布拉德·尼利神经秀（2016）

我想住在
I want to live
我想住在一座山上
I want to live on a mountain
我想住在
I want to live
我想住在一座山上
Want to live on a mountain
噢 住在山顶 像个条子
Oh, up on top, like a cop
坐在岩石上 感受清风和阳光
Feeling wind and sun on the rocks
听着雄鹰高唱 "嗨嗨嗨"
When the eagle says, "Hey, hey, hey!"
我想住在山上
I want to live on a mountain
我想住在
I want to live
想住在一座山上
Want to live on a mountain
噢 像个巫师 像个僧人
Oh, like a wizard or a monk
将怯懦抛诸身后
I gonna lose my funk
我会像雄鹰一样高喊 "嗨嗨嗨"
I gonna holler like an eagle shouting, "Hey, hey, hey!"
我想住在一座山上
I want to live on a mountain
这是我的评价标准 听着
Here's my meter, okay?
你的屁♥股♥很翘
You got a nice ass.
但是你说你不喜欢看书
But you say you hate reading.
你妈妈上过<奥普拉脱口秀>
But your mom was on "Oprah"...
因为她做了坏事
for something bad.
你有个手工艺品销♥售♥网页
You got an Etsy page?
你做珠宝饰品
You make jewelry?
还是男士饰品
For men?
所以 你过关了
So it's a pass.
啊
Aah!
真是对不住
Sorry about that.
朋友们扔的这个橄榄球
My friends threw this football.
现在他们就在 呃 在那边
Now they're way way out over...
可能被浪卷走了 在水里吧
in the chop, out in the water.
嘿 你们知道这种天气喝什么最棒吗
So, you know what would make this day even better?
一扎非法的玻璃瓶装啤酒
A bunch of illegal glass bottles.
你们有吗
You guys got any?
没有
No.
我们 我们带了罐装的
We we brought cans.
好吧
All right.
真有你们的
Cool.
通过检查
Passed the test.
你是在用玻璃瓶喝美味的啤酒吗
Are you drinking tasty beer out of a glass bottle?
是啊 你 你要喝吗
Yeah. You you want some?
没事的 我是缉毒警♥察♥
It's okay. I'm a narc.
其乐无穷
Never ends.
嘿 看这个
Hey, watch this.
噗
Pbht!
我喜欢 嘿 看我这个
I love that. Here, look at this.
你性无能
You suck at sex
你活儿太差
You suck at sex
你是阳痿男
You suck at sex
嘿 我来告诉你我最喜欢的几种阿甘
Hey, let me tell you my favorite types of Gump.
森林阿甘(福瑞斯特甘)
Forrest.
河边阿甘
River.
城市阿甘
City.
沼泽阿甘
Swamp.
洞穴阿甘
Cave.
雪地阿甘
Snow.
沙滩阿甘
Sand.
垃圾箱阿甘
Garbage.
阿甘虾餐厅 阿甘
Bubba Gump Gump.
桥洞怪物阿甘
Troll.
还有 时报广场阿甘
And Times Square.
珍妮
Jenny!
好了 这是我的评价标准 听着
All right, here's my meter, okay?
噢 你有一家餐厅
Oh, you own a restaurant?
是"温迪快餐店"啊
But it's a Wendy's.
噢 你就是温迪
Oh, you Wendy.
噢 我要约你出去 温迪
Oh, I'm gonna get with you, Wendy.
我很中意你哦
I rate you high.
别逗我笑
Don't make me laugh
我正忙着高♥潮♥呢
I'm trying to climax
别在身上抓来抓去
Stop scratching yourself
我正忙着高♥潮♥呢
I'm trying to climax
我不想听你介绍特色菜
Don't want to hear the specials
我正忙着高♥潮♥呢
I'm trying to climax
快握紧我的"手柄"
Just clench your grip
这样我才能高♥潮♥
So I can climax
快从上面下来
Get down from there
我正忙着高♥潮♥呢
I'm trying to climax
我们赶紧离开医院吧
Let's leave the hospital
这样我才能高♥潮♥
So I can climax
洗干净等我
Wash out yourself
这样我才能高♥潮♥
So I can climax
大叫"约翰坎迪"的名字
Just scream "John Candy"
约翰坎迪
John Candy!
我们就会高♥潮♥
And we will climax
约翰坎迪
John Candy!
约翰坎迪
John Candy!
约翰坎迪
John Candy!
约翰坎迪
John Candy!
噢 约翰坎迪
Oh, John Candy!
我老是见到它们
I just keep seeing them.
它们的皮肤就像粗糙的蜥蜴一样
Their skin is like a chalky lizard's.
它们的声音很恐怖 嗓子里全是痰液
Their voice is usually full of ghastly sounding mucus,
而且它们的行动非常 非常迟缓
and they're really, really slow.
你甚至能透过皮肤看到它们的骨骼
And you can see their skeleton under their skin.
您是否饱受这些可怕怪物的折磨
Is your life being ruined by horrible monsters?
不用担心 我来帮助您
Well, I'm here to help.
请使用这款怪物陷阱
With Monster Traps!
我不知道我的父母怎么了
I don't know what happened to my parents.
我去他们家找他们
I went to their house,
却发现两只恶心的怪物在里面
and there were two grody monsters there instead.
他们从不和怪物接触的 怎么会变成这样
My parents aren't even friends with any monsters.
我们没法救回或者找回您的亲人
We can't find or bring back your loved ones,
但是我们有法子 抓住这些怪物
but we can trap monsters.
将这款陷阱放置在您看见怪物的地方
Set the trap near where you've seen the monster.
放上诱饵
Set bait,
然后一旦抓住它
then once you've caught it,
请立刻把这种可怕的生物送到怪物存放处
you deliver that terrible creature to a monster repository.
然后您就可以过上没有怪物的幸福生活了
And start living a monster-free life.
看着 一哒哒 二哒哒 三哒哒 四哒哒
So, it's a-one and a-two and a-three and a-four.
学会了吗
Got it?
恩 会了
Yeah, I got it.
就是先捅人 再杀人 再强♥奸♥ 最后大笑
It's a stab and a kill and a rape and a laugh.
对吗 哈 怎么了
Right, huh? What?
老子可是撒旦啊 拜托
I'm Satan, come on.
你知道吗
You know what?
唐纳德特朗普总是穿着一件风衣
I always see Donald Trump in a trench coat
脚上蹬着 呃 两只活生生的山羊
with, like, two living goats for shoes
戴着 九个芝士做成的戒指
and, like, nine rings made out of cheese.
而且 他 没有眼睛
And, you know, he's got no eyes,
嘴里长着手一样的牙齿
and he's got them hand teeth
呃 脚踝上长蛋蛋
and them, like, ankle testicles.
呃 他 住在南极洲
And, he's, like, living in Antarctica
刚做了改造手术 成了生化人
with, like, half a cyborg procedure done.
他和<七宝奇谋>的演员们住在一起
But he's there with, like, the cast of "Goonies."
他们 大概是他的管家之类的
And they're, like, working as his butlers.
他还把世界上的第一棵树连根拔起
And the first tree ever planted has been uprooted
然后移植到他的卧室里
and transplanted into his bedroom
以陪伴他度过一些难熬的时刻
to keep him company,
比如 呃 当他被噩梦惊醒的时候
when, uh, you know, he, like, wakes up in his nightmares,
当他想念妈妈的时候
when he's, like, missing his mommy
还有 找不到他心爱的
and when he's wondering
毛绒动物玩具的时候
where all his stuffed animals are now.