人力资源（2022）

嘿 一切都糟透了
Psst. Hi. Hey. Everything's fucked!
没错 你最好醒醒
Yeah, you better wake up.
我们很寂寞 我们很饿 我们需要拉屎！
We're alone, we're hungry, and we have to shit!
好 准备好了吗？三、二…
Okay, ready? Three, two…
吃奶！拉屎！立刻马上！
Food! Poop! Now!
我们需要奶♥子♥！
We need the titties!
给我们来一大杯新鲜热辣的奶汁！
Give us the grande hot titty juice!
没事了 宝贝
You're okay, bud.
嘿 贝卡 是我
Hey, Becca, it's me!
我现身了 我准备好散播爱了
I'm showing up, I'm ready to do love!
填饱我肚子！帮我通屎！给我好好喂奶！
Food me! Poop me! Do titties better!
靠 宝宝有需求魔了？
The baby got its Need Demon?
昨天正式上岗 欢迎入队
Assigned yesterday, welcome to the team.
哦 不是 我其实是贝卡的爱虫
Oh, no, I'm actually Becca's bug.
哦 你是奶♥子♥队的
Oh, you're with Titties!
那她为什么就不能好好地把奶♥子♥放到我们嘴里？
Well, then why won't she put them in our mouth the way we want?
哇 你反应还真激烈
Wow. You-- You are intense.
废话 我可是个需求魔！
Yeah, I'm a fuckin' Need Demon!
哟 妈妈 一切都还好吗？
Well, hey. Hey, Mama. How's things, girl?
好极了
Really good.
两天前我拉了一坨3.6公斤重的屎 现在它每隔一小时就冲我大叫
Two days ago, I took an eight-pound shit, and now it screams at me every hour!
为大家赤♥裸♥裸地呈献为母之道 女士们先生们 有请黄阿丽！
Okay, unflinching look at motherhood. Ladies and gentlemen, Ali Wong--
我现在没心情跟你开玩笑
No, I'm in no mood to go meta right now, okay?
我累死了 而且你把我丢在医院不管了
I'm exhausted. And you ditched me at the hospital!
哎呀 让我们忘掉旧的艾美
Oh, let's forget about the old Emmy
以及那个蠢婊♥子♥所犯的错误
and the mistakes that dumb hussy made.
我是新的艾米 我现身了
I'm the new Emmy! I show up!
还带了礼物呢 你看 它本来是有头的
With a gift. Look. And it did use to have a head.
我们现在肚子疼了！
Now our tummy hurts!
好吧 也许他需要…
Okay, maybe it needs to,
嗯 贝卡？
um, Becca?
我们可以睡觉了吗？
Can we sleep now?
噢 你是贝卡的需求魔吗？
Oh. Are you Becca's Need Demon?
我是艾米 她的新爱虫
I-- I'm Emmy, I-- I-- I'm her new Lovebug.
哇 那小子嗓子真大
Wow, big pipes on that one.
让我睡 让我吃 让我死
Give sleep. Give food. Give death.
等那孩子上大学后她可以睡个够
She can sleep when the kid is in college.
求求你闭嘴吧
Shh. Please shut up. Please shut up.
呃 你做得非常棒
Uh, you-- you're doing so good.
母爱爆棚 哦耶！
Motherly love!
你绝对该闭嘴
You definitely shut up.
嘿 我在尽力了 好吗？
Hey! I'm doing my best, okay?
别跟个爱哭鬼似的 有他一个还不够吗？
Oh, don't be a fucking crybaby, I already have one of those.
我才不是爱哭鬼
I'm not a crybaby.
爽 终于拉出来了 -什么鬼
Ah, nice! Our shit came out. -What the fuck?
休息十分钟 需要我就发短♥信♥吧
I'mma take ten. Text me if you need me.
你为什么用那种眼神看着他？ -不然要怎么看？
Whoa. Why're you lookin' at it like that? -How am I supposed to look at it?
用充满爱意的眼神？ 我是说 看他那可爱的小鼻子
With love? I mean, wook at that wittle nose.
看看它
Wook at it. Ooh!
那胖乎乎的大腿…
Those chubby wittle thighs…
你到底在干什么？ -试着发光！
What the fuck are you doing? -Trying to glow!
天哪 你连发个光都不行？ -呃…
Oh, my God, you can't even glow? -Well…
难怪我不爱这个东西
No wonder I don't love this thing.
你不爱这个宝宝？
You don't love the baby?
如果我的爱虫不是一个 连自己的工作都做不好的菜鸟
Well, maybe I would if I didn't have a JV-ass Lovebug
说不定我会爱
who can't do her job!
如果你不爱这个宝宝 我又要怎么做好我的工作啊？
Well, how am I supposed to do my job if you don't love the baby?
来吧
Come on, come on, come on…
耶！发达了！
Yes! Ka-ching!
你在这里干什么？
What the hell are you doing here?
一个不爱自己的孩子的妈妈 和一个不能发光的爱虫？
A mother who doesn't love her own baby and a Lovebug who can't glow?
我中了羞耻彩票呀！
I've won the Shame Lottery!
我♥操♥
Fuck me dot org.
来吧 笑一个
Alright, smile.
你看起来很憔悴呢 亲爱的
Ooh! You look exhausted, love.
对于我们这些 为女性服务的羞耻巫师来说
These can feel like troubling times for we
这或许是个令人不安的时代
Shame Wizards who serve women.
身体积极性、 “自爱”
"Body positivity." "Self-love."
薪酬平等
"Pay equity."
让我们不禁想问 女性的羞耻感是否已成为过去？
We wonder, is female shame a thing of the past?
我给你们讲个故事
I leave you with a story.
今天坐飞机时 我和一对母女 一同坐在紧急出口那一排
Flying in today, I shared an exit row with a mother and daughter.
我看着那位妈妈向空姐保证
I watched Mum assure the flight attendant
她的小女儿的手臂“足够粗壮” 可以打开机舱门
that her little girl's arms were "husky enough" to open the cabin door.
接着她给自己点了 一杯加了代糖的热水
She then proceeded to order herself a hot water with Splenda.
在那一刻 我肯定了一件事
In that moment, I felt certain of one thing,
只要女性还存在一天
as long as there are women,
就会有羞耻感！
there will be shame!
非常感谢大家 谢谢
Thank you so much. Thank you.
《你的身体 你的错》这一章 真够打击人心的 谢谢你
The "Your Body, Your Fault" chapter was so devastating. Thank you. Thank you so much!
我书呆子气又犯了 抱歉 -我才要谢谢你 亲爱的
I'm geeking out, sorry! -Oh, no, thank you, darling!
希望没让你排队等太久
I hope you didn't have to wait on line too long.
哇 我真不敢相信 毁了乔帕特诺的羞耻巫师就在我眼前
Wow, I can't believe I'm meeting the Shame Wizard who did Joe Paterno!
只是个传言哦
Just a rumor.
哈喽 妈咪！
Hello, Mummy!
哈喽 莱昂内尔 我都忘了你在这里工作
Hello, Lionel. I'd forgotten you worked here.
是的 那个 我给你发的邮件 是不是都被转到垃圾邮箱了？
Yes, and I think all my emails might be going to your spam?
嗨！ -她来了！
Hi! -There she is!
昨晚和贝卡过得怎么样？
How was Becca's last night?
一个新妈妈和她软绵绵的新宝宝
A new mom with a brand-new squishy baby?
你肯定发光发得发狂吧！
You must be glowing like cray all day!
呃 其实我并没怎么发光
Yeah, I-- I'm actually not glowing that, that much.
甚至根本就没发光
Or, like, at all.
而且试着发光时反而会放屁
And when I try to, I kind of fart?
不是吧 -并非所有新父母 都能马上与宝宝建立联♥系♥
Oh, no! -Not all new parents bond with the baby right away.
真的吗？ -有时候你的光会发得较慢
Really? -Sometimes you get a slow-glow.
那是完全正常的
And that's totally normal!
你有过这种情况吗？ -当然没有
Have you had that happen? -Me? Oh, hell no.
我的光可是发得迅速又猛烈 -但重申一遍 没什么好羞耻的
I glow fast and I glow hard. -But again, no shame in it!
没错 只要你是慢发光 而不是不发光就行
That's right. As long as your slow-glow doesn't turn into a no-glow.
是呢 不发光 那可真是羞耻到家了
Oh, yeah, a no-glow, there is definitely shame in that.
听着 我发不发光不是问题所在
Look. My glow is not the problem here.
贝卡不懂得爱 那是她自己的错
It's Becca's own fault she can't love right.
那女人真惹人厌
That woman is a pill.
艾米 你不能这样说你的客户
Emmy. You can't be talking about your clients that way.
你们真该听听她是怎么对我说话的
You should hear the way she talks to me.
不是我刻薄 但她真是烂到骨子里了
Not to be mean, but she's rancid to her core,
真希望她患上某种新种癌症然后死掉
and I really do hope she dies of a brand-new cancer.
艾米！ -我说了 不是我刻薄！
Emmy! -I wasn't-- I said "not to be mean"!
你难道没从我们的培训日中 学到什么吗？
Okay. Did you learn nothing from our training day?
我们的客户是我们的宝宝
Our clients are our babies.
如果我们不爱我们的宝宝 他们就不会爱自己
And if we don't love our babies, they won't love themselves.
如果他们不爱自己 他们就永远不会爱自己的宝宝
And if they don't love themselves, they'll never love their babies.
不好意思 你们介意我去抹个药膏吗？
I'm sorry, do you mind if I grab a breath mint
因为我被你俩批得体无完肤了
since you're both shitting down my throat at the same time?
亲爱的 我们只是想帮忙
Oh, honey, we were just trying to help.
我知道 只是…
I know, I know. You just…
你们没必要这么偏袒贝卡
You don't have to be such "Beccas" about it.
毛瑞 很抱歉我老是这样
Ugh, Maury. I'm sorry to keep doing this.
我又忘记我该死的密♥码♥了
I forgot my goddamn password again.
哎 是“射♥精♥精精精精精8=D”
Ugh! It's "jizz" with six z's and a pound sign.
你的宝贝们怎么在这里？ 不是应该在学校吗？
What are your boys doing here? Shouldn't they be at school?
他们的幼屌♥园爆发了阴虱病
There was a crabs outbreak at their cumdergarten.
就因为一根脏屌♥ 他们得关了整个学校
One dirty dick, and they gotta shut down the whole damn place.
爹爹不是故意这么大声的 爹爹爱你们
Daddy's sorry for raising his voice. Daddy loves you.
天哪 你边工作边带这么多娃儿 没问题吗？
Oh, man. You gonna be able to handle that chode-load at work?
我会想办法的
I-- I-- I'll manage somehow.
来看看 我得处理 一个找到他爸爸的飞机杯的小孩
Okay. Let's see, I've got a kid who's found his dad's Fleshlight,
得出席一个寻欢洞的开幕式…
a glory hole grand opening…
我也想帮你看屌♥的 但是…
Well, I would offer to dicksit, but…