布拉德·尼利神经秀（2016）

你是否认为我勃起的丁丁
And do you think my penis is less big when it is erect
并没有它曾经那么大了
than it used to be?
无人机
Drones.
你知道么 我一直认为詹姆斯邦德就像是
You know, I always say James Bond
分♥裂♥到可以从正中间劈成两半
is, like, really split down the middle.
其中一半是温文尔雅的种马
Like, one half is a suave, sexy semen dispenser.
不过另外一半是狂怒的反♥社♥会♥者
But, like, the other half is a super-angry sociopath
因为他将周围的人都赶尽杀绝
because he hurts and kills everyone around him.
还有就像是 他用一把小孩子用的微型玩具枪
Like, also, he has a tiny gun, like, meant for a kid to use
在夜里射击老鼠背上的虱子
when he's shooting fleas off the backs of rats
而老鼠是在一辆以90迈速度奔驰的皮卡上
from the back of a pickup going like 90 down the highway
此时 满天星斗
at night, like, when, uh, the stars are out
每一颗星星都是完美而温暖
up in the air, all perfect and warm,
高高的悬挂在天空的幕布上
up in the high-up ceiling ocean of the sky.
你知道吗 詹姆斯邦德这人有问题
Yeah, you know, James Bond has, like, a problem
他先和女人们发♥生♥关♥系♥
with, like, giving all the girls sex
然后等待她们的却是死亡 你知道么
but then death, you know,
因为所有他触摸过的女孩都死了
because all the girls he touches ends up dead.
你知道么 他在这方面有不良记录
You know, he's got a bad record for that.
还有就是 你知道么
And, like, uh, you know,
他的公♥寓♥里面储藏着这些额外的血液
his apartment got all this extra blood in it
以备他在失血时使用
for the times he loses blood.
你知道么 他就像阿姆斯特朗
You know, he's like Lance Armstrong
服用违禁药的 你知道吗
of the spies, you know?
我的意思是 他服用了大量的兴♥奋♥剂♥
Which, I mean, he's super doped-up.
哈 哈
Ha, ha!
不过 我倒是超级期待
Anyway, I'm pretty psyched
马上要上映的那一部
about that new one, though.
噢 酷
Oh, cool.
John收集的帽子
John's hat collection.
不要 不要 不要 不要戴这些帽子
No, no, no, no, no! Don't wear those!
我头上长虱子
I had lice!
耶
Yeah.
帅呆了
Awesome.
哇 好多帽子啊
Wow, there are so many.
我要把它们捐赠给幼儿园的小朋友
I'm gonna donate these to the kindergarten.
不要啊
No!
一个公爵在外开着车
A...duke was out driving
脸上挂着微笑 嘴里叼着烟
smoking and a-smiling
这时候希♥特♥勒♥追上来了
When Hitler ran up
然后听见Harvey说"砰 砰"
And then Harvey said, "Bang, bang"
尼克松开始说服爱因斯坦搞原♥子♥弹♥
Nixon started fixing Einstein on the mission
日本计划化为灰烬
And Japan had planned to turn into ash
越共3K金刚 是首苏联歌♥曲
The Viet-K-K-Kong was a Soviet song
讲的是一堵墙 一个男人和一个关于巴拿马的计划
About a wall and a man and a plan about Panama
戴帽子的Jack和非法获得的一堆美元
Jack in the hat with a criminal stack of bills
藏在一个蜘蛛洞里
down in the spidery hole
怎么样 伙计
Come on, man.
世界大战就是这么回事 不是么
That's got to be how it went, right?
午餐时间 孩子们
Lunchtime, kids!
这是牛仔的休息时间
Break time for this ol' cowpoke.
什么 你是活的
What?! You're alive?
哦 糟糕 Johnny
Oh, shit, Johnny.
好吧 我想秘密败露了
Well, I guess the secret is over.
伙计们 都出来吧
Guys, come on out!
嘿Johnny
Hey, Johnny.
最近怎么样 列兵
What's up, Private?
能给我一把小梳子吗
Can I get a little hairbrush?
哦 酷毙了 我的玩具都是活的
Oh, awesome! My toys are alive!
不只是你的玩具Johnny
Not just your toys, Johnny.
我不只是一面墙壁
I'm not just a house's wall.
我是Tim 我是Dee Dee
I'm Tim. And I'm Dee Dee.
Johnny 沉默终于被打破了
Johnny, finally the silence is broken.
好吧 那么 一切都是有生命的么
Okay, so, everything's alive?
耶 一切都是有生命 有思想的
Yep. Everything is alive and has opinions.
Johnny 我的裂纹里面有碎屑
Johnny, I have crumbs in my crack.
不要把我扔到垃圾桶 这儿我不能发光 Johnny
Don't throw me in the trash where I can't shine, Johnny.
外面真他♥娘♥的♥冷
It's fucking cold outside!
发生什么事了Johnny - 哦 我不知道Janie
What's happening, Johnny? - Oh, I don't know, Janie.
我是你的衣服Janie
I'm your dress, Janie.
洗洗我吧 我都臭死了
Wash me for once. I stink of ham.
Janie 不要再吃糖了
Janie, stop with the sugar!
我有点害怕了
I'm kind of scared.
不要踩着我Johnny - 不要压着我 小地毯
Get off me, Johnny! - Get off me, Rug!
我要怎样迈步才能不伤害到你们
How do I take a step without hurting anyone?
只要你活着就会伤害很多很多很多人
Just you being alive hurts lots and lots and lots of folks.
停止你对我做的事吧Johnny
Stop doing that one thing with me, Johnny.
人人都恨你Johnny
Everyone hates you, Johnny.
Johnny 我是中国制♥造♥的 但我不会说汉语
Johnny, I was made in China, but I can't speak Chinese.
我想回家 我想回去了解我的家乡
I want to go home and learn my homeland.
救命啊Johnny
Help! Johnny?
一个褐发女子在一个要杀死宠物的小镇上
A brunette in a town that'll kill a pet
龙♥卷♥风♥来了 带走了她们
Twister came and took them away
没门 婊♥子♥
No way, bitch
一群人看着女子和西方巫婆争抢一双鞋子
Group of dudes saw the girl in a shoe dispute
巫婆大声尖叫 没门 婊♥子♥
with a Western witch who exclaimed No way, bitch
然后她帮助了一个白♥痴♥ 又帮助了一个精神病
Then she helped an idiot, then she helped a psychopath
然后又帮助了一个恶霸
Then she helped a bully
现在这些伙计都支持她
And now these guys are on her back
然后她遇到一个只想要一把扫帚的巫师
Then she met a wizard who only wants a witch's broom
飞天猴子带着她飞行
Flying monkeys drop her
把她丢回去争抢鞋子
Right back into the shoe dispute
然后 狗在吠 她的伙伴在敲击以壮声势
So, the dogs and the boyos are making noise
一杯水泼在了西方巫师的脸上
Water went the Western witch way
没门 婊♥子♥
No way, bitch
现在巫师变成了DJ 便不能再被袭击
Now the Wiz is a deejay you cannot shoot
Dorothy轻舞双脚便回到了堪萨斯
Dorothy does a micro-dance and reappears in Kansas
她回家了
So she's home