人力资源（2022）

Excuse me, love.
我得去撒一泡热辣辣的长尿
I'm just gonna go and take a long, hot piss.
好的 希望你尿到一滴不剩噢
Okay, well, I hope you get it all out.
麻烦来一碗加八颗青柠檬的伏特加
Could I get a bowl of vodka with, like, eight limes in it?
艾米？ -桑娅？哇哦
Emmy? -Sonya? Whoa.
等等 还记得你被炒了鱿鱼
Wait, remember when you got fired
然后他们把你怀孕的客户交给我的事吗？
and they gave me your pregnant client?
他们到底怎么想的？ -哇 等一下
What were they thinking? -Wait, wait, wait. Hold on.
他们把贝卡分配给你了？
They gave you Becca?
火♥辣♥玉米条的味道
Ooh! That was a hot Cheeto.
哇 你喝得很醉
Wow. You're very drunk.
是啊 那绝对是因为 我对这个工作机会感到兴奋不已
Yeah, and that's because I'm excited for this opportuni-tay
而完全不是因为我深怕自己会失败
and not deeply afraid I will fail
并彻底毁掉这个女人的一生
and totally ruin this woman's life forever.
我的天 别哇哇叫了
Jesus, stop whoo-ing.
贝卡需要你 振作点
Becca needs you. Get yourself together.
别说她需要我 你吓着我了
Okay, don't say she "needs" me. You're freaking me out.
再说了 她有巴里啊
Also, she has Barry.
“我是巴里 我好爱贝卡 我…”
"I'm Barry. I love Becca so much and--"
别闹了 她很爱巴里
Stop it. She loves Barry.
呵 -怎么了？
Huh. -What is it?
跟我约会的瘾天使 让我去厕所和他会面
Well, the Addiction Angel I'm with wants me to meet him in the bathroom
他想在我屁♥股♥上吸可♥卡♥因♥
so he can do coke off my booty.
艾米！ -干嘛啦？
Emmy! -What?
我又没吸 我只是去当家具而已
I'm not doing the coke, I'm just being the furniture.
这我倒是能胜任 我有能力当一张桌子
That I can do. I'm capable of being a table.
艾米 如果你选择去厕所 而不是去帮贝卡
Emmy, if you go to that bathroom… instead of going to Becca,
我就把你头上的触角扯下来
I will rip your antennae from your skull.
我做不到 桑娅
I can't do it, Sonya.
我是说 看看我的约会对象
I mean look at who I'm with.
我对爱情一无所知
I don't know anything about love.
你叫我怎么帮别人呢？
How am I supposed to help someone else?
看着我 我知道这很可怕
Look at me. I get that it's scary,
但有时候你得硬着头皮上
but sometimes, you gotta suck it up,
做可怕的事 看看会怎么样
do scary shit, and see what happens.
但万一… -妹子 你永远不会有准备好的那天
But what if-- -Dude, you'll never be ready.
你唯一能做的就是他妈的尝试
All you can do is fucking try.
好啦 我会他妈的尝试
Okay. I-- I'll "fucking try."
我会去见贝卡还是什么的
I'll go meet Becca or whatever.
我的老天爷 你连见都没见过她啊？
Jesus Christ, you haven't even met her yet?
快去 给我滚出这里！
Go! Get the hell out of here.
谢谢你 桑娅 如果但丁问起…
Well, thanks, Sonya, and if Dante asks--
相信我 他不会的 -我知道 这点我知道
Trust me, he won't. I know. -I-- I do know that.
我们今天还是有工资领的吧？
Hey, we're still getting paid for today, right?
当然 我们打卡了
Yeah. We clocked in, man.
搞什么鬼？
What the hell?
“怪异集市”
"Bizarre Bazaar."
更像是“怪地方” 对吧？
More like "weird area," right?
我个人是比较喜欢 在室内销♥售♥的普通物品
Me? I like regular stuff sold indoors.
来吧 挑个会改变你一生的水晶
Come. Pick the crystal that will transform your life.
不用了 谢谢
Nope. No, thank you.
听听你的运势
Hear your fortune.
看看你的未来
See the future.
问我现在几点了 我知道答案
Ask me what time it is right now. I know the answer.
哎唷 你好啊
Well, hello there.
嘿 大家伙 来做个占卜嘛
Hello, big boy. You want a reading?
听到了吗 吉尔？ 这妞学人做占卜呢 真扯蛋
You hear that, Gil? She's gonna do a "reading."
好 我愿意
Yeah, no, I want one.
你又是何方神圣啊 姑娘？
And what, pray tell, are you, sister?
哇 这么主动
Okay.
先提醒你一下 我前戏需要很久 不过之后就速战速决了
Heads up, it'll take me a long time to get going, but then it'll be over fast.
真是的 这尿到底有完没完啊？
How in the gorgeous hell do I have to pee again?
这孩子最好值得我这么折腾
This thing better be fun when it comes out.
你好啊
Hi.
抱歉 我走之前忘了先上个厕所
Sorry, forgot to go before I left.
你到底是谁？ -我是艾米 你的新爱虫
Who the hell are you? -I'm Emmy, your new Lovebug. Yay!
赞颂我吧
Celebrate me.
我不要新的爱虫 桑娅呢？
I don't want a new Lovebug. What happened to Sonya?
哦 她被炒掉了 -什么？
Yeah, she got hardcore fired. -What?
但没人知道为什么
But no one knows why.
我想我知道
I think I know.
是因为她和格林奇睡了
It's on account of she fucked the Grinch.
你是喝醉了吗？
Are you drunk?
你是怀孕了吗？
Are you pregnant?
开玩笑的 我知道你是
I'm just kiddin'. I know you are.
我第一个客户就是个孕妇耶 卧♥槽♥
Wow, my first case is a preggo. Holy shit.
有没有搞错？你没干过这个？
Are you fucking kidding me? You've never done this before?
没有呢 从来没有
No. Never.
对了 你有上网搜过胎盘吗？超恶的
Have you googled "placenta," by the way? Yuck.
桑娅抛弃了你 而这只新爱虫看来不胜其任
Oh, Sonya's abandoned you. And this new bug does not seem up to the task.
她为什么只穿着一只鞋啊？
Why is she only wearing one shoe?
糟了 而且我的袜子 还是个麦当劳的薯饼袋
Oh, no. And my sock is a McDonald's hash brown bag.
贝卡 你一定快崩溃了吧？
Becca, you must be freaking out.
我的新爱虫是个醉鬼兼白♥痴♥
My new Lovebug is a drunken idiot.
别这样嘛 -你真觉得你有本事抚育婴儿吗？
Hey now, come on. -And you think you can take care of an infant?
你说得对 我不能当妈妈
You're right. I can't be a mom.
我的内衣抽屉里还有大♥麻♥电子烟呢
I have weed pens in my underwear drawer.
抽了会想睡还是会嗨的大♥麻♥？
Oh, what kind of weed? Sleepy or uppy?
如果孩子提前出生怎么办？ -有足够的爱给大家吗？
And what if the baby comes early? -Is there enough love for everybody?
巴里怎么办？ -可不是 他太特么粘人了
What about Barry? -God, I know. He's so needy.
“我是巴里 我爱你”
"I'm Barry. I love you."
你会见识到我的模仿功力 我超厉害的
You're gonna get to know my impressions. They're awesome.
还有那条狗 它肯定会把孩子的脸给咬烂
How about the dog? He'll definitely bite the baby's face off!
你的丑八怪宝宝会抽你的大♥麻♥的
Your ugly baby is gonna smoke your weed.
你闭嘴行不？
Will you shut up?
该死的
Oh, shit.
恶心 那是什么啊？ -你是不是…
Eww. What is that? -Did you just…
尿在地板上了？
Piss on the floor?
别这样啊 我只穿着一只鞋诶
Come on, dude, I'm only wearing one shoe.
我好像是羊水破了
I-- I think my water broke.
不好了 那是什么意思？
Oh, crap. What the hell does that mean?
贝卡 你要生了！
Becca! You're going into labor!
罗比 你床下有怪物的可能性极小 因为怪物体型很庞大
Robbie, it's highly unlikely there's a monster under your bed because monsters are big.
如果我是你的话 我会更担心衣柜
Now, if I were you, I'd be worried about your closet.
我得走了 死亡是不可避免的 所以尽量别太担心
Uh, gotta go. Death is inevitable so just try not to worry about it.
你就多吞几颗阿德拉 然后完成这该死的演示文稿
Just eat a few more Adderall and finish the goddamn presentation.
你到底是想做成这笔炸豆泥生意
Do you want to land this refried beans account,
还是想像你屌♥丝老爸一样 一辈子跟普通豆子打交道？
or get stuck in regular beans forever like your loser fuckin' dad?
在你的婚礼祝酒词中 提及她妹妹有多撩人还真是明智之举
Oh, yeah, good call mentioning what a knockout her sister is in your wedding toast.
听着 等你硬不起来的时候 我再回来找你
Look, listen. I'll be back later when your penis doesn't get hard.
毛瑞 你躲在这里多久了？
Maury. How long you been in here?
别烦我啦
Leave me alone.
你到底是怎么了？今天可是你的生日
What's going on with you? It's your birthday, baby.
是庆祝和爆菊花的时候
It's time for jubilation and butt stuff.
我已经四千万岁了 康妮 而我又有何成就可言？
I'm 40 million years old, Connie, and what do I have to show for it?
让个小孩对着他死去的爷爷打飞机？
I made a kid cum on his dead grandpa?
那也弱爆了
Fuckin' amateur hour.
你在Netflix上有两部电视剧啊
But you got two shows on Netflix.
那又怎样？ 这年头谁在Netflix上都有电视剧
So what? Everyone's got a show on Netflix.
我没有孩子 没有稳定的伴侣
I don't have kids, I-- I don't have a steady partner.
无意冒犯 -未曾介怀
Uh, no offense. -Nope, none taken.
我不想要一个稳定的伴侣
I do not want a steady partner.
也是 那蠢透了
Yeah, yeah. Steady partner, that's stupid.
毛瑞 给你吹一箫当生日礼物 会不会让你感觉好点？
Hey, would a birthday blowjob make you feel better, Maury?
倒是不会让我感觉更糟
I mean, it wouldn't make me feel worse.
糟糕 吹♥箫♥的事得等等了
Oh shit. That blowie's gonna have to wait.
贝卡要生了 我得闪人了
Becca's in labor. I gotta bounce.
看来我只好像个怂逼一样给自己口了 反正我就是个大怂逼
I guess I'll just suck my own dick then like the loser I clearly am.
没错 唯一会碰你老二的嘴巴 就长在你这张该死的猪脸上
That's right, the only mouth that'll suck your dick is the one attached to your fat, fucking face.
生日快乐 你个傻屌♥
Happy birthday, shithead.
呃 好臭 -是有点臭