人力资源（2022）

你好 这是人力资源 请问找哪位？
Hello. Human Resources. How may I direct your call?
我完全能理解 我儿子也刚离家去上大学了
Oh, I totally get it. My son just left for college too.
我帮您转接到认同危机中心 请稍等
Oh, let me connect you to the Identity Crisis Center. Please hold.
格蕾丝 我去休息了
Grace, I'm going on my break.
我真不明白 菲尔就不能自己做饭吗？
I don't get it. Why doesn't Phil just feed himself?
哦 你们好 -爽爆了
Oh, hi! -Right there!
又在厨房♥里嘿♥咻♥ 棒极了
Sex in the kitchen again. Yay, fun.
这节目叫《菲尔来蹭饭》啊 宝贝
The fuckin' show is called Somebody Feed Phil, baby.Oh, shit!
卧♥槽♥！ -哎呀 不好意思
Oh, whoops. -Sorry. Sorry.
好笑的是
Every bite with this guy,
这家伙的吃相 跟刚落地的婴孩没两样
it's like he's been on Earth for two whole fucking minutes.
看起来就像个正在做大肠镜的幼儿
He looks like a toddler getting a colonoscopy.
射脸还是射奶♥子♥？赶紧的
Face or tits, honey? Quick! Face or tits?
都不要 我的毛会结块的
Neither. It'll cake in my fur.
又或者你可以不在厨房♥里射
Or you could not ejaculate in the kitchen at all.
咱俩都在地板上高♥潮♥好了 -我要射啦！
Let's just both blam on the floor. -Here I come!
不用理我 我就拿个中国鸡肉沙拉
Okay, I'm just gonna grab my Chinese chicken salad.
好吧 我看那该死的节目就是了
All right, fine, I'll watch the bloody show.
算了 一看就知道你不会喜欢
Ah, don't bother. I can already tell you won't like it.
你知道吗？菲尔罗森塔尔制♥作♥了《人人都爱雷蒙…
You know, Phil Rosenthal created Everybody Loves Raymo--
我的妈呀！
Oh, God!
我踩到精♥液♥滑倒了！
I slipped in the cum!
我好像断了六条…
I think I broke six of my--
七条腿！
Seven of my legs!
我的沙拉也毁了！
And my salad is ruined!
这下何塞要怎么接那些该死的电♥话♥啊？
How is Jose supposed to answer the goddamn phones now?
我还是可以的
Oh, I can still manage.
别特么逞英雄了 都转到语♥音♥信箱吧
Don't be a fuckin' hero, Jose, let it go to voicemail.
哇 这是怎么回事？
Whoa, whoa. What's going on here?
莫娜和加文又在厨房♥里交♥媾♥了
Mona and Gavin were fornicating in the kitchen again
还留下了一滩精♥液♥
and left a puddle of ejaculate.
喂 是一大堆精♥液♥ 好吗？
Excuse me, it was a pile of ejaculate.
看起来就像个由蛋黄酱做成的蚁丘
It looked like an anthill made of mayonnaise.
何塞差点就死在那个蚁丘上了
Well, Jose almost died on that anthill.
他死不了的 他是个超级蜘蛛
He can't die. He's a super spider.
他出演过索尼电影、漫威电影…
He's in Sony, he's in Marvel…
你说的是蜘蛛侠吧？我只是个普通蜘蛛啦
I think you're thinking of Spider-Man? I'm just a spider, man.
嗨 我是何塞 -嗨
Jose. Hi. -Hi.
闭嘴 何塞 别对这些动物这么友善
Oh, shut the fuck up, Jose. Don't be nice to these animals.
“动物”？我们才不是动物
"Animals"? We're not animals.
我们是怪物 欲求不满 没有底线 淫♥荡♥不堪的多毛怪！
We are monsters. Insatiable, hairy jizz monsters with no boundaries!
真恨不得马上割下我的鸡♥巴♥
Ooh! I wish I could cut off my own cock
让你绑在身上 用它来操♥我♥
so you could strap it on and fuck me with it right now!
莫娜 加文 你们悠着点 行不？
Hey, Mona, Gavino, maybe take it down a notch?
我想我们的同事只是希望你们能道歉
I think our coworkers are just looking for a little apology.
好啦 我道歉就是了
Okay, fine!
真的很抱歉
I'm so sorry
莫娜和我在办公室厨房♥的地板上 留下了一大堆精♥液♥
Mona and me left a lot of cum on the floor in the office kitchen.
还有一丁点尿液 -射了那么多 真的很抱歉
And a teensy bit of urine. -I'm very sorry about my cum.
好了吧？大家都满意了吧？
Okay? Everybody happy?
巴尔的摩大主教管区道的歉 都比这个强
The Archdiocese of Baltimore apologizes better than that.
而且应该道歉的 不只是莫娜和加文 谢谢
And it's not just Mona and Gavin who should be apologizing, thank you.
是你们所有人 托德 播放录像
It's all of you. Todd, roll the fuckin' tape.
你们在我们的邮件推车上操
You fuck on our mail carts.
哈喽 是你们最爱的格蕾丝阿姨
Hey, it's your favorite aunt, Grace.
嘟嘟 热腾腾的鸡♥巴♥来啦！
Toot, toot! Hot bones coming through!
你们在我们的通风口 和办公桌上搞69式
You fellate each other in our vents and on our desks!
吉尔 你换了款丁丁洗毛露吗？
Hey, Gil, you using a different dick shampoo?
甚至连他妈的零食贩卖♥♥机都不放过！
Even the fucking snack machine!
我最爱的零食 是机场卖♥♥的Beats耳机！
My favorite snack is Beats by Dre headphones at the airport!
跟你们一起共事简直毁了我们的生活
Working with you is ruining our fucking lives.
等一下 最后那个是我家吗？
Uh, one second. Was that last one my house?
是的 何塞 我们有时会上你家操 操完看Starz电视台
Yes, Jose. We sometimes fuck at your place and watch Starz.
不是Star 是Starz哦！
Starz with a "Z," baby!
真是受够了 我要打给高层
Ugh! That's it. I am calling Corporate.
什么？ -高层？
What? Oh, man! -Corporate?
那些装逼的傻屌♥懂个鸟？
Those prissy twats wouldn't know a hard dick
他们连“屌♥”字都不知怎么写
if you chased them down the stairwell with it.
噢哦 你们有麻烦了！
Ooh, you guys are in trouble!
你也是！你此刻就在打飞机！ -我没有
You too! You're jerking off right now. -No, I'm not!
你明明就有 -我没有
Oh, yes you are. -No, I'm not.
明明就有 -才没有！
Yes, you are. -No, I'm not!
我才没有
No, I'm not.
嘿 沃尔特 我正在做问卷调查
Hey, Walter! Okay, I'm taking a survey.
你会选择放火屁还是尿冰块啊？
Would you rather fart fire or pee ice?
当然是尿冰块了 废话
I'll pee ice. Duh!
等等 你怎么在这里 而不是和贝卡在一起？
Wait, why are you here and not with Becca?
她现在不需要我打扰她
Oh, she doesn't need me bothering her right now.
她才刚生完孩子
She just had a baby.
所以你在躲着她
So, you're avoiding her.
才不是 我是在给她空间
Pssh! No, I'm giving her space.
爱是很多东西 小虫子
Love is about many things, bug,
但空间不是其中之一
but "space" is not one of them.
爱是令人窒息的 就像个擅自帮病人解脱的侠盗护士
Love is smothering like a rogue nurse who's taken mercy into her own hands.
哇 看来对于爱我还有很多需要学的
Wow. I guess I have a lot to learn about love?
又说废话了
Yeah, no shit.
啊 我有个超棒的主意
I have an incredible idea.
你应该跟最懂爱的爱虫
You should learn about love
学习什么是爱
from the bug who knows the most about love,
而那只爱虫现在
and that bug happens to be
正好抓住你的衣领
grabbing you by the collar right now.
你要杀了我吗？ -更好的 亲爱的 我要传授你知识！
Are you gonna kill me? -Ooh! Better, honey. I'm gonna teach you!
你就当我的实习爱虫吧 婊♥子♥
It's a Lovebug ride-along, bitch.
出发咯！ -哇
Let's go! Whoo! -Whoa!
我的蜘蛛屌♥！
My spider dick!
萝谢尔 能告诉我这是什么吗？
Rochelle, do you want to tell me what this is?
我们的客户道格想办理的 菲尼克斯太阳信♥用♥卡♥的申请表？
An application for the Phoenix Suns credit card our client Doug wants to get?
是 客观上来说是 -那主观上来说呢？
Well, yes, that's objectively what it is. -And subjectively?
一个错误的决定 这信♥用♥卡♥是个笑话
A bad decision. This is a joke credit card
笑点是“终生负债累累”
and the punchline is a lifetime of crushing debt.
呃 你个逻辑石像
Ugh, you are such a Logic Rock!
康涅狄格州开市客信用社
The Connecticut Costco Credit Union
有张非常合理的卡 而且不是紫色的
has a perfectly reasonable card and it's not purple.
但道格超爱菲尼克斯太阳 他是他们的头号♥哈特福德球迷
But Doug loves the Phoenix Suns. He's their number one Hartford fan.
如果他在前三个月消费超过三万美元
And if he spends over 30,000 in the first three months,
还能获得一件全皮的太阳队夹克呢 紫到爆
he earns a full leather varsity Suns jacket. It's so purple.
不行 道格得为唐娜的订婚戒指存钱
No! Doug needs to be saving money for Donna's engagement ring.
那可以是他用新的太阳信♥用♥卡♥ 买♥♥的第一件东西
That can be the first thing he buys with his new Suns credit card.
听着 我知道你在短时间内
Look, I know you've achieved
取得了很大的成绩
a lot of success in a short amount of time.
而且公认长得漂亮 -我天生丽质
And you're classically good-looking… -Mmhmm. I was born this way.
而且大家都喜欢你 -好了啦
…and people like you. -Boy, stop.
但那并不代表你是对的
But you're mistaking that for being right,
你不是 你错了 你大错特错
which you're not, you're very, very wrong.
这张卡不仅不可靠 还蠢透了 而且还是紫色的
This card isn't just irresponsible, it's dumb and purple.
知道吗？你说得对极了
Hm. You know what? You're totally right.
开市客的信♥用♥卡♥才是明智的选择
The Costco card makes much more sense.
我怎么就没看出来呢？我好蠢啊
How did I not see that before? So stupid. Ah!
别太苛责自己 表格上的字确实小了点
Well, don't be too hard on yourself. The print is very tiny.
你看 这就是为什么我俩合作无间
See? That's why we work so well together.
我来出主意 你来告诉我其愚蠢之处
I have an idea, and you tell me why it's dumb.
让我向道格澄清 谢谢你
I'll go clear this up with Doug. Thank you.
不客气 实际上 谢谢你
Oh, well, de nada. In fact, thank you.
不 谢谢你
Oh, no, thank you.
好吧 那我就说“不客气” 给这段对话划上圆♥满♥的句号♥吧
Okay, I'm just gonna close the loop and just say, "You're welcome."
简直扯淡 我们才不需要什么敏感性培训
This is horseshit. We don't need sensitivity training.
就是说啊 我可敏感了
Yeah. I'm very sensitive.
我连看个霍尔马克卡片的广♥告♥ 都会射到整张咖啡桌都是
I can't even watch a Hallmark commercial without frosting my coffee table.
我说等这个高层的笨蛋一进来
I say, the minute this bozo from Corporate comes in,
咱们就把我的鸡♥巴♥切下来扔他头上
we cut off my dick and throw it at his head.