人力资源（2022）

Ooh! Stinky. -A little.
我可以解读你的气场吗？
May I read your aura?
可以啊 你想怎样都可以 北鼻
Yeah, okay, whatever you want, baby.
蓝色代表心智
Blue represents the mind.
你心智单纯
Yours is unburdened.
呃 我就当你这句话没别的意思
Okay, I'm not gonna read into that too much.
绿色代表心灵
And green is the heart.
哦 哇 我感觉到了你的内心严重堵塞
Oh, wow. I'm detecting a real blockage in you.
你这是搞什么鬼？不是要啪啪的吗？
Hey, what's your problem? I thought we were gonna fuck. What is this?
我感知到了 你在情感上和肉体上封闭自己
I'm sensing you may be closing yourself off emotionally, physically…
似乎是在逃避你老婆
With your wife, perhaps?
喂 就因为我是个荷尔蒙怪
Hey! Just because I'm a Hormone Monster
不代表我每周都有心情做♥爱♥ 莎朗！
doesn't mean I'm in the mood to have sex every week, Sharon!
这就对了 全发泄出来
That's right, open up.
这是因为我还在悼念 我一年前死去的妈妈 莎朗
It's because my mom died a year ago and I'm still mourning her, Sharon.
我知道你受不了她 但她怎么说都是我妈咪！
And I know you couldn't stand her, but she was still my goddamn mommy.
当然了 合情合理
Of course, that makes sense.
哇 我感觉好轻盈
Wow, I feel so… so light.
你刚刚对我做了什么？
What did you just do to me?
我疏通了你的心轮
I unblocked your heart chakra.
等一下 你就是莎朗所说的脉轮？
Wait a second. You're one of those chakras? Like Sharon talks about?
这是个骗局！这是个脉轮骗局！
This is a con! This is a chakra con!
喂 住手 快放开我！
Don't! Stop! Hey, get the hell off me! Get off me! Ahh!
刚才到底是怎么回事？
What the fuck happened in there?
是啊 圣杯皇后告诉我 我将在7月9日死去
Yeah, the Queen of Cups told me I'm gonna die on July 9.
哎 死就死吧 -我遇到了一个脉轮
Eh, it is what it is. -Well, I met a chakra, and,
老乔 我不知道该怎么说才好 但…
Joe, I don't know how to put this,
我可能无意中认识到了自己的另一面
but I might have accidentally learned something about myself.
你开玩笑的吧？ -我没开玩笑
Ugh. You're kidding. -Yeah, no, I-- I'm not kidding.
看来你现在相信脉轮了啊 -是啊 但别告诉莎朗
So, I guess you believe in chakras now? -Yeah, but don't tell Sharon, okay?
你也别告诉南希我会在7月9日死掉
And don't you go telling Nancy about me dying on July 9.
我想给她个惊喜
I want it to be a surprise.
贝卡宝贝 我能做点什么吗？
Becca, baby, what can I do?
你需要风扇吗？ 要不要来点炸玉米粒？
Do you want a fan? Uh, some Corn Nuts?
我要你把这个寄生虫挖出来！ -先来个风扇吧
I want this parasite ripped out of me. -Let's start with a fan.
寄生虫？
"Parasite"?
好一个绝世好妈妈 这世界得当心了
Look out, world, great mother coming through.
贝卡 你真坚强 你是个坚强的女人
Becca, you're so strong. You strong woman.
你感觉如何？
How are you doing?
我感觉我的屁♥眼♥就要被撕成两半了
It feels like my butthole's gonna rip in half.
吹我的脸 不是我的阴♥道♥
Fan my face, not my pussy.
哦 不好意思
Oh, sorry about that.
嘿 艾米 我们这边需要一点爱 谢谢
Hey, Emmy? Uh, we could use some love vibes up here, please.
我呆在这里就好 我大致看明白了
Oh, I-- I'm-- I'm okay back here. I'm getting the gist.
贝卡 别忘了换姿势
Um, uh, uh, Becca? Uh, don't forget to change positions.
皮特 把你该死的腾讯医典打印稿 收起来行不？
Pete, will you put away your goddamn WebMD printouts?
我只是想帮忙！
I'm trying to help!
真不敢相信你选择打无痛针
Can't believe you got the epidural.
所以才这么久还生不出来
That's why it's taking twice as long.
这说法未必正确
Look, that's not necessarily true.
这下你推的时候就什么都感觉不到了
Now you won't be able to feel anything when you push.
就是这样才会阴♥道♥撕裂 -如果撕裂到肛♥门♥呢？
That's how people rip. -What if you tear front to back?
那就变成一个大洞了
You'll just have one big hole!
什么？阴♥道♥屁♥眼♥组合？ 那要怎么做♥爱♥啊？
What? How's she gonna have sex with a vagina-butthole combo?
别拉屎 如果你拉屎 巴里会离开你的
Don't poop. Barry will leave you if you poop.
拉个屎就能摆脱那家伙就好了
If only a dump could get rid of that guy.
贝卡 深呼吸 别理这些白♥痴♥
Becca, take deep breaths and ignore all these morons.
很快就会结束了
It'll all be over soon.
此刻的我爱你爱得发狂 贝卡！
I have never loved you more than I do right now, Becs.
谁在乎啊 巴里？
Who cares, Barry?
你要么替我生这个孩子 不然就闭嘴
Have this baby for me or shut the fuck up.
我知道那不是针对我的 -就是针对你的！
I know that's not about me. -It is about you!
艾米 快过去
Emmy! Get in there.
大家都在尽自己的职责 你也得做好你的本分
Everyone else is doing their job, you need to do yours.
但我不知道该怎么做
Yeah, but I don't know how to do my job.
上次我尝试的时候 贝卡破水了 弄得我没穿鞋的脚都湿了
The last time I tried, Becca's water broke and it got all over my shoeless foot.
就让她冷静下来 告诉她这房♥间充满了爱
Well, just calm her down. Tell her the room is filled with love
或说些让人感觉良好的屁话 你们爱虫最在行了
or whatever feel-good bullshit you bugs come up with.
宝宝的心率急剧下降
The baby's heart rate has dropped dramatically.
那是什么意思？ -为她做准备
What? What do you mean? -Okay. Prep her.
回答我 别自顾自地讲
Talk to me, not each other.
贝卡 听我说 是时候开始推了
Becca, listen to me, okay? It's time to start pushing.
现在？但我宫口才开了8厘米
Now? No. I-- I'm only eight centimeters.
撕裂！
Rip!
卧♥槽♥ 我看到他的头了
Oh, shit. I see its head.
你的孩子有没有可能是颗椰子啊？ -艾米！
Is it possible your baby's a coconut? -Emmy!
天哪 我看了…
Oh, God. I looked!
该死的
God damn it.
很抱歉 我现在真的清醒了
I'm-- I'm sorry. And I am actually sober now.
真可悲
Pathetic.
惊喜！
Surprise!
生日快乐 毛瑞
Happy birthday, Maury.
噢 你们真贴心
You guys.
还做了演示文稿呢
And there's a slide show.
对呢 那是我们发现自♥慰♥的时候
Oh, yeah. That's when we discovered jerking off…
还发现了火 那可是个重大的日子啊
And fire. That was a pretty big day.
哦《欲经》
Oh! The Kama Sutra.
那才叫大尺度嘛
Now that was a graphic novel.
你们懂的
You guys get it.
哦 乔沃尔什
Oh, Joe Walsh.
那晚在克利夫兰玩得可真嗨
Boy, we had fun in Cleveland that night.
真可爱
Cute.
哦 安德鲁还是什么的
Oh, Andrew what's-his-name?
你们怎么弄到这些照片的？
How did you get all these photos?
谢谢啊 孩子们
Thank you, boys.
不如我们来个集体撸管
What do you say we all have a big group whack
庆祝我的四千万岁生日 你们说怎么样？
in honor of my 40 millionth birthday?
嘿 慢下来 孩子们
Hey, hey, slow down, boys.
寿星要第一个射
The birthday boy cums first.
贝卡 你做得很好 但我们得继续用力推
Okay, Becca, you're doing great, but we need to keep pushing.
“我们”？去你大爷的！
"We"? Go fuck yourself!
你得再用力点 -我撑不下去了
Gonna have to push harder than that. -I can't do it anymore.
爱需要在这里 是有合理的理由的 艾米
There is a logical reason love needs to be here, Emmy.
这个女人正做着一件非常艰难的事
This woman is doing something very hard.
如果没有爱 她是不可能成功的
And without love, it's gonna be impossible.
好啦 知道了
Okay, okay, fine.
来吧 贝卡 这一刻终于来了 你要当妈妈了
Come on, Becca. This is it. You're gonna be a mom.
不 我做不到！
No, I can't do this!
我不想放弃泡澡 不想放弃躺在床上玩iPad
I don't want to give up long baths and laying in bed with my iPad.
呃 好吧 -我还没准备好当妈妈
Well, okay. -I'm not ready to be a mom.
也许你永远不会准备好 -你这算哪门子安慰啊？
Maybe you'll never be ready. -How the fuck is that helpful?
有些事情就是这样
Well, some things are like that.
做起来很可怕 很困难
It's gonna be scary and hard,
有时候还会丢了一只鞋子 但你知道吗？
and-- and sometimes you're gonna lose a shoe. But you know what,
你还是穿上你的薯饼袋袜子 然后硬着头皮上
you put on your hash brown sock and, damn it, you do it anyway
因为你是你 你♥他♥妈♥能应付得来的
because you're you, and you can fucking handle it.
继续说！
Say more things!
你会踢拳 而且你工作似乎很出色
You-- You do kickboxing, and you seem to be awesome at your job,
不管那是什么鬼工作 -我是个诉讼律师！
whatever the fuck that is. -I'm a litigator!
看吧？听起来超难的
See? That sounds really hard.
而且你还嫁给了巴里
And-- And you're married to Barry,
那我可做不到 那似乎糟透了
which I certainly couldn't do that. That seems bad.
他会是个好爸爸的
He's gonna be a good dad.
重点是 你永远都不会准备好的 贝卡
The point is, you'll never feel ready, Becca,
你会发现 你唯一能做的是他妈的尝试！
and, it turns out, all you can do is fucking try!
所以快用力推！
Now, come on!
你做到了！ -也磨蹭够久的
You did it, Mama! -Took you long enough.
我们是个家庭了 -我拉屎了吗？
We're a family. -Did I poop?
没有 呃 这么说吧
Nope. No, that's… Well, I'll tell you what.
我不知道那是什么
I don't know what that is,
但还是有东西不断地流出来