=-
-=蒙蒂办公室=-
-=蒙蒂办公室=-
-=小辣椒=-
-=吉姆·诺顿=-
成功了! 我请到了小辣椒(格温妮丝·帕特洛)!
Well, I did it. I nailed Gwyneth Paltrow.
她今晚会上我们的节目
She's on the show tonight.
不过这并不是因为我们长得谜之相似
And it's not because we look alike.
- 恭喜恭喜 - 谢谢支持
- Congratulations. - Thank you so much.
还请到了吉姆诺顿... 污力搞笑天王
We also have Jim Norton... very funny, dirty comedian.
棒
Good.
还有...对口型大赛的口胡法福
And, uh, Lip-Synch Kerfuffle.
口胡法福超好笑
That Kerfuffle is funny!
口胡法福根本就是个山寨肥伦
That Kerfuffle is just another Fallon rip-off.
你身上穿的是什么鬼?
Um, what the hell are you wearing?
谢谢! 终于有人注意到了
Thank you, Marcus.
我这是在小辣椒那个Goop网上买♥♥的
I bought this dress on Goop.
- 好棒棒哦 - 我必须要说
- Love it. - Can I just say,
我真是好喜欢你最近
I love how playful you've been
俏皮有趣的穿衣风格啊
lately with your wardrobe.
- 谢谢看我的红皮带 - 美死了
- Thank you. Red belt. - Lovin' it.
请问我在这里要干嘛?
Uh, what am I doing here?
安娜对了
Oh. Ana. Yes.
我觉得马库斯一个人给小辣椒做发型
I think Marcus is gonna need help
忙不过来
with Gwyneth Paltrow's hair.
我只给吉米做头发
I only do Jimmy.
但是吉米的头发抓两分钟就好了
Yes, but Jimmy's hair takes two minutes,
而且你闲着也是闲着
and otherwise, you don't do anything.
我合同里没这么写
Read my contract.
- 我报名帮忙 - 不行
- I can do it. - No.
你不许碰小辣椒
You will not touch Gwyneth Paltrow.
那看说不准
I might.
小辣椒今晚会把她的经纪人马莉克带上
Anyway, Gwyneth is bringing her publicist Malik.
我懂潘妮
I know, Penny.
她就是个小婊砸
She's a bitch.
但是她牛掰呀
But she's a powerful uber-bitch,
上咱们节目的明星多数都是她的人
and she reps most of the stars that come on the show,
所以大家不要招惹她好吗?
so can we not piss her off?
你们在干啥呢?
What are you guys doing?
- 你们在开会吗? - 是的菲尔
- Is this a meeting? - Yes, Phil.
我需要参加吗?
Was I supposed to be in this meeting?
是的 Phil
Yes, Phil.
那幸好我晃过来了
Well, good thing I'm here.
既然大家都到齐了
Well, and now that we are all here,
我要反映一个情况
I have an issue to raise.
不知道是谁在演员休息室
There is a unidentified piece of...
弄了一坨... 便便
fecal matter in the green room,
要是没人来收拾的话
and I cannot do my job
我真的无心工作也没法准备吃的
and serve food until someone cleans it up.
我还在想什么时候有人来提一下这件事
Yeah, I was wondering when someone was gonna bring this up.
等等...所以你俩都看到便便了
Okay, hold on: you both saw the fecal matter,
却没打算把它处理掉么?
and you didn't do anything about it?
我想着要留给你啊
Well, I wanted to leave it for you.
我知道你最喜欢解决问题了啊
I know you love solving problems.
你不就是干这个的吗?
Isn't that your thing?
兰迪你为什么不把便便捡起来?
Randy, why don't you pick up the poop?
我是负责音效的捡便便
I do sound, and that would be,
应该是个集体事务啊
like, a union issue.
好吧总得有人去搞定这个问题
Okay, well, somebody's got to deal with this shit.
我们在纽约城中心的9B演播室
From Studio 9B in the heart of New York City,
为您带来本期"吉米睡帽秀"
it's "Nightcap With Jimmy."
今晚栏目: Goops 她再获成功
Tonight: Goops, she did it again.
(注:小辣椒创办的生活时尚网站Goops和语气词Oops发音相近)
我们请来小辣椒
Gwyneth Paltrow.
光头俊朗笑星
The bald and the beautiful comedian
吉姆诺顿
Jim Norton.
大家最爱的深夜游戏节目
Everyone's favorite late night game,
对口型大作战主持人口胡法福
Lip-Synch Kerfuffle.
现在让我们有请收视率排名第五
And now, the man who's number five in the ratings
但在我们心中永远第一的
but number one in our hearts,
吉米!
here's Jimmy!
嗯... 这也说不好是什么东西
Well, that could be anything.
不这绝对是坨翔
No, it's definitely feces,
而且绝对是个人拉的
and it is definitely human.
多亏有了奥兹医生的节目
I've examined enough human stool
我对人的便便相当熟悉
to know, thank you, Dr. Oz.
她说的没错这是人拉的便便
You know, she's right. That is human poop.
而且显然是个亚裔流浪汉拉的
It's actually homeless Pan-Asian poop.
这种事你怎么看出来的?
How could you possibly know that?
因为曾经有个越南来的流浪汉
Because a homeless Vietnamese man
在我家走廊住过
used to live in my hallway.
不对不对是拉过
I'm sorry, defecated in my hallway.
我们这里只有两个亚裔员工
We only have two Asian employees.
我们可以围堵他们
We could just round them up.
歇菜吧总统先生不要去骚扰他们俩
Okay, FDR, we're not gonna round up the Asians.
或者可能就是狗拉的
Or it could be a dog.
你在这儿呀伙计
Hey, there you are, buddy.
托德这个狗是怎么回事?
Um, Todd, who's this dog?
它叫蒙蒂是吉米的狗
This is Monty. This is Jimmy's dog.
吉米的狗在这干嘛?
What is Jimmy's dog doing here?
他刚在楼上到处破坏
Oh, he was wreaking havoc upstairs.
简直完全就是一场灾难
It was just, like, a complete disaster.
我们都叫他 "飓风蒙蒂"
We called him "Hurricane Monty."
反正刚才... 我是说就是一团糟
It was just... I mean, it was a mess.
所以白天的时候得让他在下面呆着
So during the day, he's gonna be down here.
所以就让他毁了我的部门
Oh, so he's just supposed to destroy
还随地大小便?
and shit on everything here in my department?
对啊它反正就只会干这些事儿
Yeah, probably. That's what he does.
托德这只狗原本应该是待在哪里的?
Todd, where is this dog supposed to stay?
咱们说话这当儿他们正打点
Oh, they're building out an office
他的办公室呢
for him as we speak.
- 什么办公室? - 就是你们对面那间
- What office? - The one across from you guys.
我和潘妮这几个月一直挤在一间办公室里
Penny and I have been sharing the same office for months.
然后你现在跟我说我们旁边就有一个空房♥间?
You're telling me there's another office on our floor?
其实也不是空的
Yeah, well, it's, uh, occupied.
被蒙蒂占了
By Monty.
所以无法作他用
So, unavailable.
总之情况就是这样
Anyway, here we are.
不错不错
Fuck yeah. This is nice.
比以前好多了看来你把我的话都听进去了
Nicer than usual. I see you took my notes.
小辣椒我必须表明
Gwyneth, I've just got to say,
能请到你我们都太激动了
we are so excited to have you here.
你这裙子太有趣了!
That's so funny!
我在你的网站上买♥♥的
It's a dress I bought on Goop.
我看出来了这是件睡衣
Yeah. It's a nightshirt.
哦!
Oh!
不过还是很可爱
But it's cute.
谢谢你的咖啡
Oh, coffee. Thank you so much.
还有谁上今晚的节目?
Who else is on this show tonight?
呃...吉姆诺顿
Um, Jim... Jim Norton.
他就是那个...
He's that, like, um,
那个满口黄段子的光头
little kind of pervy bald...
他超搞笑
that guy's hilarious.
等等我睡过他吗?
Wait, did I fuck that guy?
目前还没有
Not yet.
我喜欢这个靠枕
I love that pillow.
这个摆在我家肯定好看
That would look so good in my apartment.
还有那个蜡烛碟
And that little candy dish too.
真的好好看
That's really nice.
那个靠枕其实跟这个沙发是配套的
That pillow actually goes with that couch.
然后这个沙发要摆在我们办公室的
The couch that lives in the office.
我还需要一条
And I'm also gonna need
热的湿毛巾谢谢