妈妈叫我警长

总统先生 英国国王的电♥话♥
Mr. President, it's the king of England.
喂
Hello?
国王 你好吗
King, how the heck are you?
都过去好几周了
It's been weeks,
你还没把钢笔还我
and you still have not returned my pen.
对 我马上还你
Oh, right. I'll get it to you soon.
-马上是多久 -马上
- When is soon? - Soon!
-那是什么时候 -我得挂了
- When will that be? - I got to go.
等等 不 我的钢笔
Wait. No, my pen!
每天都是这些破事
Every day, it's the same old gimme, gimme, gimme.
国王想要回他的钢笔
The king wants his pen back.
天朝主席想要回他的袜子
The president of China wants his socks back.
加拿大总理希望他外婆回去
The prime minister of Canada wants his grandma back.
这里挺冷的 对吧
It's cold in here, eh?
为什么他们总是要把东西落在我的办公室
Why do they keep leaving things in my office?
-集中销毁算了 -什么
- Well, just destroy them. - What?
我们有各种绝密武器
We have all these top-secret weapons,
比如月亮上的猫
like the cats on the moon.
副总统 我最后说一次 不行
For the last time, vice president, no.
我现在不想发动战争
War is not what I need right now.
我现在需要躲到一个简单的地方
What I need is an escape to somewhere simple
能让我不受打扰的地方
where I'm not constantly being pestered.
但那些猫都坐了起来 准备发起进攻了
But those cats are just sitting up there ready to attack!
够了
Enough!
联♥系♥我的哥们警长
Get me my pal Sheriff.
我要去老镇
I'm going to old town.
我的钢笔呢
Where's my pen?
妈妈叫我警长
第一季 第九集
等等
So wait,
总统要来你家参加过夜派对
the president is coming to have a sleepover with you?
有那么难以置信吗
Yeah, is that so hard to believe?
我可是很酷的
I'm a pretty cool dude, you know?
不 妈妈 我不想要盖着毯子的小猪
No, momma, I didn't want pigs in a blanket.
我想要站在枕头上的牛
I wanted cows on a pillow.
警长 安静点
Sheriff, calm down now, boy.
要让一切尽善尽美
Everything has got to be perfect
我才能和总统成为最好的朋友
so I can make best friends with the president.
如果你那么喜欢他 为什么不娶他
If you like him so much, why don't you marry him?
妈妈 坎迪对我做鬼脸
Momma, Candy made a bad face.
-不 我没有 -你就有
- No, I didn't. - Oh, yeah, you did.
警长
Sheriff.
什么
What?!
总统大驾光临
It's the president in the hizz-ouse!
-很高兴见到你 -快过来 你这小傻瓜
- So good to see you. - Come here, you little goofball.
放松 詹森
At ease, Jenson.
-副警长 -您好
- Deputy. - Hi.
您在老镇期间 如果有任何需要
If there's anything you need during your stay
我随叫随到
in old town, I'm here to help.
我们不需要帮助 古德曼
We won't need any help, Goodman.
-我们没问题 -没错 副警长
- We're good, man. - Yeah, deputy.
你不如带詹森去老镇上转转吧
Why don't you take Jenson and go show him around town?
我 好吧
Oh, well, I... I, uh... okay.
欢迎回到老镇 总统先生
Welcome back to old town, your presidency.
您还记得我的女儿吧 坎迪
You remember my daughter, Candy.
您好
Hi.
坎迪 没错 真是个不错的姑娘
Candy, yes, a sweet treat indeed.
来吧 总统哥们
Come on, prez dawg,
-过夜派对时间 -好吧 好吧
- Sleepover time! - All right. All right.
这辆车的警铃♥声♥听上去像"喂哦喂哦"
And this one goes, "Way-ah, way-ah."
-没错 -这真是太棒了
- Yeah. - This is great.
我玩得很开心 警长
I'm having a really good time, Sheriff.
我也是 而且之后会更开心
Me too, man. And it gets so much better.
明天 我带你去集市上逛逛
Tomorrow, I'm taking you to the fair!
今年他们弄来了一条长着尖牙的鲨鱼
They got a bucktoothed shark this year.
看看我 我是尖牙鲨鱼
Hey, look at me. I'm a bucktoothed shark.
别咬我 你这条乡巴佬鲨鱼
Don't bite me, you hillbilly shark.
你最棒了 哥们
You're the best, buddy.
我是最棒的哥们
Oh. I'm the best buddy.
太酷了
Cool.
还有些很酷的东西 你想看吗
Hey, you want to see something else cool?
我偷了我姐姐的秘密日记
I stole my sister's secret diary,
里面有很多她当脱衣舞♥女♥的故事
a lot of stuff in here about her being a stripper.
坎迪很奇怪 你得看看这个
Candy is so weird. You got to check this out, man.
"他们包围了我 眼神和双手充满了饥渴"
"They surround me, hungry eyes and hands."
"'我要 我要 我要' 他们如此说道"
"'Gimme, gimme, gimme, ' they say."
天哪
Wow.
"生活就像一场荒诞的舞蹈
"Life is an absurd dance,
永无止境地在钢管舞上转动
a ceaseless spin around a pole
没有开始 亦没有结束"
that never moves, no starting, no stopping."
-不要停 -擦伤
- Don't stop. - Oh, brush burn.
就是那里 再用点牙 爽
Oh, right there. More teeth, yes.
总统先生
Oh, Mr. President.
不
Oh, no.
早上好 警长
Morning, Sheriff.
有什么好笑的
What's so funny?
警长 看看谁洗了个干净澡
Sheriff, look who's fresh from a weekly washing.
看 我说了我们有一个娃娃
See? I told you we had a doll.
什么狗
Where's dog?
警长把doll幻听成了dog
我们能去集市了吗
Can we go to the fair now?
我想还是让坎迪带我去吧
Oh, I was thinking I might take Candy instead.
什么
What?
总统本该是我的朋友
The president was supposed to be my friend!
我恨你 坎迪
I hate you, Candy.
你就是一个夺走我友谊的脱衣舞♥女♥
You're just a stripper stripping me of friendship.
我忘了带阿比盖尔
I forgot Abigail.
你 上前一步
You, step right up.
猜猜老镇上最胖的鹿有多重
Guess the weight of the fattest deer in old town.
我知道 是951磅
Oh, I know. It's 951 pounds.
没让你回答 笨蛋 是让总统猜
Ow! Not you, stupid, the president.
能和我最好的朋友一起出来玩
It's so good to hang out
而他却不是总统 这真是太好了
with my best friend who's not the president!
-谢谢邀请 警长 -安静 卡尔
- Thanks for inviting me, Sheriff! - Quiet, Carl.
我想让总统吃醋呢
I'm trying to make the president jealous.
警长 我得问问你
Sheriff, I need to ask you something.
是吗 我这会有点忙
Yeah, well, I'm kind of busy
正和我最好的朋友卡尔一起玩呢
hanging out with my best friend, Carl.
有话快说
Spit it out.
没让你吐出来 卡尔
What? Not you, Carl.
天哪
Oh. Geeze, man.
警长 如果我成了坎迪的爱人
Would you, Sheriff, give me your blessing
你会祝福我吗
to be Candy's sweetheart?
为什么 她只是个奇怪的脱衣舞♥女♥
Why? She's just a weird stripper.
你的姐姐很迷人
Hey, your sister is a fascinating woman.
到此为止了
Oh, that's it.
除了我 没人能说我姐姐迷人
Nobody calls my sister fascinating but me!
在这儿呢
There it is.
救命
Help!
不好
Uh-oh.
副总统先生 老镇出事了
Mr. Vice president, there was an incident in old town.
詹森只发现了这件血衣
All Jenson found was this.
总统已经死了 总统先生
The president is dead, mr. President.
太好了
Yes!
"你是总统吗" 没错 就是我
"Are you the president?" Yes, I am!
天哪
Wow.
出什么事了
What happened?
总统被卡尔绊了一跤 跌进了鲨鱼池
Carl tripped the president into the shark tank.
-让它松口 -总统先生 你还活着
- Get it off of me! - Mr. President, you're alive!
他在大出血 我来帮忙
He's bleeding out! Here, let me help!
他不需要你的帮忙 古德曼
He doesn't need your help, Goodman.
他只需要阿比盖尔亲亲他